v. sunlight // hozier

keni takes a deep breath in, listening to the sound of the air around her. 

“and when you breathe out, breathe out everything in you, you’re releasing all the energy. everything you’ve been meaning to release, let that out. let yourself be free.”

that was umi, from the meditation video shuxin forced them to listen to and honestly? it was kinda working.

“paint an image in your mind of what makes you happy. An object, a person, or just an abstract represe—"

keni’s eyes flicker open to see the three other girls looking at her. it’s how she knows there was probably something on her face—right, a tear.

“the sun’s going to rise in a bit!” shuxin smiles and points at nothing as keni lightly brushes her thumb on her cheek and smiles back. she really smiles back, then smiles at zihan and xueer too as they all face the edge of the cliff. it’s easy to see how much shuxin tries to make her laugh, how softly zihan calls her jiejie, and how xueer steals glances every now and then, as if she was scared something was gonna break.

keni smiles a genuine smile at them because she appreciates all of it, and the meditation really did help. but keni’s also strong.

beyond all the teasing for being a crybaby and being as playful as a gradeschooler, zeng keni is stronger than what most people think. maybe it's all the years she's been on this earth, or maybe it's every rejection she's had to accept, every ruse in her five year career.

it’s something yu yan understands. it’s the reason why it’s so easy for the redhead to point it out when she’s done something wrong, the reason why sometimes all she has to do is sit beside her with a water bottle when she cries. so keni doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for herself to stop sweeping this under the rug.

“let’s go back and eat!!” after all the selfies and sunrise photos, xueer all but runs to the car, earning a giggling zihan and shuxin teasing her for missing her girlfriend.

when they get back the girls squeal at how much food there is on the table. keni smiles when she sees a particularly big serving of her favourite noodles and knows exactly why it’s there.

“this is crazy, when did they even prepare all this?” it’s an all too familiar taste, one that she will never get enough of. but keni doesn’t look for her, or talks to her when she sits right across the table.

“keni, you’re evil for eating that much and gaining nothing” she chuckles and simply sticks her tounge out at xiaotang.

her eyes meet yu yan’s gaze and keni’s lips curve up, grateful and knowing. “im going to stay behind when you guys go horseback riding by the way.”

jiaqi’s eyebrows perk up and with half a mouth full she asks, “why?”

“lingzihan need a ride.” the other girls say their ahhs and xueer remembers her conversation with zihan a week ago.

“right, they’re meeting linfan and xinyi.”

“flakers!” keyin gets a light slap on the shoulder when she interjects and shuxin reminds her she wouldn’t be here if zihan didn’t wake her up four days ago. in between loud laughter and what seems to be xiaotang wanting to start a food fight again, keni looks at yu yan in the eyes one last time that morning.

lingzi's halfway through packing when keni lands on her bed with a sigh. 

"did you talk?"

"no." lingzi gives her a pointed look at that. "i just got her keys. maybe later."

"are you waiting for her, or is she waiting for you?" lingzi asks even though they both knew the answer to that.

we're waiting for each other. we always have been.

it's the only reason why they've gone this long, keni thinks. "should i approach her first?"

"maybe she thinks you're mad or something."

"i'm sure she knows i'm not mad." keni responds too quickly, her tone just staggering a little between conviction and disbelief. "i just—i don't know why i reacted like that."

"four years of repression would do that." lingzi laughs lightly but her face turns serious in half a second. "you were hurt." 

"because it was true. everything she said was true." keni’s eyes shut close when she says it, like she’s going back somewhere. "i'm scared."

"isn't she?"

When I feel what I feel, Sometimes it's hard to tell you so

You may not be in the mood to learn, What you think you know

driving in a mountain province with the windows open and the Spirited Away ost playing in the background was probably something keni should be doing more often in her life. the afternoon breeze was just the right kind of cold and she finds herself smiling at how clear her mind was right now after dropping off lingzi and zihan in town. absolutely no thoughts until—

"keni!" maybe she should have heard the galloping when it was farther away but there's a black horse running very closely to the car which she would be worried about if it wasn't its owner riding said horse. 

"yu yan?! what the ?" when keni looks at the side mirror again she almost laughs at the brown horse closely following the other girl, horse tamer shouting probably angry things. 

she makes sure the road is clear to stop at the side and sighs in relief when yu yan manages to make the horse stop as well, stepping down to bow at the man who chased her and haphazardly apologize. when he leaves and yu yan sits in the passenger seat of her own car with her head down, keni finally laughs. loudly. 

"oh my god, are you out of your mind?" keni stops laughing but yu yan's cheeks are still red and keni chuckles lightly again. "you're insane, doing this cheesy romantic thing with the horse. i'm surprised it's not white."

yu yan gets even more flustered before she mumbles a reply. "it’s jiaqi, she said something about you going with them.”

