I watch you from here, as you are

The brightest star in the night sky

I hope I get a glance, maybe a smile

It would complete my day

And help me endure the waiting

‘Til I see you again tonight

 

Her laptop was still open and her reading glasses was still on her when I sat in front of her, meaning she just slept for a few minutes. I sat in front of her, pushed the laptop to me and curiously read what she had written.

All I want was to be with her.

Maybe back then I was too dumb that I challenged the existence of fate, but now I'm questioning why we should live in a loop like we didn't have a choice. Maybe if I was still the same as before, I would still challenge it and prove to her that destinies and loops are not true. Just for my pride and belief. Because I didn't love her then. But I do now, and challenging our fates would result to one being lost, forever.

I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want to lose her. I still want to see her smile even from afar. I still want to live and see how beautiful her life would be, even without me...

 

“What are you doing over there?” I stopped reading at the laptop and turned, shocked, at Nico who was half-asleep. His head rose a bit from his pillow, his eyes were puffed, and his brows furrowed. I tried to form words of defense, since Nico might misunderstand, but Nico closed his eyes and put his head on his pillow again. “Whatever, do what you want.” He said before going back to snoring.

 

I went back to reading, and for a while it didn't bother me that I was actually reading.

Maybe this was the reason why Rachelle is so popular. She knew how to express through words, in this book sorrow, and as I read her manuscript I felt that I was the character in her story that I never even started knowing. I felt that I have to let go of someone I never even had, and felt sad of losing someone I never even met. I stopped reading and looked at Rachelle with teary eyes. How could she write a heartbreaking book and sleep so peacefully?

I finished reading the latest chapter that she had done with a long sigh and headache from controlled tears. She was still sleeping peacefully, forming a small smile.

Huh, she could smile in her dreams even after writing this heartbreaking chapter.

I know I could write a heartbreak song, but it wasn't as detailed and elaborate as this, so I could definitely sleep whenever I want. But she...

I shook my head and smiled. I saved her file, closed her laptop and put it on the center table that was now by Rachelle's foot. And then I stood in front of her. I can't really decide what to do with her, but when I did, I nodded with conviction and put the glasses off her before grabbing her carefully. I was planning to get her to Nico's bedroom without waking her up, and it took all of my strength to do it. She was heavy, okay, but the way she smiled in her sleep made it easier for me to carry her.

By the time I reached Nico's room I was already sweating despite of the cold. I gingerly put Rachelle on the bed. She groaned, and for a while I was afraid that she would wake, but she only turned facing me and began talking in her sleep. When she stopped she pouted, and I was there, staring at her and wanting to stay and kiss her until she wakes up.

I should've just did it, but it would make me less of a man for her, and so I stopped myself, looked at her one last time, and went downstairs again so I could get back to sleep.

***

I dreamt of colorful hot air balloons. I was riding at one, and it was a sunny day; the wind was blowing the hot air balloons including mine. We were all floating in the air happily, but then suddenly the fire of my hot air balloon was blown by the wind. My hot air balloon stopped, and the others left me as they continued flying through the air. The colors were replaced by a dark sky as the sun and blue sky followed the other hot air balloons. My breathing hitched as I tried to make my hot air balloon move by rekindling the fire using the lighter that I found in my pocket and fanning the fire using my hands. The fire did become bigger, but my hot balloon did not move an inch. Instead it suddenly burst and I fell an unending fall. I tried to scream and reach out, but it was rather hopeless. I thought I would fall dead on the ground, but someone had caught me when I almost reached it. Her hair was flowing with the wind and I could almost hear her calm breathing. Her face was blurry, but she had asked me, “Will this be okay?” Her voice was soft and caring. I didn't have the chance to answer as my dream shifted, only seeing a sky full of stars as the last view.

I heard a sound of thudding from the kitchen. My conscious mind was telling me that I am at the bedroom, so maybe my unconscious mind was still working. Still a dream. But when I opened my eyes, I was actually at the couch. My mind processed everything, until I remembered what I did a while ago.

I suddenly sat up, feeling hot. What if Rachelle finds out that I carried her all the way to the bedroom? Uh, I thought you were cold that's why I carried you there. I don't feel like waking you up since you seem you needed sleep... I'm cool, aren't I? She would probably gush and cutely hit me, Ahh, oppa! What should I do to thank you?

