TW : mild mentions of suicide

He was a dream my thoughts would bury once I open my eyes. He was a wish I'd never utter upon any circumstances. He was a pleasure to touch, a fantasy to taste. I reached another place within his embrace, a place of desire and out of body senses. He was the forbidden fruit that would send me down to devastation and yet... I was so, so in love. And under the night sky, he was perfect.

When I fell back from the clouds he was laughing under me. I couldn't think nor move my limbs. He kept laughing. Like he's possessed. I saw his sharp teeth. Lined up like a saw. More laughter crashed my ears, not from his lips. Just like that night, they sound devilish and dark. I started to tremble. He stopped laughing. His glowing white eyes gazed into my soul and deep under my sins. Long, pointy tongue slipped out his opened mouth. a wet cold line on my neck. I shivered.

"I love you." I whispered. The words pulled out of my chest like a ship's anchor.

"I know." He smiled.

His voice distorted in my mind. It sounded like many people talking at once.

But he pulled me closer. Into his hold. And I melted to him because he was my fire. The power to my life. I drop myself to him and let his cold body trickle my skin. I never managed to warm him, he always got me colder instead.

"Dearest. You've done well. Take a rest."

I couldn't speak and before I knew it pain blasted on my shoulder. A strong, deep bite that felt like it tore deep, reaching into my bones. I screamed in agonizing pain like never before, but what accompanied my voice was the devilish laugh. Laughter as I feel another stinging of cuts on my back. Hundreds of it, like scratched by small knives. Sharp claws. I grasped on the sheets, feeling blood gushing out of me.

“Save me—“ I choked before my eyes gave up and pulled black curtains on my view. I felt cold. And colder. And colder.

I dreamt of the oak tree. But without him. The oak tree rotted and wither in front of my very eyes, and I wailed. I looked around and everything slowly crumbled into death, into destruction. The green grass where he’d sit with me under the warmth of the sun. The blue sky that would give me the beauty of the world in my dream turned dark and ominous. The sun stopped blazing like it’s a blown out candle. I held my thumping head as I aimlessly run around in my dream. Only to find everything turning a shade of black and grey. I called for him. My mouth formed a name but I couldn’t hear my own voice. My heart broke. Like I knew what it all meant, but I couldn’t form words to describe it.

It’s over. I am over.

I looked up at the sky now completely black. And the moon... seeming bigger than it should be—slowly splits into two directions. They formed another two, giving light in the darkness of oblivion. The three moons my energy. It came closer. And closer to me. Somewhere along the way, I thought it would last. I yearned it to last. He was everything and he still was. I run around my memories, trued to find my fault. Tried to find a reason why I am meeting the end of my peace. Of my love.

“I love you... so much...”

“I know.”

I woke up with a gasp. I fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom after my brother locked me in. I slowly raised from the cold floor, pain all over my bones. I couldn’t even remember falling asleep, I thought I’d be awake all night after what I witnessed. I looked at the windows, sun already way up. It was perhaps the midday. I slowly walked up to my door, uncertainty upon my brother’s behavior still looming behind my back. I took a deep breath before touching my doorknob. And was halted by his voice.

“Rosie..” He mumbled.

Alarmingly close to the door. I gasped, my body jumped back in retaliation. I was still very much scared of him. He was odd, in the most worrying way.

“Rosie...” He whispered.

He sounded weak. My heart was thumping very loudly against my chest, I looked around for something I might need to defend myself with. Or perhaps a place to hide.

A sob. A small, heartbreaking sob. Nothing I would ever imagine coming from my brother. Not even when our parents were declared to be dead.

“M-Matt?” I whispered.

“Rosie... They disappear...” He cried. His voice breaking. He sounded so miserable all the fear manifested in me crumbled and fell onto the ground.

“Matthew? Brother, what’s wrong?” I walked closer to the door, put my palm flat against the old wood.

“It hurts so much... I’m gonna die—“ He choked on his sob. He seemed to be in pain and my guts churned.

“Matthew what happened?? Opened the door!” I panicked. I held on the doorknob, turning it harshly.

Matthew stopped talking and I banged the door.

“Matt! Let me out!”

A small, weak thud hit the door. And I put my ears on it.

“They’re gone... mother and father... he took him away again.” He chuckled. I frowned.

“Rosie... I was so silly was I? I should’ve known... I should’ ve—“He hissed in pain “That it won’t stay... the illusions. And now it’s gone, I feel like... I feel...”