“and you thought i was gonna go like that?” keni says it with a ghost of a smile still on her face, but yu yan almost hears the words that echo through.

did you think i was going to run away from this? from you?

“no. that’s why i went here instead.” keni doesn’t say anything in return, choosing to start driving back to their airbnb instead. “i didn’t wanna just stand there and wait.”

there’s a smirk that forms on her face that yu yan knows too well. “except you were sitting, on a horse. that you abducted to go here.” 

“god you drive me crazy.” there’s something in the way she groans it out that makes keni’s smile fade, air suddenly growing thicker. “you drive me crazy. you do stupid , you’re clingy, and you cry every other day.”

when yu yan repeats herself keni looks ahead, speeding up just a little. there’s a glint in the redhead’s eyes that says this monologue isn’t going to be like the other night.

“but you also keep me sane. you’re the only one who can see every side of me.” keni feels yu yan look at her from the corner of her eye. “…and you’re my muse.”

it’s an overdue confession, one that keni already knows. one that she’s been dying to hear since sophomore year and yet, one that she can’t even bring herself to respond to.

i thought i was ready for this

so keni drives instead. she drives like she’s on a freeway, focused and careful, like there are a hundred speeding cars on what’s actually an empty road. maybe if she drove fast enough she won’t feel yu yan look at her then look away too many times, won’t know that she’s probably doing that thing with her bottom lip. maybe she won’t have to tell yu yan she drives her crazy too.

“i’m sorry.” keni breathes out the moment her room’s door closes. “i just don’t want to be one of those couples who break up a few months after college when they realize they can’t handle it. i don’t know how long it’ll work, i don’t know if it’ll work out between us. and i don’t want to lose you because of that.”

i don’t want to lose you ever.

keni looks at the other girl and wonders if this is what she looked like two nights ago, with welled up eyes and furried eyebrows, a determined look to not let a single tear fall. “i’m scared too, of all of it. but my greatest fear is regretting not taking a chance. keni, please.”

in between her voice breaking as she mutters the last word and the tears finally falling, keni takes two steps forward and cups her right cheek with her hand. “i’m sorry.”

she says it again as she wipes a tear before it reaches yu yan’s jaw. “i’m sorry if i break your heart.”

“i don’t know if we can make it work, but i know we have to try.” keni leans down a little to rest her forehead on yu yan’s, smiling a little before she says. “i won’t give up either, yu yan.”

when their lips meet, it’s not their first kiss nor is it a thing of fireworks or sparks. it’s slow, and breathy, and keni mildly tastes like the spicy strips she left in the car. but it’s gentle, and like a butterfly softly landing on a flower before it pollinates, it’s beautiful. it’s the one that matters.

keni smiles into it and leans back, getting ready to tease yu yan for crying when the redhead turns her face to show her left side profile. “kiss me once cause you know i had a long night?”

the taller girl raises an eyebrow but still places a soft kiss on her cheek. “kiss me twice cause it’s gonna be alright.”

keni’s eyes widen a bit but she rolls her eyes and smiles anyway, lips landing on yu yan’s other cheek.

“three times cause i’ve waited my whole life.” keni says it this time with a grin, a trapezoid smile greeting her back before they kiss again. it’s hungrier this time, one that builds up to a crescendo, one that says let’s make up for our lost time.

But at your best you are love, you're a positive motivating force within my life

If you ever feel the need to wonder why, Let me know, let me know

after an hour of making out and making snacks and another hour of driving, yu yan and keni sit by the cliff the taller girl meditated at this morning.

“so what would you name them?” yu yan asks as keni leans a little to rest her head on her shoulder.

“who?”

“our two cats and the pitbull.” the question catches the other girl off guard, keni becoming a flustered mess before a lightbulb appears over her head.

“mantou…and baozi!”

yu yan chuckles with an eyeroll. “ah of course it’s about food.”

“shut up i know you’ll name the pitbull something dumb too, like evil.”

“good idea!” yu yan thinks her cheeks might start to hurt from smiling but the way keni gasps excitedly when the sun starts setting lets her know it’ll be fine. they’ll be fine.

“zeng keni?” when she turns around and smiles, yu yan wonders why she’s waited all this time to say it. “i love you.”

it starts off as a whisper but yu yan says it louder until it echoes through the mountains and keni covers while giggling, only to scream it back into the void, at the top of her lungs. when she calls yu yan cheesy for the fourth time that afternoon, they’re holding hands in her car and she thinks, it’s a perfect cheesy ending for them. and a perfect beginning.

(A/N): 

thanks to everyone who read until the end! sorry the last chapter took so long lmao my Word wasn't working properly and i honestly didn't know what i wanted to have in certain parts of it. anyway i hope you guys liked it and if you wanna share your thoughts please leave a comment <3

lyrics in the middle of the chapter are from at your best you are love (listen to the frank ocean cover) and yu yan quotes Paper Rings by Taylor Swift towards the end. we will never let her Blank Space caption go :D