I’m dressed and ready to leave by the time Jaehyun texted me to say he was on his way. It didn’t take long for him to reach and I saw him stand below my balcony. I climbed over my balcony railing and slowly lowered myself down, clutching the rope for dear life. My tight jeans made it hard for me to move my legs freely, but I managed. I wasn’t scared, knowing that Jaehyun was there to catch me if ever I fell. 

Slowly but steadily, I lowered myself down and landed firmly on two feet, Jaehyun grabbing my shoulders to steady me. He’s dressed in a gray sweatshirt and jeans, as well as his reading glasses. 

“Hey, princess.”

I booped the tip of his nose with my finger. “You’re wearing your glasses,” I pointed out. His glasses started to slip off from the force of my finger and he scrunched his nose to adjust them.

“Yea, I forgot. I was studying when you texted me to come to get you.”

“It’s cute. I like it when you wear your glasses.” Jaehyun smiled his dimpled smile, and I felt my heart melt. I took his hand and lead him away from my house. We walked in comfortable silence towards Eunwoo’s house. The walk wasn’t lengthy, and I started to hear heavy bass music in the distance. Me and Jaehyun entered Eunwoo’s mansion, overwhelmed by the number of drunk teenagers. The stench of alcohol was strong, and I felt the bass of the music in my chest. I longed for alcohol.

I spotted Eunwoo in the kitchen, pouring drinks and passing them around like a maniac. His face brightened when he saw us. “Hey, guys! Welcome!”

“Hey. Nice party, Eunwoo.” I take the drink he passed me and down it in one go. I smile at the burning sensation it gave me. Ah, I’ve missed alcohol. 

“Drinks and snacks are here. Feel free to help yourself and make yourself at home. The bathroom is to your right. And there’s another one upstairs too. The guest rooms are also available for use.” Eunwoo winked at us, before excusing himself to go clean up some vomit. 

“This is...nice,” Jaehyun commented, taking in the scenery of drunk and teenagers.

“Don’t lie, I know you hate it. Just try to enjoy yourself, yea? Here, drink this.” I pass him a drink, which he downs. 

“So what do you want to do?”

“Drink. And drink. And drink,” I grinned at him. “Oh, and drink some more.”

Jaehyun chuckled, pouring me another drink. “Anything else?”

“Did I mention that I want to drink?” I chugged the drink he just poured for me.

Jaehyun barked out a laugh and fulfilled my wish by passing me yet another drink.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I’m so ing drunk. Like so ing drunk. After like, I don’t even know how many drinks, I’m straight up just vibing at this point. I’m sitting in one of the porch benches, swirling my drink with my finger. Jaehyun is not with me, but he’s somewhere. Oh right, he went to get me some water in the kitchen. I swayed to the music, enjoying the buzzing sensation I was feeling. I sensed a presence approach me and instinctively called out. 

“Jae?”

“No, it’s me, Eunwoo. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” He greeted me with a small smile and moved to sit beside me. I slid to the side to give him space. 

“What’s up Eunwoo?”

“Hmmm, let me see. Oh right, I’m drunk.”

“Mhm, same,” I giggled. I inhaled, the strong smell of alcohol from the both of us burning the back of my throat. 

“Aera...,” Eunwoo mumbled. 

“Yea?”

“I really like you.”

Ah, . Here we go again. I’m too drunk for this .

“Eunwoo...”

He turned to face me, his eyes intense as he slurred. “No, let me finish. I really really really like you. Like so much it’s insane. I think about you all the time. But not in a creepy, stalker kind of way. I promise. It’s just.... I don’t know.” Eunwoo paused. “You make me feel some type of way.” 

I’m taken aback by his words. Slightly amused, but mostly taken aback. I’m about to reply and give him a heartwarming rejection, but he spoke up again. 

“I know you’re about to reject me. Like you’ve done a million times before. But can’t you just give me a chance? I promise I’ll make you happy. I promise I’ll take care of you. I promise I’ll love you like no other. Just give me a chance...please?” He’s practically begging me right now. I blinked at him, my dumb drunk still absorbing his words. I don’t say anything and Eunwoo sighed, looking away. I guess that was it. 

Boy, was I wrong.

“I want to kiss you,” he suddenly admitted, turning to face me again. “Let me kiss you once and after that, if decide you’re not into it, or into me, I’ll stop pursuing you.” I still don’t give him an answer, starely blankly at him. 

“If you don’t say anything, I’ll take your silence as a yes,” Eunwoo warned, inching his face closer to mine. Our faces were inches apart and I could smell the alcohol in his breath. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words were stuck in my throat.

