T/W: slight mentions of homophobia

Eyes are the mirror of the soul. It’s a common saying and Bora understands it easily. They convey a lot of emotions: happiness, distress, anticipation, sympathy, concern, relief, hate, love, safety. Rather than words which are mere translations of an abstract state of feelings, eyes demonstrate it. Eyelids closing in disbelief, corners lifting slightly with happiness, pupils dilating with desire. How you look at someone can help you when words or actions fail you or betray you when you least expect it.

Gazes, glances, stares, looks.

They are a language of their own, one that Bora and Siyeon speak fluently.

Unfortunately, Bora doesn’t need to meet the public eye directly to know how they look at them.

‘[BREAKING] Solo artist SuA caught up in scandal regarding alleged relationship with vocal trainer’

‘Compromising pictures stir up controversy about solo singer SuA a few days before comeback’

‘Troubling pictures and past SNS posts raise questions regarding solo artist SuA’s relationship with singer Kim Wonpil'

‘Solo artist SuA caught up in controversy after pictures released on SNS’

The list goes on but the essence is the same. Newspapers and social networks are on fire with clickbait content and it doesn’t seem like it’ll stop any time soon. She tosses her phone on the table before letting herself plump back into the chair, shifting to find a comfortable position. She doesn’t need to see more of this bull. She messed up big time on this one, she'd almost deserve a standing ovation.

Next to her in the small meeting room, her manager paces around with a stern expression, visibly infuriated from the way his eyebrows are arched downwards, scrolling down on his own feed to check news statements.

“They keep talking about compromising evidence when all they really have is blurry pictures and assumptions.” He groans, then throws his phone on the couch. “This is not the kind of hype we need when your comeback is days ahead. I’m always impressed with the nonsense they can come up with so fast.”

Fast, that was the word. Pictures had just surfaced online a few hours earlier that journalists were already flooding the entrance of the company building hoping to catch a glimpse of her, or better, hastily record a few words. Not that she’d ever give them that pleasure, she thinks as she watches the crowd through the windows, spreading slightly the curtains so she doesn’t get caught by the cameras while doing so.

“The CEO asked us to stick to schedule, so you staying home till the comeback is out of the question. We’ll deny the rumours and proceed normally.” Her manager explains, sitting at the table in front of Bora. “But we also asked Siyeon not to come today, for obvious reasons. We’re calling our other coaches to see if they’re available. For now, vocal practice is postponed.”

“Can’t I just go to Siyeon’s place instead?” She suggests, more because she needs to see the woman and see how she’s faring with this situation than actually follow schedule. Of course, her manager knows what she’s up to and doesn't’ seem pleased with the proposition.

“Are you out of your mind? The last thing we need right now is to feed those sharks.”

“They don’t know her address. But they know mine and they’re already waiting downstairs, annoying the hell out of every single person who dare cross the door of the company. And for me as well. I don’t think I can keep my sanity knowing they’re all after me. We can just sneak out the building and pow! I disappear.”

He lets out a long sigh, massaging his temple as he considers her arguments. Trying to escape could be seen as cowardice but at the same time, having Bora confront the journalists herself would be giving too much importance to the matter.

“I know you just want to see her. You don’t care about the rest, do you?”

On the contrary. She cares, a lot. She’s worked so hard ever since she was a teenager, spent hours practicing through the night to overcome the looming doubt of not being talented enough to make it, voluntarily depriving herself from a normal life, all to become SuA, a renown solo artist who sweeps the chart at every comeback. Well, maybe not this one, she muses bitterly.

But how else is she supposed to react? A huge part of the job is not to let emotions through, and that’s precisely what she intends to do.

“I must act as if it doesn’t affect me, anyway,’ she shrugs. “And if I lose my career over this, I’ll only have my family and my friends left. I’m only human.”

The thought is unsettling for sure, having everything she’s strived for ripped from her in an instant. Of course, she’s thought about her life after she retires from the idol life, when only loyal fans will remember her and maybe, listen to her songs once in a while, driven by nostalgia and the memory of past times. She’s okay with that. Having recently reached what she thinks is the peak of her career, it’s something she thinks about often. It will happen, it is foolish to think otherwise, but in her mind it happens progressively, naturally, giving her time to adjust.

Not suddenly and because of… this.

“I know you care, I’m sorry.”

