Dreaming is easy;

Reality is not

I dreamt you're next to me

But the real you is distant

 

The next day, I went to Nico's house at around lunch. We just had a magazine photoshoot, and I just kind of squeezed the typing job to my schedule since I would have a TV guesting in the afternoon and then help the guys arrange and record demos of more songs after.

Nico was upset when I came. He threw himself at the couch and crossed his arms after he opened the door for me.

 

“I can't believe that woman would really agree!” He suddenly vented out as I sat on the smaller couch and looked at him quizzically.

“Who are we talking here?” I asked, and Nico looked at me, like he was somewhere else and only came back when I spoke. He took a deep breath and then looked at me again.

“Sorry, it was nothing. It's just that Rachelle was on a date right now when we are so busy. God, that woman.” He sighed once again and shook his head while I tried to catch all of what he had just said.

 

Rachelle's on a date? But I thought these two are a couple? Nico said they have been together! For three years!

So does that mean those three years that they have been together... They only stayed as friends?

 

“I thought you and Rachelle—”

“Ewww!” Nico didn't let me finish and shrieked. “Can't you even see me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm gay, Brian. There's a bigger chance that I would like you more than I would like Rachelle.” Nico smirked, and I got a bit scared. I respect the LGBTQ+ community, but hey, I'm still a man and it's my instinct to be uncomfortable when in a locked, confined places with them. “Don't get too uncomfortable. I'm not interested in you.” Nico pointed out, and that was my cue to breathe.

“I'm sorry, I just thought you and Rachelle had something special.” I know I lied, but it's the only reply I can think of that won't hurt Nico's feelings.

“We are best friends, and that's special, but right now I'm rethinking about it.” He rolled his eyes. “She said she's at Pea Restaurant here in Mapo and excited to meet the man. God—” Nico's next words came like a murmur.

 

I ignored Nico and focused on my feelings. Somehow I felt both elated and down. This meant that Rachelle is single, but the mere fact that she accepted that date meant that there’s a big chance that she wanted the man.

My heart sank a few inches. Maybe right after that date (it rarely happens, but it could) Rachelle would be taken.

You should have kissed her that night.

Geez, why am I even thinking these kinds of nonsense?

There's also a small chance that she feels otherwise. I mean, it's small, but it's still a chance. Maybe she would frown all day at the man, not a frown I was seeing when she's thinking or writing, but frown-frown, like when she's hungry and annoyed.

Maybe she wanted to escape that man. Maybe I could help her escape.

 

“Nico, can I go out for a minute? I want some ramyun.” I said the minute I decided I should look for her and walked out, not letting him talk.

 

I wanted to see how the man was treating Rachelle, but buying ramyun was not entirely a lie. I felt hungry upon thinking about my feelings so much, so I was really intending to buy ramyun at the nearest convenience store. But I haven't found any near his house.

I walked and walked and only halted when I saw one across the restaurant where, according to Nico, Rachelle and her date are meeting. The area wasn't too far from Nico's house, just a hundred meters or so. I stared at the inside of the restaurant, which was covered with top-to-bottom glass windows. For a while I didn't see her and thanked that she called it off this early, until my eyes had focused on a woman whose side features are exactly the same as Rachelle's. She was wearing a white loose cardigan over a pastel pink dress, her long hair was tied into a messy braid, and she was laughing at a joke or two that the man had dropped, looking girlish and beautiful, and here I am hoping that she wouldn't even show an emotion.

I even thought I was luckier because I saw her smiles.

I clicked my tongue and exhaled before going inside the convenience store. I bought some ramyun, made the three, and sat by the window so I could see how she flirts the man.

They were now into a deep conversation, Rachelle was unconsciously (I want to think that way) leaning to the man as he talked. I have come to know that Rachelle is a good listener, and that stance is normal for her, but there was still something that made me feel stung by her actions.

It's just that, men our age like attentive women. He might just like her a lot.

I breathed and slurped some noodles. I should probably stopped stalking her and eat this lovely noodles before going back to Nico.

