September 15th 2008

Dear Johnny,  

          Probation period is finally over. I guess that means I can now be more honest with the articles that I write. Well no, the place that I work in actually appreciates critical thinking and reflection. There's a common misconception, that journalism is the art of  objectively presenting facts and events, but there’s so much more to that. In a way it’s almost the opposite. The way you chose to present an idea, how a sentence is phrased, and even just the difference of a word can influence the way that the reader interprets an event or the relationship between two individuals. It is closer to writing a persuasive essay than it is transcribing history. 

        I suppose most writing is similar to a persuasive essay. The goal is not to share an experience but to unpack and understand what one can learn from it. Writing is about influencing the reader to go from being an apathetic bystander to an active participant in the world around them.  Like you did with me. 

         Jaehyun couldn’t pinpoint the moment, or the day, or even the month that he began to feel so connected with Johnny.  He was thousands of miles away, and yet their lives seemed to be more entangled than the coworker that he sat beside every day or the neighbour who always seemed to take the elevator when he did. Johnny had an effect on his life, and he couldn’t deny that. Of course, he might have eventually, out of pure frustration, quit his job on his own accord and found this new one. But Jonny’s letters, the passion when he wrote about his own aspirations, the genuine confidence when he stated that Jaehyun’s talent and happiness was worth so much more than the fear of rejection- it had all ignited a sense of determination within him. He could have done it on his own. But Johnny…. Johnny’s support was a much needed push that gave him a head start. 

         I’m not saying that without you, I wouldn’t have eventually quit my old job and sought out one that I am proud to be doing. But you made the choice easy.

         The sound of a shutter going off brought Jaehyun back out of his head and into the scenery that surrounded him. The fall air had brought on a nice crisp of freshness into the weather. When Jaehyun turned around,  Yuta had the camera up and another click of the shutter followed. “What are you doing?” The man was examining the picture that was taken and Jaehyun is soon by his side as well. The big city that was Seoul seemed like an insignificant pool of cement from the Suraksan Mountain. A smiling Jaehyun was facing away from the scenery looking into the camera, it was clearly candid.  Was he smiling? Too deep into his thoughts, he hadn’t noticed that he was. 

          “Dude, you’re actually so beautiful.” Yuta spoke and he couldn’t quite place the expression on his roommate’s face. He wasn’t sure if the look emitted a genuine compliment or utter annoyance. Given that it was Yuta, it could be either. Or both. Probably both. “Why do you get to be this good looking and still single?” Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head before he walked on. “You could really make someone happy one day… such a waste of beauty.” 

          “It’s been a while hasn’t it?” It had been a year since his last relationship, and of course there were parts of it that he had wanted physically and emotionally but he hadn’t actually had the time to miss it. Work had consumed Jaehyun for the past couple of months: looking for a new job, applying for any decent position, and the multitude of interviews while still working had brought his love life to a stand still. “I should probably do something about that.”  When he looks back at Yuta, the man looks thoroughly surprised. “What?” 

          “I don’t know… I just didn’t expect you to agree.” Jaehyun almost expected his roommate to continue on with that thought. It wasn’t in Yuta’s nature to let go of the topic just like that, but they continued the hike up. There was still another kilometer for the peak of the mountain. 

           I guess sometimes your friends just know what’s best for you when you can’t see it. 

          “You know in college, I had a thing with a guy for a while.” Yuta’s sudden proclamation had cut through the song that played in the background. Jaehyun has to believe the confession was motivated by Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed a Girl’ that had just finished the first chorus. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything to that but chokes slightly on air, dumbfounded. “Not for  a while… we just kissed once at a party.” A pause, “Okay, twice.” Another pause, “Okay we went to second base but that’s it.” 

          “Okay. That’s… really fine. I don’t need to know more.” Jaehyun stops before the other divulges further information about his experiences.  

          “I’m just saying, I did.” Yuta shrugs the comment off and they were back to the silence soon after. It didn’t last however as the other spoke up again, with an unreadable expression to go along with it. “I just think that we should be able to tell each other things since we’ve been living together for three and a half years now.” 

          “Are you trying to tell me something?” Jaehyun has an eyebrow raised, Yuta seemed to be particularly beating around the bush and there was a feeling creeping up at the pit of his stomach telling him that the comments that Yuta was making had an underlying incentive. “Because, I thought you had a girlfriend.”  

          “I do-” Yuta agreed. Living together, there were always quiet moments between them, they were never uncomfortable however, they had easily slipped in and out of conversation. This occasion was different, the abrupt end to Yuta’s musings had brought an unsettling feeling that Jaehyun couldn’t shake. But, maybe it was all in his head. 

          “You know, you remind me of Sicheng sometimes.”

           It definitely was not in his head. 

          “What- why?” Jaehyun’s eyebrows were furrowed, eyes darting over towards the man to his side. He couldn’t ignore the way his stomach flipped. Sicheng, by nature, was a quiet person within their friend group. If the male did not have such soft features and a gentle disposition, he would have easily been mistaken to be cold. If Jaehyun was somewhat reserved, Sicheng was practically closed off. He had the odd feeling that was not the comparison his roommate was making. 

          “You know… same age, very closed off, emotionally stunted.” The two stare at each other for a prolonged moment, the comment seeming to weigh on Jaehyun more than it should. The two were very alike in certain ways, he supposed, and it wasn’t the first time the comparison was made. But this time… this time it was different. 

          “Right.” It was a choice not to question that any further. Sicheng was a question mark in many of their books, being as reserved as he was. Jaehyun remembered the group being particularly interested in the man’s life outside of their circle only to come back disappointed with the lack of information that they were able to obtain. It took them four months to find out the man had an older sister and then another year before he told them that he had another sibling that they still don’t know the name or identity of. Which was why when Sicheng introduced them to a man at their thanksgiving dinner everyone was a little taken aback.