He closes his eyes and thinks about it for a few more seconds. They’ve known each other for a long time, but he’s been in business for far more than she has and has probably seen his fair share of fallen artists be forgotten. She hopes it doesn’t go as far as that, but she might lose a lot of support. For once, she just wants do do what she wants and seek the comfort of a friend.

He finally raises his head, resolute, grabs his laptop and starts typing.

“I’ll arrange something, just give me a few hours.”

To say that dance practice is a nightmare is an understatement, she thinks as she lies on the floor, arms and legs spread out like she’s floating on water. She can execute the movements perfectly, having long being carved into her memory, it’s not a problem, far from that. Heck, she’s the one who choreographed the routine. Her steps are precise, sharp even, but she isn’t satisfied. Her heart just isn’t there, her erratic thoughts undermining all the fun and passion she usually feels when she dances.

Right now, she wishes Siyeon would just swing by between two of her lessons just to tell her some encouraging words that makes her forget she’s tired, or by saying how Bora looks at her through the mirror instead of focusing on how she wants to deliver her performance, or bring her a drink and remind her that hydration is the first step to a healthy body and thus, voice.

Anything.

The practice room is full of Siyeon even though she’s alone with the music and she thinks she’s finally gone crazy because it really feels like the woman is looking at her, when she's not even in the building.  When she closes her eyes, she tries to imagine a life where no one would bother them. Maybe they should just elope to a deserted island together, if Siyeon wants to, of course. That doesn't sound too bad, they could just bring whatever they needed and live a sweeter life.

Thankfully, her suffering is cut short when her manager enters the room, a duffle bag slung on his shoulder.

“Get up, we’re leaving in ten.”

This is enough to give her a sudden burst of energy. She swiftly gets up and runs towards the shower rooms and ten minutes after, she meets with her manager, a new set of clothes on, in the parking lot of the company. She makes her way towards the car she usually rides on but her manager is quick to stop her.

“Don’t bother, we’re gonna get spotted right away with this one.” He turns around, lifting car keys towards a smaller vehicle. “We’re taking my car.”

That may have been the reason why he needed time.

“Wouldn’t see you as the type to own that kind of car, honestly.” She says as she opens the rear door.

With its round forms, bright red color and overall cute appearance, the vehicle seemed more fitted for a young female or a newly wed couple, quite the opposite of her manager used to drive black vans and black sedans for work and regularly gushing over sports cars.

“That’s precisely why. The best quality of a manager is their discretion.” He adjusts his cap before opening the bag he brought with him and hands the content to Bora. “Bless tinted windows, but you can never be too careful. Cover yourself when we exit.”

She looks at her right at the black blanket that lies on the seat. She puts on the glasses and pulls down on the hat just before they reach the surface. Thankfully, her hair is not extravagant this comeback or she would have needed a wig to complete the disguise.

Panic rises when she spots a few journalists waiting at the parking exit, right in the middle of the road so they can see through the windshield, where the tint is the lightest. She ducks just in time for them not to notice her, pulling the blanket over her body so that they only see an indistinct dark mass at the back. Her stomach hits the middle separation in the process and she winces in pain.

Soon after, her phones goes off and she immediately answers the call. As soon as the whole drama started she has set it so that only her family, her manager, Wonpil or Siyeon can reach her, so she doesn’t bother checking the id, it’s necessarily someone she’d be willing to talk to right now, even considering the lack of comfort of her position.

“Hey.”

The warm and gentle voice of Wonpil greets her.

“Hey.”

“I just saw,” he says without further elaboration. “How are you doing?”

“Rethinking my entire life decisions hiding on the floor at the rear of a car. Mayhaps I have a broken rib.”

“Ah, I see.” He chuckles. “As long as you’re not in the trunk, I guess that means there’s still hope for you then, you’re not being abducted.” He then switches back to a more concerned tone. “Should I be worried for you?”

Bora notices the car runs steadily now so she risks popping her head out of the blanket. Out the windows, there’s only the sky and buildings so she finally seats properly and puts on her seatbelt. At the front, her manager gives her an ‘OK’ sign to tell her they made it out safely.

“Well, you know you’d be the first one to know if I ever cheated on you, so not on that part. I still have principles. But,” she trails off, “your name might be associated with a lesbian cheater who’s so useless she hasn’t even actually done anything worth a scandal, so maybe?” She tries to say it playfully but fails miserably as her words choose this exact moment to get caught in . On the other side of the line, Wonpil patiently waits for her to continue.

