Sua massaged her temples for what felt like the millionth time that night as the customers were getting more and more unreasonable by the second. The pounding music and blistering chatter was making her headache worse.

“Hey Sua,” She faintly heard Dami as her mind was swimming with pain and fuzziness. She only hummed in response as she looked at Dami as her hand went back to her side. “I’ve been calling your name for the past 5 minutes,” Dami replied with concern in her voice and her face.

“Sorry,” Sua dropped her head into her hand once more to massage them, “Do you have any aspirin?” Sua asked as she hoped that the pain would stop.

“You do realize that it’s closing time, right?” Dami watched as Sua sighed and winced at the pain. She then heard a small groan that was followed by her pressing the top of her head. “You need more sleep, Sua. Lately, I’ve been seeing you turn more into a raccoon than a human being.”

“I’ve been trying to sleep,” Sua didn’t want to have an argument so she just told the truth. “I sleep for some hours and then wake up screaming with tears falling down my eyes.” Well… as truthful as she can get. She’s been reliving the last day she had with Jiu in her past life over and over again that it’s ingrained in her mind every time she closes her eyes. The good thing though is that she managed to get Jiu to get away from her, but the price was reliving Jiu’s death in her dreams.

“Hmm, well maybe they are just nightmares,” Dami concluded as she didn’t know how to help Sua in this situation.

“Yeah, nightmares.” Sua repeated. “That will be with me no matter where I go,” She muttered in the last part.

“Go home and actually get some sleep. No matter how bad the nightmares are, they won’t come to get you,” Dami stated firmly as Sua nodded with a sad smile. If only you knew how much I wish that was true. “I’m going to go lock up today and if I see you with that irritated and ghastly expression again, I’m sending you home you got it,” Dami ordered as Sua nodded once more before departing the venue.

The cold air nipped at her body once more, but the fresh air helped with her headache a bit. Silence accompanied the cold weather as it has been for the past 3 weeks. Sua knew that she did what was best for Jiu, even if the consequence was her health. She did boxed breathing (breath in through the nose for 3 seconds, hold it for 3-5 seconds and breath out from the mouth for 3 seconds then repeat. (If I’m remembering the steps correctly)) to ground herself back to reality as her mind tended to take her back to anywhere. She finished her breathing and began walking home with a semi clear head though she didn’t have the capacity to think straight.

Sua staggered into the wall leading to her apartment as she didn’t have anymore energy to continue walking. She debated if she should just sleep outside then enter her apartment when she wakes up later. Her mind was swimming while her body was heavy. She let out a shaky breath wondering if she was getting sick from all the lack of sleep, but she became too tired to care. Just going to close my eyes for a bit before going to my apartment. Sua thought to herself as she slid down the wall and closed her eyes.

Sua opened the door to Jiu’s apartment only to find her cute little bunny snuggled up in her blankets. With a smile dancing on her lips she walked over to the bed and sat on it. She got a groan from Jiu in return.

“Stay away, Sua. I’m going to get you sick,” Jiu said while Sua only rolled her eyes.

“I wonder how you got sick in the first place,” Sua sarcastically replied as she was the one who gave Jiu her sickness. “I told you not to kiss me, but did you listen?” Sua added the rhetorical question which got a grunt in response. “Of course, you didn’t.” Sua huffed as she continued to watch Jiu shift in her blankets to be more comfortable.

“I don’t like seeing you sick,” Jiu whined as she poked her head out of her blankets with a pout displaying on her face. Sua only shook her head at her girlfriend’s childish behaviour.

“As do I, love, now get up. I brought you some congee.” Sua demanded as she figured that Jiu would be hungry from laying in bed for most of her day.