Say something, you idiot!

Eunwoo didn’t hesitate, taking advantage of my haziness and instantly crashing his lips onto mine. My eyes fly shut. His hand s it’s way to the base of my neck and he pulled me closer. I felt his tongue nudge at my lips, and I stupidly parted them, letting him in. He’s rough, gripping my face with both of his hands as he kissed me. Finally, he pulled away, both of us breathing hard. It must have been the alcohol in my blood causing my brain to malfunction, because for some reason I leaned back in, kissing him back. Eunwoo smiled against my lips. 

If only I knew the consequences this would bring. If only I knew. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This isn’t right. It doesn’t feel right. This is wrong!

I finally snapped back to my senses, placing both hands on his chest to push him away. I tore myself away from him and he looked at me with confusion in his eyes. In the background, I heard the faint sound of a glass break. 

“This isn’t right,” I whispered, mostly to myself. Eunwoo was about to reply, but he’s suddenly pulled up from the bench. I looked up to see Jaehyun, gripping Eunwoo’s collar, with his fists clenched. I’m on my feet now, but before I could stop him, Jaehyun crashed his fist against Eunwoo’s face. Eunwoo stumbled backward from the impact and fell onto the ground. Jaehyun wasn’t satisfied, his jaw still clenched tightly. He’s pissed. 

Jaehyun advanced towards Eunwoo who was back on his feet and was about to throw another punch. But I stopped him, moving to stand in front of my best friend, blocking Eunwoo from his vision. 

“Jae...Jae calm down!” I pleaded, turning to Eunwoo. “Get out of here!” I warned him and watched as he reluctantly stalked back into his house. 

Jaehyun is fuming, his fists clenched so tight that they’re white. “Jae...,” I said softly, waiting for him to meet my eyes. He didn’t, pushing me to the side and angrily walking away. I ran after him, stumbling along the way. I’m was so disorientated by the amount of alcohol in my system.

“Jae! Jae, wait up.” He picked up his pace, and I huffed, struggling to keep up. I gave up trying to catch up to him, instead, I stopped and planted my feet in the ground. Utilizing every ounce of energy I had left, I screamed, “Jung Jaehyun!” 

He stopped in his tracks upon hearing me, and I noticed that his body was trembling. I rushed to him and positioned myself in front of him.

“Jaehyun, look me in the eye.” He does so this time, and I saw that his eyes were red under his glasses and his cheeks were stained with tears. I frowned and instinctively reached up to touch his face. He cringed away from my hand.

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I asked, confused as to why he was acting this way. 

He stared at me blankly, his eyes unreadable. But I saw a tinge of sadness when he asked me. “Did you kiss him first?” 

“Wha-.”

“Answer the question!” I flinched at his rise in volume. 

“He kissed me first.”

“Did you kiss him back?” 

“Why does that-.”

“Kim Aera, did you kiss him back?!” He exploded. 

Taken aback by his sudden increase in volume, I blinked rapidly to stop the tears from falling. “Why are you yelling at me?!”

“Answer me!”

“Yes! Yes, I did ok?” I yelled back. My tears were falling freely now. “Why does that even matter?” I said the last part softly. 

Jaehyun scoffed, running a hand through his hair. “You’re unbelievable, Aera,” he muttered.

“What? You’re not making any sense, Jaehyun. What’s wrong with him kissing me or me kissing him? You didn’t have to attack him!” 

“Yes, I did!”

“Why?!” I demanded. 

“Because I’m in love with you!” He shouted at me. 

Woah, I did not see that coming. 

I let out a small laugh in disbelief. “What? You’re drunk. I’m drunk. I’m not hearing things right.”

“No, you heard me right. Look at me, Aera. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for some time now. I want to spend every minute, every second, hell, all my time with you. You’re constantly on my mind, and I always worry about you. You’re my first thought in the morning and you’re my last thought before I go to sleep.

Aera, you make me feel so many things. You infuriate me so much. You frustrate the hell out of me. You make me cry rivers. But you also make me feel like the happiest and luckiest guy alive. Your laugh and smile are contagious and I feel like everything bad in the world goes away when I’m with you. 

I can’t keep hiding it anymore Aera. I’m so in love with you that it consumes me. Do you know how hard it is? Trying to hide the fact that I’m in love with my best friend? I don’t want to lose what we have right now, because God knows it’s the best thing ever. Our friendship means so much to me and I don’t want to risk and ruin it.

