December 21st 2011

          Cafes were the perfect place to meet with someone, at least that was one of the core tenets in Johnny’s philosophy. Whether that was meeting a childhood friend, a first date or - the first meeting between two people who’ve known each other for nearly six years, trying to figure out if there was anything more than friendship between them - (loaded) conversations, just went best with coffee.

          It had been years since they'd been talking but up until a few months ago meeting up seemed inconceivable. If he was honest, he expected their friendship to slowly fizzle out a couple of months in without much of a story to leave behind. But somehow the letters continued. Looking back at it all was hazy, he wasn’t sure when it was between their arguments over the Hour Past Midnight and asking Jaehyun to meet that he knew.

September 26th, 2011

Dear Jaehyun, 

          Everyone’s life is determined by fear to some level - isn’t that basic survival? A professor of mine once told us that human actions and inaction are more motivated by what they may lose than what they have to gain. The older that I get, the more convinced I am that she may be right. It’s what we have to lose that invokes fear, no matter how big or small the consequence may be. When I decided to move to Paris, I wasn’t really thinking about what I would do when I got here- housing, income (given it was with full confidence that I had my parents who I could fall back on); my focus was on the new things I would experience… and everything I would miss out on if I stayed in Chicago. And looking back on it, I can’t imagine losing all of this - the friends I’ve made, the opportunities that came to me… your letters. Every decision comes at a price, sometimes they work in your favour, other times, not so much. 

          That being said, nowadays I think I’m at a point in my life that I want to hold on to everything I’ve come to know a little tighter. My parents have filled my life with so much joy and love that I didn’t know there was anything more to crave. But your letters, our conversations have made me miss something that I never thought was there. It’s like this yearning to learn about a part of me that has been dormant for so long. The places that you’ve told me about, the culture that you have familiarized me with, it’s all so inviting.  It has been a while since I started thinking about visiting Korea. But right now, it doesn’t feel so easy to throw caution to the wind and take the leap. 

          You have built such a wonderful two-dimensional world for me through your stories and pictures that I’m not sure if I want to lose it. You are the reason I want to visit Korea. I don’t want to taint this beautiful picture that you’ve created just for me by visiting. And you’re right, this glass wall between us, this distance, in many ways feels blissful. I have come to enjoy this sort of parallel play that we’ve been doing; treading through the uncertainty of everyday life with the utmost certainty and comfort that you are a glance away. But as time passes, as I keep looking out the glass wall, I see myself. A reflection that I can’t seem to unsee when I’m trying to find you. I know, us meeting means that our relationship, that has been in this oh-so-pleasant liminal state, risks change. But these words that you write to me, our conversations and the feelings that I have for you, have all been very real to me. I like you Jaehyun, I don’t think I’ve been very subtle about that throughout the years. But I am not naive enough to expect everything to fall into place the moment we meet. I know it feels like there is a glass wall shattering, but I just want to know you in three dimensions, no other expectations.

Johnny

          Somewhere between the countless times of Johnny flirting and playfully declaring his undying love for the man, friendship had turned into something else that he couldn’t quite describe in words. He wouldn’t say that he was in love with Jaehyun, or at least it seemed ridiculous to say that about a person he had never met. But there wasn’t exactly another word to describe what they had. 

          Jaehyun was far from an open book. The closer that they got, it was as if he was retracing the boundaries of their relationship. Johnny often thought that he might have willed into existence the idea of something more than friendship between them on his own. But then there were other times when their playful arguments and banter would become all too real. Jaehyun never said it in so many words, but he didn’t need to.

[***A/N: There is an alternate form of the following text right below without strikethrough - hopefully its more accessible ] 

October 19th, 2011

Dear Johnny,  

           I know this is coming a little late again, and I’m so sorry.  Things at work have gotten hectic and it didn’t seem right to send back a letter without having acknowledged what you wrote. You know… when you write to me, it always feels like there is something out there that you see that I don’t. Something far in the distance that keeps you trudging forward with such tenacity and resolve. I think that’s what kept me writing to you. Even when I couldn’t see it, your determination was just so unassailable that I wanted to believe you.  At some point, I thought I could see it too…  we created this picture of what it might be, and what it would be like to finally get there. But then I squint and I just can’t see it anymore. It feels like I’m chasing ghosts, trying to find something that doesn’t really exist. I want to keep going, but it’s just gone and the more I try, it's becoming difficult to keep up the pace. I wonder if it’s just that I don’t want to see it. Maybe I can, but I'm so ill-prepared that I can’t recognize it. Gradually, each step that you take becomes so unattainable that I keep falling behind and each time I see you stop  and patiently wait for me to catch up. You tell me that it’s right there, and if I just take a couple of more steps, that I could see it too. Despite how close we get, I just can’t see what lies past the horizon. But at this point, I don’t know if you’re pushing me forward, or if I’m pulling you back. Maybe I don’t deserve to see it. Not yet anyway, but I don’t want to keep holding you back.