Tears stained my cheeks before I hear his words. What happened to my brother? My family.

“Rosie... What have I done wrong? Why wouldn’t he stay with me? He took away... everything...”

Outside, Matthew held on his chest. He felt a painful burn all over his body but mostly on his heart. It’s thumping without a rhythm. A mess. His back was filled with deep, long scratches from sharp claws. Their sharp claws. The messy bite wound that almost pulled on his whole shoulder still ooze blood, it’s hot and stinging with every move he made. Matthew slowly sunk to the floor as he talked to Rosie on the other side. His heart in pieces. Mind in the dark clouds. Body in the devil’s painful grip.

His eyes couldn’t even focus anymore. His sight was merely colors and a blur of shapes. He knew what was coming. And he spent every second in pain and guilt.

“Brother I don’t understand...” I cried. I sat on the floor behind the door. Heard his voice clearer like this. I imagine him on the floor. Perhaps injured, from the messed jumble of words I could make out of his talking.

“Please, just let me out... Let me see you, I will help you...” I sobbed.

“Rosie... I met him in the sea.”

And I halted my breathing. My heart ached and rush at the memory of that nightmare I buried deep inside. I lived my days in faith that it was indeed just a mere nightmare. Foolish.

“Who?” I asked with a trembling voice.

“Him... my love...” Matthew’s voice sounded like he was smiling. And it made me shiver.

“Rosie you wouldn’t understand. He was a beauty. He was... He—He said he’d give me everything, Rosie. And he did, he gave me...” A halt of words, I dread the sight of my brother. Was he badly sick? Or hurt?

“He gave me your happiness... And sights of them... And it was... everything, sister...”

Me? I started putting puzzles pieces and added myself to the map. It was a curse, I knew it in the deepest part of me. But I am human and all we do is deny the truth we feel inside for a pinch of pleasure and peace. No matter how fake and weak it is. An illusion of our parents, gracing us like a dream. I knew it was something wrong, I knew it was. But what did I do? I was weak, I gave up to my failure of standing above my grief. And closed my eyes against the demons who spit on our minds.

“You smiled again, Rosie. It felt like my world... It is moving again. I thought I finally have the right to smile too.”

I took a deep breath, trying to lessen the shake in my voice to no avail.

“Matt you need to let me out. This instance, please.”

“Rosie I can’t let you see me... You’ll cry.”

His words felt like a knife right through my chest.

“W—Why? Are you hurt? Matt, tell me what happened to you!!” I began to grow more and more desperate. I looked around the room and decided I must break the door if I have to.

“Rosie... If I don’t make it—“

“No! Don’t you say another word.” I yelled, hands scrambling around my drawer.

“Please live well. Let go of mother and father. Leave this house... Alright? Leave it and the memories of our parents be.”

I pulled out all my clothes, take out boxes of old trinkets I had in my childhood. Wishing something would be of help.

“Yes, we’ll leave this house. You and me both!”

“Rosie... Don’t go to the sea...”

I halted my movement. I glared at the door.

“Matthew. It’s him, isn’t it? The monster?”

He made no answer.

“The white hair. White-eyed. Did he taint you with a curse?”

He was silenced. I gripped on the box so tight, guilt and fear crushed me in one blow. Look where my weakness has brought me. If only I tried to make some sense upon the illusions we see, and not swim in the false truth instead. I discard the box and moved to the desk. My eyes caught an old almost rusty scissor I kept in the drawer and I took it. I didn’t know what I’d do with it but it’s a sharp point and I was about to walk up to the door as I said,

“I will save you from him. From that wicked mons—“

“DON’T YOU CALL HIM THAT!”

And once again, I froze. His voice... My brother shifted into someone I couldn’t recognize yet again.

“You... You don’t know him, you haven’t even seen him! He was... A warm soul...” He snapped. And something in me stirred. Perhaps my weakness gave away, the love for my only left family member finally taking ahold of my thoughts.

“You are blinded.” I said. Slowly walking towards the door, fighting my fear.

“He turned you mad, brother. Matthew... my Matthew would never lock his sister like this. Would never threaten someone, let alone hold a weapon against them!”

“Rosie you understand nothing...”

“Yes! I do not. I don’t understand why that thing is holding us hostage under his spell like this!” I snapped back at his words. I was angry. At myself, perhaps.