Should I say that? Who am I joking anyway? Maybe if Rachelle is like the other girls she would really hit me cutely, but knowing who she is, it doesn't even make sense.

Maybe instead I would see some karate moves from her.

I shivered at the thought but tried to move it out of my mind. I readied myself by taking a few deep breaths before standing up and going to the kitchen.

Nico was done chopping some vegetables and had settled a bowl of uncooked bacon beside the sink when I reached the kitchen. He looked at me quizzically before setting the pan on the stove.

 

“So yesterday wasn't a dream.” He started. “Why did you carry Rachelle to my room?” I took in some air and never seem to go out. Nico raised his brows, and I tried to act cool about it.

“I thought she was cold so I carried her there.”

“Oh... Kind of you. Rachelle's really easy to get cold.” He said, and I finally exhaled the air that I took in earlier. Nico put some cooking oil in the pan and let it warm. “Though you could've just woken her up...” I looked at him and about to say my next rehearsed defense, but he did not let me speak. “Anyway, could you pass the garlic?” He asked, and I sighed. What if he took the wrong idea?

 

I thought Nico would get really angry for what I did, but maybe it was nothing for him that he even allowed me to help him cook until Rachelle woke up. I heard her thudding noise as she went down from Nico's room, and now I understood why they wanted me to sleep upstairs.

 

“You slept well.” I heard Nico greeted Rachelle, and I didn't really want to think that Nico had said it in Korean so I could understand what was going on. Rachelle nodded.

“Yeah. Who I should be thankful?” She asked back in Korean and looked at the both of us. I tried to ignore her stare and (coolly?) went back to stirring the fried rice.

 

There were seconds of silence, and since I wasn't facing them, I only had a clue (that Nico pointed me or something) of what happened. Rachelle ran back upstairs, and I and Nico finished cooking. We were quiet, but I could feel the tension in the room growing minute by minute.

 

“I think this is delicious, Nico.” I finally said when he was done seasoning the fried rice (I'm stirring, he's seasoning it because I'm not so sure how they want it to be). He looked at me.

“Of course, I made it.” He shrugged. “We should eat.”

“How about Rachelle?”

“We can start without her. Anyway I made her separate food since she doesn't want spicy foods, so don't worry about her not eating anything.” He went in front of the sink, grabbed a plate and a bowl from the hanging cabinet and passed the bowl to me.

“You really know a lot about her.” I remarked as I took the bowl and he smirked at me.

“Yeah, we've been together for three years so...” He said and sat. I looked at him before sitting slowly, my mind repeating the last thing he had said.

 

They've been together... For three years...

By the time she went back we have already started eating.

She was wearing a striped T-shirt in rainbow colors topped with a blue denim jacket and tucked in black denim pants. Her belt bag was attached around her waist and her weird necklace was around her neck again. Her shirt reminded me of something that I entirely forgot...

The hot air balloons.

I stared at her as my mind swirled with the thoughts of colorful hot air balloons, the beautiful sky that turned dark, that someone who asked me...

And the question was same as what Rachelle had asked me last night.

Could it be...?

She sat at the other side, beside Nico, and casually took the spoon that he was eating with and shoved it in . They talked in loud voices but for me inaudible, Nico was annoyed and Rachelle had this weird expression but she sounded upbeat.

They are still together... Even after those three years...

Maybe I was wrong that I dreamt about her.

I internally scoffed at myself. Maybe that is why she had no interest in me.

She already have Nico. And I'm kind of pathetic that I thought she would like me at first glance.

That smile she showed me the first time I've met her... She showed it because she wanted something from me.

After their little lover’s quarrel, I saw Rachelle going to the sink and tiptoeing to reach the plate in the cabinet. I scoffed at the sight of her. There she is, trying so hard to reach the cabinet, maybe acting like she is struggling so someone — maybe Nico — would help her, some girl strategy to get her man's attention, but Nico wasn't even looking at her. His attention was on his food, pouting at the spoon that Rachelle had recently fed on. I waited for him, I swear. I waited for him to turn his attention to Rachelle, but it was of no luck.

After some seconds of waiting, I had no choice. Like what I did the first time I saw her, I tried to help. I stood up and walked to her until I was behind her. I was reaching a plate for her the same time she stopped tiptoeing. Rachelle lost her balance one bit, so she brushed her back to my body before she redeemed her balance and turned. She looked up at me, her brown eyes as shocked as mine.

