Loving Kim Bora was never an easy thing, but as it comes naturally to her, the amount of ordeals Siyeon is ready to overcome for her is endless.

She likes to think her musical influences grew too much on her. Being a classically trained musician - a vocalist to be precise, though she started with learning the piano as soon as she could even walk and later on at the conservatoire, she doesn’t miss out how Romanticism being her favorite stylistic movement and her enduring a mostly unspoken story - preferring to translate her feelings to music instead of words, might be closely related. Romanticism is a music of feelings, of emotions so intense they overpower the mind, eventually driving people to excessive decisions and Siyeon may do just the same.

Actually, no. There’s something that doesn’t sit right with that. No, loving Kim Bora is as easy as breathing, something so imprinted in her heart that even unconscious she’d reach for her. Besides, Bora makes it terribly easy to love her, how can she resist? She’s radiating this very contagious energy that drives Siyeon in, never being afraid of making something silly to amuse, going out of her way to get what she wants, or annoying Siyeon on purpose to get her undivided attention. She’s caring, also passionate and has that charming voice and Siyeon won’t deny, she is indeed very charmed by the beautiful Bora.

Siyeon is no knight in shining armor but she's willing to do her best. Not that there are that many difficulties when they first meet - it's strictly professional friendship, but when she starts looking at the older woman under a different light, she quickly understands that her best may not be enough.

Figuring out that her attraction was most probably reciprocated isn’t all that difficult. The idol may excel at the game of appearance in front of the cameras, she quickly and gladly lets it go when it’s just the two of them at practice, and with time, when they meet outside of work. Even if the vocal trainer is the one who asked her to not think of their sessions too formally, thinking back to their first meeting, she never thought it would lead them where they are now. Longing for each other, trying to convey silent messages through a loving gaze or a lingering embrace that will speed up the tempo of her heartbeats.

Now, you would think that it’s actually a fairly easy situation. Two people in love, they would just need to confess. Since both are aware of what’s happening, happiness is merely three words away.

There’s nothing to worry about. 

Right?

It’s only love.

Right?

But things are never that simple, are they?

When she worries that Bora overworks, when she’s happy to to spend time with her, when it hurts to overthink their relationship after she takes a step back. When she's delighted to hear someone of the industry praise her abilities and hard work. It also stems from love.

And all of that goes without considering the prying eyes that seem to have an opinion on how people should live their lives, and especially idols, which Bora happens to be.

Sadly, Siyeon understands that’s the reason why Bora must decide for them both and the reason why, as much as Siyeon strays from her own, the singer doesn’t go out of her way so they can walk on the same path.

But Siyeon is brave enough to remain by Bora’s side until she can’t, and hopelessly smitten that ultimately everything she does is driven by love.

Siyeon thinks that out them both, Bora is still the braver one for putting up with the idol life. Frankly, that’s not something she’d be able to, it requires an overwhelming amount of dedication that she sees as very restraining and pressuring.

“Can you take a picture of me?” Bora says extending her phone towards her.

They’re enjoying some time together, during Bora’s hiatus and Siyeon being on leave. It’s a weekday, and right in the middle of the morning, so the cosy café located in Sangsu, just a few streets further all the nightclubs, is empty, giving them the privacy Siyeon hoped for when she chose the place. Outside, she can even see two little kittens idly feeding from their dish right by the entrance, another sign of welcome peace. Free time with Bora was scarce and precious, it would sadden her to spend it with random people following them while pointing their phones at the older woman relentlessly, as if a singer walking the streets during their free time is anything worth recording.

Of course, it’s a different question when Bora is the one asking. Siyeon accepts the device and starts taking pictures when she starts posing. She tries to find the perfect angle, but honestly, there’s no bad or average angles when that’s Bora you’re photographing.

Oh, but maybe that’s not what she needs to focus on.

“Should I leave out the pancakes?”

“No, no, show the pancakes, it’s important. I’m eating properly.”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” she says as she takes a new round of shots framing the plate with the pancakes as well this time, “when we could already be tasting happiness.”

“Just updating my fans so they don’t miss me too much.”

“But you’re on break and finished your promotions like, two days ago, you don’t have to.”

“It’s just nice to share with them? It’s not that deep."

"Isn't it tiring to have their eyes constantly on you, whatever you do? I mean, it's only pancakes," she reasons, though the place might be completely packed with fans the day after the singer releases the pictures. How much time do they actually spend investigating those stuff? There are plenty of good pancake places.

It’s not really about the pancakes, she knows it.

She works with a lot of idols so it’s not entirely new to her, but it never fails to impress her how much they share of their lives. It definitely challenges her view on the question, and it’s always with renewed fascination that she observes Bora put so much care in those mundane moments.

