I successfully woke up earlier than him today which is a good thing as he won’t be able to see me waking up dazed again. He seemed to be in a deep sleep which is another good thing so he can sleep more, that’s why I decided to just wait for him wake up on his own instead of doing it myself.

Right after I finished taking a shower, I went up here at the balcony to wait and just chill for a little while. I don’t know why but ever since I woke up, I have been feeling really gloomy but I have to be the way I used to ever since we’ve met each other so today was really a struggle for me. It’s indeed hard to pull off the cheerful personality for someone’s whose often just quiet at a corner like me. I’m only funny when no one’s around. Hahaha!

After an hour or so of waiting outside, he finally came up and asked, “Did you wait long for me to wake up?”

“Um, not much. Did you sleep well?”

We’ve only met here during late nights so sitting side by side here during morning gave a different feeling—it hit differently. It felt... domestic? Like... you know... Hahaha! I think I was being delusional again due to my sentimental mood. I was just smiling faintly the whole time, dazed and felt like thinking about everything life’s throwing at me.

We departed the guesthouse few more minutes after we sat to go to our main attraction for the day which is the suspension bridge park that’s only an hour away by train but since we rode a double-decker bus, it took us half an hour more that we didn’t mind at all.

For experience, we both decided booking a seat-in-coach tour but also mainly to be able to focus more on our trip rather than gets stressed out whether how to get there or be cautious of the time and all of that stuff. Since we booked a joiner tour, we just have to go with the flow of everything!

It was a new experience for me; having a group with me to tour for a whole day. Well, yesterday was different than this because that one was just like looking around in a museum full of people that’s led by one curator but today? Today’s far different from that.

If I was alone, I’d surely be extremely quiet and shy or wouldn’t join such a tour to begin with. But since I was with him, I felt safe and relax.

This idea though? Means he might get recognized by some people and that could make him feel uncomfortable. I did promise I’d be careful around him and even if him getting recognized by other people is not in my control anymore, I did feel like I have to prevent it from happening. So, I stuck to him like band-aid the whole time, not wanting to expose him or he’ll be dispirited for the rest of the day or as just I assumed.

The tourist site we arrived at is similar to the one’s we went yesterday but with two peaks connected by the hanging bridge. It has the same elevation and the view is simply beautiful with all the cliffs and... greens. Now, for me it’s all spectacular but for one person...

I did have an idea regarding his fear but I totally forgot all about it until I saw him get paled when we were lining up. The thought of crossing a hanging bridge that’s two to three hundred meters away from the ground probably felt dangerous at least to him who fear such high places. Goodness... He must’ve been terrified more than I’ve actually witnessed!

It didn’t really cross my mind the whole time after we’ve altered my plan as he never mentioned he want to replace it with something else or simply omit it so I didn’t really have much time to think on such details. Moreover, I didn’t know he haven’t conquered his fear yet as he didn’t had much opportunity to reveal such information and wow, I instantly felt so stupid for bringing him there so I tried to ask him for a go signal if he wishes to do it in a way of not being obvious about noticing his current state as he might feel embarrassed about it—not that it was ever to me though, “We’ve not yet crossed the bridge but the view from here already looks amazing. Should we stay here and take pictures instead?”

I have a feeling he insisted we do cross because of guilt that I might miss out on the fun I expected to experience for the day as I appeared all ecstatic when we were on the way to the site regardless of how gloomy I actually felt earlier that morning. I’m just the type to love gut-wrenching and/or heart-dropping kind of adventures. Thus, the failure of hiding the excitement. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so obvious about it?

“Let’s go?” I asked as final confirmation he did want to proceed.

Since the bridge is pretty wide, it’s allowed to cross the bridge side by side with a partner. So, I didn’t waste the chance and walked with him, observing.

He seemed to have tried so hard to calm down during the first few steps but when a strong wind slapped his whole body, he stopped, held onto the railing with his other hand on his chest looking like he’s about to have a panic attack.

My heart dropped with the sight of state he’s in, trembling, hyperventilating and getting more and more dizzy by seconds. Feeling bad would be an understatement, I felt guilty, responsible and hurt for bringing him to a place that’s terrifying for him. Goodness... I should be more mindful of his welfare.

I immediately went close to him then crouched to level my eyes to where his sight was; blocking the view of below to prevent him from finally falling into passing out.

“Hey...” I said softly to get his attention as well as by putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Here, look me in the eyes.” which he unstably did, hand still holding onto the railing and before he could put his other hand on it, I held it delicately then continued, “I know it’s a little scary but you’re actually doing well so far.”

He was struggling to focus on me or my words so I did what I had to do; I held his small gorgeous features with occasional rubbings of his soft cheeks then lifted his face to be able to look at mine properly while my right hand’s still holding his, “Don’t look down and only look at me. I’ll lead the way for you but if you wish to stop and catch your breath, I’ll stop with you. I won’t let go of your hand until we reach the other side, I promise.”

With continuous encouragement and assurance that I won’t ever leave his side while we crossed the bridge, he finally conquered his fear of heights or at least it served as a practice not to look down and just proceed walking regardless of how frightened he is when in high places.