“I’m scared.” She lets out quietly, eyes closed, after she regains control of her emotions. There is a lot on her mind but this is the only thing that she manages to get out.

“Shhh, shhh.”

His voice is soothing and reassuring but not enough to make her feel safe.

“They’ve got nothing on you, it’s just rumors… Things can only go forward for now. Let’s see how and then assess the situation. Good thing is - if I dare say, is that since nothing actually happened, our agencies can have our backs. I’m on your side, remember? It's gonna be alright.”

It still manages to make her forget briefly about what she’s escaping.

“Why are you so perfect?”

“If I were, you’d be in love with me and not with Miss ‘omg she’s a literal goddess’ Lee.” He teases.

“Ugh, I take that back, you’re annoying.”

“Your words, not mine.” He reminds her. It does sound like something she would say. “You said you were in a car. Where are you going?”

“To Siyeon’s. Show must go on and all that jazz.”

“Good, good. That’s the spirit. Don’t let them bring you down, that’s what they want.” He stops talking briefly and she hears muffled voices in the background. He took the time to call when he must be at work. “Listen, I’m sorry I also gotta go back to practice, but if you need me later, just call, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone.”

She can’t see him but she can perfectly picture the pout on his face. Maybe he’s right, in an alternate universe, Kim Bora would love Kim Wonpil, Kim Wonpil would love Kim Bora, and none of this would have ever happened.

“Thanks, I’ll text you.”

In this one though, she only has eyes for Lee Siyeon.

"Why aren't you married?"

Bora's question is the 'in your face' type of question, random, raw and almost insensitive yet void of any judgement. A passing thought that doesn’t require an answer, even. With how long they’ve known each other, she genuinely considers the man as a friend. That’s why she doesn’t really bother. Diplomacy usually is one of her most daily needed skill, but her state of mind isn't quite right at the moment for filters and appropriate wording.

Her manager thinks about it for a second, and if he is put off by the way she asked, he doesn't show it. His eyes remain focused on the road.

"I work too much, always dragging people around Seoul at ungodly hours. When would I even date?"

That sounds like an excuse because even Bora manages to 'date', even if her definition of the word might be biased given her occupation. She thinks of her and Wonpil and how she still enjoys the time they spend together, but maybe things are different when one lives a normal life.

"You're giving too much of yourself to work then. Look at you, you could have just told me to stay at the company. It's not like I have to see Siyeon to practice."

Truth is, she doesn't think a lot of the managers would have even heard her request. They would have complied to orders from the top management because well, that was the most logical decision and they were afraid of losing their job. That makes her curious.

"I know... but I kind of get attached to you guys." He says a bit embarrassed, a nervous laugh escaping his lips. "When I go home or on my days off, work is over, but for you idols it isn't completely. At home, you’d be catching up on popular trends, prepare special skills or whatever. Even a relaxing activity would be worth mentioning later in a live. Outside, you might get recognized, you must be careful of what you do at all times… You're the ones giving way too much of yourselves, that can’t be healthy.”

It reminds her of something Siyeon told her when they met. While she doesn't want to be charity work for others to pity, and even more since she does enjoy being a singer, it's nice to have people acknowledging your struggles. That’s probably the most she can ask for.

“Your case is even more difficult, you don't have group members with you at the end of the day to support you. How strong must you be to carry all this burdensome on your shoulders? You're admirable. You deserve to be happy, so if I can be of any help in that, I'll be happy to do so. I'd like to be able to do more, but for now I can't."

He pauses for a second, and quickly meets her eyes, understanding flashing on his face.

"I know you don't have to see her, but you really look like you need a break."

“Not gonna lie… It’s been a long day,” she says.

Even walking around the company is exhausting when everyone seems to be talking about what happened and turn their head in your direction when you pass by, another reason why struggling in the practice room alone had seemed a nice option earlier.

They finally reach Siyeon’s place after a while. As expected, not a camera, not a soul in sight waiting for them, making them both sigh in relief. Bora quickly grabs her her things and looks at her manager one last time before heading to the building entrance.

“You’re the best, you know? Please get some rest, too.”

Bora likes when things are neat and organized. She's always on time and it already occurred that she was the one yelling at her manager they had to leave this instant. That's probably why she feels overwhelmed with the events currently unfolding. She thought that a day like this would come but not like this and not right now. She isn't prepared, she doesn’t have control.

