After getting a grip and pushing myself out of Jaehyun’s arms, I ran to my room and shut myself in. Now, I lay curled up bundled in blankets on my bed, humming to myself to calm my nerves. The melody comes out strained and I blink back tears, patting myself on the shoulders in hopes of comfort. There’s continuous knocks on my  bedroom door and I try my best to tune them out. 

“Aera, let me in please.” Jaehyun’s voice floats through the wood. “Princess...please.”

There’s a thud and different voice calls my name. “Ella, please open the door and talk to us,” Taeyong says and I clamp my eyes shut, humming louder to drown their voices.

My whole body feels like it’s been through a blender. My muscles physically hurt from all the crying and my mind is...ed up to say the least. It feels like I’ve been struck by lighting too many times to count. The pain feels like hell on earth, and a part of me just wants it to stop, even if death is the answer.

Another thud sounds and I assume they’re shoving against each other. Now there’s the added sound of metal jingling and I retreat further under the covers, inhaling deeply. The door swings open and slow footsteps approach me, but no one dares to touch me. 

“Ella...,” someone says.

“Move, hyung- Aera. Aera talk to me,” I hear Jaehyun’s voice and I shift under the covers, muffling sobs that spontaneously erupted. 

“Aera...please. I’m- Tell me what to do,” he begs and I throw the covers off of myself.

“You know what to do! You have to tell me everything. Jaehyun, who is A-yeong?” I demand, ignoring the other people present, my voice breaking when I say her name. 

Her. Another wave of unexplained sorrow and pain build up in my chest and I hide back under the covers, Jaehyun too stunned to reply. I don’t need to waste my time on him. I need answers. I need them now. 

I hear him take in a sharp inhale before ordering everyone out the room. “Out, now. All of you, please.”

“But she’s-,”

“No, Jaehyun-“

“Now! Please just leave!” His voice raises an octave and I hear another intake of breath. “Out.” No one protests and there’s the sound of footsteps and a door slamming shut. 

The covers over my head are slowly stripped away and I let him pull them off, revealing my tear stained face. He’s sitting on the edge of my bed and I look anywhere but his face, focusing on my fingers and my breathing. My mind falls blank and all I can do is repeat that woman’s name in my mind. 

A-yeong.

“A-yeong,” Jaehyun finally says, and I hold my breath. “She was a ray of sunshine. A bubble of energy and love. She was selfless, often giving more than she could afford to. Always putting others before herself. She was strong. She really was. She was truly beautiful, inside and out.

“Why are you talking about her in past tense?” I point out, and he shakes his head slowly. It’s easy to connect the dots, for there are not much possibilities. “Is she my sister that old lady was talking about? Where is she now?” 

“Aera....” 

“Don’t.” I warn him, sitting up. “I know that tone. Don’t ‘Aera...’ me. Stop shutting me in a mental darkness and just tell me everything.” 

“Aera, you just don’t understand-“

“How can I understand something I don’t know?!” I burst at him and he grits his teeth. 

“It’s better that you don’t know! Aera I’m scared for you! You’re fragile and vulnerable and when things get rough in life you have a tendency to give up. You push and you push people away and I’m trying- I’m trying so hard right now to make you understand that I really can’t tell you. If you know you will be in pain...you will hurt! And I can’t stand to see you hurting!”

“I can handle it,” I seethe. 

“No you can’t- not after what happened last time-,” he cuts himself off and I clench my jaw. 

“If you’re not going to tell me anything, then leave. I’m mentally and emotionally drained, Jaehyun. Just leave.” He watches me with worry stricken eyes and I can’t help but sigh. “If you can’t stand seeing me hurt, just leave. Because I’m hurting right now.” 

“More the reason why I shouldn’t leave. I don’t want you to hurt.” 

“Then leave,” I choke out and he exhales. With no further protest he leaves and I rush to lock the door, sliding my back against the wood onto the floor. I hug my legs and bury my face in my knees, compartmentalizing.

