To say Byulyi doesn’t think of her feelings is a lie.

It’s a constant worry, a recurring thought, following her anywhere her mind went, like her thoughts just casually drift from thinking about the upcoming recital she still has to complete a composition for to thinking about her best friend and how she’d be facing Yongsun now that she constantly thinks of her feelings for the other.

It’s not okay.

Although the fact that she’s composing while a little drunk makes her thoughts a little uncontrollable, yes. Apparently getting drunk while the semester is nearing its end can’t stop Byulyi from studying, as well as her friends. After an hour, her friends decided to leave her apartment so they can all study the next day. It isn’t the case for Byulyi.

Byulyi found herself flipping her pen on her left hand, her laptop and paper forgotten, while scrolling on her contact list.

“Hello?” A raspy voice greeted Byulyi. Now, imagine those cartoon characters that have stars in their eyes and their smiles are so wide you think they’re going to rip off their face and their whole surrounding just immediately lights up – that’s how Byulyi looked.

“Ddunieee!” Byulyi dropped her pen, closed her laptop and abandoned everything she was supposed to be doing, heading straight to her comfortable bed with only her phone and a friend on the other end of the line.

“It’s almost 3, why are you awake?”

“I missed you.”

“Yeah?”

“Ddunieee.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No.”

“Then why did you call?”

“Saying hi to you. I missed you, that’s why.”

“At 3 am?”

“At 3 am,” Byulyi said, voice a little low, hugging her pillow tighter. She imagined hugging Yongsun at that moment, their hands intertwined, her head above Yongsun’s, their warmth…

“You’re drunk,” Yongsun said, matter-of-factly, but Byulyi didn’t reply. She let the silence answer her best friend. Sure, Byulyi rarely ever got drunk, maybe once or twice? And a few glasses when she’s not even tired shouldn’t affect her that much, but Byulyi was intent on acting like she is drunk.

Now, what would happen if drunken Byulyi told her best friend she loves her?

“Ddunie, I love youuu,” Byulyi dragged the last syllable, her voice low and airy, but Yongsun might’ve thought it was nothing, because Byulyi heard a small chuckle and a soft ‘I love you too.’

She wanted to tell Yongsun, that no, that’s not what I meant. But nevermind, Byulyi thinks. It’s better not to ask.

It’s not okay.

The moment she woke up, she felt her whole body ache.

The curtains were open wide and the sun’s heat was starting to warm her whole bedroom. She found herself curled up, still on her jeans and hoodie from yesterday, her phone lying beside her. A sudden realization hit her, ‘.’

A few notifications from twitter and instagram were there when she opened her phone, but a message from Yongsun was the one that caught her attention. There, it stated: ‘Love you’ with a few other puking emojis. Byulyi won’t admit, but it made her day complete despite it being only 10 in the morning.

Byulyi shrugged, she has a week worth of notes to study and an upcoming recital she still has to finish composing for. She should’ve paid more attention to her lessons. Groaning, she made it to her desk to start her work early, but her doorbell disrupted her from doing so. She turned, confused, was she expecting some delivery?

“Aigoo, you smell,” Byulyi made a face at Yongsun. Now this wasn’t planned, usually Yongsun just opens her apartment without notice, as she always did when she visits Yong’s. But today Yongsun waited on her front with her casual outfit: a brown coat over a grayish-blue top tucked messily under black jeans. Her hair wasn’t tied, and she wore little makeup. Byulyi bit the insides of her cheeks; she could feel herself getting red from just thinking about how beautiful Yongsun is. She stepped aside to let her friend in, hiding the smile that was forming in her face.

“I didn’t tell you to come here! Don’t act like I should’ve peppered myself perfume for you.”

“Aww, is that it? Then I should just go-”

“Yeah, go leave,” Byulyi sat on her small gray loveseat and watched closely as her friend struggled to remove her black converse. She suddenly evaluated herself, still wearing the same clothes she had yesterday. Yongsun followed her, bringing an eco bag and a plastic bag on both hands. “What do you have in there?”

“Oh, this bag? Someone called me in the middle of the night drunk, figured out she might want some help cooking today so I came,” Yongsun flashed a grin, setting down her eco bag. “So, do you want some soup or will I eat it by myself?”

“I can cook.”

“You can?” Byulyi didn’t reply, following Yongsun to her kitchen. She loves these small moments with Yongsun, just them bickering about anything and everything, although it made their friendship a little bit irritating to others.

