We sat across each other on the bed, the only sound in the room the crinkle of the plastic containers we were eating out of. I was hungover, but his presence put me on the edge, making me sit stiffly. We ate in silence, what was once comfortable silence now something foreign that I did not like. I kept my eyes on my food and he did the same, but I caught him glancing up at me every now and then. I did the same, not knowing what to feel when I gave in, standing up to throw out my unfinished food. 

“I’m leaving. Unless you give me a reason to stay. I shouldn’t even be here at your dorm. What would the media think?” He sat up straighter and we locked eyes.

“I’ve missed you. Isn’t that enough?”

“You don’t have the right to miss me when you were the one who left,” I snapped at him. 

“And you let me leave,” he fired back and I inhaled deeply, moving to grab my bag and leave, but he stopped me, standing up to engulf me in a hug. I froze in the spot, focusing on the sound of our breathing and the drum of his heart. Just for a second. In his arms. Everything felt ok. 

“I’m sorry.” He breathed and I clenched my fists, tears already threatening to spill. I knew I was still emotional from the residual alcohol in my bloodstream. 

“What for?” I questioned and he shook his head, tightening his arms around me. 

“I’m just sorry.” 

“I want to go home.” I managed to say and his arms fell to his side. He pulled away and I found myself longing for him again, but I kept my mouth shut. He didn’t say anything, only nodding and sitting back onto his bed. 

“Goodbye,” was all he said and I gawked at him. He really was just going to let me go like this? I expected him to protest, or say again that he didn't want me to leave. But instead he just draped an arm over his eyes and I watched his breathing slow. In a sudden anger, I stomped out of the room, closing the door behind me a little too hard. I guess he had given up on me. And I was starting to feel like I should give up on him too.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been three days since. I called Somi right after what happened, crying my eyes out on the cab home. Somi collected me and tried to put back the pieces of my broken heart. But my heart was broken beyond repair so she resorted to other methods. She brought me shopping and boy did we shop till we dropped. If I didn't have an ounce of self control, I would have maxed out my dad’s credit card. Somi distracted me with stories of her own past heartbreaks and we bonded over our past banters. 

She had just dropped me off at home with a kiss on my cheek and a reminder that I was strong. That I was going to get over this. And that he doesn’t deserve me. But I knew in my mind that it actually was the other way around. It was actually I, who doesn’t deserve him. I showered and retreated to my bedroom, my place of solace. I fiddled with a phone and I knew A-yeong would be home today. It’s Friday night and she always comes home on the weekends. It started to rain outside, an omen of bad luck, and I cuddled myself under the blankets, doing something I knew was wrong. 

I read about him, scrolling through countless of his articles and watching every video. He was doing good, the public already falling head over heels for him. The sound of the rhythmical beat of the rain made my eyes heavy, sleep numbing my thoughts. I drifted off to sleep because I didn't know how long until I was awakened by a phone call. His name flashed on my phone screen and I jolted awake to answer it. 

An unfamiliar voice answered. “Hello, Kim Aera?” I told the person it was me and he continued. “My name is Hansol, also a SM Rookie. A friend of Jaehyun’s. I’m sorry to bother you so late but I’m really worried about him. Jaehyun’s sick, with a fever and isn’t eating anything. He kept mumbling your name in his sleep so I was wondering if you could-,” I interrupted him, already on my feet.

“I’m on my way,” I told him, changing into proper clothing and rushing out the door into the rain. The cab ride was brief due to the rain, the roads mostly cleared out and I scampered into the SM dorms, my feet trailing water inside the hallways. I recalled the way in my mind and took the elevator, rushing to pause in front of his dorm room door. A male whose voice I recognized as the one on the phone called my name and I turned to greet him. 

“That was quick,” he commented, and I smiled politely, thanking him for alerting me. “No problem. We’re all worried about him. He hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday. He’s been out of it since three days ago but he just got a fever last night.” I nodded at the new information and Hansol told me he’ll be just in the room across. I thanked him again and creaked the door open slowly, my eyes having to adjust to the darkness. 

I maneuvered my way through the darkness and managed to switch on his bedside lamp. Jaehyun laid under a mountain of blankets, his face damp with perspiration and his already pale skin even paler than usual. His eyes flickered open at the light. He caught sight of me and groaned, before speaking.

“Why...how... Hansol!” He concluded softly and I shushed him, placing a hand on his forehead to feel his temperature. He felt like an open fire. 