But , Aera I’m losing my mind. I can’t hide it, suppress it, or push it away anymore. And it frustrates me to have you so close, yet so far. To have you as mine, but you’re not really truly mine. To hear you say you love me, but not in the way that I want. So I beg you, Aera. Please understand that I’m tired. And that I don’t want to play this game anymore.” Tears were cascading down his face and I stared at him in a shocked stupor. It takes a moment for his words to sink in, and for my brain to register what the hell was going on. I didn’t know what to feel and it frustrated me. My head was spinning from the alcohol and I started to feel slightly lightheaded. But the buzzed feeling of being under the influence is gone, and I was sobering up quickly. 

I took a couple of deep breaths. “What do you want me to say, Jaehyun. What do you want me to do?” I demanded, my voice low. My vision started to blur as fresh tears sprung from my eyes.

He sighed, wiping away his tears. “I don’t know Aera, you tell me. I’m drained. I’m done.” My chest constricts at the fact that he’s now using my real name instead of my pet name. 

“What do you mean you’re done? What are you implying?” I raised my voice.

“I don’t know! I’m just as confused as you are, ok?”

“We’re both drunk!”

“I may be drunk but my mind has never been clearer,” he said, his voice calmer now.

I wipe away my tears with the sleeve of my jacket, staining it with a streak of mascara. 

“I can’t do it.” I blubbered. Taking another deep breath, I pulled myself together, repeating my recent words. “Jae, I can’t do it.”

“What can’t you do?”

I stared at my feet. “I can’t love you the way you want me to.”

Silence. 

“Don’t worry,” he whispered. I looked up and stared into his eyes, seeing that the tears ceased flowing. “Kim Aera. You don’t have to love me anymore. In whatever way. I’m done with you. It’s going to hurt to hate you, but loving you like this hurts so much more.” And then he walked away, pushing past me and trudging down the sidewalk. 

I tried to run after him, giving it my all and draining up all the energy I had. I called out to him as I ran. 

“Are you serious? You’re walking away from me? Jung Jaehyun come back here! We’re best friends for Christ’s sake! Don’t leave me!” I finally caught up to him, yanking his arm forcefully and forced him to look me in the eye. What scared me was that he had not even a hint of remorse in his eyes. 

I gulped, clearing my voice. “You’re not thinking clearly, you’re drunk. You’re-“

“I told you, my mind has never been clearer. I meant what I said. Now let go of me.”

I tightened my grip on his wrist. “I’m not just going to let you leave me!”

“Then stop taking me for granted!”

“I do not take you for granted! Jung Jaehyun I appreciate you so much. I love you so much. We grew up together, and we’ve been through so much together. I know, I know I’ve been so busy these days with training, and I’ve probably been disregarding your feelings. I understand you might feel like I’m taking you for granted. But Jae, I appreciate you so much. And I’m so grateful for you. However, right now you’re being unreasonable. You’re mad at me for something I can not control. I would go through hell and back for you, Jaehyun. Anything you need or want that I can give you, I will give it to you.” I paused. “But I can’t fall in love with you just because you want me to.”

I continued, releasing my grip on his wrist and moving to cup his face with my hands. “So please Jae, don’t leave me. You’re the one who taught me not to run away from my problems. So I beg you, you can scream at me all you want and hurt me with your words all you want. But please, don’t leave me. Don’t walk away from me. From us.”

“There is no ‘us’. This is not the ‘us’ I want.” He scoffed, pushing my hands away from my face. 

I hardened my gaze at him, my voice firm. “Whatever ‘us’ we are, we still have to get over this. We will get over this together. We have to. I’m not going to let you give up on me like this.”

Jaehyun is silent. He couldn’t argue with my drunken logic. I watched him warily, afraid of how he would react. Finally, he shuffled his feet, slowly shaking his head. 

“I need space,” he uttered, before turning to walk away. This time, I let him. I gave up. I really shouldn’t have. But I no longer had the energy to fight for him. My heart constricted as I watched his silhouette disappear into the night. 

People call it a broken heart, but why did it hurt everywhere?

The members of NCT are growing on me. It’s been two weeks since we met at SM. In the past two weeks, EVO-X and NCT have spent almost all our time together. Min-hyun and Kaituo moved to stay in NCT 127’s dorm just for the duration of our collaboration. Obviously I couldn’t do that, since I was the only female and I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of me living there. But I’m over there a lot, trying to forge a bond with the boys and cleaning up Kaituo’s very messy room. Min-hyun and Taeyong sporadically surprise us with random team bonding activities, to which we are forced to participate in. We all don’t complain since they’re actually fun and it’s good quality bonding time. But