September 13th, 2011

Dear Johnny,

        I’m sorry for the delayed response… This letter has been very difficult to write. Nothing I write to you seems right. But, this one I will send.

        ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​The weather has been all too hot to leave the house these days. Much so that Seoul had a major power outage a few days ago during an unusual September heatwave. All that I have been doing apart from work is to bury myself within books. There’s this particular one that I recently finished.

        ​​​​​​​Have you heard of the book Life of Pi? It’s about a boy who gets stuck in the middle of the ocean on a boat alone with a tiger… or by himself, depending on how you look at it. His life is conveyed in a series of fantastical stories- not to convince the reader of what he believes, but to explain why he believes it. He reminds me of you... presenting certain larger-than-life musings in the form of anecdotes…

        ​​​​​​​“Pretty majestic, huh?” The voice that snapped Jaehyun out of his thoughts soon materialized into a young man around his age. Jaehyun’s eyes shifted away from the Siberian tiger grooming itself to the person beside him. The male wore a jacket with the zoo’s logo on it, and a clipboard with just the word ‘notes’.

        ​​​​​​​Jaehyun hums in response to the stranger, and it was the affirmation the male needed to continue talking, “Yeah, sometimes I stand and watch her too… She almost ate me one day.” There was a short pause and now Jaehyun’s attention was fixed on the man with an incredulous look before he continued, “it was my fault- I shouldn’t have gone in when she was feeding, well… I guess I shouldn't have gone in at all.” There is an awkward smile spread across the male’s lips.

        ​​​​​​​“That’s fair.” Jaehyun nodded, judgment clear in his voice as he snickered.

        ​​​​​​​He wasn’t sure what had prompted the male, to start talking to him, much less divulging his near-death encounter within the zoo. “I’m an intern… they don’t let me do much around here.” Well, that explained what prompted the conversation - but it shifted from there. “She’s pretty special though, there aren’t many Siberian tigers left out there.” Stories mixed in with fun facts, the intern was fully immersed in this conversation as if he was waiting for someone to talk to.

        ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​It isn’t until the male mentions a particular story, a sense of familiarity dawns on him. The man’s looks and the accented Korean had sparked curiosity but when he goes on about a story about his professor’s pet spider being lost in class - Jaehyun knew he had heard that somewhere before. “Yeah, so, that’s what got me interested in Zoology, so I-”

        ​​​​​​​“Are you Hendery?” Jaehyun cuts the male off before the end, his story finally piecing together where he knew the other from.

        ​​​​​​​“Uhh.. yeah-” The dumbfounded look on Hendery’s face soon changed into a concerned one. “Have we met?”

        ​​​​​​​“You’re Sicheng’s boyfriend- right?” Jaehyun was now sure, it had been quite a few years but he had seen that face before. He particularly remembered the story about the professor’s spider during the one and only thanksgiving dinner they had inspired by some American show they had watched.

        ​​​​​​​“What? Sicheng Ge? no-” The instinctual response was somewhat defensive before a sense of realization dawned on him then corrected himself, “I mean yes- I’m his boyfriend” A pause “Was his boyfriend.” Another pause, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he continued “Wait, did he say we were still dating?”

        ​​​​​​​“No-” There is an unconvinced look on Jaehyun’s face, unsure of what was making the man so defensive with this. Nevertheless, he was ready to push the conversation aside until Hendery voluntarily started to divulge more information as soon as Jaehyun responded.

        ​​​​​​​“Yeah- we broke up soon after that, like a month max, then he broke my heart” It wasn’t that Jaehyun asked but the more the male spoke, the more clear it became that something was off. “It was very sad, I cried...” An exaggerated nod followed.

        ​​​​​​​“Really?” Jaehyun asks, and the frown on Hendery’s face was almost comical, “He said that he was still dating you last Christmas.” It had to be noted that he didn’t know that for a fact. As close as the group was, that wasn’t something Sicheng generally discussed. Jaehyun watched as the male’s eyes grew wide for a moment before nodding contemplatively before continuing on with his previous statement.