It’s not quite like boasting to your friends by uploading a pretty picture of you and the delicious food you ate to make them salivate with envy. Firstly because who has thousands of friends, and secondly because they will hunt down the place not because the idol recommended the food, she’s stopped doing that long ago, but because it’s the place SuA visited and, incidentally, had food at.

"At times, yes, of course, but I receive so much love and energy from them, it’s crazy. I want to give it back. And I guess… maybe a part of me wants their attention... I like reading their comments wishing me a good day or saying how the picture made them feel better. It helps me too," she says vaguely, but smiling nonetheless. "Besides, I don’t have to post it today. This is still our special moment, don’t worry.”

Bora then affectionately looks at Siyeon beyond the lens, her grin visibly widening when their eyes meet, before posing again.

She still doesn’t understand completely because she doesn’t need to make the effort of an improvised photoshoot today either, but Bora is very cute smiling at the fluffy pancakes, so she stops her sociological study here. She takes a few more shots for good measure, then hands back the phone to its owner.

“Yeah, I’ll find a good one in those for sure. You have the eye of a photographer, Siyeon. Thanks,” the singer compliments happily while she scrolls at her gallery.

“Not difficult when the subject is already art.”

Bora’s head shoots up with an incredulous look on her face, as if asking her friend if she really just said that in a completely serious tone.

“I hope that’s what your fans will think when they see one of those pictures. My art needs appreciation, after all,” she rather unconvincingly explains, deliberately looking sideways with a pout when she finishes talking.

“You, really… Anyway, let’s dig in,” Bora says raising her cutlery mid-air, hungry eyes staring indecently at the innocent pancakes.

“Wait,” she interrupts, fishing in her coat pocket for her own phone. “I want a picture too. Gotta keep the art for myself.”

Bora smiles at Siyeon again, enthusiastically posing again, but the latter points the camera at the pancakes, breathing out a satisfied sigh.

“Real art, look at that fluffiness. It’s perfect.”

“Hey!” Bora exclaims. She grabs Siyeon’s hand to direct the camera to her. “Take a picture of me, you goof!”

“Huh huh,” she negates. She gently frees herself from Bora's hold, shifts on her chair, turning half-way around, then positions her phone so that the two of them fit in the small frame.

“Let’s just take a picture together. Lift the plate, I wanna see the pancakes.”

And with that, she takes a single shot, quickly putting away the device away to face Bora once again.

As far as her own bravery is concerned, Siyeon can’t really say it’s completely unfailing, but to which extent precisely is up to your own judgement. She’s thought of leaving several times, an easy solution at first glance before it’s too late for damage control. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but surely there’s a limit to that. Finding another job wouldn’t be too difficult for her, and her skills are versatile enough to get by, but then one look in Bora’s eyes and the will to find out about her theory is thrown out the window.

Admittedly, being infatuated with an idol you work with proves some predictable inconveniences, schedule-wise. They meet regularly, but as colleagues and for work, and as for their friendship, she needs to wait for a rare day off Bora will most likely be informed of last minute and pray she didn’t already have plans.

The singer is her strength and her weakness at the same time. She’s her ruler and probably doesn’t even know how much power she holds over her.

She can crush her, and she almost does.

‘[BREAKING] Media outlet reports solo singer SuA and band Day6’s Wonpil are dating’

Surprise is too light of a word to describe her reaction to the headlines. Betrayal is too strong, she reasons. As close as she and Bora are, she realizes there are lines she will never cross.

Maybe she interpreted everything wrong? Maybe she was lead on and Siyeon was too stupid to realize? Why didn’t Bora tell her?

Her mind goes back to every moment they shared, trying to find the evidence that she was in the wrong all this time and Bora was just being affectionate with her because that’s just who she is and treats her closed ones, not because of something more. She tries to rationalize her feelings, never bringing the topic up because that’s still not how this part of their relationship work. She thought she understood the reasons why, but now she's not so sure anymore. Pushing far away the feeling of humiliation and the hint of jealousy growing in her, she wants to think everything’s fine, that at least Bora will be happy this way.

It bothers her much more than she's willing to admit and the singer catches on even quicker than herself.

“Siyeon!” Bora shouts in the middle of a vocal practice, waving her hand in front of Siyeon, making the latter snap out of it. “Are you okay? You were staring into space and not saying anything about this part.”

She shakes her head, her gaze low.

“I wasn’t paying attention, sorry.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that. Something on your mind?”

