I'm strumming guitar strings for you

I'm singing love songs for you

Can't you see I'm spellbound?

I like you

If ever I say those words now

Would you hear them out?

 

 

The last day in Nico's house was definitely the saddest.

I didn't actually go home nor sleep and spent another four hours at Nico's house to complete the manuscript. Nico said Rachelle would not come here for today as she needed sleep, and so I didn't expect her to come.

I finished it an hour earlier and bade goodbye to Nico.

 

“I'll let you know once we started planning for a hangout.” Right. I told him what I and Rachelle talked about.

“Sure. See you again, Nico.”

“See you.” And with that I saw Nico's final smile.

***

I never had contact with Rachelle again. I texted her but she never texted back. I also have my pride, so I never went to the hotel where she was staying and never called nor visited Nico's house to get information.

Maybe that morning will be the last time I would ever see her again. Maybe it was because of pride. Of mine and hers.

On a Thursday afternoon I received several missed calls and a text from Nico. Call me if you're not busy, he said, but I was, so I called him after finishing the arrangements with our producers and bandmates.

 

“What's up, Nico?” I asked after he answered the phone.

“I have some good news for you.” He said in an excited tone.

“Ahuh.” I nodded, “and what is it?”

“They called it off — Rachelle and Hojun. Rachelle said they remained friends. I knew she would find a way!”

“Okay, so what are you implying?”

“You could confess now, duh!”

“But Nico, I don't think we still have something, you know, some relationship. Even as friends. Besides, she could do it to me too after. Date me and then call it off — you two could do it to me, right?”

“I just wanted her to call it off with that man because I don't think dates as payment for favors is moral. Especially if you don’t like your date. And as for Rachelle, I feel she has feelings for you too.” I didn’t know if I just imagined the last statement, but it made me smile, big time.

“But why do you want Rachelle to date me?” I asked, not wanting him to feel that I’m smiling like an idiot and kind of lost for words.

“Well, I know you’re a good man, plus I want to support my friend.” I imagined him shrugging. “Anyway, Hojun invited Rachelle to Ganghwa and she is planning to tag me along. You want to come with us?”

***

It was cramped in the car, but at least Rachelle was beside me

We were on our way to Ganghwa. Hojun and his sister, Heejin, were in front with Hojun driving the car. The job was supposed to be for Nico, but he insisted that he was tired and just wanted to sleep during the trip with his head on the window. If I knew he just wanted to secure my seat beside Rachelle.

I know Nico is with me.

Rachelle was sitting at the rightmost part of the car and I was sitting beside her. She had her earphones like the usual and tapping on her phone, not minding that I was beside her.

I was happy when Nico said that Rachelle likes me, but sometimes I wonder if that was true. She greeted me a while ago and smiled at me, but she never talked to me.

Maybe Nico is really with me, but maybe he's bluffing me or giving me false hope.

Rachelle took a breath a stopped typing. She then looked at the window beside her, and then at me. She smiled, but I was left there with my jaw hanging. Oh my God, did she feel I was staring at her?

Why was I even staring at her?

She could think I'm weird!

I'm not usually this way. I'm not—

 

“Rachelle-ssi, you should stop writing. It'll hurt your eyes.” I heard a voice from the driver's seat that suddenly made me frown.

 

Hojun looked all right and has good morals, I’m giving him credits for that. Nico said he is a prosecutor, and he learned about Rachelle through her sister, and requested for a date with her through their scriptwriter because he was curious. Nico also informed me that he called it off because he’s not a fan of long distance relationships.

Still, his eyes tell me that he still likes Rachelle.

I looked at him and he was looking at Rachelle through the rearview mirror, smiling.

 

“And you should stop caring too much about me.” Rachelle took off her earphones and smiled back at him.

“Hmm, even friends should care for each other.” Houjun's stare shifted from Rachelle to me. “Right, Younghyun-ssi?”

 

He’s okay, but still he’s pain in the as*.