        ​​​​​​​“...and then we got back together again a month after that!- is… what I was going to say- you know how it is- the on and off thing.” Henderey chuckled awkwardly. The unconvinced look on Jaehyun’s face was enough for the man to cut whatever act he was doing. “Okay fine, we’re not dating okay- it was just for that night, I don’t do that anymore, I’m not good at it.”

        ​​​​​​​“You don’t do what anymore?”

        ​​​​​​​One of the stories he tells is about his childhood growing up in a Zoo since his father owned one. Despite the heat, I found myself visiting the Seoul Grand Park Zoo last week. Apart from school trips to the Zoo, I had never imagined going as an adult, and that too alone. Something about morality and the ethics of containing animals.

        ​​​​​​​When I visited the zoo, the Siberian tiger had recently birthed two cubs… as a species going extinct, this was good news. I found myself watching the cubs for a while, and eventually one of them had to be separated from their mother for a check-up with the vet. You see, in the wild, up until a certain age, tigers are very protective of their cubs. As such defenseless creatures, any intrusion is a threat. But in this case, it’s as if the mother knew that the cub wasn’t in danger. I’ve always wondered what it took to get animals comfortable around humans.

        ​​​​​​​“Well you see- in my second year of college, people used to pay me to act like their boyfriend for a work thing or weddings so they don’t have to go alone and-” Hendery shrugged, only for Jaehyun to mimic the action as if questioning what it means, “he didn’t pay me for it- but it started with Sicheng Ge, which was I thought I could do it- but then random people kept seeing me on streets and asking me if I was so-and-so’s boyfriend, so…” There’s an awkward chuckle that follows.

        ​​​​​​​Jaehyun can’t help but snort, amused by the whole thing that was until something dawns on him. “Wait…Sicheng wanted you to pretend to be his boyfriend for us?” Hendery nodded, “Why?”

        ​​​​​​​Henderey made a face as if he was trying his best not to offend Jaehyun, “He knew you would all be okay with it- obviously.” He says, “but come on, you could understand how awkward it is, it just seemed faster and easier to present someone and be like this is my boyfriend,” Hendery gestures as if pointing to someone, “deal with it how you must.”

        ​​​​​​​“Of course... that sounds like something he would do,” Jaehyun laughs, “It’s genius.” Looking back at it, he wasn’t quite sure how he had missed that. Sicheng had never before or after that one time had introduced someone to the group, so why would he then? But then again, knowing their group of friends, and the types of reactions a proper coming out would elicit, this was the better option.

        ​​​​​​​The conversation shifted from there, when Jaehyun’s eyes drew back to the tiger, Henderey explains that she got a cut recently from one of the cubs and that she was the wound to disinfect it.

        ​​​​​​​You have to forgive my lack of journalistic integrity here, as I will be regurgitating information from a fictional novel (and an intern at the zoo) without fact checking. But according to the book, one of the most crucial aspects of zookeeping is to reduce an animal’s flight distance. The distance at which an animal’s fight or flight response kicks in at the threat of an intruder into their space. The zookeeper’s job is to shorten that distance enough to ensure that they feel secure having intruders within their comfort zone. Naturally, it’s different for different animals, generally, prey have a much shorter flight distance than predators such as the Siberian tiger. It’s described as an art, filled with calculated techniques- patient and careful management to train an animal to become comfortable surrounded by humans.

        ​​​​​​​Maybe part of it is also getting humans comfortable around other animals. Comfortable knowing that a wild creature has been domesticated enough for our protection. I was approximately twenty meters away from the Siberian tiger; although we were still separated by thick glass… I suppose since neither of our fight or flight responses kicked in- the training works.

        ​​​​​​​It had been almost an hour of them walking around the zoo when Jaehyun glanced once again at the clipboard that Hendery was still clutching on to. The otherwise empty page still read the word ‘Notes’ on it. He would ask if the other had anything better to do, but given the male had moved on to giving him an unprompted lecture on same- attraction among animals that he was certain was not part of the man’s internship, that question answered itself. “Hey, can I ask you a question?” Jaehyun asks, and when Hendery hums in response, he looks the other’s way. He could form the question in his head but the words seemed to get stuck on the way out. Jaehyun shook his head, waving off the thought, “..nevermind.”

        ​​​​​​​“No, ask me.”

