Five.
To Live Forever

~ · ~ · ~

“How was your first day?” Minseok asks me. A cup of untouched chamomile tea sits in front of me. It seems as if everybody loves tea in this place.

“It was interesting,” I tell him and he smiles like it’s the right answer. Minseok always does that. He has this look on his face that makes me think he’s proud of me — whether I answer or at least try to. He makes it seem as if everything I do is an achievement that should be celebrated. This time, he just smiles at me for a while. It’s not weird but I can’t seem to grasp about the reason why he’s doing it either.

“Interesting,” he echoes. “Tell me about it.”

“Well,” I begin. “I met a man at the spa today.”

“A man?”

“I didn’t mean to see it. I was wandering around and ended up at the spa. The receptionist told me about the services they offer and that they’re free. I’ve never been to a spa before.” The way Minseok listens just makes you want to tell more. In his office — warm and cozy — you’ll feel safe like you’re at your favorite brother’s place where he and his family of four lives with their backyard garden and two big dogs that wander around happily. Minseok has a dog in his office, lying next to him with his paws crossed. His fur is thick and golden and he seems as if he’s just as soothed by Minseok’s voice as I am.

“I said I will try the sensory pod thing and so they asked me to take a bath first and that’s where I met him.” I pause and Minseok just stares. He knows the story doesn’t end there so I continue. “I just got out of the shower and his ness was the first thing I saw.”

“Did it feel awkward?”

“Do you feel awkward seeing other people’s ?” I ask him and he laughs with a shake on his head. “I’m saying, I’m not surprised I saw him . I’m surprised he can be .”

Minseok stares some more.

“I can’t do that.”

“Well, what did the man tell you?”

“He taught me stuff about this place. Like a guide but not officially.” Minseok finishes his cup and I just watch as he pours himself some more tea. “He told me that if I leave my clothes in the locker, someone will dry clean it for me. And that the cafeteria is full around noon because of lunch so if I hate crowds, I should avoid it. He also taught me where to put used towels.”

“Did you find any of them useful?”

“I think so,” I tell Minseok who picks his cup up.

“And did you do as that stranger told you?”

“I’m not a particularly neat person, alright,” I tell him. “I don’t do the things those huge advertisements tell you to. I buy the cheapest toiletries — shampoo, soap; I don’t even use a hair conditioner. I am not fond of these things. And it’s not like I will want to change anything about myself either. There’s no way I am going to do that because firstly, there’s no one to look nice or smell nice for. Secondly, when you work 10 hours a day, seven days a week at a factory on a post you inherited from your dead father, all you want to do after a hard day’s work is to lie down and sleep. Maybe grab a can of pork and beans before bed but that’s it.”

“Doing these things never crossed my mind. But this place… This place, Minseok, is a mystery to me. It makes me do things I don’t usually do. I think in a way I wouldn’t outside the premises of this institution. I have no idea why I did but I threw in my towel in that bin and kept my clothes in the locker to have it dry cleaned. I am not one to notice the soft clothes and the squeaky clean walls and floors but now I am. It’s like I don't want my stain to leave a mark on this place.”

“I have two questions,” Minseok sits up, uncrossing his legs. “Why do you think it’s the place that makes you do it?”

“Because, what else would?” I answer almost immediately. “I mean, I know none of these people. I don’t have any responsibility for you. I never felt the need to be clean when I’m at work but in this place, it’s like I’m programmed to be.”

“Don’t you think, perhaps, the reason you’re changing is that you’ve finally opened up to a new environment apart from your usual lifestyle where you’re surrounded by grimy walls and floors and an oily factory machine?”

I sit quietly.

“And you said you don’t want your stain to leave a mark on this place. What do you mean by that?”

“I just don’t feel clean enough for this place. In my head, if I want to stay here, I need to be just like everyone else.”

“And what do you think does that make you?” Minseok stares at me, begging for an answer without even looking so desperate for it. “Does being like everyone else make you feel any better? Or are you only trying to conform to the standards you believe this place imposes on you?”

There are a lot of answers in my head. Yes, of course, being a part of something makes me feel better. The people around me are almost similar but we’re all wired in peculiar ways that it’s almost impossible to group us either. I think, by being here, we’re all comforted by the idea that there are people like us who exist. We’re not the odd ones out. We simply didn’t know where to fit in.

But this place, there’s something magnetic about it. It’s a utopia for someone like me and so I begin to question whether or not I want to stay here or not. Do I want to live or do I want to die at the end of it all?

“Kyungsoo?”

I look up at Minseok and breathe. “The guy from the spa has been here for seven months. You’ve been here for… how long?”

“Five years.”

“Five years. If people like you and he can choose to stay here for an amount of time longer than intended, then can I do the same?”

“How long did you intend to stay here?”

“Six months,” I tell him. “It’s what the website told me.”

“And now, how long do you intend to stay here?”

I can’t quite understand his question then it settles somewhere within me. “Forever,” I blurt out so casually that it doesn’t even surprise me.

“You think people can stay here forever?”

“Can’t we?”

“No.” Minseok chuckles. “Every single person only has a finite amount of time to live — whether it’s in here or out. If you’re a donee and you’ve successfully undergone the final procedure, we’ll run tests with you to find out how long your final life expectancy shall be.”

“How about for as long as I live?”

“Even Dr. Kim doesn’t live here anymore. No one stays here forever, Kyungsoo. Whether your idea of forever is until your demise or for all eternity, it simply isn’t possible. Even for people like me. A part of us was taken away when we decided to work here, Kyungsoo. This job takes a toll on us. We’re not perfect. We try to be as calm and collected as possible when we face our participants but that doesn’t mean we’re all entirely alright. And this is not to burden you; it’s our job. But seeing how life is handled by the system puts us in a certain perspective that we all learn to live by. We lose at least one person every day, Kyungsoo, and that’s not because of poor management but because of certain realizations about life that we discover in our stay here as counselors, researchers, receptionists, etcetera, etcetera.”

“I’d manage my expectations, if I were you, Kyungsoo. Because not everyone wishes to stay at a certain place forever. Not everyone wants to live forever.

~ · ~ · ~