I shouldn’t cry. I cry too much. What I need is answers and that I’ll get. I got distracted by him, and what I started to feel for him. But that’s not what’s relevant. I don’t need his love, but I need answers. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I watch the clock hesitantly, each tick and increase in digit making me more and more determined. I wait till the clock strikes 3am and then I’m on my feet. Everyone should be asleep now so I quickly grab my packed backpack and creak the door open. I slide out with ease, pausing to see a sleeping Jaehyun on the floor. All the members have their bedroom doors open as they sleep inside, and I know it’s to keep an eye on me. Being the decent person I am, I retreat back into my room to grab a pillow and place it by Jaehyun. I pass the rooms slowly, tiptoeing and making my way to the front door. 

I’m going to go back to Seoul and I’m going to figure everything out once and for all. I can do it. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. 

I adjust my backpack around my shoulder and walk through the front door, about to close it when a foot jams through the opening. I jump back and the door opens, Johnny stepping through the door and running his eyes over me.

“Where are you going?” His voice is groggy and his hair disheveled. He’s in a regular black shirt and some jeans and I shuffle backwards.

“On a walk,” I lie.

“You’re going on a walk with a packed backpack?”

I nod dumbly and he shakes his head, ushering me to sit down on the porch. I refuse and he sighs, pushing me down onto the chair. 

“Don’t get up, don’t stand up. Please- don’t put your hand up. And don’t make me tell you again,” he finishes and tells me to wait. I grumble and he disappears into the house, coming back out with a jacket and car keys. I see a wallet jammed into his back pocket and he walks over to jiggle the keys in front of my face. 

“Where to?”

“What- You’re not coming with me,” I tell him, but he doesn’t falter. “How’d you even know I’m leaving? I was very quiet,” I mumble.

“I’m a light sleeper- Look, I’m not going to ask questions. Just let me help you. I know a broken person when I see one.”

I think it through in my mind and get on my feet. “Do I even have a choice?”

“No.” He deadpans. “It’s either I go with you or I wake everyone up right now.”

“Fine,” I grumble and we walk to where the cars are parked. “We came on buses,” I point out and he smirks.

“This is my manager’s car. We’re stealing it.” He winks at me and unlocks the car. Once we’re in the car I tell him that I want to go back to Seoul and he starts the car, driving down the barren streets. 

I lean against the window and close my eyes, Johnny starting to hum a familiar song. 

The corners of my lips start to lift and I sit up. “A whole new world? Really?”

“It’s my favorite song,” he explains and I sit back. 

“It’s also one of my favorites. When I woke up, everything felt like a whole new world. It literally was to me,” I say and am aware what I just said makes no sense to him. Yet, he doesn’t ask any questions, his eyes focusing on the road. 

We fall into silence for a beat before he cuts the silence. “How are you feeling?”

I shrug. “Bad.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

I nod in agreement. Something about his presence is comforting and I let what ever comes to my mind and mouth run free. “I’m just tired,” I confess.

“Of course you are. Being an idol is one of the hardest jobs ever.”

“It’s not that- I mean I love my job. I really do. I love my life in the spotlight. But one is usually under a spotlight alone, and everyone else left in the dark. It’s ironic because right now I’m the one in the dark,” I murmur. 

I watch Johnny’s grip tighten around the steering wheel and he brings the car to a slow stop. “Why are we going back to Seoul?”

“I thought you weren’t going to ask questions.”

“I should know at least this.”

I sigh. “We’re going back to Seoul because I have to find something.”

“What are you looking for?”

“Me.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I didn’t notice drifting off the sleep, but I awake when the car slows to a stop. Looking out the window, I see the sun has risen and the surroundings are familiar. The streets of Seoul city are bustling, the morning sun lighting up the area. I see it’s a little past 7am and I look over to Johnny who looks exhausted. 

We’ve stopped at a gas station and Johnny hops off the car before he notices I’m awake. He comes back with two pla