Chapter 8

(I highly recommend you to listen to: ‘Choa - Words I Couldn’t Say Yet', as you read this chapter)

3.

Irene had been going to the temple every day without a miss. She would spend her time there for hours. Sometimes Seulgi would accompany her, even though Irene would still refuse to talk too much to Seulgi. Seulgi thought the older probably hate her. She has all the reason to be angry at Seulgi. So Seulgi feels thankful that Irene still at least let Seulgi be around her. 

And about the kiss they shared that night, none of them dares to bring that up. So both pretended the kiss never happened.

Sometimes Irene would go to the temple alone because Seulgi had to stay with Seo-Woo. 

Seulgi can’t ignore the sad look in Irene’s eyes every time she went back home after praying in the temple. Honestly speaking, Seulgi is really worried for Irene. She wanted to know what’s bothering her, so she can help her out. But something in her told her that it might be something involving her.

And so, she doesn’t dare to pry, afraid it will hurt Irene even more. Because if it’s really something related to her, Seulgi can do nothing to fix it.

Her remaining time is not that much. She’s afraid she has to leave Irene when the older needs her the most. She feared that the most. The idea of failing her mission and getting the punishment is no longer scary for her. She just wanted to make Irene happy. But again, Seulgi is also helpless now. 

***

1.

(Irene’s POV)

At first, I thought the reason why I'm so drawn to her is because of her face. 

Because she looks so similar to Kang Seulgi, Seo-Woo’s real mom, that I didn't get the chance to meet. 

I wonder, if she’s still alive, will she look like Seubi? How would she sound when she speaks? Does she have a certain way of speaking? What kind of person she is?

And then I got to know her better. 

And I found myself liking how warm and genuine her smile is. She makes me smile along too, so easily. 

I like how contagious her laughter is. How caring and kind-hearted she is.

Everything about her, even the way she loves to talk alone to herself, I found them all endearing. 

Being with her makes me calm. 

She makes me feel safe and protected whenever she’s around. 

And most of all, she makes me happy.

Something that I haven't been able to feel for quite a while now. But I was okay with it.

I thought I was happy enough with my life. That I’m content with it. But now that she taught me how it feels to be really happy, I want to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible. Desperately refusing to let go. Now that I have felt it, I have become greedy. 

“I was scared, and I still am. I was so afraid to move on, and.. I’ll forget her. I don’t want to forget Taeyeon. I confidently thought I wouldn't. Because I love her, so much. Yet I hold someone else’s hand now. I smile and laugh with someone who is not Taeyeon. And what worse, now I even find it hard to remember her voice sometimes. How could I?” I clearly remember how the woman named Tiffany said that as she choked on her tears, on the day I and Seulgi met her in the temple. 

At that time I only stayed rooted in my place as I clutched on the clothed part of my chest. Right on where my heart is. Because it was aching. So badly. 

I felt sorry for her. And for myself too. 

I can’t help but think, “Will I be like that too after Seulgi leaves?”

So I went to the temple every day. I keep on praying, to anyone up there who’s willing to hear and grant my wish. All I ask is to make her stay with me even after her 49 days is over. If God or deities up there wanted her to find the right someone for me to raise Seo-Woo with, then Seulgi is that right person. She’s the answer, the only person I want. 

I hope They will listen to my prayers. But the answer is still unsure. 

And today is the last day she has in this world as a human.

How should I send her off? 

Should I send her off with a smile? Because I know she won’t like it if I send her away with tears. It will only make it harder for her to leave. But I’m not even sure if I can stand tall without breaking down the second my eyes meet hers. 

Should I say a few final words to her? Like giving her some goodbye wishes and convey my gratitude? But again, I'm not even sure my mouth can produce any coherent word instead of cries and painful moans as soon as my eyes landed on her.

I faked a smile for the longest time, yet I know I can't do that when I see her later. 

Because I still don’t know how to deal with goodbye. 

So tell me what should I do, Seulgi-yah?

What should I do if I miss you too much after you leave?

What should I do if I want to hug you then?

What should I do if holding it in doesn’t work anymore?

There are words I couldn’t say yet to you.

Words that remain in my heart.

Words that I’ve swallowed in thousands of times.

I am in love with you, Kang Seulgi.

***

She bid her farewell with my daughter. No, her daughter.

She hugged Seo-Woo for the longest time. She tried to not cry, I know she tried so hard to not cry in front of her baby. But some tears fall anyway. I wanted to wipe them away for her, but I'm scared to even move an inch from my place. I feel like all of my energy gets drained. I know I’m not that strong. 

She kissed Seo-Woo’s hair for one last time as she softly speaks to her,

“Listen well to your eomma’s words. Don’t make her sad. Don’t give her hard times. And grow up into a kind-beautiful woman, Seo-Woo-yah. You probably won’t see me, but please know that I will always watch over you.”

Seo-Woo nodded. But what surprised me and Seulgi the most is when Seo-Woo rushed to hug Seulgi again and said,

“Goodbye, eomma.” 

Seulgi broke down at that and sobbed. And I was in a messier state as I watched the heartbreaking scene unfold right in front of my eyes.

For the first time since Seulgi came here, Seo-Woo called her with ‘eomma’.

Why life has to be this cruel to them? To us?

After some time, Seulgi finally calmed down a bit and her eyes landed on me.

She released Seo-Woo from her hug, “Eomma loves you, Seo-Woo-yah. So much. Please always remember that.” She said to her baby and then she walked toward me.

She smiled at me. I hate her for still being able to smile like this when I can't even see her face clearly because of my unstoppable tears blurring my vision. 

She pulled me into her embrace, and I immediately clutched onto her so tightly, so desperately. Afraid if I ever loosen my hug on her, even just slightly, she’ll just disappear into the thin air. The fear is eating me alive and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Unnie, thank you, for everything you have done for Seo-Woo, for Ganghwa, for me. And I'm sorry. I really am. For everything. For hurting you. For making you cry.” My mouth can produce nothing but cries right now. So I can only shake my head against her shoulder to tell her that she should not apologize. She did nothing wrong.

I think she got the message. Because she caressed my hair and kiss it before she speaks again, 

“I hope if there’s a next life for me, I can meet you again. And at that time, I hope I can stay by your side for a long long time. I love you, Bae Irene.” And I lost it. I yelled and shouted like a madwoman as I clutched onto her tighter. The pain is just too much to bear. The pain is suffocating me. 

“T-take me with you, Seul.” I begged. 

What’s the point of living when you feel like dying anyway. Maybe being dead will be better than dealing with this tremendous pain of losing someone you love so dearly. 

She shook her head. “No, unnie. Seo-Woo can’t lose her both moms. She needs you.”

“AND I NEED YOU!”

“I’m sorry..”

“PLEASE STOP SAYING SORRY GOD DAMNIT!”

She held me close as I cry inside her embrace for God knows how long. Until my hysterical cries died down and become soft sobs and hiccups. Until my tears dried. 

I know we’re running out of time. But knowing what soon will come and be ready for it, doesn’t mean the acceptance will be easy. Nor it would lessen the obnoxious pain. 

“Unnie, i.. have to go now. Please don’t send me off. I will leave with Yeri by tomorrow morning.” She c