Note: Jaebeom and Youngjae finally, finally have their much needed conversation about why Jaebeom left Youngjae all those months ago, and how Jaebeom feels about Youngjae now

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“Okay. I know you have questions-”

“Just one actually.” Youngjae cuts in.

Somehow that’s much scarier for Jaebeom. “What’s the question?”

“why did you cut off contact with me five months ago?”

Jaebeom swallows thickly. “I didn’t want to dump you over the phone.”

“How the hell is that better than this, you idiot?” Youngjae snaps, every bit of pain he feels pouring into each word. It only makes Jaebeom hate himself more.

“It seemed like the best thing to do at the time.”

“You are selfish and stupid.” Youngjae continues to fire, ignoring Jaebeom’s wince. “And a ing cliché.”

Jaebeom doubles back, confused. “How am I a cliché?”

“You’re one of those many people that seem to think handling pain on their own is the best way to go. That’s as cliché as those cheesy love songs you write.”

Jaebeom winces again, but he realises these are insults he has to endure because he deserves every one of them and probably more.

Youngjae just stares at Jaebeom for a little while, pleased that he hasn’t launched into trying to defend himself. It’s satisfying to see Jaebeom accept his mistakes, because the whole idea is not to hurt Jeabeom but to make him realise he messed up. That’s why it only takes Youngjae exactly one minute to regret his comment on Jaebeom’s music. He can tell Jaebeom is hurt by it.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think your lyrics are cheesy or cliché. I love your music.”

“I know. You said it because you are hurt. I get it.”

“You’re having a hard time and I really don’t want to make it worse. I just want answers.” 

Jaebeom nods and goes to give Youngjae the answers he wants. “I’ve been under pressure from my work because it feels like no matter how hard I try; I’m not quite where I want to be yet. The malicious comments just make things a thousand times worse. At that time I felt so jaded with life to the point where I had no strength left for relationships of any kind. I just wanted to disappear somewhere on my own. I felt like I had nothing left to offer anyone. You and I were having a hard time already dealing with the long distance. I assumed my turbulent emotions would only make things worse.”

“So our relationship became a burden for you until you had to get rid of it.” It’s a statement.

Hearing Youngjae say it with so much anguish in his kind eyes makes it that much harder for Jaebeom to confirm it. “yeah.” He whispers.

“You could have talked to me about it.”

“I didn’t want you to convince me that we could stay together.”

 “And now?”

“Now…. I regret what I did because I’ve missed you so much.”

“Do you still love me?”

“Of course I do.”

Youngjae isn’t sure this is what he wants to hear. A part of him feels a whole lot better hearing that the love of his life still loves him back. Another part of him is a afraid of the hope unfurling in his chest because Jaebeom’s emotions are turbulent right now, as he just said so himself a few seconds ago. That means Jaebeom is certain about what he wants and he could just walk away any second. Youngjae sure he can handle that kind of pain again.

“What are you thinking?” Jaebeom’s questions cuts off Youngjae’s thoughts.

“A lot of things.” Youngjae laughs humourlessly.    

“I know I made a huge mistake and it’s probably hard for you to trust me again. I came back here to fix all that.” Jaebeom pauses on a shaky breath before he continues. “And to tell you how important you are to me. The emptiness I’ve felt recently without you in my life…. I never want to feel that way again. At the time I cut you off, I was so lost in my own agony that I forgot losing our romantic relationship also meant losing my best friend. My loneliness started worsening and that’s when I realised I’d ed up.

“Then I was lost. Everything that’s important to me is in the gutter through all fault of mine and I have no idea how to fix any of. I didn’t know what would become of my coming here. I just needed to get away and this was the only place I knew I would feel the safest.”

Youngjae just speechlessly stares at Jaebeom, the harsh beating of his heart almost deafening. All his emotions are threatening to burst his chest open. The pain Jaebeom is feeling is so palpable and it’s making Youngjae hurt too.

“Hyung, I had no idea….” Youngjae says breathlessly and then trails off because he can’t find the right thing to say. Without thinking, he reaches out for Jaebeum’s hand at the table and for Jaebum’s hands and weaves their fingers together. Jaebeom’s breathe catches, surprised by the gesture, but it is definitely very welcome. He squeezes gently, letting Youngjae know that he needs this and deeply appreciates it. 

“Yes I’ve had a ty past few months but there is no excuse for what I did to you.” Jaebeom goes on. “I made stupid mistake after stupid mistake and I deserve the consequences. Desperate to try and get some actual recognition, I disregarded my usual music producer and worked on my own on the last album. As you know, that was a mess.” He laughs bitterly. “My fans hated the effort and sava