Chapter 8
No One But YouJessica took off her chain, put her wedding band through it, and she put on the chain again. As she lied on her side on the bed, she looked at the scar on her left wrist. She felt the pains of his betrayal again and tears escaped despite her efforts to stop them.
Her thoughts drifted to Louis’ words and pained looks, they pricked at her already painful heart. Angry as she may be with him, she could feel he was suffering too. She always knew him as a proud man and it took a lot from him to admit that he was weak, that he was scared and lonely. And, she was the cause of his fear and loneliness. And, it was this fear and loneliness that caused him to commit the gravest mistake of his life. “Louis.” she whispered and grabbed onto her wedding band on her chain.
She then pondered at Raymond’s words. She knew that her anger for Louis was softening each day and she could eventually forgive him one day. What she could not let go was her pains and her fears. She was afraid to commit to him again. She was afraid to put her happiness in his hands again. She did not know if he would stray again. “Once is enough.” she told herself.
She flipped and turned in her bed for another night, with her restless heart aching for him.
Jessica felt faint the following morning and she threw up.
“Are you feeling all right, Jessica?” Bobby asked her concernedly.
“Not really. I’ll see a doctor before going to work.” She answered him faintly.
“It’s a Saturday. Why are you going to work?” Bobby questioned her.
“I had taken leave earlier and the deadline is still to be met. So, I need to do a little catch-up.” She explained.
“Do you want me to accompany you?” Bobby asked with concern.
“It’s okay. I’ll come home to rest if I’m really not up to it. Don’t worry about me.” She reassured him with a weak smile.
Jessica returned to her office after seeing the doctor. No one else was around because it was a non-working Saturday.
She stared at the baby products in front of her. She looked at the booties, mittens and baby clothes. She placed her hands on her tummy. This was the baby who she and Louis were waiting for. She did not want to return to him because of the baby. But, she also did not want the baby to grow up without a father. What she knew for sure was that she was keeping the baby. There was no doubt about that.
Gallen had also returned to the office. He heard her mentioned that she was coming back and he wanted to see if he could help her with some of the work. He knocked at her door, but she didn’t respond. He walked into her office and sat across her. “Hey. What are you thinking?” he asked her.
“I’m pregnant.” she said as a matter-of-fact to him.
“Have you told him?” he asked her.
“No, I have not. I don’t want us to get back because of the baby. It is not right.”
“So, what do you want?”
“I don’t know. I want the baby. I don’t want the baby to be fatherless. But I don’t want to get back with him because of the baby.” she said out her confusion.
Gallen walked over to her side and said tenderly to her, “I can be the father of your baby.”
She looked at Gallen in surprise. He leaned in to kiss her forehead. She was stunned. He bent lower to kiss her lips. She pushed back her chair to avoid his kiss.
“No, Gallen! I can’t be doing this! Then, what is the difference between him and me?” she said hurriedly and forcefully to him.
“I’m sorry, Jessica.” he quickly apologised to her. He was also surprised by his own behaviour.
“The father of my baby is Louis. There will be no one but him. I still love him. I want to trust him again.” She finally confronted and confessed her feelings for Louis after weeks of suppression. Tears started to fall out from her eyes. Gallen moved forward to hug her and her back gently. “It’s okay. Cry it out. Don’t hold back anymore” he said gently to her.
Raymond had informed Louis that Jessica was not feeling well and she had returned to the office to work. Louis found the main door of her office unlocked and he made his way to her office.
Louis saw Jessica in her office with Gallen. He never liked or trusted that Gallen guy. That fellow had been too nice and attentive to her. But, he had always trusted Jessica. However, the scene before him had shaken his confidence. His wife was crying in the arms of another man. When he saw how Gallen her back, he was furious.
“Let go of her!” he demanded.
Jessica and Gallen turned to the source of the loud voice and saw a furious Louis standing at the door. Before they could say anything, Louis was charging towards Gallen with a clenched fist. Jessica quickly stood up to stop him but she tripped. Jessica’s stomach hit against the handle of a chair and she squatted down in pain.
“Lou…” she called out to him softly in pain.
Louis heard her and immediately turned to her. He saw perspiration forming at her forehead and she was squeezing her eyes closed in pain. Her face was turning pale like a sheet of white paper. He immediately scooped her up and rushed her out of the building into his convertible.
“Lou…is. Our… baby.” she said softly to him before she passed out in the car. His heart jumped at the words "our baby".
“Jessica! Don’t close your eyes! Don’t give up on us!” he glanced and said anxiously to her, while trying to drive to the hospital. Even though he had professional racing skills, the fellow cars on the road were not giving way to him. He could only honk at them in frustration. All that mattered to him now was Jessica.