Jiu slowly rose up to eat the congee that Sua was pulling out from the bag she had in her hand. Sua opened one of the containers as she didn’t know which one Jiu would like. She had all kinds of congees that were questionable when she was reading online. There was ground beef, chicken, mussel, bacon and onion, garlic beef, spicy pork shoulder, raw egg and the list goes on. Sua stuck with ground beef, chicken and the raw egg as they were easier to get the ingredients. Plus, she didn’t know how sick Jiu was or if her stomach can handle eating meat. Sua put the spoon in the container and gave it to Jiu but it wasn’t taken.

“Feed me,” Jiu sheepishly asked with a small smile. Sua raised her eyebrow before shaking her head.

“Sometimes I wonder who the older one is in this relationship,” Sua grumbled but took the spoon and lightly blowing cold air on it before bringing it to Jiu’s lips. Jiu happily ate the congee that Sua made and fed her. She began eyeing the rest of the containers that were in the bag. Sua shook her head no to Jiu’s pleading eyes for more. “These are for when I go back home, and you get hungry when I’m gone. I’m not letting you digest instant noodles just because you are too tired to make food.” Sua explained as Jiu still had her pleading eyes locked onto her. “Hey,” Sua scooted closer as she placed her left hand on the right side of her neck pulling it lightly as their foreheads touched. Sua could feel the heat emitting from Jiu which was a clear indication that she was having a higher than normal body temperature to be more precise a fever. Sua pulled away to take in Jiu’s appearance but kept her hand on Jiu’s neck.

“I don’t eat to be filled though, Sua,” Jiu whined which got Sua to chuckle as she caressed underneath Jiu’s ear for comfort.

“I know, Jiu, you eat for the nutrients,” Sua responded and got a smile with a nod as a reward. “But I’m not going to let you eat too much. Your body can’t handle it plus I know you only want to eat the congee, so you won’t have leftovers in the fridge.” Sua continued which got a pout from Jiu once more.

“I don’t like leftovers,” Jiu started playing with her blankets as Sua knew that she usually does that when she gets nervous.

“I know you don’t but just hang in there until you are no longer sick then you can raid your fridge,” Sua grinned as she got a weak pinch on her hand that was still on her neck.

“Quit teasing me,” Jiu laughed with a smile and that was all Sua needed to know that Jiu wasn’t angry with her.

“I’ll always tease you because how else am I supposed to show how special you are to me,” Sua replied with a big grin on her face. She felt Jiu’s neck get hotter which meant that Jiu was embarrassed at her words. “You need some rest, Jiu. I’ll come back soon okay,” Sua softly said as she didn’t want to part with her but her project for Jiu awaited her.

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” Jiu questioned with hesitance as Sua hoped that it’ll always be like that. Just waking up and seeing her possible love of her life before her day began.

“I won’t make any promises, but I’ll try my best okay?” Sua confessed as she didn’t want to make any promises she couldn’t keep.

“Okay,” Jiu sadly said while looking down away from Sua’s eyes. Sua scooted closer to give a kiss on the crown of Jiu’s head.

“I’m not leaving till you fall asleep silly,” Sua chuckled hoping that it’ll ease some of her girlfriend’s hesitance on being alone in her apartment.

“Really!” Jiu responded excitedly as she met Sua’s eyes.

“Of course, now come on you need to lie down,” Sua urged as she removed her hand from Jiu’s neck. She watched as Jiu slid back to her lying position and put an arm out to hold Sua’s hand. Sua grasped onto Jiu’s hand immediately and squeezed it to tell Jiu that she was there. “Good night, Jiu.” Sua whispered as she watched her girlfriend try to fight the sleepiness but lost. She smiled seeing how peaceful Jiu was sleeping and decided that her project can wait. She used her free hand to push away the hair that was lightly covering Jiu’s face and wished that these times would never stop.

Sua jerked awake from her dream as something warm was in her hand. She then noticed that she wasn’t outside in the cold. She frowned as she knew the feeling of the bed and wondered how she got here in the first place until something squeezed her hand. Chills ran down her spine as she heard soft breathing. She slowly let her grip go from the warm thing she now figured out was a hand. She slid out of the person’s hand and walked off to the bathroom.

