iv. hard feelings // lorde

yu yan wakes up with a splitting headache and a feeling of regret without knowing why. there’s nobody in the room but she finds a bowl of the corn and carrot soup keni brought “just in case, yu yan” and then it hits her.

keni.

she remembers seeing her face, her eyes.

keni’s eyes keni’s eyes keni’s eyes

there are flashes of the night before in her head, but only just that, flashes. of her laugh, of her voice, of her eyes b with tears and pain and disappointment. she’s never seen keni that broken before.

and yu yan knew it was because of her.

“good morning loyal soldier yu yan!” she sits up to see a grinning keyin against the doorway with a cup of coffee. “remember anything from last night?”

“not really much past xiaotang and shuxin dancing on the table.” keyin chuckles with a small eyeroll “they were five seconds away from breaking it i swear.”

“do you remember…uhm…after that?” there’s so much uncertainty in her voice that keyin almost wonders if she’s talking to the right person.

“keni carried you all the way here. it’s pretty amazing actually, you know how weak she is.” keyin sits on the other bed as she tries to read yu yan’s face.

“made you that too.” she gestures to the bowl and raises and eyebrow. “still taking care of you even if you hurt her.”

it’s a challenge. a probe that yu yan takes when she looks up and there’s a flash of something in her eyes. was it hurt? or maybe concession? keyin can’t figure out exactly.

keni was always better at reading yu yan anyway.

“i—i know i did” yu yan looks at her with eyes full of guilt for two seconds but she looks away quickly, not wanting keyin see any more. well, keyin doesn’t want to see her like that either.

she didn’t want to see either of them like that, but she still did. “you know i’ve known you guys the longest here right?”

“keni’s only been truly upset with you like thrice in the last four years.”

“what’s your point?” yu yan raises an eyebrow and for a second keyin thinks the lion might be coming back again, but also maybe not.

“she loves you.” there’s a pregnant pause before keyin looks her in the eyes and says, “she doesn’t have to scream it from rooftops for you to feel it, you already know.”

she does. everyone else did too, there was something in the way keni sometimes looks at her that just radiates adoration. in those times it would feel like everyone was getting blurry and you would know you’re part of it, because keni’s only looking at yu yan.

keyin wonders if keni knows yu yan looks at her like that too, maybe even more than she does.

the redhead closes her eyes and sighs. “the worst part is i don’t even remember everything i said.”

“i just—i know she’s scared.”

and in a millisecond after she says that, something clicks.

because it’s so easy for you, mighty lion yu yan

yu yan remembers calling keni a coward and talking too fast and getting jealous and even—that night. she alluded to that one night in november and yu yan thinks she might actually punch herself.

why she would bring up keni’s past and that night, she doesn’t know. but yu yan’s half glad the flashes are more of fragments now and she knows there’s something missing. there’s something in between calling her a coward and keni’s watery eyes that yu yan doesn’t remember yet and she thinks maybe, it’s the one that will break her. maybe it’s the one that broke keni.

keyin must have noticed her spacing out because she walks over to yu yan’s bed and sits beside her, a soft knowing smile on her face. “sometimes throwing a kid into the deep end of the pool won’t teach them how to swim. it’ll only make them be more afraid of drowning”

yu yan looks at her, furries her eyebrows, and then chuckles. “you fool, all these metaphors when i can’t swim.”

“you get what i mean anyway.”

“maybe it’s because im a Capricorn moon.” keyin lightly smacks her head when yu yan mentions her sign, relief showing on her face in knowing that yu yan’s still there.

“no it’s because you’re an idiot. go eat and shower, we’re supposed to leave in half an hour.”

“thanks xie xue.”

keyin climbs into the navigator seat and jokes with their juniors while vampire weekend softly plays in the background. it’s even louder than when they first took off but yu yan still has a 5’10” sized hole in her chest.

it’s weird with lingzi too, like she knows something yu yan doesn’t. it’s becoming clearer to yu yan now how ingenius xiaotang was (don’t tell her) for coming up with the buddy system because there’s no doubt keni was avoiding her and she doesn’t want to approach the taller girl either with half a memory.

when they get to their pastel pink airbnb in the afternoon, keni almost runs out of the van and smiles at the sight of the house. yu yan stays in the driver seat a little longer, as if doing that would preserve the moment and she’ll only see keni’s smile.

it’s interrupted anyway by keyin knocking on her window. “hey, don’t get out actually because we’re just unloading the luggages and then we’ll go again.”

“where?”

“to the peak to see the sunset.” yu yan nods because it makes sense and then nods some more when keyin gives her directions while chengxuan, lingzi, and zihan talk animatedly in the backseat.

the path to the cliff they were going to was actually short, it was probably already a tourist destination since they only walked around half a mile from their cars.

there’s a breathtaking sea of clouds beneath them and yu yan thinks about softness and keni. what could have been a happier memory if she was a little more sober last night.

keyin screams into the void about something related to a rapping engineer while shuxin and xiaotang yell in unison, surprising each other (but no one else) when they both say i love you.

“kong xueer is so clingy to everyone but she’s mine!” xueer’s cheeks redden when jiaqi screams and pushes her lightly before joining, “xu jiaqi charms everyone but she’s mine!”

there’s a collective groaning before the girls make chengxuan to do it too, adorably yelling, “i hope we all have a happy roadtrip!” xueer pinches her cheeks and the other girls coo before lingzi yells something about dinosaurs, making keni chuckle.