        ​​​​​​​Not to compare myself to a wildcat, but, in the past close-to-six years it is almost as if you have mastered the art of disengaging the alarm bells that ring in my head each time you ask a question far too personal for me to handle. As if you know just what to say to agitate, but cautious not to evoke a flight response. Over the years you’ve made me comfortable.

        ​​​​​​​I’ve become comfortable with this friendship. Comfortable knowing that you would write to me every month regardless of whatever I throw at you. When we started writing, every move you made felt as if you would destroy the sense of security I had created through James Marscille… but over time I think I stopped recognizing how close we had become.

        ​​​​​​​You know when I was standing in front of that tiger, I thought for a moment that she looked my way. It probably wasn't the case, but I felt that our eyes met if not for a moment. I think we both knew that we were far closer than what would be possible in the wild. But I think that glass wall… it was security for both of us. The glass wall was comforting. This distance between us was comforting.

        ​​​​​​​Every time you hint at the possibility of visiting Seoul and ask me what I think of a particular spot… I know what you’re asking.

        ​​​​​​​You're reluctantly asking a question, to which you're not sure what the response will be.

        ​​​​​​​The thing is, I do.

        ​​​​​​​“When did you know-” Jaehyun clears his throat ''-it was the right time to come out?”

        ​​​​​​​“Oh, I’m not- '' The words halted midway as Hendery’s eyes met his own- a sense of realization seemed to dawn on the man before he continued to speak, “I think… there’s no one right time… if it feels comfortable... but you know Sicheng Ge used to say that it was more about when it was relevant.”

        ​​​​​​​“Relevant?” Jaehyun quirks a brow.

        ​​​​​​​“You all were going really hard on setting him up with someone-” Henderey shrugged, "so it became relevant." Oddly, to Jaehyun, that made sense. “I don’t know if that helped…”

        ​​​​​​​“It did, kind of…”

        ​​​​​​​He watched as a lopsided smile spread across Henderey's lips, “Also… if anything, if you reeeally, have no other way, I guess one more time pretending won’t hurt-” He says, “don’t worry, I won’t charge you.”

        ​​​​​​​“Thank you” Jaehyun chuckles, in another situation, he might have taken up the offer but maybe this was one of those occasions where telling someone of a sudden boyfriend wouldn’t work in his favour, “but, I don’t think it would be a great look, saying that I’m dating my friend’s ex.” Besides, this was something he needed to do himself.

        ​​​​​​​When you come here– if you come here, this dance we've been doing for years will have to come to its denouement. Whatever comes after that, it won't be that blissfully vague non-definition of a relationship that you've assigned to us. It won't be just words on a paper. This thing that's been taking shape between us will crystallize into something real.

        ​​​​​​​And that terrifies me. Which was why when you, who had been the utmost patient and cautious all these years, asked me so blatantly if I would like to meet, it felt as if the glass wall had shattered. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. No, I am definitely not ready.

        ​​​​​​​“Jaehyun…”

        ​​​​​​​Jaehyun’s eyes scanned the sheet, he was trying to read through the words, but each time his thought seemed to slip past him, unable to finish it.The time of year had become quite busy, having to travel for stories and it was one of the reasons that Jaehyun had come up with for not responding to Johnny. He didn’t have the time, even if he were to find a place to sit down and write, he was still thinking about something else- he needed some time to relax. What he wrote was never right.

        ​​​​​​​“Jaehyun...” The sound from the call had snapped his attention back to his laptop to face the producer for the piece that he was working on.

        ​​​​​​​“Oh, yes? Sorry, I was just looking over the questions.”

        ​​​​​​​“Are you good to meet at Jeju Island?” The producer asks. It takes another couple of minutes on the skype call before they wrap up. Jaehyun’s eyes shift back towards the letter that he had written.

        ​​​​​​​But I've been hiding in the shadows of comfort for years now, from my job, you… myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I would love to meet you.

Yours,

Jaehyun.

        ​​​​​​​The letter seemed to grow heavier the more he read the last few words. He would send it on the way to work tomorrow, the way he always had. It was easy, he couldn’t count how many times he had done that in the past nearly six years. He could do it again. The side of Jaehyun’s lips tugs up in uncertainty. Maybe what he wrote wasn’t quite right.