 

“Yeah, whatever.” I replied. Rachelle was still smiling, but she was looking at me seriously.

“What's the matter?” She whispered to me, and maybe I was imagining but I could hear concern in her voice.

“Could you stop talking to him?” I whispered back, and she just looked at me. I regretted what I said. Maybe now she's thinking I'm harsh and stifling.

“No. I can't.” She said, pouting, before putting her earphones back. I cannot do anything about it.

 

Her stare shifted to the window. Sunlight was pouring to her face, but she never cared and instead she started smiling as if everything outside of the car was giving her happiness — the horrible urban view and the sunlight included. As if happiness for her was that easy.

Maybe it was for her, that is why she doesn't seem to have a problem. Maybe that is why she rarely gets angry or doesn't want, if possible, to fight. Because she finds happiness in simple things.

Somehow I didn't get it. She is a public figure like me, so I was so sure that we don't get happy easily. We have so many pressures in our work and even our whole existence were criticized non-stop. So I don't know why it was so easy for her to just not get angry and just smile.

I'm liking her more because of that.

After some minutes of staring at the window, she started dozing off. Her head was leaning ever so slightly to the window, and in one wrong turn from Hojun, her head will—

And there he went. Hojun maneuvered the car to the left, and that made Rachelle's head lean on my shoulder. I looked at her for a moment and then I smiled inwardly and imagined patting Hojun's shoulder thankfully.

I didn't get Rachelle's head off me, of course, and ravished this rare moment. I don't even know if this is rare, and still I can't get enough of her scent and of the feeling I was having every time our bodies touch even for a bit. Maybe I have a few things to be happy of, but I never knew that a foreign woman would make me happy like this. Maybe it was because she was not a toxic person herself?

I breathed and relaxed so she could sleep more comfortably.

 

After like forty minutes or so she rose and looked at me briefly. “Sorry.” She said. I didn't know what I did or how I looked; I just heard myself saying that it was fine. She nodded and leaned her head on her headrest. She breathed and closed her eyes again and stayed like it for some few minutes before Hojun took another turn and parked the car.

I woke both Rachelle and Nico before going down. We first went to Hojun and Heejin's townhouse, which overlooked the harbor, for us to drop our belongings, and then we went for a walk.

***

We came back at night. We were done arranging our own things in our rooms and we started to unpack our food supplies when Hojun had announced, “We lack salt, pepper and soy sauce. Who wants to buy outside?”

Rachelle went beside him and checked our supplies with him. “Is that all that you need?” Hojun smiled as he let Rachelle do her thing.

“Well, that's all for now.”

“Ey, you should list down everything we need so we could buy them all at once.” She went back looking at the box of food supplies. After a while she looked at Hojun. “Salt, pepper, soy sauce, garlic, sesame seeds, eggs. I'm gonna buy some meat too.”

“Oh, you know what, that's also what I'm thinking.” Hojun clapped hands with her and they both smiled from ear to ear.

 

I'm kind of jealous.

 

“Unni, how about I go with you?” Heejin asked Rachelle and the two stopped smiling as Rachelle looked at the only child in the group.

“Uhm, but Heejin, it’s night already.” Hojun's voice came like a careful warning. Heejin was about to speak her defense, but Rachelle did not let her.

“Your brother's right, Heejin.” Rachelle smiled sweetly. Heejin frowned but she cannot do anything about it. After all Heejin really looked up at Rachelle and value everything she says. Hojun looked at her thankfully, about to volunteer, but Nico raised his hand.

“I'll just go with Rachelle.” Nico suggested before Hojun could suggest otherwise. “Oh wait, I don't want to go outside anymore. Brian, how about you go with her?”

My mind went blank. “Me...?” I asked as I pointed myself. “Uhm...”

“It’s fine, I could go on my own.” Rachelle looked at Nico meaningfully before smiling at me.