She looked at herself in the mirror and found that she was deathly pale with noticeable dark circles. She heaved out a heavy sigh as she pulled her hair to one side then put her hands on the counter and leaned. How did I get back into my apartment? Plus, who's the good Samaritan who’s holding my hand while I slept. It brought back such good but torturous memories. Sua thought to herself as her brain started pounding again.

She felt arms enwrap around her waist while a breath hit her neck before it was replaced with lips. A small peck before a head resting on her shoulder that didn’t harbor any hair. An action that Jiu would do every time Sua needed to calm down or to feel comfortable or to know that she doesn’t have to battle whatever troubles her alone. An action that her Jiu knows.

“You remember about us, love?” Sua said with hope in her voice and she felt a hum in response to her shoulder.

“What are you doing up?” Jiu asked lazily as Sua could hear the sleepiness in her voice.

“Nightmare,” Sua answered as she didn’t want to go back to sleep.

“Want to tell me what it is about?” Jiu inquired as concern was expressed all over her voice.

“The happier times for us but I will never go back to those times.” Sua confessed as her eyes pricked with tears. “I can’t fix what I have done to us,” She let vulnerability take over her voice.

“You don’t have to fix us. There was nothing to fix in the first place. Can’t you see that we are happy just by being together,” Jiu comforted but Sua shook her head.

“You suffered while being with me. So, it’s my turn to suffer while you are happy with your girlfriend.” Sua let the tears fall as she felt a pair of lips kiss the corner of her eye.

“I can’t be happy without you, Sua, you know this as much as I,'' Jiu pulled Sua closer to her body.

Sua was about to respond when she investigated the mirror and found that no one was there but her holding herself as tears fell. Her head ached again, and her right hand immediately went to her head. She rummaged for her aspirin as she didn’t notice the shift behind her. She popped 2 pills into and quickly drank some water.

“You know sleeping outside your apartment isn’t the smartest decision in anyone’s life,” Sua heard a voice but she was in too much pain to care.

“What if I told you that it’s not the first time I slept outside before,” Sua responded to the oh so familiar voice who stepped into the washroom. There Sua stared at Jiu in the mirror of her bathroom.

“My instinct tells me to believe you,” Jiu responded as the sleepiness in her voice was very evident. Sua gave Jiu a smile knowing that she just hallucinated to hearing Jiu’s sleepy voice before getting the real thing.

“As you should just like when I said that I am toxic to you,” Sua confirmed but also tried to reaffirm Jiu about why she was toxic.

“You still never told me your name,” Jiu changed the topic as Sua didn’t press on the matter.

“It’s better for both of us,” Sua replied hoping that Jiu would take the hint that her presence would worsen her life. Sua turned around crossing her arms and leaning against the sink counter.

“I told my girlfriend about you,” Jiu said as it made Sua widen her eyes from the information. “She asked me why I wanted to still see you when you pose a danger to me,” Jiu continued as Sua listened, not knowing if she should answer her or not. “She wanted your name and I couldn’t give it to her since I don’t know it, which I think it’s unfair for you to know mine, but I can’t know yours.” Jiu whined then pouted making Sua want to tell Jiu her name just so she could be happy, but she remained strong enough to smother the want down .

“Life’s not fair,” That was the only answer Sua can reply with as she knew that statement all too well.

“It can be fair,” Jiu had hope in her voice as Sua heard it. “Just tell me. It’s that easy,” Jiu pleaded towards Sua who was still leaning on her sink counter.