Siyeon's place is modest, which never fails to remind her that her own is way to big for one person, but a bit too messy for her taste. Every time she visits, she never fails to tidy up a bit, and her host is more than willing to let her.

It’s also a place where music is only music and not the overly decorated business she participates in. Instead of a spare room, Siyeon had a soundproof studio built with a piano and a recording system, where the woman spends a lot of her free time. She doesn't usually hold her lessons in there nowadays but earlier in her career, Siyeon has told her she taught a lot of kids of the neighborhood and she received complaints for the noise. She then argued that music isn’t noise, even if the kids may not be the next Mozart, and Bora agreed but that’s a debate for another time. With this, problem solved.

All in all, Siyeon’s place the best hideout she can escape to whenever she feels down, a little bubble separated from the world with the best company on Earth.

Somehow, she’s nervous when she knocks at the door. They have never really talked about it, preferring dancing around an issue that Bora knows is slowly but surely driving both them on the edge of sanity. Or rather, that they have endured because they can’t see a satisfying outcome, instead of trying to solve it together. There’s this nagging feeling she can’t shake off, that they won’t be able to avoid it anymore.

The first thing she notices is the relief in Siyeon’s eyes when the latter finally opens the door. Bora doesn’t hesitate and immediately lunges forward to hug the woman, throwing her arms behind the other’s neck. Siyeon responds by circling her waist and tightening their embrace even more, if that’s even possible. The pounding of their hearts in staccato makes the singer’s head spin but she still manages to hear the low voice close to her ear.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Her breath is heavy in Siyeon’s neck, as she tries to relax. She takes in her scent, relishing that Siyeon didn’t put on perfume today, and wishes time stops so they can stay like this forever. She doesn’t break the comforting embrace even when she feels the younger woman step back a little, followed by the sound of the door closing. They remain like that, holding onto each other in the entrance of the apartment.

"How are you?" Siyeon asks after a while, finally letting go but maintaining the closeness between them.

"I… None of this feels real, like it's just a very bad dream I'm going to wake up from. But I know it's not. I'm scared to be honest, but I also know I shouldn't let this affect me, because then I would give them more reasons to make a big deal out of it?"

She’s rambling but it’s honestly difficult to express her thoughts in actual words. Siyeon casts her gaze down for a moment and nods in acknowledgement.

“It’s going to be okay,” Siyeon says and Bora wants to believe her with all of her heart.

Siyeon gives her another hug, then finally takes a step back so that she faces her properly.

How about you? The idol wants to ask, but Siyeon starts talking first.

“Have you sung today?”

Shouting? Yup. Actual singing? Nope. Bora is a bit puzzled that Siyeon still wants to go through vocal practice but maybe she just needs to let it out by singing everything away, so she just shakes her head. Might as well try to see if it doesn’t end up in the same let down of a practice she had dancing earlier.

“Let’s start with warm ups, then.”

Siyeon gives a comforting squeeze on her arm before going to sit at the piano and she follows her. The vocal trainer lifts the cover and starts playing the scales that she would have to replicate. Turning halfway on the piano stool, she searches for Bora’s eyes, silently asking if she’s ready.

“Let’s go with ‘brrr’ first. Three, four.”

Bora inspires deeply, filling her belly with air. Then, gathering strength in her abdomen, she tenses her muscles and energetically blows the air out while maintaining shut so that her lips tremble. At the same time, she sings the note Siyeon plays on the piano. From an outsider point of view, the result surely looks ridiculous, and after years of doing it Bora still can’t help but smile at the beginning of their sessions, even if the exercice is the best to warm your vocal chords quickly. But today, she’s not smiling and instead a knot sits in her stomach.

“Your breath is short today.” Siyeon comments after a few runs. “You need to relax.”

“Easy to say.”

Bora starts drawing circles with her head and swings her arms in attempts to loosen up. How could she, though? Her thoughts are still all over the place. She is in a safe place, her haven of peace, yet she is still preoccupied by the outside.

She fears for herself. The way others see her shouldn’t matter but is she strong enough to not care?

She fears for her career. What she achieved professionally is meant to fade out at some point, but she doesn’t want to let go of it just yet.

More than anything, even if the other told her everything will be okay, she fears for Siyeon. This one goes beyond words.

“It’s just the two of us here. Forget everything else.”