“No—”

“I could go.” I pulled myself together and volunteered before Hojun can speak more. He breathed and glared at me, and I shrugged before standing up and going to Rachelle. “Shall we?”

“Okay.” She said, not noticing anything, and faced Hojun one last time, “Hojun-ssi, where is the nearest store here?”

“Two blocks away from here.” He said, his face now blank. “Just walk straight and then turn left after you see a flight of stairs on your right.”

“Thanks.” Rachelle smiled and nodded at me, allowing me to go with her.

 

I opened the door and gates for her and we started walking. I could drive for her, but I never said I could drive or I have a license so I could be alone with her for a longer time.

 

“It's good to see you and Hojun together.” I started. “You really look like a couple.” I breathed and urged myself to smile and not puke at what I just said.

 

Younghyun, why are you so nice?

 

“We're not a couple.” Rachelle scoffed. “Didn't Nico tell you? We've decided to be friends.”

“Oh.” Now that it came from Rachelle, joy started filling my heart — I could jump in front of her. Thankfully I stopped myself before I did. “Is it fine with you? You seem to like him.”

“Well, I don't exactly like Hojun...” She trailed off and then she looked at me. I stopped my ear-to-ear smile by then, and looked back at her as she bit her lower lip. It was like she was thinking of something. “Although he's nice. Too nice. So I realized, I should not make him sad.”

“He likes you, you know?” I said. She raised her brow.

“How did you know?”

“The way he looks at you.”

“Nah, he doesn't like me that much.” She shrugged, smiled and looked at the ground. “I know he likes me, he told me that, but not that much. I know he believes he would see someone better than me.” She looked at me again, smiling. “That's why he let me go and decided we should be friends instead.”

“He wants to clear your relationship while the feelings are not yet deep.” I said, more like to myself, but voiced it out.

“Exactly.” She nodded. “It's good that he did it.”

 

I looked at her, thinking about what Nico had said. He's right about her. She wants a clear relationship, be it friendship or dating.

But I didn't know how to confess. Hell, I don't even know what to do after confessing. We'd date? Okay maybe, then what afterwards? She'd leave me?

I breathed and brushed off those bugging thoughts as we continued walking. We turned as Hojun instructed and saw a small store right away. Rachelle entered first before me, and we both selected what we needed. Thankfully the store has also meat. Not prime, but still beef, so we could still have a barbecue party.

She then bought some ice cream pops, and we ate ours as we went back home. By then we were talking about our personal lives, how I am living without my parents and she's travelling without hers. I discovered that she was the first born, she's a daddy's girl, she always argues with Nico but she considers him her best friend, and she laughed when I told her I thought she and Nico were a couple. I could almost feel that we two were in a date.

Almost.

I sighed when I saw Hojun outside. It was like he knew we were having fun and decided to kill the joy. He waved at us and Rachelle smiled at him, completely ignoring me, like I was once again nothing and our fun conversation a while ago was just one of the fun conversations that she always have with people. He ran to us and grabbed the plastic bag that Rachelle was holding, and they talked as if I was not beside her.

I frowned at them even if they were just discussing about the food that they will cook. We passed through the gates and the door, Hojun letting Rachelle to go first after he opened the doors.

Huh, what a copycat

Maybe Nico saw that I was already having a sour face the moment I entered the room, so he asked me for a smoke.

I never really tried smoking, and never wanted to, so I just went with him and watched him smoke.

 

“Your face is funny, you know that?” Nico started laughing as he blew the cigarette smoke in the air, away from me.

“I'm in a bad mood already. Don't tease me.” I frowned at him. He shrugged.

“Okay.” He began being serious again. “On Tuesday we will have another ocular for the movie venues. That will be Rachelle's last job here in Korea.” He looked at me. “Thursday after next week, she will go back home.”

“Oh...” It was the only thing that escaped my lips. Nico gave me a nudge.

“Are you gonna let her get away without confessing?”

“Can I have a smoke?”