“You’re not going to stay here?” Byulyi held out two bowls to Yongsun, and Yongsun put her hand over Byulyi’s for quite a while, staring straight in the eyes while humming.

“No.”

Byulyi pretended it didn’t affect her.

It did. It’s not okay.

“Then why do you have such a huge eco bag there?”

“I’m going to study. Ah, that reminds me. Let’s go to the library today? SNU, I need some books.”

So that’s how Byulyi found herself strolling around Seoul National University, her campus, about an hour and a half later, on a Sunday afternoon with Yongsun. There were quite a few people around, professors and students who live in the university’s dormitories.

Now, okay, to say that Byulyi didn’t like it was another lie.

Walking hand in hand with the person you like and worrying about nothing? Byulyi stared deeply at Yongsun.

She likes it, and it’s not okay.

She pushed the thought away. Yesterday when both of them went out, these thoughts of hers didn’t follow her everywhere. But even if she did thought of kissing Yongsun, she survived the day pretending. She can do this; all she has to do is to not be obvious.

“Let’s visit Joohyun unnie afterwards, hm?” Byulyi suggested just as she opened the door to the library for Yongsun. Joohyun is this fourth year student who studies business and lives in SNU’s dorms, a year older than Byulyi, but the same age as Yongsun (because Yongsun entered school a year late for some personal reasons). She has this intimidating personality but is a really good senior and friend; therefore Byulyi never dropped her honorifics around Joohyun. They met when they were in high school, when both Byulyi and Yongsun tried out for the school’s broadcasting club for extra credits, and the three of them, with Yoon Bomi, have been friends since.

“I don’t think she’s free today. Remember, Joohyun’s graduating,” Yongsun muttered while examining her notepad to remember which books she needed to look for. Byulyi pouted, leading the both of them deep inside the library to look for an empty area.

“I miss Bomi too, shouldn’t she be free for today?”

“Maybe? Let’s call her later or something.”

“Yong, here,” Byulyi gently tugged at Yongsun’s coat before sliding her arm on her friend’s waist. She never called Yongsun unnie; Yongsun told her not to since they’re both in the same grade level, but still Yongsun acted like one.

“You’re all busy and I’m so bored,” Byulyi whispered, setting down her own eco bag.

“You have a recital to compose for, don’t you? You’re quite busy yourself,” Yongsun muttered, not bothering to sit on their table. She took out her laptop from her bag and got her notepad again. “Be back in a minute.”

Byulyi nodded and slouched on her chair. She followed Yongsun with her eyes, as if she was enchanted, until her best friend some shelf and she disappeared in behind hundreds of books.

“What am I even doing?” Byulyi sat up straight as soon as Yongsun was out of sight.

“Moon Byulyi, come to your senses, woah.”

By the time Yongsun came back, Byulyi was struggling with her notes. She can compose later; the recital is not in two weeks. For the mean time, Byulyi decided fighting with her theory notes is better in the library. But for some reasons, she’s fighting herself in her head.

“The librarian is so handsome,” Yongsun whispered on her ear before staying still, and Byulyi froze, not because she’d seen the librarian before. But Yongsun was pretty much almost kissing her earlobe. Byulyi knows Yongsun didn’t mean to do it, but gods.

“Ah, Y-yongsun…” Byulyi managed to whisper, although she wasn’t sure her friend heard. She felt her ears heat up, but Yongsun wasn’t moving an inch, peering through what Byulyi has been writing.

Byulyi didn’t like it.

Oh, this is trouble. She shouldn’t like it.

It’s not okay.

“What are you doing?” Byulyi looked up to see Joohyun looking at them, smiling, and then she felt Yongsun moving away, greeting their friend with a tight hug. She dabbed her handkerchief on her forehead, before meeting her friend’s eyes.

She put up a smile, and Joohyun smiled a reassuring one – as if to tell Byulyi everything’s fine and she got her back.

Byulyi doesn’t believe it.

She likes her best friend. Everything’s not okay.

a few notes haha:

i am NOT a music student nor i am in college, but i'm doing my best to research so please forgive me if i'm wrong.

my idea of yong here is before yia era yong haha she used to dress like a college student before! so  cute

another thing is that we're still in the first part so there will be some intros here and there (like the one above with joohyun) and flashbacks as we discover more about how moonsun's friendship developed.