She keeps brushing it off, blaming lack of sleep and Bora lets go, several times. As time passes, she keeps being off during practice, sometimes distracted. Her eyes don’t even meet Bora's anymore, for the simple reason that she doesn't feel like she has the right anymore. It only lasts for so long before Bora comes forth again. Several passive aggressive lines later, the outome is nothing short of explosive.

“Okay Siyeon, what’s wrong with you?!”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

Siyeon’s spent the last days on edge and her brain can’t prevent her words from coming out accusative and biting. She swats away Bora’s hand that came in contact with her arm. It’s enough to tick off the singer, who’s in a similar state from days of seeing her attempts to understand this foggy situation fully disregarded.

“Do I have to tell you everything? I have enough people annoying me about that all day long. That’s none of your business.”

“There, you have it.” She spits back almost instantly, rolling her eyes. “That’s none of your business.”

“Is this what this is about?” Bora asks, eyebrows frowning trying to make sense of the situation. ”You tell me nothing’s wrong yet you keep avoiding me like the plague! Even during practice it’s like I don’t exist.” Her tone has gone more desperate throughout her sentence, expressing her confusion. “We both have things we don’t want to talk about, but at least you’re not what I don’t want to talk about. So what now? We ignore each other until the end of humanity? How ing great...”

“Alright, let’s talk about it, Bora. Who am I to you?”

The question has been on the tip of her tongue for a long time, haunting her even more lately. Their lack of communication is unhealthy, but turns out they’re terribly bad at it when they try. In front of her, Bora keeps quiet, mouth slightly agape and pensive eyes filled with sadness, the result of the underlying meaning of the question and how it lead them to throw such misplaced words at each other, but Siyeon is too blinded by her own disillusion to realize. She doesn’t even know what she expects from the question, actually. She won’t get the words she wants to hear, so it's pointless to drag the argument further.

“See? You can’t even answer. I just thought... I mattered.”

In the depths of her tired heart however, she knows she's looking for a reason to stop hoping and her brain only found such a destructive way to deceive her into it.

She sighs.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No Siyeon, listen-”

“Let’s just not waste our time on this and get back to work,” she interrupts dryly.

Seeing Bora struggling to even get notes out that day only makes her feel numb.

Would it have hurt more or less if she had left earlier? Because now, it’s already too late for damage control.

What she can’t say, she transposes to music. Back to her place, she lays down a few chords she’s had in mind for a while, creating a canvas for what would be ambitious to call a melody yet, a few plaintive notes her heart hums in response to the ache she feels at most. Her emotions are a mess, but maybe she can process them one bar at a time. The narrowness of her studio thus becomes a limitless scene of creativity. This time there's no Bora to suggest her ideas, however, she is the inspiration herself.

A hopelessly hoping Romantic, that's ridiculous. She needs to stop wallowing in her own drama, really.

"Lee Siyeon, stop right there!"

Bora striding over at an alarming speed is a common occurrence in her daily life at the company, but this time Siyeon is too late to react and find an escape route. As much as the willingly-induced distance has made her mind clearer, she’s not ready to handle another raging conversation. Unfortunately, Bora is already at her level when she turns around to see her friend, if it's even correct to refer to her as such, and she briefly questions her reaction since she recognized her from her voice only. Without letting her time to find an answer to this futile wandering of her mind or voice protest at the command, Bora grabs her arm and drags her to the nearest practice room.

Once Siyeon’s unceremoniously pushed inside in complete indifference from their colleagues passing by, the singer closes the door and leans against it with her hands behind her back. They’re in a vocal practice room, too small to be more than two meters apart, allowing Siyeon to finally take notice of the dark circles under Bora’s eyes, despite her not preparing a comeback at the moment. After a good minute of awkward silence spent staring at each other, Bora finally speaks.

“None of what you can read about me and Wonpil is true. I didn't say anything because there was nothing worth saying. Because you're the only one who completely makes me forget about my life as SuA, I didn't want to ruin that. You’re supposed to trust me, not what others say about me.”

Contrary to what she initially thought, the scene is so calm that Siyeon practically hears her own heartbeats pulsing through her chest, anticipating Bora’s every word.

“Really, he's a friend. A close friend, but that’s it. We've been used to cover something else, we didn’t even know before we saw the news. Please, it’s already hard enough having my private life exposed, reading all those comments about how I…” she doesn’t finish that part, quickly refocusing. “But if I lose you as well I..."

She pauses, unconsciously diverting her eyes while she searches for her words, looking frustrated and pleading when she finally looks back up, making Siyeon feel so miserable to be source of her affliction.

“Siyeon, you’re the most important person to me. I’m so sorry I can’t say more...”

Ironically, Bora is a woman of words, because she doesn’t say more and leaves the room, leaving Siyeon alone with her heart beating faster and that last sentence ringing in her head after the short encounter.