“I and his father are the only men Rachelle could tolerate the smoking habit. So you cannot smoke.” He produced a packet of gum from his pocket. “Eat this instead.”

I took one and popped it in my mouth, and relished its minty flavor, thinking my next move carefully. “I still don’t know, Nico. I like Rachelle, but it feels like she doesn’t like me back. I can’t guess what she’s thinking. One moment she’s happily talking to me, the other moment her attention is with someone else. And it happens while I’m with her. What more if we’re apart?”

“Don’t demand her undivided attention when you still have no label. Demand it when you two are already committed to each other.”

“Commitment...” I trailed off the words. Nico scoffed at my sudden attitude.

“What, you’re afraid of commitments?” He asked, his tone was a little surprised. I looked at him, didn’t know how to answer the question. I tried to form words, but he was already sighing, the cigarette smoke coming out with his breath. “So you are.” He threw the cigarette in the nearby trash bin, looked back at me, and put his hands on my shoulders. “Think hardly about it. Think one hundred and twenty times, Brian. Confess when you are brave enough to have commitments. Okay?” I was about to say something, but he stopped me. “If you confess but not ready for a serious, committed relationship, then I will show you how manly I could get.” He said, produced a smile with a lot of warning, and then strolled until he reached the door.

***

After eating, the girls settled in the living area and had a face mask session. Rachelle left her mask on while she read a book I don't know anything about, while Nico was still lying and letting Heejin put a mask on his face. I sat beside Rachelle and I could feel Nico having a warning look that he never had for me, not until when he guessed I hate commitments.

Well, I never really liked it, but I don't hate it either. I could commit to things that I like the most, like singing and playing instruments. And maybe I could also commit to her.

I'm just afraid that it won't be long.

Because she'll be leaving soon.

 

“Rachelle-ssi, what are you reading?” I asked her after I calmed and managed a smile, so she won't guess that I'm really struggling because of her. She showed me a book, titled Mystic River authored by Dennis Lehane.

“Lehane is my favorite author.” She told me. “Tells you so many things about life.”

“He teaches much more than the case itself. I personally admire the man more than the authors of my class books.” Hojun chimed in and Rachelle looked at him and smiled.

“Yeah, I agree.” She said excitedly. “So you know Lehane too?”

“Uhuh, I read his books to keep me on-ground.”

Hojun continued discussing about the book when I cut him and faced Rachelle, “You know, maybe I could read that too?” I asked. She looked at me skeptically.

“You sure?” She asked after a beat. “I mean, not all man can stick reading books. Besides, you do love songs right?” I nodded, too hesitantly, at her. She shrugged. “This is not good for you. You might sing some song about moral issues on you next comeback instead of love songs.”

Heejin laughed, “Unni, that was smartass.” The others laughed too, but I didn't. Rachelle smiled at me, shrugging.

 

I rolled my eyes and stood up. Everyone stopped laughing and guiltily looked at me as I made my way to our room. I breathed and lied on the bed before putting my arm on my forehead and started to stare at the ceiling.

I don't know what made me so annoyed. Is it because of the truth that I don't prefer reading? Or because the enemy had advanced because he knows what Rachelle is reading? Or maybe because I pushed myself so much just to impress her?

Nonetheless I was annoyed and pretty embarrassed. How could they make fun of me?  Especially Nico who was supposed to be on my side?

After a minute a knock came from the door. When I didn't answer, the door opened and Rachelle let herself in.

 

“Are you still mad?” She asked as she sat on the chair by the bedside. I didn't look at her. “I'm sorry, it was meant to be a joke.”

“Just go. I don't want to talk right now.” I didn't flinch a muscle and continued hiding half of my face with my left arm.

“Okay, come out soon, we're having ramyun.” She said and I began hearing her footsteps as she went away from the bed. When I heard the door closing I immediately sat up.

 

Luring me with ramyun, huh?