“This is fair though,” Sua said as her voice had so much sadness and vulnerability that Jiu could only stand there. “If I tell you what I am hiding then it’ll make it unfair for us. If I tell you then it’ll break everything you've ever done in your life.” Sua started as tears were welling up in her eyes. “If I were to tell you then it’ll break your heart as much as it does mine because you won’t understand what I have to deal with. I wouldn’t have to tell you if you know what I know, and I don’t want to spell that out to you. So, all I can say is that I love you enough to not make you suffer with me. I love you to the point that I can handle carrying this constant pain that is with me ever since high school. I love you that seeing you happy makes my mind and resolve much easier to live with these actions. It’s enough to know that I haven’t tainted you yet with my selfishness, my existence and my love.” Sua’s tears fell and she laughed to herself as her own words didn’t even reach Jiu’s ears. This was her punishment and she is gladly taking it.

“You can’t make these decisions on your own,” Jiu responded to Sua’s whole monologue.

“I can and I have,” Sua grumbled as she pushed herself off the counter and started heading to her bed. “You left me once without my decision and now it’s time for me to leave you,” Sua flopped onto her bed as her mind was lessening in pain but Jiu wasn’t leaving.

“Yet, you told me to stay by your side until you slept. You held my hand and never let go until now,” Jiu pointed out as Sua cursed out loudly at her incompetence.

“Can we talk about this when it’s not the middle of the night? I’ve been told to have some decent sleep or else I won’t be paying rent on time,” Sua settled herself into her blankets and patted the side of the bed she would never use unless a certain someone occupies it. She halted her actions as her cheeks warmed up. She coughed into her hand to not make things awkward. “I’ll go sleep on the couch. You can take the bed,” Sua slowly started sliding out of her bed but was pushed back.

“No no. You are sick and sick people are to sleep in a place that relaxes them,” Jiu firmly said as she couldn’t see much in Sua’s bedroom. It was a wonder how she could move around in the dark. “Do you have a thermometer?” She asked as she didn’t want to pry into someone’s room.

“Nope,” Sua confirmed as she laid down knowing that decent sleep would help her. “Just let me sleep and the next day I’ll be fine as always,” Sua nuzzled into her pillow hoping that sleep would come quickly until she felt the bed dip from the other side.

“You know, you only called my name once and then you never used it again. Why?” Jiu asked and Sua stayed silent as she knew the answer to that. Because it’ll make new memories and cause our status of strangers to change. Because then everything will become real, Jiu. If I call out your name, I fear of falling more in love with you that I cannot bear to stick with my decision. A decision where I shouldn’t involve myself in your life again.

“Legal issues,” Sua lied and she knew that Jiu knew that it was a lie.

“Mhmm,” Jiu hummed while Sua remembered her imagination of how it rumbled on her shoulder. She blushed at how Jiu easily captured her heart, but she wasn’t going to admit to anything. “G’night” Jiu whispered as Sua heard the sleepiness in her tone once more and just laid there in silence with the soft rhythmic breathing.

Sua slowly moved her hand to find at least one of Jiu’s hands. When she did, she laced her fingers through them and gave them a small squeeze. She silently prayed that Jiu didn’t wake up to what she was doing. She moved her hand to her lips and gave it a ghosted kiss.

"Jiu…" Sua whispered knowing that she won't wake up. "Jiu" She tightened her grip a bit while tears ran down her hands. "it hurts so much, Jiu," Sua confessed but it still didn't wake her up. She bit her lip trying to hold back a sob. "I wish I could tell you my name but then everything will repeat like back then. I want to move on from you as you have already. I want to already disappear from your thoughts and maybe your heart, but the world is so cruel." Sua continued on as she brought Jiu's hand to her chest like a treasured toy, she would never part with. "So cruel that I suffer everyday for my actions. So cruel that I remember, and you don't. So cruel that I can't claim you as mine for the rest of the world to back off. So cruel that you're probably going to be the death of me again and you wouldn't even know the reason behind it," Sua finished as her mind was getting hazy before sleeping as her Jiu waited in the dream world once again.

Unknown to Sua, Jiu had heard everything she had confessed, and an infinite amount of questions were raised as none of her previous ones were answered.