October 19th, 2011

Dear Johnny,  

          I know this is coming a little late again, and I’m so sorry.  Things at work have gotten hectic and it didn’t seem right to send back a letter without having acknowledged what you wrote. You know… when you write to me, it always feels like there is something out there that you see that I don’t. Something far in the distance that keeps you trudging forward with such tenacity and resolve. I think that’s what kept me writing to you. Even when I couldn’t see it, your determination was just so unassailable that I wanted to believe you.  At some point, I thought I could see it too…  we created this picture of what it might be, and what it would be like to finally get there. But then I squint and I just can’t see it anymore. It feels like I’m chasing ghosts, trying to find something that doesn’t really exist. I want to keep going, but it’s just gone and the more I try, it's becoming difficult to keep up the pace. I wonder if it’s just that I don’t want to see it. Maybe I can, but I'm so ill-prepared that I can’t recognize it. Gradually, each step that you take becomes so unattainable that I keep falling behind and  each time I see you stop  and patiently wait for me to catch up. You tell me that it’s right there, and if I just take a couple of more steps, that I could see it too. Despite how close we get, I just can’t see what lies past the horizon. But at this point, I don’t know if you’re pushing me forward, or if I’m pulling you back. Maybe I don’t deserve to see it. Not yet anyway, but I don’t want to keep holding you back.

[ ***A/N: End of Strikethrough text. ] 

October 25th, 2011

Dear Johnny,

          I know this is coming a little late again, and I’m so sorry.  Things at work have gotten hectic and it didn’t seem right to send back a letter without having acknowledged everything you wrote. I don’t know if I can send you an apt response without giving myself time to think. But I keep pushing it off when I’m not sure when the time will come. I don’t want to keep you waiting but I will write to you later on. Do you have a timeline of when you want to visit Korea? I can do some research, make you an itinerary. 

Yours, 

Jaehyun

          Johnny let out a breath that he wasn’t aware that he was holding. It wasn't until he walked into the building that nervousness kicked in. He didn’t need to be nervous or expect to be, and yet he could feel himself tense up; unsure if the jitters were from the thought of finally meeting Jaehyun after six years or the awful feeling at the pit of his stomach that he wouldn't. 

November 7th, 2011

Dear Jaehyun, 

          Okay… so maybe I came on a little strong in the last letter. That’s a lot of pressure to put before telling you that there were no expectations but bear with me as I continue to put my foot in my mouth. You’re the reason I want to visit Korea, but I hope you understand that I am not coming for you. Of course, I want to see you… I want to meet you in person- but that is not the sole purpose.

          I was thinking of visiting at the end of December for just about a week. I haven’t booked the flights quite yet, but it should be the week of 17-25. There are a couple of places you’ve told me about throughout the years that I know I want to visit- I’ve been creating a list. I included that along with the letter, and anything else you think might be good to visit within that week - suggestions are always welcome. You know what my basic checklist is when it comes to locations. 

          Maybe sometime mid-trip let's meet at a cafe that you like, it really doesn’t have to be a grand event. We’ll just have coffee and talk for a bit - that way, when we meet and you finally realize that you are completely and hopelessly in love with me, I’ll be around a little longer. Alternatively, if you decide you can’t stand the sight of me, I’d only be in the country for a couple of more days.

Johnny

          Their recent letters after agreeing to meet up had been filled with hope, talking about what Johnny could do in Seoul. Jaehyun had almost drawn him a whole blueprint of Seoul with the amount of work that he put into building Johnny an itinerary. But at times Jaehyun’s letters seemed distant, a certain hesitance within the letters that Johnny couldn’t quite ignore. He had convinced himself that he was reading into it but as soon as he walked into the building those thoughts flooded back.

          Jaehyun wanted to meet… right? 

November 20th, 2011

Dear Johnny, 

          You didn’t come on too strong. That was just a very ty response from me. I’m sorry about that.  I think I understand what you’re saying though. The longer I write to you, I think I’m starting to see a reflection of myself in your words. While I’m happy that I had a part in your decision to visit Korea, I’d hate to think that I also made that decision harder. I can’t promise you that it will be everything you’d hope it be… but I can promise you that you won’t regret it. 

          December is coming up soon, would this be the last letter that you’ll receive from me before you come to Korea then? I can’t say Korea is known for tourism in the winter, but there are still some amazing places that you can see. There are quite a few picturesque locations. I made you an 8-day itinerary including the trains and transportation you’ll need to take and the order in which you should visit each place if you choose to go to them. You will see that for certain places, I have included a little anecdote about the last time I was there. These are purely to provide you with context as to why it is added, and definitely not because I am trying to persuade you to go. The sheet is just a framework though, hopefully, it makes your planning easier. 