 

“Here's your plate.” I said and tried to hide my rushing heart by smiling. Rachelle smiled back and coolly took the plate.

“Oh, thanks.” She said formally. Unlike when she was talking to Nico.

 

They really have been together for so long.

She walked to the counter and sat back to her seat, not minding me anymore. She grabbed the plate of bacon and then her rice, put some ketchup on her plate and began eating with spoon and fork. Nico had the same, and I was the only one who had bowl for my rice and having chopsticks instead of fork. At first I guessed it was a couple thing, but they aren't Koreans so I guessed next that it was some sort of cultural difference. I didn't ask them and just ate.

We ate in silence. Maybe it was a normal, comfortable breakfast for them, but for me it was somehow frustrating. It was like I am trapped in a cage that I made myself. I should just be focusing on my job here, but every time I see Rachelle it feels like I am both happy and annoyed. I'm going back and forth with these two feelings that it was already tiring. And still I feel like I still want to see her again and again.

 

My God, Younghyun, what is it that you really feel?

I don't know. Maybe I should just focus on the job at hand.

Get a grip, Younghyun.

 

Nico excused himself after eating and ran upstairs for a shower, while Rachelle volunteered to wash the plates. Having nothing to do, I went to the living area and rested there, until Rachelle came back.

She sat and I was ready to explain what happened last night— what had gone to my stupid mind— and ask anything about Nico and her, but I never got the chance as she started fishing her phone out of her belt bag and seriously fiddled with it that I couldn't even start the conversation. Nico went down after some time, smelling like Rachelle but dressed like a man. I sort of hate that he and Rachelle had the same smell, but I didn't say it since I owed Nico and owed him more when I asked if I could borrow clothes.

I quickly went to shower. I had gone to Nico's bathroom many times, but I haven't investigated his containers since I never went to shower here. But now I am, so I began looking at them. Rachelle has her suitcase here, so maybe a container or two of her favorite body cleansers were still here too…

I erased the thought in my mind and quickly showered. I went out of the shower after some minutes and wrapped myself in a towel I found in one of the cabinets. Then I opened the bathroom door, poked my head first in case any of them were loitering upstairs, and when I saw no one, I went out and walked to Nico's room as fast as I could, grabbed the most comfortable shirt Nico has (I'm glad Nico is also stocking some new undergarments or else), reused my pants (so I wouldn't owe Nico that much) and changed. I was done after some minutes and went down. I heard Rachelle saying, “He doesn't even know me,” in English.

 

“Who doesn't know you?” I chimed in and kind of regretted it. The two were in their snug position, Nico holding Rachelle's hand and was facing her with loving concern in his eyes, but when he saw me, he quickly removed it. Rachelle also looked a bit shocked as she looked at me, like she didn't expect me to be here and speak up.

 

Alright, alright. Maybe they deserve my apology since I ruined their moment.

 

“Well, you don't know him too.” Rachelle replied after the shock had died and stood up. “Let's go, we're getting late.” She walked out first, and I let Nico to walk behind her before I started walking.

 

We reached Nico's car at his garage and as expected, Rachelle called shotgun since Nico was driving. Leaving no choice, I opened the back door and closed it when I settled in. I instantly put my earphones and closed my eyes so I wouldn't focus on their lovey-dovey scene.

 

I was already falling asleep when I heard Nico nagging Rachelle. “Hey, share the songs,” he said in English, and Rachelle replied with their language. Nico retorted, and in the end Rachelle had put her earphones off and after some time the songs in her playlist went blasting in the car.

They both sang to Just A Feeling by Maroon5. Rachelle has a voice better than I expected. Maybe better than some girl groups in the industry. Nico has good singing voice too, and for a moment I was actually jealous that he has someone like Rachelle.

They both finished the song satisfactorily and the next song played, almost giving me a heart attack. I could hear Jaehyung hyung's voice as the singer for the first verse, but he haven't even finished the stanza when it was replaced by an unknown song with an unknown language.

I started trying to connect the puzzle pieces. What are they actually? They could play it until the end without a fuss, but why did they change it? Besides they knew I was playing the bass but I had the instinct that they didn't tell me the truth when I asked them. Are they fans? Or haters?

The mystery of these two escalated like the mystery of the song that was playing. Rachelle and Nico sang it perfectly so I guessed it was from their country. The song was beautifully played and well-sang, and only the language had kept it mysterious. Like Rachelle.