“yu yan, your turn!”the redhead glares at a grinning keyin and jiaqi, the other girls also anticipating what she’ll say.

but none of them expect what comes out of yu yan’s mouth next, her voice echoing through the mountains. “I’M SORRY”

yu yan’s taken aback by herself too, and for a moment she thinks it’s gonna be even more awkward than the song but zihan yells right after.

“i’ll watch the sunrise right here tomorrow!” there’s some laughing and a few actual promises to watch with her, shuxin saying something about team Lisa. they’re met by orange and red skies a few minutes later and it takes all of yu yan’s willpower to not look at the girl eight heads away from her.

she does it anyway, looking past everyone when the other girls stand up to go back to the car. for a split second yu yan thinks keni’s actually slowly turning her head to face her but she’s met with lingzi’s eyes instead.

“we’ll be right there, you guys go ahead.”

chengxuan holds her hand on the way back and yu yan lets her. she seems lost in a trance, and chengxuan knows it’s because yu yan wants to run back. yu yan wants to run back to keni and hold her and fix everything but she knows that’s not possible yet.

and then she hears it. when yu yan could no longer see two tall figures when she looked back, she heard it. it’s a loud agonizing wail echoing through the mountain that makes yu yan drop to her knees.

keni screams like she’s never screamed before, she screams with desperation in her voice, like it’ll drain all the fear and pain away. keni screams with no words at all but it’s more than enough for yu yan.

do you think you’ll still love me then?

colour drains from her face like the air from keni’s lungs half a kilometer away, she remembers. it rushes back like lightning through her skin and she almost wishes she didn't remember. how keni's voice broke when she asked that, how her voice was dripping with an inexorable love, but also a helpless one. yu yan’s still kneeling catatonic on the ground when chengxuan crouches beside her.

“jiejie can you breathe with me please?” yu yan follows the younger girl’s deep breaths as chengxuan rubs her back. “please let me take care of you this time.”

chengxuan mentions something about a text from lingzi and makes yu yan get up and start walking. she finally regains herself when she hears a certain name.

“what?”

“lingzi said keni jiejie shouldn’t see you, and that they’ll ride the van.”

yu yan stops walking and thinks of how slow they’re walking. she thinks of the distance between them and how small it could be right now if she slowed down even more. she thinks of keni’s face and her eyes and how much it will hurt if they see each other right now. both yearning, but also empty and confused.

“okay.” yu yan walks faster.

“hi.” xueer rests her elbows on the balcony’s pink rails as she approaches yu yan after their dinner. keni, lingzi, and jiaqi went out to eat somewhere else and the other girls tried their best to still laugh it off, yu yan swears xiaotang almost started a food fight.

“hey.”

“nice weather?” yu yan visibly cringes at the other girl’s small talk. it’s too cold.

“god that’s so awkward, what do you want xueer?” she feels bad at how xueer winces, knowing her words came out more bluntly than usual.

“it’s just been tense lately, i wanted to check on you.” yu yan glances over and softens, xueer has always been gentle, always caring.

“sorry. for that and for uh…ruining your birthday.” the other girl chuckles a bit when yu yan awkwardly apologies, waving her hands to say it’s not needed.

“what? no. you and keni have made it more…memorable.” xueer gives her a genuine smile, “don’t worry.”

“do you remember when the team won that competition last year? in november?”

“yeah”

“and we had a party right?”

“of course.” yu yan wonders if xueer knows, if she’s actually close enough to keni to know. but she knows it will always stay between the two of them, a dirty little secret keni even tried to forget.

“yeah and keni was a drunk mess that night, but we were hanging on my balcony and i had never heard her say anything with more sincerity.”

“she said you were always brave, always fighting for other people. that you had no one doing the same” xueer turns to look at yu yan in the eyes when she tells her, like she wanted to pass on the memory to her.

“keni wanted to be the one who would fight for you, she just doesn’t know how yet.” it’s kind of scary how she says it so softly yet so convicted. like nothing else makes more sense that that, than keni wanting to fight for her.

“xueer—”

“i’m sorry by the way, about ziqian.” it’s yu yan’s turn to wince at the mention of her high school love and xueer bites her lower lip. “i thought of her first when keni said that. did she know at the time?”

“yeah of course.”

“figures. i know she doesn’t want to break your heart, yan.” it’s nothing but a memory yu yan doesn’t want to go back to. “she won’t run away like that.”

xueer sees hurt flash in yu yan’s eyes and wonders if she took one step too far. she’s reminded of promises of running away but yu yan wasn’t notified it was gonna be running away from her instead of with her. keni would never do that. “i know.”

“but i blew it for us didn’t i?”

one terrible thing about knowing someone like the back of your hand is that you know exactly which buttons to push and which wounds will burn. the only thing worse than that is actually using that to hurt them.

“no you didn’t” xueer purses her lips before continuing, “it’s not in your nature to give up, you’re annoyingly persistent.”

yu yan chuckles before she sees jiaqi pull up in the driveway. “you’re probably right.”

“i know i am” xueer sticks her tounge out as she walks away.

“im home, cheater!” jiaqi yells when she sees xueer run walk to her and they giggle in a hug. yu yan rolls her eyes but doesn’t really pay attention anymore when two other girls get out of the van and she swears she meets keni's eyes for a second. 

i won’t give up on us, zeng keni.

I'm just wishin on a fallen star
My daddy says it won't get me far
But i'll try for you, i'll try for you