Louis, Gallen, Bobby and Raymond waited anxiously outside the emergency room of the hospital.
Louis recalled that there was a saying, “A child will pay for his father’s sins.”
He hoped that the saying wasn’t true. “Let me pay for my own sins. Please don’t harm my child.”
However, his greatest hope was for Jessica to be all right. “I’m willing to give up my life if Jessica can be safe.” he prayed for the first time in his whole life.
The doctor eventually came out from the emergency room and said to them, “We can’t save the baby. The mother will be sent to the ward shortly. You can see her there.”
As they gathered outside her ward, Bobby stopped Louis from seeing Jessica. “She finds out she has a baby and lose it on the same day. Can you imagine what is like for her? Perhaps you should come another day, please let her cool down.” Bobby said to Louis in a controlled voice, stopping himself from beating the latter up.
Louis could not argue back. He was grieving for his lost child and blaming himself for the loss. “I killed our baby!” his mind kept replaying these words.
Raymond stood in between Bobby and Louis, and said, “No fighting here. Give her some peace.”
“Don’t nag at her, Brother. I think you should get going, Gallen. She will be fine.” Raymond started to give instructions to the others. “Let’s talk outside, Louis.” He put his arm around Louis’ shoulders and led him away.
Unknown to everyone, she wanted Louis with her right now. It was their baby whom she had lost and there was no one who could share this loss as deeply with her beside the father. She was physically too weak and emotionally too tired to speak up for what she wanted.
She wept silently for her lost child. They would never know if the baby was a little Louis or Jessica.
“You have a big race coming up. Do you think you are up to it?” Raymond asked Louis, who seemed to be in a daze.
Louis knew what Raymond meant. His life would be at stake if he could not concentrate. He forced his own thoughts away. “I’m professional racer. I’m able to do it.” Louis replied Raymond firmly.
“It’s good to see that you have the fighting spirit. You must stay strong for her.” Raymond added.
Louis knew that Raymond was right. He had to be there for Jessica. If he did not win her back, there was no way for him to make amends to her and atone for all the mistakes that he had made.
*One week later*
“He is having a big race tomorrow. You wouldn’t want to live in regrets if anything happens to him tomorrow, Jessica.” Bobby said to her as he passed her the flowers that Louis had sent her.
Louis had sent her flowers and an “I’m sorry” note every day since the day they lost their baby. He had not found the courage to face her. He thought that she did not want to see him and he did not want to agitate her. He was determined to finish his last race, after which he would do whatever it took to win her back.
Jessica knew what Bobby meant. He needed his concentration no matter whether it was a big race or not. He needed it for all his races. No matter how angry or disappointed she was with him, she did not want him to have any mishap. She took out her mobile phone from her bag. She stared at the little communication gadget. She eventually punched his number and pressed the call button.
“It’s me. Don’t say anything or I’ll hang up immediately.” she said the moment he picked up her call.
“Just concentrate on the race tomorrow. We will settle whatever we need to settle after that.” she continued hastily before he could give any reaction.
“Good luck and be safe, dear.” she added the last statement before she could stop herself. That’s what she always said to him before every race that he had.
She quickly hung up the phone and hugged it close to her.
He heard her clearly. She obviously still cared about him and she called him “dear”. “There may be a chance, a little chance.” he thought to himself. Even though he knew she had already hung up, he muttered the same promise that he always made to her on the other end of the phone, “Don’t worry, Jessica. I’ll back for you.”
He got ready in his racing gear. He slipped on his anti-flash gear (i.e. the face mask), put on his helmet and tightened his gloves. He settled himself in his race car and fastened his safety belt. “FOCUS, LOUIS!” he said loudly to himself as he always did.
He was racing smoothly along the track, overtaking his competitors one after another. As he approached the notorious curve of the circuit, Bobby’s words suddenly hit him. “She has a baby and lost it on the same day.” He lost his concentration for a fraction of a second and his car crashed straight into the concrete wall of the curve.
The medics and rescue team rushed over to him. Blood was dripping from his nostrils and ears. The impact of the crash was too great. When they finally managed to pull him out of the car and removed his helmet and anti-flash gear, he uttered to them with great difficulty “Tell Jessica, I’m sorry.” He threw up blood, but he struggled to finish “I ...”
He could not finish his last sentence. He wanted to say “I love no one but her.”
Jessica’s heart felt a moment of unexplainable sourness and sorrow. As she reached for his bouquet for the day, her bracelet broke and slipped from her wrist, landing softly on the carpeted floor.
"It's painful when it's too late to love. Some feelings cannot wait for a certain day to be expressed." - lyrics from Leo Ku's song "Too Late to Love"
(04.07.2007)
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