She's a beautiful piece of mystery to me.

Her playlist starting to play Alernative, and both of them started to sing lively. Two more songs of their language were played, and I was once again captured by their beautiful musicality. I was enjoying this rare moment, appreciating the mysteries of my life, when I suddenly heard Nico.

 

“Sorry, did we wake you up?” Nico asked, looking at me through the rear view mirror. I just looked back at him, and for a moment I didn't answer. Rachelle finally looked back, her expression apologetic.

“Sorry.” She said, and I could feel the honesty and sincerity in her voice. I suddenly felt guilty, since she had nothing to be sorry for.

“Okay.” I said in the end.

 

Panic! At The Disco's High Hopes started playing, but Rachelle was fast enough to turn the music off and didn't give me the chance to stop her from doing so (I enjoy her music choices, especially the second song she did not continue, so...)

The car was utterly silent again. When we're near the building I started talking to Nico, telling him that he need not to to drive me up to the building's entrance, but Nico still drove and told me that they have a meeting with President Park and that I didn't have to go to his house for tonight.

I didn't have anything to do, so I just went to our studio to get my wallet that I left there, and then to the rooftop to get some air and to write songs. When I got tired I started drawing, first something I cannot understand, and then I started drawing Rachelle's necklace after turning a few pages.

 

“What are you doing?” I almost jump out of shock and the hairs on the nape of my neck all stood up. I was so serious at drawing Rachelle's necklace that I didn't realize Suzy was already beside me.

 

Yes, the Suzy Bae everybody loves. Our age are not far, so we consider each other friends regardless of seniority in the industry.

 

“God, I thought—”

“I'm not a ghost.” She cut me, pouting. “Anyway, what are you doing?” She looked at my notebook. “Oh. Why are you drawing a Libra?”

“Libra?” I looked at her quizzically, and she looked back.

“Yeah, like the zodiac sign.” I know a bit of zodiac, but this is not like the Libra I know.

“But this does not look like Libra.” I told her. She only chuckled.

“I know it, I'm a Libra myself. It's the constellation Libra, not just the sign Libra.” Suzy informed me. I looked back at the drawing. “Looks like you really didn't know what it is, so why are you drawing it?”

“I saw it on someone.”

“Someone.” Suzy repeated, smiling. “If it's me—”

“God, stop creating issues.”

“I'm not. I'm just making sure it's not me. You know I don't like annoying people.”

“Hey.” I said. She laughed, and I smiled because of that. “Are Libras very mysterious?” I asked when we stopped laughing-smiling. Suzy shrugged.

“Well that depends. But usually we're not.” I nodded. Suzy is an open book to those close to her because we could ask things to her and she will answer it, unoffended. I don't know about her other acquaintances though.

“But this person...”

“You just don't know her too well. Talk to her and get to know her.”

“I didn't say it's a she.”

“If it's a man, you won't be even interested about it, right?” She pointed out. I sighed and nodded.

“I guess.”

“Younghyun-ah, if you really like her, then do things to know her. I guess it is what you do to every woman regardless of zodiac.” She smiled. What? I like her? “Anyway, do you want to eat lunch with me?” I looked at her and then at the watch. I didn't realize that it was already lunch time.

“Sorry Suji, I uh, need to write songs first.”

“Alright.” She smiled. “As expected from a hoobae.” I chuckled when she said that. “Hey, you should start writing about your promised OST too, okay?

“I'm actually working on it. Go to lunch now.” I said and she said her goodbye.

 

I didn't know I will have so much realization after talking to Suzy. I didn't know what has happened these three days: it was so quick yet so slow, mysterious and magical. I wasn't even sure if this was all true. Maybe I would wake up any moment and just think who that lady was in my dream that made me interested in love again.

I sighed and tried to write the first song dedicated to her. Maybe she has somebody already, and maybe this is the only thing I could do for her. Still I did it even no one acknowledges it. It took an hour or so, and then I went down to grab some lunch after I'm already satisfied with the lyrics. I was already exiting the elevator when I saw Rachelle walking out of the building, her face crumpled.

I decided to follow her, kind of scared (I find this feeling silly) that she would just spank random people.

She rounded the fifth block, heading to the convenience store I was very familiar with. It was the same convenience store we were eating at as trainees since we couldn't afford the food in the cafeteria back then and restaurants wouldn't be an option. I couldn't go back here since I was so busy, so it was nice that I visited it because of her.