After we got off the bridge, I had no choice but release his hand from mine because obviously, he no longer needed it. But I guess I shouldn’t complain as I get to hold his aesthetic hands. Don’t get me wrong, I did feel seriously bad for what he had been through that morning but for some reason, it gave me a feeling of fulfillment. I know it’s bad to feel nor think that way but the thought of being relied by him? Someone I admire and truly care about? And being the only one at that matter? My heart felt deeply triumphant. Thinking about it sends my consciousness to the surface of the earth! AND I’M SO SORRY!

“You did great.” was the only praise I could say to him while smiling because it might be too much if I screamed I was very proud of him. That would’ve been like a mom move on my behalf and that... might bother him. Hahaha! Like, who am I to say those words, right? Or am I overthinking this?

He was still a little shaken up but still managed to give me a nervous but very beautiful smile after my not so much congratulatory praise then proceeded to get on the top load of the double-decker bus.

On board, I figured, one dejected people was enough for both of us so I decided to go on full dork during lunch and only then he completely shook of the terror he’d been through.

When we’re about to finish our meal, “Hey, um... I couldn’t say this earlier but I wanted to apologize.” I finally had the right opportunity as doing it during his difficult situation wouldn’t be such a good idea. I set aside the idea of apologizing earlier that time because I prioritized providing comfort and security first, and didn’t care about anything else even the people after us.

“What do you mean?” he wondered.

“I shouldn’t have brought you here. Sorry for somehow forcing you to do an activity that makes you anxious. I should’ve discussed it with you clearly first.”

“Oh, no! You don’t have to say sorry.” he denied then continued, “Instead of receiving an apology, I should actually thank you for helping me out conquer my fear. ” he paused then slowly held my hand with both of his, “I really appreciate what you did for me back there.”

Okay, since when did we start holding each other’s hand this casually? Not that I’m complaining but if this goes on, I’m really afraid what it could manifest in me... Oh dear, I’m in a lot of trouble. I know, I know. For someone who already held his hand for a pretty long time, this may be an overreaction but I guess this is something you’ll never get used to. I’m not even sure I deserved to hold his hand! It seemed fragile and just goddamn precious I want to cherish and treasure it all ways possible!

“But I’m still responsible for what have caused you so much distress. Something worse than having a panic attack might have happened and I won’t be able to handle that. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t say that.” he contradicted, “Even if I got anxious and panicky, I did get over it. All because of you. For not letting go of my hand, seriously, thank you.” and ironically released my hand after he said it then proceeded to finish his food.

“Okay, if you really say so.”

But me? I couldn’t get back to my food just yet because I immediately missed the warmth of his hands over mine that only lasted for a few moments wherein I wish lasted longer than it actually did.

They differ though... The way we held each other’s hands.

Mine holding his felt deep and fulfilling. I got to in a way I’ve always wanted to do for him; protect and care for. For some strange reason, I have this urge to just do those things for him. Is it because of this deep and extreme admiration that I naturally felt the need to take care of him? If only it’s possible to do it often, I definitely would. Be it in his best or worst days, I’d be grateful to. But I might be too much for him if that ever actually happens; I tend to be over-indulgent when it comes to loving and caring for someone. He’d be spoiled but then get sick of me faster than the days we’ve spent together so far.

Him holding mine? It felt like the ‘finally!’ moment, you know? It feels romantic, the way he held mine... That moment felt like… you know... you get the chance to... or I don’t know. I’m imagining things again… I’m completely in delusional hole right now. Gosh, I want to bang my head onto something to wake me up from my unrealistic thoughts!

After lunch, we headed down to the foot of the mountain where a mini safari is located; our second and last tour for the day.

Halfway through the tour when we were looking around one of the gift shops, he went to the tour guide and asked something. I heard because again, I stuck to him all day aside from that one time I’ll tell you about later.

(Wait. ‘You’? Who am I talking to? Hahaha!)

“Is it okay for me to do the tour until here? I’m kind of not feeling well.”

My protective instinct that solely exists for him quickly kicked in due to the state he was in, pain with I assumed cold sweats.

“If you’re not feeling well, I should come with you then.” I suggested—no, more like a dictation. I wouldn’t let him go feeling unwell like that!

“Thank you but you don’t have to. I’ll be fine by myself, really. I don’t want you to miss the rest of the tour.” What’s there to miss when you’re the one I’m going to miss if you leave me alone with a bunch of strangers?

He’s feeling guilty again for my sake when he doesn’t need to. After what happened earlier, I wouldn’t let him insist his way this time. Sorry but I have to do this for your own good.

“No, let me go with you. It’s going to rain anyway. We didn’t bring an umbrella with us so...” I reasoned.

“Sorry for causing you so much trouble.” he said, still feeling guilty.

I clarified, “You’re not causing me anything. Trust me.” The only thing you’ve caused me so far is make me fall even deeply…

The tour guide let us get back to the bus on our own which the other tourists didn’t paid attention to as well as the threatening weather. I guess I was successful in covering for him the entire time—well, that or they just didn’t know him.

I guess the reason we weren’t jam packed in the double-decker bus is to have enough spaces inside for when it rains. So, we went inside the first deck instead of the upper one we got on first since it’s starting to get really dark.

We went to the most back part of the bus and I sat beside him then asked, “What are you feeling?”

“I think I have an upset stomach.” he said with strained voice then leaned back with his eyes closed.

“Is it like a nervous stomach? You were under an immense distress earlier at the bridge. Maybe you’re only feeling the effects of it now?” I assumed. I don’t really know what I was talking abou