“Why aren’t you taking care of yourself?” I scolded him softly, seeing a tray of uneaten food on the bedside table. I uncapped the food, stirring the porridge with the provided spoon. 

“I can ask you the same question…” he coughed and I sighed, telling him to sit up. He stubbornly shook his head and said he wasn’t hungry. But I knew better, demanding him to sit up and get some food in his system. 

“C’mon. Sit up. You have to eat.” I gently pulled him up, adjusting the pillows around him. I brought the spoon to his mouth and he protested again, claiming that he was full. I shoved the spoon into his mouth without warning and he had no choice but to swallow the food. I fed him more, content that he was eating. His temperature already started to die down and having eaten some food, the color returned to his cheeks. 

“You already look so much better now that you’ve eaten. You idiot. You know your health is the most important thing. How can you get sick?” 

“Not my fault..” he mumbled and I wiped his mouth with a napkin. Jaehyun gulped, a small smile forming on his face. “You’ve never done this before,” he said. 

“What?” I asked.

“Fed me. Or taken care of me when I was sick. It was always me taking care of you.” Jaehyun replied and I felt a pang of guilt build up in my stomach. 

“Oh...” my voice trailed off. “Well I’m here now. And I’m not leaving this time. You’re sick.”

Jaehyun meekly nodded and I watched the wheels turn in his brain. I placed the bowl on his bedside table and poured him a glass of water to which he also declined, but I forced him to chug it down. Wiping the spilled water from his lips, he shuffled back under the covers to lay down, and I instinctively reached out to his hair. 

His eyes flickered shut, and I flipped the switch of the lamp to kill the light. I sat on the edge of his bed in the darkness, gliding my hand up and down on his sweat filled hair. 

“That night…” he started to say and I shushed him, telling him not to talk and to rest. But he ignored me and continued. “Three days ago...you told me you loved me.” 

I couldn't recall anything from that night so I just nodded. Sounds like me to tell him I love him. It’s not like I kiss-

“And you kissed me,” Jaehyun whispered.

I jerked my hand back from his hair and he opened his eyes to see my reaction. I composed myself by looking away and he let out a small laugh. 

“You were drunk,” he reminded me and I nodded in agreement. 

“Shut up and sleep,” I whispered back, but he shook his head, reaching out for my hand. I slid my hand into his, Jaehyun intertwining our fingers together. 

“Do you...love me?” 

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do.”

“Are you...in love with me?” Jaehyun clarified and I inhaled deeply. I didn’t answer and surprisingly he smiled. “It’s okay. I’m over you now,” he said so softly, but his words cut like glass. I felt like I was impaled in my chest. 

“We can be friends again. Y’know as long as we’re out of the media.” he reminded me and I tuned him out, his voice growing softer by the minute and his eyes fell from mine to close shut. The moment his eyes closed, silent tears fell from my eyes.

“The universe has a funny way of doing things,” I whispered to him, who nodded softly. “It took you away from me to make me realize that I love you. To make me realize that I’m in love with you,” I choked out. His hand tightening around mine, squeezing softly. But he didn’t respond, his eyes still clamped shut and I knew it was because he was exhausted. 

“I can’t thank you enough for sticking with me all my life. For choosing me. For caring about me. And for loving me,” I paused. “This is my karma for not believing in us when I should have.”

“We can always be friends,” he murmured and I slipped my hand out of his. 

“How can we just be friends when it hurts everytime I see you?” I repeated the familiar words he once uttered to me. “It’s my turn. I need space,” I told him.

I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead, Jaehyun mumbling for me not to leave. 

“Stay. Please,” he begged. His weak hand wrapping around my wrist. I wiped the hot tears from my cheeks and gave in, climbing in to settle beside him. He wrapped his arms around me and crushed me to his chest, and that’s when I lost it. I cried and cried, letting it all out. 

I settled down after a few minutes, finally admitting. 

“I don’t want to love you anymore.”

“It hurts doesn’t it?” He sighed and I nodded against his chest, realizing that this was what he must have felt when I broke his heart. He my hair and hugged me tighter. 

“It’s okay,” he assured me. “We don’t have to love each other anymore.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wake up to the sound of my own stomach growling. The memories of last night come crashing back and I jolt up, only to find that I’m in bed alone. The bed still has his imprint of where he slept and I smooth it away. It’s a little past 9 in the morning and I d