iii. urs // NIKI

Now it's all guessing games, I'm guessing every gaze, like

Do you, don't you, would you even stay if you did?

yu yan ruins it in three hours.

keni thinks she should’ve stopped the redhead from playing her fifth game of beer pong with keyin, they weren’t even sure if it was really just beer in those cups. but keni can’t really complain about yu yan’s drunken stupor when she’s maybe two jäger shots away from the same state.

“I WON!” yu yan yells enough to be heard from their room, laughing loudly and pointing at keyin. “you’re a loser!”

keyin doesn’t even finish her eyeroll before yu yan staggers over to grab keni’s hand and drags the taller girl away. “let’s go to the beach! let’s go get away”

keni giggles and holds her hand until they get to the shore,  stumbling a bit here and there but they make it anyway, even passing by jiaqi and xueer taking a walk (if you call wobbling and waltzing around a walk).

“the moon is so big, wow!” yu yan might have said that just to imitate shuxin, but it makes keni laugh anyway. “it’s not even full, it’s like your tattoo here.”

the redhead shivers when keni places a finger behind her ear, giggling a bit at the ticklish touch as she looks up again. “keni, i want to give the moon a hug!”

keni’s drinking from her water bottle when yu yan starts walking towards the water, quickly putting it away to grab yu yan from under her shoulders to drag her a few feet away from the ocean.

“hug me instead.” keni lowers her arms to wrap it around the redhead’s waist, front pressing against yu yan’s back.

she’s about to rest her chin on the other’s shoulder when yu yan pulls away. “no! no hugs for you.”

she pouts and knots her eyebrows, crossing her arms in front of her chest. keni almost laughs.

“go hug that waiter from earlier instead.” keni actually laughs this time, jealous yu yan was adorable.

“why are you laughing? is it that funny?”

“i think you need to drink water babe.” yu yan shakes her head and points a finger at the other girl. “you’re so a-annoying! you’re always calling me whatever and hugging and touching and staring, it’s driving me insane.”

is she actually serious right now?

“we’ve been dancing around our f-feelings for god knows how long and you still insist on acting like a child.” that would have been a good time to stop talking but yu yan, much like her sober self, doesn’t do anything half-assed.

“sorry you lost your youth to the ugly fiends in the industry but grow up, zeng keni. every time i try to pull you in, you push me away. and then you make me jealous like we’re in ing high school but it works every time and i’m wrapped around your finger again.” yu yan says all that in two breaths and keni wonders how long she’s been wanting to say that, how long yu yan’s been ignoring the cracks.

she knows the answer anyway, just like how she knows every question the girl has, every little flaw she probably will scream about in a few seconds. she’s taken it upon herself to memorize yu yan just as the other girl has done for her, taking in every inch of the girl’s skin. every talent, every fault, every dream; she already knows what yu yan will say, doesn’t mean it’ll hurt any less.

but keni doesn’t want to fight. she doesn’t want to cry over words from someone who won’t even remember what she said in the morning, even if it felt like a sixteen wheeler just ran over her.

yu yan’s looking at her expectantly, like she actually thought they should be talking about this right now. keni steps forward instead, placing her hands around the shorter girl’s face. she thinks yu yan almost relaxes into it, closing her eyes for a millisecond but she shoves keni’s hands away instead.

“no you don’t get to do that.” she stumbles a few feet away from the other girl and then turns. “you can’t let me fall in deeper and then pretend to forget in the morning.”

“is that what this is about? that night?”

“no this is about you being a coward.” yu yan says it with so much spite that keni doesn’t have the chance to stop herself from saying, “because it’s sooo easy for you, mighty lion yu yan!”

keni takes a step towards the other girl whose eyebrows are still knotted “do you think when i tell you i love you, we’ll graduate and then move into a house with our two cats and a pitbull?”

“do you think our Chinese parents are going to clap and jump about this? do you think that a few years into a relationship, you wont get tired of my pouting, my crying; and i wont get annoyed at your loud mouth?” her voice is shaking when she takes another step, almost eliminating the distance between them.

keni holds her chin again, softer this time, and the other girl doesn’t budge. she looks at yu yan straight in the eyes, her half-lidded eyes opening fully as she sees keni’s becoming more glassy.

“do you think you’ll still love me then?” keni’s voice breaks, much like her blood-pumping organ has tonight. but she stands still, waiting for an answer she knows she wouldn’t get.

yu yan stares for a few seconds until her eyes widen and steps away from keni, doubling over to throw up and later on pass out a few inches away from her vomit.

great. i told you to fix your mouth, yu yan.

keni laughs bitterly and then breathes in, no tears fall from her eyes but keeping it in might just be as hard as keeping her feelings at bay for four years.

somehow she gets yu yan on her back and keyin stares as she carries the girl on her back to the hotel, the rapper seemingly just a little less drunk than yu yan, but still has a frown on her face; a knowing gaze at her old friends.

she follows them up after a few minutes, telling keni she’ll sleep in this room instead and hands the taller girl a water bottle before keni hears a thud on her bed.

zihan’s already sleeping (surprise) when lingzi hugs her in the next room and finally, keni cries.

If I walk out the door, it starts our last goodbye
If you don't pull me back, it wakes a thousand eyes