Every day I wake up with this sinking feeling that I can’t really avoid no matter how hard I try. At first it was unbearable but I had to learn how to live with it, accept that it’s now a part of who I am. The feeling can get heavy, really heavy, sometimes I feel like I can’t even get up from my own bed. Sometimes I shed some tears, sometimes I just end up clutching onto my chest hoping that my heart would just stop beating altogether. It hurts to see her. It hurts to think about her. Everything hurts. It’s been a while now since the accident, since we last spoke. I thought I’d be better by now, that I’d get over her. I never imagined that I’d spend most of my time following her around.

I remember the first time I did it. It was particularly scenic autumn day and I had decided to spend my break at a park just outside the campus. There were a lot of people there, couples who were walking around, holding hands, having lunch by a blanket and whatnot. All I could think about was her, how she would have taken countless of photos and videos of us wandering around the park, playing with the fallen leaves. She was always very fond of photography. The thought alone almost made me tear up but that didn’t happen until much later, when I decided to head to the cafe. I froze on the spot the moment I saw her standing outside the cafe doors. Her eyes were glued to her phone, she didn’t notice me standing there, staring at her from six feet away. I wanted to approach her, I nearly did, but then it hit me. She was waiting for someone, and that someone was Chou Tzuyu. She came out a few seconds later with two cups of coffee in hand. She handed her one and they started walking away. I had no idea what came over me in that moment, but I soon found myself trailing behind them. I knew then that nothing good would come out of it, I knew that if I did get the answer I was looking for, it would only end up hurting me, but I couldn’t stop myself. I crossed the road about halfway through so they wouldn’t notice me. They finally stopped when they arrived at her dorm, although that information was unbeknownst to me at the time, and I saw them staring sweetly at each other. I turned around and walked away the moment I saw her leaning in, then I cried my eyes out on the way back to my place.

I wasn’t the type to stalk someone for hours on end, I wasn’t really the type to stalk someone at all to be completely honest, but I did make sure that I got to see her at least once a day. I also resorted to wearing hoodies even when it was scorching hot out. It certainly helped though. I knew that she had already caught me a number of times but like I said, the hoodie helped in concealing my identity. There was point where I came home and found my friends waiting for me outside my apartment door. Sana had decided to hold an intervention, having been informed by Jeongyeon that I had been following Chaeyoung around for months. Sana didn’t hold back and she really seemed like she wanted to tear me a new one, however Momo and Jihyo were a lot more sympathetic. It was nice to know how much they cared, how much they wanted me to get better, but in the end, I still kept following her, albeit less frequently. I imagined that it was probably what substance addiction felt like, because there was a part of me that desperately wanted to stop, but I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

~

“Wait, Mina.”

I felt time stop when I heard those words come out of . Her grip on my arm was tight, unwilling to let go. For a moment I thought that it had finally happened, that she finally remembered who I was. I turned around expecting to see some recognition in her eyes, but there weren’t any. However, the expression that she had when she pulled my hood back was very familiar to me. It was the same one that she had when we went out on our first date. An air of awe and breathlessness etched on her beautiful face. I still asked her how she knew my name, which was a mistake since I only ended up hurting myself and cried a bit in front of her. She was quick to wipe my tears though and confidently stated that she and I were friends from that point on.

Being friends with her was admittedly very difficult. There was a lot of history there, history that only I knew about. I was basically starting over again, at least it wasn’t with someone new. I had a lot of trouble opening up to her at first, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I thought hard about how I did it before. The issue wasn’t, “What do I say?” it was more, “How do I say it, and when?” I knew the timing had to be perfect. Things did eventually get easier when we began playing video games at my place. After that happened, I started to really open up to her. I knew then that I couldn’t perfectly recreate the moments we shared, so I just trusted my instincts and started telling her certain things about me, things I’ve already told her once upon a time.

