My life has been filled with pieces of the interesting and uninteresting.

 

Just like any typical life would be, or so I thought. Then again, my childhood had already been a little crazy over the roof. Yeah. It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t bothered. My family got rid of me when I was a kid… I was sent away.

 

Thinking about it now, it might have actually been a good thing.

 

The world is a big world, I know that.

 

What I didn't know is that a big world like this would probably mean that there are a whole lot of possibilities occurring. Literally anything can happen. It's not like I’m waiting for anything or anyone specifically.

 

Sometimes after things happen, I feel more lost than ever. I don't know what I want…

 

Everyone looks for a little love somewhere. It feels real and unreal at the same time.

 

Sometimes I thought there would be something there I might actually spend some effort trying to keep but then… All these don't really matter anymore…

 

Not when my mind isn't my own.

 

Tzuyu…

 

Tzuyu is a precious girl. She really is.

 

She appears by my side whenever I’m most afraid of the darkness. Like my guardian angel. Tzuyu actually talks to me. She doesn't tell me not to be afraid, she tells me to look for the light. Instead of just pointing at the light, she walks with me to the light.

 

There was once we were on a dark road… There was no light. Tzuyu guided me all the way out of the forest. In the end, I relied on her for help.

 

It didn't take me long to realize how much I depended on her and needed her… To the point where I’d feel suffocating anxiety without her around. Oddly, most of the time she’d come to me when I'm feeling down, with the help of the tree outside my bedroom window.

 

It can't be an obsession.

 

I love her? I think I do… but I don't know if she loves me back…

 

***

 

Tzuyu told me to go with Seungcheol.

 

I don't understand. He is just a friend. I mean… I know he likes me but my head is so occupied with her, I can't think about anything else except her…

 

Tzuyu gets upset when I don’t do what is best for myself. She encourages me to do more and try harder each time I don’t get what I want. Again, there aren’t a lot of things that I want. So I do wonder how she knew about them…

 

She also told me it was Mina who tried setting Seungcheol up with me. He is a great guy, honestly. Though… whenever I spend time with him, I feel like I’m betraying Tzuyu. It’s like I need to be by her side a little more than I should.

 

It’s okay because I know she wants me too.

 

Tzuyu also knew I fell out of terms with Mina and Seungcheol.

 

She told me to make up with them but… I found my feet heavy every time I wanted to and ended up not making a move. Literally… I wouldn’t be able to move my feet. Tzuyu says I could move them with my mind if I wanted to.

 

Does it mean that I didn’t really want to make up with them?

 

***

 

Nobody really notices me.

 

All they want from me is my attention and they don’t do anything more when I need listening ears. Tzuyu listens to me. She tells me that things aren’t always what they appear to be.

 

She seemed particularly sad one day. It was as if she knew what I was thinking about.

 

It wasn’t really love that I had for her but… more like she is me. She knew and I knew too, deep inside there was always this strong feeling that she is me and… I’m more lost than ever…

 

How could it be that way…

 

Of course, it could happen. I just didn’t want to admit it.

 

I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to admit it.

 

***

 

I can’t decide to write about how Tzuyu keeps saying she has to go… or about Seungcheol who never left my side even though I almost got him killed.

 

Yes, that’s right. That car almost hit him that day. I just found myself in the middle of the road suddenly, not knowing how I got there.

 

I’m sad because Tzuyu is sad. She is disappointed in me, I can feel it.

 

Does she not understand how hard it is to make a decision like this...

 

Does she not know how it feels to wake up knowing that you won’t see the most important person to you ever again...

 

She didn’t know…

 

I don’t think she’ll ever know.