It can mean everything and nothing, because as long as it remains unsaid, nothing is real, nothing is false. She doesn't know what she's waiting for.

How unfair is she?

How unfair is this?

Yet, she stays.

What can you do when people slander you over something you don’t have control over? When they talk about you behind your back, or hidden behind the comfort of their screen? When you can’t talk back? When you can’t understand the reason why they would even do that?

Surely no one is a saint, and at one point in her life, even Bora must have pissed someone off given her impulsive nature. Does it give anybody else other than that poor soul, who might have deserved it anyway, any right to judge her? As far as Siyeon’s concerned, and well, excuse her, she definitely is, the idol didn’t commit any crime that would have her thrown in the lion’s den for a verbal lynching.

Truth is, Siyeon’s mind is blank as she sees Bora’s face turn to a crestfallen expression as she talks to Wonpil over the phone, but that’s probably what she would have thought.

The singer hangs up slowly, letting her hand still wrapped around the device fall back on the mattress with a soft sound. Seeing Bora looking so small and fragile right in front of her, worry takes over but Siyeon can only watch her wordlessly, waiting for her to say something.

“So... Apparently I’m gonna break up with Wonpil.”

That sure is a very unique and uncertain way of talking about your own fake relationship, which makes her raise her eyebrows to ask for details.

“Apparently?”

“His agency chose for us. I’m... problematic.”

The last part comes with difficulty. Bora closes her eyes and blows out air slowly through , inspires through her nose, then lets the air out again. She repeats the process several times, each time inhaling deeper, obviously trying to calm down.

“I hate it,” she whispers, but the room is too silent for Siyeon not to hear. Her face contorts to a sadder sight, one of dejection that’s so uncharacteristic of her it breaks Siyeon's heart. Her grip tightens, to the point she sees on her hand the outline of tendons popping out.

It only takes a few seconds for the phone to crash against the wall, making the younger woman startle at the sudden outburst. She turns her head to the device lying on the floor, most probably broken or at least well bashed up, an appropriate fate for this isolating instrument of distress.

“I hate it…”

The situation is all too familiar and once again, she holds Bora as tight as she can. She wishes it could be enough to take all her worries away.

"Why do they care so much?"

Siyeon would go in front of those people, try to understand what they gain from speaking such harsh words. Is it pleasure? Power? Reinsurance? Are they jealous? Lonely? Craving for attention? Whatever it is, the answer would probably be turned the other way around, blaming the victim instead of questioning themselves. Problem is, even if she were a real knight, she wouldn’t be able to slay the faceless ghosts polluting the Internet. Their immateriality is their deadliest attribute, she laments.

Bora can only lay low again to avoid spreading fire, as the ghosts’ greed is never satisfied.

If SuA smiles, they'll say she's was quick to forget she just ended a relationship, because it's inconceivable that Wonpil, a mutual decision, or their companies did. If she's sad, they'll say she deserved it and should have been more careful because such a negative reaction was expected after two scandals back-to-back. If she's honest, that she's just making up stories for redemption and putting on the sad face to guilt-trip the public opinion.

Bora certainly knows all that better than she does and that’s why she’s lost interest in pretty much everything. In the meantime, Siyeon can only be brave enough for the two of them in hopes the singer regains her full spirits soon. Among the myriad of feelings she goes through these days, seeing Bora becoming a shadow of herself is making her mad to no end, and not knowing to whom direct her anger is immensely frustrating. She’s punching the air and it’s as useless as it sounds.

She thinks everyday of what she can do with her limited options.

“Ms. Bora, wake up. Today we’re exercising.”

“Don’t want to.”

“As your vocal trainer I’m very offended to hear that, but that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to keep that hot body of yours in shape. You haven’t left your bed for the past few days, you need to at least do your stretches. Not gonna lie, I have a purely selfish interest in this training other than avoiding you a muscle tear when you dance again.”

Siyeon speaks in a very confident voice for her very inspirational purposes. Once she’s finished, she throws workout clothes right at the small bump on the bed, where Bora is curled up. Unsurprisingly, the evident disrespect doesn’t elicit the usual immediate reaction she would usually get when she annoys the older woman.

“Don’t want to…”

She sighs.

She misses the fierce Bora who would yell at her for making her repeat herself. However, she’s a woman with a mission, so she doesn’t get discouraged yet. She unrolls a first yoga mat and sets it on the floor, then a second one.

“I had a feeling you would say that. That’s why I’m gonna make it entertaining for you, by doing the stretches with you. Please be appreciative of my efforts and watch me struggle.”

She’s honestly not sure her strategy would pay off, and she was alr