We grew close rather quickly. A part of me wondered if she was beginning to remember, or if we were just meant for each other. We spent an awful lot of time together, usually at my place. I was actually very surprised. Tzuyu always clung to Chaeyoung, treated her like she was her property, it made me question whether or not she knew about me and her. When I did ask Chaeyoung about it, she merely told me not to worry. I was prepared to handle her if she ever lashed out on me, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next with my friends. They decided to show up at my place unannounced. All three of them were equally shocked to find my ex-girlfriend sitting on my couch, eating chips. I hastily explained the situation to them, whispering so that Chaeyoung wouldn’t hear. Luckily for me, they caught on quickly, though they were a little awkward interacting with her. It was understandable given they’ve already met. As she left, Sana immediately gave me an earful, telling me how insane I was for doing what I did while Momo and Jihyo just stood there. I get that she’s concerned about me but she never understood how devastated I was when I lost Chaeyoung. She doesn’t know what it’s like... and I pray that she doesn’t find out.

~

“Come over. Now. If you have any questions, save them for when you get here,” the message read. I was surprised to learn that Jeongyeon still had my number. I thought she might have deleted it by now seeing as she blames me for everything that happened. I made my way there anyway, regardless of any negative feelings we have for each other. I never hated her for what she did, probably because I was far too broken to feel anything other than sadness, but she did go overboard with all the lies. To this day, I’m still wondering how she managed to convince Chaeyoung’s parents to go along with everything she asked them to do. I finally got to their dorm and I saw her standing outside their door holding her phone, she must’ve been waiting for me. It doesn’t make any sense though, she could’ve waited for me inside, but I digress. Her eyes turned to me the moment she noticed my presence. We both stood there like idiots not saying a word to each other, I’m guessing neither of us thought this far ahead.

“What’s this all about?” I asked.

“What I did to you... it wasn’t fair. It was wrong of me to blame it all on you,” she said.

“You don’t say?” I said sarcastically.

“She still loves you. I know it’s a weird claim given everything that happened, but I can feel that she does. That stupid smile that she’s had on her face for the past two weeks, I kept wondering what caused it, then I found out that you two became friends. It scared the living hell out me, I wanted try harder to keep her away from you, but I haven’t seen her like that in a really long time. I want to keep seeing that smile, and as much as I hate to admit it, you’re the only one who can bring it out of her,” she paused and turned around to open the door. “I’m not gonna get in your way, not anymore. Don’t you dare let anything happen to her again.”

“I won’t.”

~

I’ve gotten a lot bolder around her since that night, asking her out for coffee every chance I got. Though Tzuyu did eventually spot us in our most recent date and joined us as well. I was uncomfortable for the remainder of that afternoon. I went home crying when she kissed her in front of me. A classmate of mine saw me on my way to the apartment and tried his best to comfort me. I let him, after all, he and I were friends. He also asked me to be his magic assistant for the talent show just as he was bringing me home. I happily agreed to do so, I thought it would be a good distraction from Chaeyoung.

I didn’t see her for a while. The tricks involved in the performance were more demanding than I thought and required a lot of practice. I managed though and we ended up entertaining everyone in the auditorium. I went home tired completely drained and ready to pass out at any time, but before I even got to get my outfit off, someone knocked on my door and I went over to answer it. When I did, I regained my energy all of a sudden, and I knew my night would be an interesting one.

~

I don’t remember much about the night I had, but I do know that Chaeyoung wasn’t around earlier. How I ended up lying on her shoulder is beyond me, but I wasn’t complaining. I vaguely remember Sana telling us that she wanted to celebrate her birthday very early on with her friends since she’ll be spending her actual birthday with her family. I raised my head to look at Chaeyoung and all she did was smile at me and put my head back on her shoulder. I fell asleep again shortly after, thinking that she would just bring me home and leave, little did I know that it would turn out to be one of the most eventful nights of my life.

~

I never thought she would actually do it, but she did and she actually wanted to do it. She could’ve stopped at the first kiss, but no, she kept going. That wasn’t even the most surprising moment, she called me “Minari.” My heart nearly stopped at the mention of it, and again I thought it finally happened. I thought she remembered me, but I was wrong... again.

I woke up with a massive headache, one that I quickly remedied by running towards my fridge and opening up a can of sprite. Not the ideal morning, for sure, but I’ve had worse. “Hello there,” I heard someone say, startling the hell out of me. It was only after I had finished my drink that I noticed the woman in my living room.

