Does this even make sense? When you pushed someone away, but yet you are afraid to lose them? But yet, you cannot fully return the feeling that the other side has for you.

“It’s okay, just let it out, Gahyeon.” 

“I am a fool, Bora, I am a fool. I pulled her in, gives her hope, but yet when things start to change I got scared and push her away. I hurt her, and it hurts me too. I am afraid of losing her, but I know I cannot hold her the way she wants me to. The way she wants to hold me.” 

“It’s okay, maybe because things move too fast, that you got scared of all the sudden changes. That is why I told you, maybe you could think about it more, before concluding.” 

“But, I am not regretting it. I am just afraid, afraid that I will lose her, afraid that she will leave me, throw me away, and push me away.” 

“Give her time to come back around, I am sure she will move on with this too.” 

“What if she moves on and then she also leaves me? She makes me happy, Bora. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh at her antics, she shares her music, she shares all those things that she found cute, and it never fails to makes me smile.” 

“I understand, Gahyeon. She is dear to you, you care about her, you want to understand her problem, her pain, and you love her. But, the love you have for her is different and I can understand it. I’ve been there too remember?”

“How can you cope with that?”

“I lost her in the end. She turns her back at me.” 

“Bora…”

“It hurts, yes. But then, things happen, nothing we can do about it. We could prevent it before it happens yes, but what had happened, happened. We move on, and start anew.” 

*****

Dear Yubin,

 

I wish I could open up more. I wish I could let it out slowly, calmly, instead of building everything inside and let it explode and gives up on everything. 

 

I never regret the time we spent together, although short. And I never want to forget the moment that we have together. And I wish, even though I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be, I want you to know that the feelings I have, and when I said that you are dear to me, that I care about you, and that I love you, it is sincere and not a lie. 

 

It will hurt when things start to change again, but I learned that people come and goes. Some end nicely, some because of forces. But I wish we could move forward as it is and supporting each other on whatever it is that we decide to do in the future. 

 

Thank you for liking me, thank you for being there for me, making me smile, making me laugh. And I am sorry for hurting you, for not being there when you hit your bottom. And I am sorry for not being able to open up more and tells you what I feel. 

 

And don’t think of this as me feeling bad. I just want to let it out, to tell you what I feel, and you do know that I am very bad with words and expressing my feelings.

 

Is it too much to ask, if I wish we could never change? Sharing laughs and jokes, fooling with each other? Be there to talk to each other, sharing music that we enjoy? 

 

And I wish that it could makes our friendships in the future even stronger.

 

I am sorry, and I love you

Gahyeon

*****

Gahyeon folds the letters and put it inside the envelope, planning to pass it to Yubin the next time she ever meets her. Holding a hope that she could understand what she wants to convey, yet also the fear of losing Yubin. She holds it dear onto her heart, and let the tears that she has been holding for a while fall freely.