           Everyone except for Yuta that was. 

          Later on Jaehyun had learned that Sicheng had been debating the idea of bringing his date to the party at all. He couldn't deny that it hurt a little, Jaehyun prided himself in the fact that he had surrounded himself with open minded people and yet for Sicheng to feel uncomfortable was upsetting. 'It's still hard, even if you know your friends won't care.' Yuta had said at the time, and Jaehyun agreed. "Have you talked to Sicheng recently?" Yuta asks and Jaehyun merely shakes his head at the question seemingly distracted by the thoughts that he was trying very hard to keep from surfacing.  

          As they moved along to the top of the mountain, he could see the fleeting glances that his roommate was giving him. It was as if he was trying to say something, and the deliberation in his head visible on his face. “Did you hear they're making a korean movie based on Antique Bakery?”

          “Are they?” Jaehyun seems uninterested, but he could see the man’s eyebrows furrow in thought. Another couple of seconds of silence felt deafening. 

          “Johnny seems pretty nice-” Jaehyun stops dead in his tracks, eyes closed in frustration with a laboured and audible sigh that followed. He should have seen this coming. 

          “Oh, for the love of-” 

          Maybe they know more about you than you realize. Sometimes more than you wish they did. Granted, the last part was more about Yuta, than you. I’m very thankful to you. I’m often thankful to him as well, but gratitude tinged with a little resentment. 

          Jaehyun had pretty much sprinted the rest of the way up, five hundred meters of power walking up the mountain had pumped enough adrenaline into his body that he could put aside the thoughts that were taking over him. His limbs were sore from the walk and he had soon settled himself on the rocky ground as he waited for his roommate to show up. 

          We went to the Suraksan Mountain that you mentioned in your last letter. I can’t believe I’ve been here all my life, and never been. We stayed overnight at the shelter like you had suggested, saw the sunset and the sunrise from the mountain. The beauty of it really is one that you have to see. Describing it would be a disservice. 

          His thoughts slowed down as he took in a much needed breath of air. As he let it out he could feel his worries dissipate. He couldn’t tell if it was the tiredness of the hike or if the grandeur of the place that had diminished what seemed so substantial to him only moments ago. I think you grossly overestimate the beauty of Paris- putting it all on the Eiffel tower, and the Notre-Dame. Not saying it isn’t, but I think there’re so many other places that you miss when focusing on the most popular ones. Jaehyun couldn’t help but recall the words that Johnny had written in one of his letters. The statement was followed by an explanation that it was little restaurants and nature that had brought beauty into his life. Johnny then suggested that he should wander around Seoul, hopping from one bus to another without a destination, but Jaehyun was quick to dismiss that idea- negotiating instead to visit some of the  locations in Johnny’s list of places he wanted to photograph. 

          Johnny had a sense of adventure that Jaehyun admired, but couldn’t imagine indulging in himself. The man had told him that the move to Paris from America was not planned. According to Johnny, the thought occurred to him in a dream one night and the next day there he was applying for the visa. While he wasn’t packing up everything he owns for a trip with an indefinite end date overnight, Johnny had managed to push him into taking an impromptu hiking adventure. It wasn’t noticeable, but the past two and half years of friendship had Jaehyun change in small ways that brightened his life a little more. 

          When Jaehyun hears footsteps approach him, he turns to see his roommate come crashing down on him. It was as if the man had lost all support of his bone structure as he draped himself over Jaehyun, head resting against his shoulder. “You’re going to have to drag me to the room.” Yuta said, and taking off the camera that was hanging from his neck, he handed it to Jaehyun. 

          But Yuta did take some pictures that captured parts of our trip. I’ve added some of them so that you could live vicariously till you get a chance to experience the real thing yourself.  

          Jaehyun and Yuta got back from their weekend hiking trip to face another work day the following morning. Mondays were much less anxiety inducing than it had been in the past. Jaehyun was looking forward to going back to work, and maybe part of it had been his excitement to mail out the letter he had finished up on the way.  

        A month had passed by fairly quickly. The following weeks had brought not only the country but the whole world into anxiety over the global recession. For Jaehyun, it had opened up new projects within his department and he was tasked with unpacking the policy responses to the financial crisis. It had felt as if his whole life had been warped only to focus on the numbers and policy when the much needed intervention came in the form of Johnny’s letter back. His life that had been plagued with a sense of urgency and politics slowed down almost instantly. It was as if their conversation had existed beyond space and time itself. 

          The letter back thanked him for the pictures that he had sent and agreed that indeed, Yuta did take some good ones. He briefly mentions that Jaehyun looked more mature than he had expected but then quickly moved on to another anecdote from Johnny’s life as he often did in his letters. 

          You know, I get that. As much as you appreciate your friends, sometimes you wish they didn’t know as much as they do. That being said, I hate to admit it- but having that friend there, who is there and willing to support you… it takes a huge load off. I know it did for me. Sometimes, what you need is a friend who knows too much. 

          It wasn’t until the next day that Jaehyun got to writing back to the letter that he had received. He was planted on the couch to write when Yuta got back from work with a letter in hand. 

          “Letter from Johnny.” He says, and Jaehyun looked confused, having only received the last one a day ago. Thoughts seemed to speed a hundred miles a moment, concerned about the contents. What had the man write to him a day later? Nevertheless, he quickly opens up envelope to read the quick note that was enclosed. A smile creeped up as he read the words, in hindsight, he wasn't sure why he was concerned.  

          This was so typical of Johnny.          

September 30th 2008

Dear Jaehyun, 

         I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. But here we are. 

         I've fallen in love a total of three times in my life. I think seeing your face was my fourth. Man... you're honestly a piece of art.

         Your personality is fine.

Johnny