Before I could stand up I noticed a white book by the tabletop. It was the same book Rachelle was reading a while ago. The cover was beat-up, meaning she had read it for a few times already, but the pages inside were fine, just smelled old. Four letters were written at the of the book, and for a moment I guessed it was her initials.

I tried to read some pages and discovered that the book was for the author's wife, and also read an epigraph about someone not understanding women, also with a saying:

There is no street with mute stones and no house without echoes. – Góngora

I think she's wrong. I might really get something from here.

***

Nico had hugged me when I went out and immediately held my hand and dragged me to the table for me to eat with them. If I didn't know that he doesn't like me, then I would consider it scary, but the way he hugged me signaled friendship so I let him. Rachelle apologized once again, and Nico helped ease the awkwardness and we ate more peacefully.

We settled back at the living area after we're full and opted for a karaoke time. We stayed up until 3am and settled in our rooms after.

Nico went to shower for a while, and that left me with Hojun. He stayed in bed while reading a very thick book while I was unpacking my guitar. I might got a vacation today, but it was from other works and not from composing songs.

 

“You're really doing that here?” He asked. I looked up at him without moving my head, kind of teasing him.

“Yeah.” I said and started strumming. He breathed hard and loud. I fought the urge to laugh.

“I'm working here, could you do that outside?”

 

His tone was rude that I actually stopped strumming and started creasing my brow. I could throw some hate words right now, but I breathed, contemplated and calmed myself.

 

When I was done convincing myself that this fight would be nonsense, I just sighed, “Fine.” I repacked my guitar and was about to walk out when he spoke again.

“I know you know about me and Rachelle, so why don't you just give up?” I scoffed at his statement. How could he be proud of his 'relationship' with Rachelle?

“Yeah, I know how you called it off.” I told him and smirked. “So why would I give up?”

He smiled, but for me it was as if he was planning something bad. “She offered me a long distance relationship. I didn't exactly say no—”

“Hojun-ssi,” I cut him, “don't you dare ruin her again and just stay by her side as a friend.” I told him with disgust. How dare he say to my face that he wants to play Rachelle in the palm of his hand?

 

I went out of the house, annoyed. He should be thankful that I still asked him to be friends with her.

I walked down the street and looked for the playground that I and Rachelle had seen a while ago when we went to the store. I was kind of surprised that I wasn't alone in the middle of the night.

I saw Rachelle sitting on the bench near the slide, her earphones were in her ears as she tapped on her phone. She looked up at me when she felt me sitting beside her and took one of earphones off.

 

“Brian-ssi.” She said. I smiled my hi, but I actually wanted to scold her for being there while it's dark.

“What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” I asked, worried and a bit annoyed at her. I mean, it's past midnight, she is not in Seoul at the least, and she have no one with her!

As if wandering around was normal for her, and as if it should be obvious that it was normal for her, she shrugged and looked at the slide. “I can't sleep, so I went out to get some air.”

I bit my tongue before I could say some disturbing words to her, and instead thanked God that no bad guy had seen her here. “You're writing?” I asked when I noticed her phone full of text, so maybe she was.

“Yeah. I could use some scenery, so...” She then looked at me and then at my guitar, then back at me, “You're composing?”

“I want to, but I could be bothersome to you...”

“No, it's fine. Do your thing. I have my earphones anyway.” She said and smiled, and seeing that it was cue to work, she put her earphone back and started tapping again.

 

I started unpacking my guitar, notepad, and pen, and started playing my guitar as my lips held my pen, just stopping to write something. I tried to focus on playing and writing and tried my best to ignore Rachelle's scent combined with early morning dew. In no time I wrote another two songs, and when I was done packing my things I already saw first streaks of sunlight in the sky. I looked at Rachelle and she was still typing, her forehead creasing with seriousness.

I smiled at the sight of her and thought I could wait her all day, but it was already morning and we needed rest so I tapped her shoulder so we could go home and get some rest. She nodded, started typing quickly again and I waited her for another minute.

 

“Done, sorry for waiting.” She said and stood up, and we walked together back to the house.