“If it weren’t for him... I would’ve shot myself months ago, sister.” Matthew whispered.

I felt my heart fell to my stomach, leaving a hollow in my chest. I shook my head and I tried to jumble the lock with the small scissor.

“Rosie, I was so lost. I felt my world crumbling beneath my feet and he was my savior!! He gave me back my family, my sanity—“

“He did not!”

“You are not one to talk, Rose!” He screamed, “If it weren’t for his blessing you would’ve killed yourself in grief because you’re selfish!”

I stopped once more. His words rang true to my ears and it broke my heart to a million painful pieces.

“I... was in the brink of madness... I lost my parents and you were drifting away before my very eyes! I was alone with you by my side, because to you I was nothing!!” Matthew hit the door very loudly with his fist I flinched.

“I’m sorry—“ I sobbed “Matthew, please, I was... I didn’t know what to do...” I broke down.

“All you had to do,” I heard his footsteps, weak and stumbling “Was look at me, Rose... Move on from our grief with me... And perhaps remembered if you ever cared about your brother at all.”

“No, Matthew you got it all wrong! I do care, I'm just--”

“He came to me when you wouldn’t... He talked to me, he held me. Unlike you. You left me alone.”

I fell down to the floor, crying. I felt it all coming back to me, crushing my bones. Painful. I realized how much their illusion has treated my wounds. It may be fake but the lessening of my pain was real. It was temporary nonetheless. And now, in the end, I am back to zero. Perhaps even further back, realizing how much I hurt my brother upon hurting myself. I was... selfish.

Matthew stared at the bathtub full of water. He’s been there, frozen for hours. He dipped his finger inside, wishing for something. Anything. Another chance to see his lantern. But none of his wishes were granted, and his body was withering faster than ever. He felt cold. And weak, the weakest he’s ever been. He’s dying and he knew it.

Matthew left the bathroom, fell miserably on the doorway as if he’s a puppet whose string got cut. The world spun. He felt so cold and alone. His thoughts fly back to his poor sister. Crying in her room, locked like a prisoner. Drizzled with poison her brother spill on her. Matthew let tears stain the floor he weakly laid upon. He whispered apologies, begs. Prayed that somehow his words would reach her.

“I’m so... so sorry, Rosie. You were not selfish, dear sister... It was... The world... against us...”

I was looking down the balcony, the day already turned to night. I couldn’t possibly jump down, I concluded. But it’s the only way out. I must escape. I needed to sneak out, reach the stable, and ride Magna to the city. Seek help for Matthew. I decided to take ahold of my grief and ride it to another day. Not let it grab me by the hair and pull me until it burns. Not anymore. For Matthew. The last of my name.

I looked around my room. Messy clothes on the floor, ones I pulled out to search my wardrobe. A spark of idea visited me, charmed by the novel I read once. I started tying my clothes together, tried making it into a rope to climb down. I have never done such a thing but I must try. It was then when I heard the front door open harshly on the first floor. I flinched, my hand stopped working on the rope of clothes. I slowly raised myself and walk to the window. Peeked outside with a thundering heart. Matthew walked out. In slow, weak steps.

I still regret the time it took me to realize what was happening. The time I could’ve saved to reach him instead. To pull him into my arms and tell him to ignore the calls of the sea. Could I have screamed louder? Would it help at all? Could I’ve just jumped down the balcony? Could I have run faster towards him?

My own screams were deafening that night. Must’ve scared Magna in her stables. I ran barefoot, ignoring any sting of pain from stepping harshly on sharp rocks and jumping from the balcony, the unfinished rope of clothes barely handling my weight. He was so close to the edge. So close. My heart forgot how to function. I caught the slightest glimpse of hope when he turned around. His eyes... it was my Matthew. The same Matthew who bought me books so I would feel better. The same Matthew who lied to mother, saying it was he who forgot to keep the rabbits in their cage the other night when really it was me. The same Matthew who taught me how to read when mother got too busy, because he wanted me to able to read magnificent storybooks. The same Matthew who smiled at me, every time, simply because I happened to be born as his sister. Because he loved me. My Matthew.

“Matthew!!” I screamed. Just before his eyes turned white. White as the moon, white as the creature I met in my darkest night. And he turned his back to me once more. Showed me the sickening scars on his back. And jumped off the cliff.

That night I truly, in all senses, lost everything.