Rosie woke me up with her screaming. She was wet all over, such a mess. She must’ve reached the bathroom and soaked herself with the filled tub water last night, how could I not realize? I couldn’t remember much past... him. I woke up in my bed the next day, the sun already up. Rosie was so shocked, perhaps her nightmare got too intense that night. I calmed her down and told her the truth about the sleepwalking.

Going to town with Rosie gave me a moment of rest. Sounds of people, music from the pubs, a horse pulling a carriage. It all pulled me to times when I still felt like I’m moving along with the world. It made me a little bit happy that the world is indeed still alright. Rosie smiled for the first time after a while that day and I thought... this is the turning point. From now in things will heal. Things will go the right way. The price of my curse was still nowhere felt and understood.

When I first saw my mother again, I knew it meant something. The sight of her, her sweet voice... I realized I didn't mind. The cost of having a part of me owned by the inhuman soul, anything it might be... I accepted it. Seeing an illusion of my father, smiling at his horse in the yard. The smell of his tobacco filling the house in the afternoon. I accepted it. Rose looked instantly better. Dazed at first, and scared. But she kept saying that perhaps it's our parents. Perhaps it's really them. Coming back as voices and sightings to take care of us. It almost felt like she’s negging me to let the illusions stay. I could only smile at her. Of course, I would, it was mine after all. My gift.

She stopped sleepwalking. She started to eat more. She smiled. I felt my life have meaning again. It's not all struggle and loneliness anymore. I have my days not so quiet anymore and I slowly spend it smiling again, though I feel more fatigued each day.

He appeared in my dreams, every night, without fail. But he appeared as a human. His hair black as coals and short, often wearing a white shirt and brown leather pants. Feet and pale against the green grass.  I'd start the dream with my head on his lap, as we sit under the oak tree behind the house. The sound of waves far away from us. He'd my hair gently, humming a song with his pretty voice. I got used to him.

Another night we'd be walking on a valley of green, his hand holding mine. I asked him over and over, where are we going? What’s happening to me? But he wouldn't talk. After what felt like forever, he turned around. Smiling with his pretty rosy lips. And kissed me. I kissed him back without thinking. Like it’s what I had to do, I did it naturally.

There was a lady I fell in love with, back in town. A brunette with a beautiful smile, selling apples in front of the leather shop. I gave her a flower once, picked it from mother's garden. But since him, I stopped feeling a thing when I see her. If anything, her apples reminded me of his rosy lips instead. And I felt too exhausted to stay too long in town. I rode Magna home as soon as my job is done, and dip my head under the water in the bathroom.

I feel him whenever I touch the water. I feel him. And soon, I’d miss him. He became my anchor, the weight that reminded me that I'm alive. That this is all real. My mother might be an illusion and my father is but a shadow, but Rose is real. Her smile is real.

He is real.  All of this is his gift. I am alive and I live day by day, protected by his illusion. I felt safer at home where the air is tainted with his spells and whispers of songs. The house smells like salt sometimes and it reminded me of the sea. Of him.

Of my dearest.

My dearest.

In my dream, I kissed him with love. With my heart. My thankful heart grew into affection for his kindness. His blessing upon me. His smile became contagious to my own. I held him close and felt his skin. Smooth and velvet against my rough hand. His dark hair, darker than the night felt soothing between my fingers. I told him I don't want to wake up if he won’t be there. I don't want him only in my dreams. He smiled against my embrace. Against my desire that won't die down.

“As you wish.”

I woke up with a fever. And without him. I was upset and lost. I felt so tired and spent yet I haven’t done anything. Rose got worried at me, tried her best to help me but the thought of her away from home got me anxious. Nowhere is safe except home. She should stay inside, she must stay. I was silly to trust her and let myself rest in the hope to see him in dreams again. I woke up again with an empty house and mind instead. Rose and her reckless mind, it always got me in trouble. I felt my head thumping in hot anger. Why couldn’t she listen to me? Just one time. I walked up to Magna’s stable, almost tripping against fallen tree branches. The yard is messy, I couldn’t handle all of it myself.

Magna is gone and my head felt like it’s about to explode. I started banging my head on the wooden post, I couldn’t stand the pain. Until a cold embrace enveloped my back. Around my stomach.

“Don’t hurt yourself...” He said. The immediate soothe upon his voice was mad.

I turned around, finding him. Black hair, rosy lips. Eyes hazel brown. Like mother’s eyes. Full of life, he looked like autumn.

“You’re here.” I could only whisper. His presence lifted all my worry.

He smiled. Touched my hand and brought it upon his face. Smooth, silky skin under my rough hand. I timidly took my hand away, causing him to frown.

“My hands, they’re... rough and ugly. It will hurt you.”

For a split second his eyes changed. The glint of white, ghastly eyes showed itself. But he smiled so warmly it never crossed my mind anymore.

“You’re perfect.” He whispered before pulling my face closer to his. A close distance to his eyes got me dizzy again but it was not uncomfortable. Nothing ever felt wrong about him anymore.