 

***

 

“I thought you will just buy ramyun?” Nico asked accusingly when I reached his house. I showed him the remaining ramyun in a plastic bag and said nothing. “Did you, in any case, stalk Rachelle?” He asked again, and I tried to look as incredulous as possible.

“Why would I?” I asked back, trying not to sound too guilty.

Nico shrugged and changed the subject. “You want to eat?”

“I've already eaten outside, thanks anyway.” I told him and sat to finish the quota as early as possible.

 

I don't want to stay here longer. I just want to sleep.

I finished the forty-eight pages at the same time my manager knocked at the door.

I didn't waste time and bowed my goodbye to Nico before dragging my manager out of the house (because he loves talking to Nico). He was frowning when we reached the car but didn't say anything, just went to the driver's seat so he could drive me to my next venue.

At least the show where I guested was a breath of fresh air. It was challenging since we have to act cool and sweet to the girl I only met that day and we need to put her makeup (which I can't do) on, but it was lighter than my real life. We had shot the episode for whole eight hours, and when we finished it was already ten past twelve midnight. The other idols and the staff decided for some drinks outside, and the girl (so) comfortably linked her arms to mine, but I declined as I put her arm off and apologized since I have my next schedule. The girl smiled at me as if she felt like I like her and I'm just being shy, but for me she's not one bit attractive.

Wonpil was already inside the recording room and singing one of the demos I wrote and he composed when I went inside our studio.

 

“How's the variety?” Sungjin hyung greeted me. I shrugged.

“Fine. The girl's a bit flirtatious, but fine.”

“You like that though.” Jaehyung hyung scoffed. I shook my head.

“Nah.”

“Wow. I thought you like girls that don't give you a hard time?”

“Likes could change.” I shrugged. Dowoon was silent but his brow rose up as if teasing me. “Really though.”

“Is anyone listening to me?” Wonpil's voice came booming from the speaker, kind of cut them from questioning me. Jaehyung hyung gave another scoff and smiled at Wonpil.

“Sorry, continue Wonpil-ah.” Sungjin hyung said after pushing the buton, and Wonpil shook his head before attempting to start all over again, his angelic voice started coming out of the speaker.

 

We recorded up until dawn with Sungjin hyung directing (while I'm sneaking some naps) so the songs would turn out great. By dawn we wrapped up the singing and finished everything by putting the songs in a flashdrive. Sungjin hyung went straight to Jinyoung taepyonim, while the rest of us continued solo activities, like me sleeping in my house.

I woke up at around afternoon and dragged myself out of my room to eat. I could go to Nico's now to grab some free food, but I don't think I would see Rachelle there.

I don't even know why I'm so addicted at the thought of seeing her.

I remembered her sleeping on the sofa, her carefree, smiling face was so vivid in my mind as if I am watching her now. I could still see her long hair as it fell slowly from her shoulders to her chest while she was reading her research. I could still feel her warm and caring hands against mine; I could still hear her voice in my dream, asking me if I'm alright, if I would be alright. Maybe in real life she was asking if I would be alright with my wound, but now I understand why that exact question popped in my dream.

It was as if she was mocking me, asking me if I would be alright the moment she leaves me like the fleeting colorful hot air balloons in my dream.

I didn't even know why I was thinking this way, like I and Rachelle have something special — more special than her relationship with Nico, when I know there is no us, and probably will never have.

My God, maybe I like her this much.

I shivered even if it was hot inside the house. I sat on the sofa, gradually erasing my thoughts of her, and opened the TV and stared at it for some time before going to the pantry to eat some ramyun and rice. With all the money, I could go anywhere I want for me to eat luxurious food, but right now I'm not in the mood.

I wrote some songs and slept again after that, and then woke by the sudden noise coming from the TV. It's already the eight o'clock news, and so I decided to call my manager, then I took a bath and changed into a T-shirt and jeans.

Nico's phone was on his ear when he opened the door for me, and then he exclaimed babe in English when I sat on the sofa, meaning he was talking to Rachelle. They conversed in both English and their native language, and I could see Nico was a bit pressured but happily talking to her.