Rachelle walked inside, didn't greet back the cashier that greeted her and just continued walking inside like a zombie. I bowed at the cashier, more like apologetically for what Rachelle had done, before going to where Rachelle was.

I saw her rummaging through the chips, and thinking that it isn't good for lunch, I went on the other side for ramyun. I was about to take four, but after remembering she doesn’t like spicy foods, I replaced one with jajangmyun. I walked to where she was and handed one to her who was still deciding what chips she would eat.

She looked at me sullenly and then at the jajangmyun in my hand. As much as I wanted to talk to her out of it, I was scared that I would get killed today, so I just kept it simple.

 

“This is not spicy.” I told her with a smile.

“For your info, I could still read and understand Hangul.” She retorted. I nodded.

“I know, but I tasted everything in this convenience store.” I told her. “I always eat here during my rookie days...” She looked at me for a moment but didn't say anything. I shook the cup, wanting her to take it. “Should I help you cook it now?” I told her seriously, but she frowned more.

“No, I could do it by myself.” She said and (harshly, but it was fine with me) took the cup of jajang before walking to the isle. I followed her as she grabbed two onigiri and walked to the cashier. I took my wallet out of my pocket when we reached the counter and started counting if I have enough money. “You don't have to pay for me.” I looked at Rachelle when she said that. I chuckled, but remembering that she's in a bad mood, I quickly pursed my lips.

“I won't though.” I said and showed her my ramyun bowls. She clicked her tongue annoyingly before handing the cashier her money.

 

After paying, she went to the far end to fetch some hot water, and I did the same when I'm done paying. She waited there for three minutes, and then went back to the front for her to sit. I followed her after my magic three minutes were done.

 

“May I eat with you? I don't like it when I eat alone.” I asked her after setting my ramyun on the table, and she nodded without looking at me. It wasn't entirely true, and it wasn't the reason. I just want to eat with her, period. “You don't feel lonely when you eat alone?” I asked her as I sat beside her. She gulp her noodles before shaking her head.

“No.” She replied, and then suddenly she looked at me. “Wait, you didn't have your lunch yet?” She asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, I was kind of busy.” I said, and she nodded back.

 

She went silent again and focused on her food. I was still afraid that I'd get her mad, so I didn't talk to her and ate my second and last bowl of ramyun. We both finished eating after thirty or so minutes, and that was the time she smiled and rested her back on her chair.

 

“Waah, I was super full. Thanks for the meal!” She said. I smiled and rested my elbow on the table, my hand cupping my chin.

“So you're not mad now, huh?”

“Sorry, it's just me when I'm hungry.” She shook her head and smiled. And then she looked at me after a beat. “Anyway, how did you know I don't like spicy foods?”

“Nico told me.” I said after contemplating if I should tell her how I knew or just keep it short. In the end I kept it short and tried to change the subject. Nico's name still hung in my tongue and I kind of hate it. “Anyway thanks for accompanying me.” I told her with a smile. She smiled too and shook her head.

“No, it was nothing.” She said and paused, her smile now gone. It was for a few seconds, as if she was facing a very hard decision. “Brian-ssi...” In the end she just said my name. My heart skipped a bit. It was the first time she said my name, and the way she said it makes me love that name more.

“Yes?” I answered after a gulp. Maybe she didn't notice that I'm internally screaming because she continued.

“I just... wanted to thank you for carrying me to Nico's room. I'm so heavy, yet...” She laughed out of embarrassment. “Thank you.”

“It was nothing.” I smiled at her, trying my best to make her feel it was really fine with me. She breathed out of relief and I thanked that I didn't make her uncomfortable.

 

We walked back to JYP after a few more minutes of chatting and she walked to Nico's car waiting at the valet when she saw it. She bade her goodbye, and even if I wanted her to stay a little longer, I did not stop her from walking away. I smiled and nodded at her, and waited for the car to zoom out of sight before I went inside, feeling happy but a bit resentful.

 

---

She rounded the fifth block, heading to the convenience store I was very familiar with. I'd like to clarify this part, I really don't know if there's a convenience store five blocks after JYP. This is imaginary, guys. Haha.

 

Anyway we all know that updates will be every week, I guess? Now that we are halfway through the story, please write down your thoughts!

 

Thank you for reading!

Always,