“Dear... Someone is coming...” He said.

I frowned, “Who?”

“Someone who’s trying to hurt me. And for that... Rosie too...”

He disappeared after those words. With the wind, like a dry leaf. His words were a spark of fire and I was but a barrel of bomb. I couldn't go to town but rose will come back, so I head to father's working room and took the shotgun he kept on the wall. I searched his dusty desk for the bullet and found exactly one in his drawer under some papers. I put them in and waited on the porch. My sight hazy, I'm seeing two shadows of things. And then the cold, gentle hand held mine above the shotgun.

"If people find out... they'll take me away."

"I won't let them." I said. I felt his leaning head on the back of my shoulder.

"I trust you."

Seeing Magna rode by someone else, a stranger, it made me feel so betrayed. I thought she was being sensitive because other horses are gone. She's alone in the wide stable. I made all sorts of reasons why Magna seemed to hate me. But seeing her so calm under someone else, it ticked me off like no other. Rose ran to me looking worried and scared. She was wary of the shotgun I knew, but u couldn't give a care. I don't feel anything but anger. I yelled at Rosie and she flinched. The smallest hint of guilt struck me when she ran past me to the house. I'll apologize later.

"Matthew, what happened son?"

"What do you mean, doc?"

"Matthew, your father and I.. I knew him since we were young. Please, I am here to help you kids. What's going on with you, you look sick... You lose so much weight."

"Thank you for the concern, doc. But I'm fine. Would've been better if Rose listened to me and stayed home."

"I understand your worry but Rosie was only trying to help. And you... You do seem like you need help." The doctor approached me in small steps.

"I'm scared. He's trying to hurt me."

I raised my gun almost immediately. The doctor was clearly shocked, his whole body froze.

"Stay out of my house."

"Matthew... son, please calm down."

"I am—" my head is thumping, it's louder than me "I am calm."

"Please tell him to leave."

"Doc, please leave."

“Son, You need help,”

"You only need me and Rosie."

"Leave, doctor. Or I'll shoot."

I locked Rosie in her room. I can't trust her anymore. I planned to put my father's shotgun back to the wall. But I changed my mind and put it under my bed instead. My body felt hot and uncomfortable, I thought I need a bath. The moment I sink myself to the cold bathtub water, I felt relieved. My eyes stared at the water like I turned to stone. Unmoving. Unfeeling.

Black. The water turned black. I kept watching it with no care. Until he emerged from the water. Milky white skin, rosy lips. Hazel eyes. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"He's gone now. Don't be scared." I said.

"You protected me." He hummed.

"And I always will." I kept my gaze on his eyes. I remember how I got so angry. I almost shot the doctor right between his eyes. And it started to scare me. I raised my hands from the water, stared at it like it's tainted.

"Dearest... My dearest." He held my hand with his long fingers, smooth and cold against mine.

"What is happening to me?" I asked.

"Nothing, dear..."

"I feel sick. And... And angry, I don't understand.."

"Kiss me... You'll get better."

I looked up at him. His rosy lips inviting me. And I blurted it out without thinking.

“I love you.”

He smiled. As if he knew, as if he’s inside of me and he knew every single thing that I feel and yearn.

“Of course you do.” He whispered.

Yes. He’s right. Of course, I do, why wouldn’t I? He’s everything in my life now. My anchor, the hands that kept me in this world. The voice that kept my feet walking. I leaned closer and kiss his lips. Soft and cold as always. Enchanting, just like everything else about him. When I opened my eyes, he has changed. His hair long and white. Down to where it meets the water and floats on it. Filling the tub with white. The fingers holding my hand has now has claws. Long and sharp. Also his eyes. White... glowing white. Like the first time we met. I gently touched his cheek, tried my best to touch him like a feather. I didn’t want to hurt his beautiful skin.

“You changed...” I whispered. And he leaned into my hand where our skin met.

“Do I scare you like this, love?” he asked. His eyes my breath.

And I smiled at him, his question silly to my mind.

“Why would I be?”

His smile grew once more. He kissed my palm and rose from the water. His body made me stir. He left the tub, his long hair that reached his ankle gracefully followed. I could only stare until he opened the bathroom door and walked out, and I finally followed. I step on the wet footsteps he left behind. He walked up to the second floor and I couldn’t let my eyes stray away from his beautiful back. He was godly.

He entered my room and I followed him. Wind came blowing out of nowhere, shutting the candle beside my bed. I closed the door and came closer to his back, facing the window and staring at the moonlight. I touched his shoulder, ran my hand down to his arms and memorize how his kiss felt with all in me. I kissed his shoulder and the coldness against my lips felt pleasant.

“Beautiful.” I whispered.

He turned around. His eyes glowing white inside the darkness of my bedroom.

“You’re a lovely... lovely man.” He said with a smile. I saw his teeth, glinting. It looked like rows of fangs but it concerned me not. Love is bigger than fear. And I was madly, crazily in love.

He pulled me by the neck and it. Claws sharp against my skin perhaps it tore.

“Love me, dearest.”