 

“What time will you come here?” He asked in English all the while looking at me meaningfully... I just don't know what he wanted to say. I stared back, silently asking why, but he just shrugged. “Alright sweetie.” He said and ended the call. He then went upstairs and down again and gave me the laptop and script. “Tomorrow's your last day.” He started as he stared at me.

“Yeah.” I nodded, trying to act nonchalant, as I opened the laptop. There was a second of pause before Nico spoke again.

“You know what, I already told you I'm gay, so you should know by now that you could tell Rachelle you like her.” I quickly glanced at him.

“What?” I looked at him, wanting him to say it again. I didn't know if I heard Nico right.

Nico scratched his ear in a very manly way. “I thought you're not deaf. I said tell Rachelle you like her while you still have the time.”

 

I took time to digest everything he said. Was I that obvious?

But why didn't Rachelle see it and instead dated another man?

 

“Are you worrying about Rachelle's date yesterday?” Nico asked, but I didn't answer and just stared at him in wonder. “She dated him because we owe something to the one who set the date. Rachelle said she won't date the man again.” I saw Nico shrugged, but my mind was more focused on what he said that everything around me seemed to blur, including Nico.

“You mean she didn't like the man?”

“God, she doesn't even know him—”

“How can you be sure that I like Rachelle?” I cut him and stared at him, his figure coming to focus again.

“I'm not blind. I could see your actions.”

“How can you be sure that I am not doing these kind of actions with other women?” Nico slouched on the sofa when I asked it, his brows were suddenly knitted and his arms were crossed.

“You're a jerk if you are leading on other girls. But you don't look like a jerk, and you're not one... right?”

“Nico, I...” I paused to think of a better answer, but Nico only smiled like he got me, big time.

 

So now he knows my greatest secret.

 

“How old are you again?” Nico asked, still having the same smile.

“Twenty-seven.”

“We are of the same age. Can we consider each other friends?”

“Uhm, I guess.” I said, shrugging. Nico's smile became bigger as he walked and sat beside me.

“So now that we're friends, I like to do something for you.” I glared at him, not wanting him to continue what he wanted to say. “I'll help you with Rachelle.”

“Nico, I—”

“Thank me later.” He joked, but I only glared at him. He looked at me for a moment, then sighed. “Brian, I know you can't keep it that long. You're not good at lying.”

“But I can't—”

“Listen, Rachelle is not good with this kind of games. She likes it when there is affirmation, and that is with words. If you only show how you feel without saying it, you would only leave her confused.” Nico had given me so much information that it left me speechless and achingly processing everything. I didn't know why Nico was so engrossed with helping me when I only met him last week.

 

Well, I also met Rachelle last week, and yet I already like her.

I was tempted to grab Nico's help, but I have a hunch that she would not accept me if I tell her now.

 

“Alright, no pressure here. Just tell me whenever you are ready. For now, I'll keep your secret.” Nico said after the silence. I breathed out of relief. Finally Nico would let me go.

 

I was already at my third page for the day when Rachelle came. Her eyes were swollen and she looked really tired. She talked to Nico the moment she entered, greeted me, and talked to Nico more. I wasn't at all looking at her. I didn't even know how I would look at her, or what I would say to her. I felt like she already knew what I was feeling the moment she and Nico made eye contact.

 

There was a short moment of silence before a phone started ringing. Rachelle started fishing her phone out of her pocket and accepting the call. “Hello, this is R.G. Moore speaking,” she said in a welcoming tone and then waited for the other line to speak up. “Hojun-ssi?” She then asked in a surprised tone.

 

Both I and Nico looked at her. She glanced at us, and like a mysterious cat she ran to the kitchen with her phone on her ear.

 

Nico sighed and shook his head. “I thought she would quickly end things with him.”

 

I didn't speak even I was disappointed because in a way I already expected this.

Rachelle came back after a minute or two of speaking through the phone. I didn't know what they talked about, but by the way she quietly smiles told me that she hasn't called it off yet.