“Jeong, how on earth did you get in here?” I asked

“Your door was unlocked,” she explained. Damn, Chaeyoung really wanted to get out of here that quickly, huh? She even forgot to take the onesie off.

“Why are you here?” I asked

“Well, I heard about everything,” she started, “Yes, even the part where you almost had .” I blushed at her statement. I had forgotten how blunt Jeongyeon can be.

“That doesn’t really answer my question, you know?” I said as poured us a glass of water.

“Fine. I wanna know your next move,” she said as she went over to me.

“I don’t have one. I figured I should just wait this out. She probably regrets what happened anyway.” I handed her a glass and she nodded as thanks.

“Pathetic. I explicitly told you that she loves you and this is that’s what you choose to do with that information?” She shook her head, showing her disappointment before taking a sip of her drink.

“Well, what do you want me to do?!” I asked, angrily setting my drink down on the table.

“I don’t know. Anything other than what you have in mind.” She finished her drink and set her glass down beside mine. “Well, I guess the happy ending is still a little ways down the road. I’m a patient girl, I can wait. Later, Myoui.” Just like that, she made her way out of my apartment. I didn’t get whatever it was that she was trying to tell, I’m far too nauseated to understand. I threw up on the sink shortly after my encounter with her and decided to go back to sleep. I hope to have my head on straight the second time I wake up.

~

I kept my word and waited it out. It wasn’t that hard to since it was finals week and that kept the both of us preoccupied. Though I can’t deny the fact that I dread the moment that she and I have to talk about happened. Jeongyeon’s words meant very little to me. If Chaeyoung does love me then I have to hear it from her to believe it, though a part of me doubts that I ever will.

The week went by quickly and I soon found myself sitting at the park bench, wallowing in self-pity. I haven’t been here in a while. Unlike the last time I was here, there were significantly less people around. They were probably busy with finals as well, or maybe because it was winter. Continuing said wallowing, I decided to head towards the cafe. A sense of déjà vu hit me as I realized that I was basically doing what I did over a year ago. It hit even harder when I saw her in the same spot she was in when I first stalked her. Except this time, she was staring right at me. “Chaeng.” I muttered under my breath. She looked as if she was struggling to say something. I thought maybe she was trying to tell me about that night, that it was a mistake. I couldn’t bear to hear it. “Listen,” I started, “I get it. We don’t have to—"

“I love you.” Never in my life have I ever been so happy to be cut off. I felt the tears form and blur my vision. “I love you, Myoui Mina. I—"

“Stop. Please stop.” I had wanted to hear those words from her for so long, over and over, but not like this.

“What? Why?” she asked.

“You don’t have to this.”

“Do what?”

“You don’t have to make it up to me. You don’t have to feel guilty for forgetting about me. You don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to do this. I would rather not have you in my life at all than have stand there and act as if you love me when you really don’t!” I felt like an idiot, screaming and crying in front of my ex on a sidewalk.

“You’re right,” she started, “I do feel guilty about forgetting you, extremely guilty, and every part of me wants to make up for all of the lost time, but you’re wrong about that last part. I’m not acting, Mina. I do love you.”

“I don’t believe you. I can’t. I don’t know how much more my heart can take, Chaeyoung.”

“I love how you put ridiculous amounts of ketchup on your food. I love that you’re so obsessed with penguins that you basically walk like one. I love how you subconsciously wiggle your feet whenever you laugh.” she and I laughed a bit before she continued. “I love how happy you get whenever you win in games, and that gummy smile of yours. God, I love that smile.”

“Okay, I think you’ve made your point.” I said, giggling a bit.

“I know it’s hard for you. You look at me and you see the moments we’ve shared, moments only you know about. I don’t remember you. I don’t know if I’ll ever remember you... but I want to be with you. I want to show you that I love you in spite of everything, and as selfish as it sounds, I want you to love me too.” I finally let my walls down and agreed to what she wanted. This wasn’t the happy ending that I had in mind. She didn’t get her memories back and our future is clouded in uncertainty—

“I’ve always loved you.” –but this I’ll always be certain of.