She doesn’t reply, because she’s too tired to repeat herself and it won’t contribute anything new anyway. Her eyes follow the arm Siyeon extends when she places the palm of her hand on her stomach. Bora curses herself for flinching at the touch. On any other day she wouldn’t have minded, secretly enjoyed it probably, but right now she hates how it makes her heart beat faster and how it still makes her hope for something when that’s the last thing that should be on her mind. Then again, there’s no one else in here...

“Let’s try again. Inhale.”

Siyeon says and Bora complies. She knows it’s for Siyeon to feel the movements of her muscles and guide her better but her senses are in complete overdrive and it only makes everything ten times worse, to the point she feels her control slip away.

“Exhale. Don’t release the tension.” Bora closes her eyes to focus on Siyeon’s voice instead of her touch and tenses her abdomen again. Finally she regains her concentration. Siyeon doesn’t need to be singing or playing the piano to make music, her speaking voice has always been a comforting melody to Bora’s ears. “Harder. You’re letting too much air out at the same time.” She follows the instructions. “That’s better.”

Siyeon removes her hand, leaving the ghost of a touch linger. When Bora open her eyes, she reads concern on the other’s face.

“I wish I didn’t have to remind you this…” Siyeon trails off while taking one of Bora’s hands in hers. She briefly casts her gaze down before looking at Bora again. That’s the second time since earlier, she notices. There’s a hint of sadness on her face that Bora desperately wants to erase. “Who are you?”

“Kim Bora,” she says, without much energy. That’s not exactly what Siyeon wants to hear however. The other woman now looks at her expectantly, so she gives in. She runs a hand through her hair, letting out a sigh before continuing.

“I’m Kim Bora, a 25-year-old independent woman who wants to improve her singing technique.”

She says it louder, a bit more confidently this time, like she did so many times before and Siyeon’s expression softens at the familiarity of the scene.

“And who’s not in this room?”

“Singer SuA, the dumbest person on Earth.”

“I’d say the baddest but that’s only how I see it.” Siyeon says with a small smile. “I’m sorry.” She averts her eyes. “I thought singing for a while would take your mind off things. It usually does...”

People keep apologizing to her, somehow, when she’s the one who should say sorry for causing so much trouble, if anything. The thought hits her hard and at this moment, Bora feels something warm slide on her cheeks.

“But today is nothing like the usual…”

Next thing she knows, she’s crying on the couch cradled in Siyeon’s arms who draws circles on her back in a soothing manner, humming. Siyeon is nested in the corner of the sofa with her back between the armrest and the backrest, legs spread apart on the seats so that Bora can curl up against her. Her facade crumbled so easily. Her eyes are stinging, constricted and ugly sobs escape in a tragic complaint. The breakdown was inevitable. Every emotion she bottled up so far today, that has threatened to break out several times already, is now flowing freely, and becomes an ungracious stain dampening the fabric of Siyeon’s sweater.

How did it end up like this?

Things escalated quickly, to say the least.

Bora and Siyeon, over the course of their friendship, have always been clingy to each other. That’s something that even their colleagues have never questioned. But a while back, after an evening out just the both of them with a lot of drinking involved, Bora might have been extra clingy, letting go of her inhibitions, just enough for her to get her face dangerously close to Siyeon’s and her lips dangerously close to where it shouldn’t be.

Unfortunately, the pictures taken by the person who followed her that night were just at the right angle to cast doubt. Regardless of her own uality, Bora has always been supportive of all kinds of love so with a little digging on her social networks, the person managed to make up a ridiculous love affair between her and her vocal coach, supported by past posts that prove how much she was actually confessing her forbidden love to the other woman. They really wanted to bring her down given the amount of research they did, probably just waiting for her to slip up and provide the cornerstone for their made up story.

Simply preposterous, because that’s where it gets complicated.

Even if her memories of the night are blurry, Bora knows for sure they haven’t kissed. Despite how ambiguous their relationship is, that’s a line they never crossed. Because never would she forget kissing the woman she desperately yearned for.

Bora and Siyeon have known each other for roughly three years. They start off as colleagues, when Siyeon is employed right after her she graduates and SuA has been gaining a lot of attention from the public. She has some experience performing already but Siyeon’s exceptional technique makes her want to outdo herself and learn from the younger woman. It’s sane emulation, really. They look at each other with respect and admiration for their respective achievements. Well, maybe not exactly at first impression.

“It may sound like a rude r