I kind of feel agitated that he could brighten her day and not me.

 

“Your date yesterday called you? I thought you already cut it off.” Nico annoyingly asked. Rachelle stopped walking, not saying anything for a moment, then shrugged.

“He just wanted to make sure I'm fine, that's all.” She replied, but Nico didn't buy it. He straightened his back and crossed his arms, causing Rachelle to frown, her face was once again a bit dark.

“That man is consuming your time here. I thought you know it already.”

“I know it. But he's nice... I just can't dump him right away.”

“Or you can't dump him, period.” Nico sighed and glanced at me, like he was sorry for me. I caught up some air. I thought Nico won't tell her anything!

“I'll just change.” Rachelle said after a pause, ignoring what Nico had said, and went upstairs.

Nico sighed loudly when Rachelle was out of earshot. “I'm so annoyed! Aish!” He almost yelled in Korean. I looked at him as calmly as I could.

“Maybe she already developed something for her date. That's why she can't let him go.”

“No!” Nico almost growled. I only looked at him, a bit surprised. Maybe seeing my state, he started calming down. “I doubt it. She just don't want to call it off first.”

“It's fine Nico.” I breathed. “I don't want to cause Rachelle any trouble. I'll back off, anyway she doesn't even know I like her.” I finally told him. He looked at me, maybe contemplating what I said for a while, and then exhaled.

“My God Brian, think about it, okay?” He waved off my answer. “Let's just buy some takeouts and eat for now.”

 

Rachelle took some time to change. When she went down the takeouts were already delivered, and Nico already rummaged through Rachelle’s bag for some of their local chips. He had also produced two cans of their local beer and a bottle of Starbuck's Coffee from his fridge and gave one can of beer to me, and already finished reviewing what Rachelle had given him.

Rachelle sat down, her Libran constellation necklace was dangling as she did. She tied her hair into a ponytail and took a bowl of jajangmyun takeout and the Starbucks in a bottle to herself, all the while reading the notes Nico had scribbled on her paper. I saw great professionalism from the two when they started forgetting their little quarrel a while ago and discussing the paper. They did that while we ate, and then Nico went out for a smoke after.

I was left with Rachelle. I ate and typed, unable to start a conversation. I had thought of trying, but I can't even look at her.

I couldn't even concentrate on what I was doing. She cannot get out of my mind and I was so tempted to glance at her, even for a second.

I tried to control myself. When I couldn't do it anymore, I glanced at her without moving my head, but there she was, staring at me like she was not herself. I slowly turned to face her, but her stare wasn't changing one bit. I looked at her, a smile started forming on my lips. Her mind was really not with her.

 

“Rachelle.” I started, and she almost jumped out of surprise. I forced myself not to laugh. “What's the problem?”

“N-nothing... I was just...” She stuttered. She ing stuttered in front of me!

 

I think I'm being amazing today.

 

“Tsk, your date isn't as handsome as me, don't he?” I started joking, but she only frowned at me.

“You didn't even see him, how could you say that?” She asked back, and I think it wasn't in an annoyed way. Instead she asked that to challenge me. I smirked.

“You're staring at me like you haven't stared at someone handsome today.” She scoffed, and then looked at me, smiling. I cannot do anything but to smile too.

“So you're back to normal. I thought your tongue was pushed back a while ago.”

“That's me when I'm hungry.” I told her, still smiling. She nodded, took a pause, and looked at me again

“Nico said you're almost done.”

“Yeah, it's my last day tomorrow.” I informed her.

“Ohh. Congrats. Should we celebrate?” She smiled, and I didn't know what to feel. Does she feel that she already lifted the guilt that she had with me, that's why we need celebrating? Or does she want to see me again after this typing job?

“Eh, if I know, you will have a date again tomorrow.” Instead of telling her a more concrete answer, I tried to . She shook her head, smiling.

“Don't worry, we could squeeze some time for you until Friday.” She was already looking at her paper when she said that. I already know that the conversation would stop there, but I didn't allow it.