          I also suggested a couple of days to meet. Depending on your plans, any of those days work for me. I know there won’t be enough time for me to confirm once you decide on the exact dates and write back to me, so once you pick the date, assume a confirmation from me. I think you would appreciate my choice of location. I wouldn’t say it’s a theme cafe, but the place has been here for so long, it feels like a historic find. It feels lived in, in the best way possible for a cafe. I used to come here often when we first started writing - it was right around the corner from work at the time. At a point where I felt like I was constantly running, the cafe just slowed down time. I think you would approve.

Yours, 

Jaehyun

          Of course, Jaehyun wanted to meet. It was the wait, the excitement that was pushing him to ruminate on Jaehyun’s words. People walked in and out of the cafe and despite his best efforts not to, Johnny was staring at the door, waiting for him to walk in. He was generally patient, but Jaehyun was definitely right about how time seemed to slow down the moment he stepped into the cafe. Five minutes turned into ten and then fifteen before a voice snapped him out of his thoughts, “Um... Johnny?” 

___

February 22nd, 2019 

          A long hot shower was exactly what he needed after the flight home. A week and a half of LA weather, and it was as if Johnny had forgotten the concept of winter. The gush of cold wind that blew right as he stepped out of the airport was a harsh welcome back to New York. As much as he loved living in the city, winter was the one part of New York he could live without. “I’m just saying, it wouldn't hurt to show some appreciation to the person that house-sat for you.” A voice called out from the kitchen, “and I did it for free you know!” It was one of his neighbours, Yangyang, a college kid who under the guise of ‘house sitting’ got a place to himself whenever Johnny had to leave for photo shoots across the country. 

          "You did it because you were tired of being the third wheel in your apartment." Johnny says walking out of his bedroom. He scanned the living room- honestly, the house was in much better condition than he expected it to be. The plants looked watered, he took out his own garbage this time and it even seemed like Yangyang swept the floors when he was gone. This must have been how his parents felt leaving him alone in the house when they went away. Kids weren’t ever really part of Johnny’s plan, but given the amount of time Yangyang spent in his apartment, it was almost as if he had one. A grown one. 

          Yangyang had a cup of coffee ready by the time Johnny joined him in the kitchen. “Still… you don’t know what it’s like cooking for yourself when you know Kun-ge is making amazing food downstairs.” He called out, as he wandered into the living room in search of something. A glance near the sink and it was clear that Yangyang hadn’t touched the stove in the past week he’d been there. With the amount of tupperware containers set to dry, he could guess that the aforementioned Kun had been feeding him throughout the week. “Now I feel less guilty about eating the brownies you hid in the back of your fridge.” 

          “What brownies?” Johnny was soon opening the fridge to see what he was talking about. At the back of the fridge, there was one brownie left, part of the edibles that he forgot he bought before leaving for LA. Maybe leaving weed around the house wasn’t the greatest of ideas when Yangyang was home alone. “God, Yangyang, there were ten in there when I was gone. Were you getting high every day?” 

          “It wasn’t just me, I shared it with friends…” the statement was in such a matter-of-fact kind of tone that Johnny could only snort. This was on him, the invitation did include helping himself to anything in the fridge. When Yangyang returns, he hands Johnny a pile of envelopes, “You got this, while you were gone.” 

          “Thanks- you staying for dinner tonight?” Putting the coffee cup aside, he takes the envelopes- flipping through mainly bills until he reaches one particular envelope. The question was rhetorical at best, the answer was always yes. Which was why both Yangyang, who had settled near the dining table and engrossed in scrolling through his phone, and Johnny, who was now distracted, didn’t care for an answer. The letter was from Korea, from Johnny’s neighbour when he was living in Busan. Odd , she didn’t say that she was sending anything to him. Opening up the envelope he finds a short note in it with another envelope inside. 

Hey Johnny, 

          This letter got forwarded here a while ago from Paris… Sorry I completely forgot to send it to you!  

Somi

          Reaching within the envelope, he finds a smaller one within it before his eyes land on a familiar name at the return address. It’d been seven years since they last spoke. Reading that name after so long, it was as if he was transported back in time. 

          Jaehyun .    

          It had been years since they wrote to each other. With everything ending so abruptly, for weeks he thought that Jaehyun might write back - he had pushed too far for comfort, still there was room to hope. But then a couple of months passed, and then a year. It wasn’t that he was expecting a response, but hope had a way of clinging on that even when he left Paris, he left a trail of him behind - in the off chance that Jaehyun might change his mind.  

          Tearing open the envelope, he read its contents, a smile taking over his lips. Too immersed, he didn’t realize that Yangyang, who was on his phone only seconds ago, was now peering over him to see the letter. “Who’s Jaehyun?” 

          “God Yangyang-” Flinching, Johnny turns to the male beside him- “oh just this guy who stood me up seven years ago…"  It seemed as if it was ages ago, but Johnny remembered it like it was yesterday. Flipping over the envelope, his attention fixes on the return address. “He finally called back."

A/N:  Thank you-  and I mean you lol the one person that's still reading see you probably next year welp