Seven.
Will You Save Me

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I wouldn’t say it got to me but some words did get stuck in my head. Words like “karma” and “death”. All of a sudden, the two are inseparable thoughts in my head that keeps me up at night and moves me about my day to non-sense. I don’t know what Baekhyun seasoned his words with but I surely don’t regret hearing them as much as I didn’t necessarily enjoy them.

There’s not much to do when you’re in a place like this. You just live your days doing things that help you ponder on the life you led and the life you’ll be living or giving away. Somehow, as time passes, the people who I become familiar with start to disappear one by one.

Two more people are gone today. As I see people come and go, the promise of VITA is becoming truer and truer to me. It’s like the reality begins to hurt and now I know I am not living a fantasy.

“Did you know that suicide was legal in other countries before VITA happened?” Baekhyun asks me as we sit at the same table where we had that gruesome conversation about life. “They called it assisted death and that’s like avoiding the word suicide.”

I just look at him as he says these things like it’s a passing term. Like they don’t mean anything.

“I mean, why avoid it? It’s practically the same thing. But do you know what they call it instead?” He pauses and looks at me. He’s not expecting an answer. He just wants to make sure I am listening. “Euthanasia.”

His eyes are empty like he’s been telling this all his life. He has a whole strawberry in his mouth and when he bites, a bit of the juice spills out of his mouth. He wipes it with the back of his hand.

“I’m just saying, I don’t think they have the same principles.”

I watch him talk a bit more. Watch. I don’t really hear anything. Rather, I just watch the words spill out of his mouth in the form of fruit juices. He’s incredibly clumsy and so terrifyingly empty. It’s something you see beyond someone’s eyes. His pupils are still and they don’t dilate even with a smile. There’s nothing there. So, I don’t mean it when I say these things.

“Are you sad?”

He doesn’t react the way I expect. Not with a chortle or a weird look. He just sits there and continues to eat, words spilling from euthanasia-related observations to “I am completely fine” statements overdone.

“No, you don’t understand,” I tell him. “Are you okay?”

“Is that out of empathy or pity?”

“How do I know?”

He smiles, and his eyes remain still. “I don’t know, Kyungsoo. It’s not easy when you’ve been waiting for someone else to save you from your own demise after wanting to meet your own demise.” Baekhyun realizes how completely odd his situation is but he sounds like he’s still full of hope. “I don’t wish to live a long time, just a little longer than expected. In fact, I just want to be better. Once I’m done here, life can do whatever it wants to me up good. I guess, waiting for that one chance can be quite draining and that’s what you see in me. So, to answer your question, maybe? Maybe not. If anything, I am more tired than I am sad.”

I nod and we sit in silence before slipping out of the cafeteria. I know he notices how many people have come and gone just in the past week yet he remains. That’s why he doesn’t want to get to know anyone anymore. He just sticks with me unless I’m in my room or just leaves for the spa to get a massage.

I don’t know if it’s the noticeable emptiness but his face even grew sadder when Minseok comes to meet us in the middle of the hallway.

“Good, you’re here,” he greets us. I point at myself just to make sure to which he nods. “Can I borrow him for a moment?” he asks Baekhyun who just nods and turns away, walking in the opposite direction. I watch him walk away for a while before I myself get dragged into what appears to be an office. It’s empty, just a table, two chairs, and a window.

“Is everything okay? You look a little too worried about Baekhyun,” Minseok asks me as he reaches for his chair, dragging it close to mine.

“He’s been sad,” I say. “I guess he’s tired of waiting.”

“He can’t do anything while he’s with us; don’t worry.”

Minseok goes on to explain, yet again, how the place is secure and how no one can do anything to hurt themselves. And of course, that kind of puts me at ease. Minseok has been here longer. He would know if anything was wrong or if there was anything I should be alarmed about. He seems to know Baekhyun as much, too. That also helps me sleep at night, helps me simmer for a moment, and breathe. Even when I don’t see Baekhyun around, I breathe. Through his words, I am able to take a moment and breathe.

Breathe.

Sometimes I forget I breathe so I force myself too until I breathe too much my heart starts pumping so loud. Like if I let go of that control, I would die. I am not afraid to die but to die this way gives me a bit of that fear. Right now I don’t know if I can let go. It’s hard when you don’t realize what’s happening around you. Like seeing Baekhyun on top of a tree and then seeing him walk over with an empty smile on his face.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe when I see my reflection. It’s not weird but it’s disturbing because sometimes Baekhyun stands behind me with a knife in his hand then I see him somewhere far where the leaves break in the yard.

Then I begin losing sleep that I dream awake. It’s not that I know it’s a dream but I don’t believe it can be real. Baekhyun is always in that dream. Walking on the railings where they greeted us during orientation. He will always be there, balancing himself in the beams. He never falls but I am always afraid he would. So I make a noise and then the dream shifts and he’s just standing right in front of me with that sad smile.

One time, he asks me, “Will you save me?”

Of course, I say yes. Like it’s the only way he won’t fall. Like it could actually save him. I plead to him, “Yes, Baekhyun, please. Yes, I will save you. Please.” And then I cry. I cry so hard it begins to actually rip my own ears as he laughs so loud throwing his head back, standing on that beam. My heart aches and it bleeds. He can’t fall, I must save him. So, I keep crying yes. Yes, I will save you, goddamnit.

But then he looks at me and smiles and for the first time, he smiles so genuinely it rips me apart. “Thank you,” he tells me then falls behind beyond the beams where he meets the hell he refuses to leave.

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