“But I'm only here until tomorrow... Ah, what about we exchange numbers so we could hang out?” She stopped typing and stared at me for a moment, and then her lips produced the one word that would make me happy for like forever.

“Sure.” She frowned but gave me her phone. Maybe she convinced herself it wasn't a very big deal, but for me it was all I needed to stay connected to her.

 

Alright, maybe Nico was right. I didn't mean it when I said I'll back off.

I gave her phone back after I called my number on her phone. Nico then came back, and we continued working. I know that the two of them are busy, so I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.

I finished typing at twelve in the midnight, but I stayed for another hour to wait for my manager. To kill some time, I decided to write some songs. Anyway my inspiration was in front of me, so why not write some while staring at her?

I sadly went when my manager came. He talked to Nico and Rachelle for a while and then thanked them before we went out. Now that I knew Nico's gay, I was kind of curious if my manager could pinpoint it. But by the way he talked comfortably around Nico meant he still don't.

And I'm not gonna tell him.

I sat quietly when we rode in the car. I breathed as my manager arranged his seatbelt.

 

“Hyung, can we stay here a little longer?” My manager stopped and I felt his stare on me.

“Why?” He asked after settling himself on his seat.

“I want to watch something.” I replied. He chuckled.

“Or someone.” I looked at him when he said that. “Well, let's see...” He took his phone from his left pocket and looked at our schedule. “You will meet the writer of Blind Date Marathon at lunch and then you will start recording for your album in the evening. You still have time in the morning so she better leave before lunch or you couldn't continue stalking her.”

“Hey, hyung.” I warned, but he was smirking like an idiot, so happy at the retort he made for me.

“I'll sleep. You could too, but I won't wake you up the moment she shows up.” Before I could get back a retort he was already closing his eyes.

 

I crossed my arms and waited. And waited. And waited. I never dared fall into sleep even my eyes were already drooping. I pinched myself and my whole arm seemed red when Rachelle walked out, her hair was a bit messy and her eyes puffed. She was still wearing her reading glasses (that she usually takes off after computer use). Maybe she's too rushed to go home and didn't realize she was still wearing it.

She walked past our car, zombie-like, towards the way of the bus station. I put my cap and face mask on and without waking my manager, I got out of the car after she walked past it and followed her. I didn't know why I was acting like a stalker; all I knew was I was making sure she gets home safe.

I waited for her to ride the bus, and I followed her all the way in. I don't know if I was lucky that I have my cap and mask or that she was just feeling sleepy, nevertheless she did not recognize or even see me (she even wears her reading glasses in that state). She was already comfortably sitting near the window when I was tapping my T-money, her eyes started closing. I went and stood in front of her, not letting anyone sit beside her, just watching her as she falls asleep.

After some minutes her head started lolling on the other side, and I was there, almost running just to get her head to my shoulder. I sighed out of relief when her head landed on my shoulder, and it stayed there for another minute.

I smiled at the sight of her. The warmth of her cheek was seeping through my shirt and into my skin, and although it was hot, I never minded. Instead I continued to enjoy the rare moment. It wasn't the first time I saw her sleep, and definitely not the first time we had an indirect physical contact, but the joy I felt every time feels like I've experiencing them all over again, for the first time.

She woke up after five minutes, apologized to me like she was apologizing to a stranger, and looked at the window before pushing the button so the bus would stop at the next station. She waited for some moments, not showing her face to me, and then went down when the bus stopped.

I also went down and continued following her. She walked for almost two blocks, not minding the sun, and entered a hotel when she reached it. I stopped at the entrance and watched her back as she walked the hallway.

I had so many things in mind as I watch her. I don't know how she could manage to be alone in a foreign country — live alone, eat alone, ride the bus alone... Is she that independent?

How could I even enter the walls of an independent woman?

Maybe Nico is right. I couldn't stay like this forever. I should come out and say my intentions — just thinking about it makes me want to run and approach her. But this isn't the right time. I should get closer, so I could get the hint where she had hidden the key to her tower's gate. So I could get through without forcing her.