Title: Alone, and Lonely
Genre: Angst

Jinki's

I want to love him. I really want to. But he is so difficult to love, too difficult to love.

I dialed his number, he picked up before I could even count to three.
He never takes the first step in calling me, yet the speed at which he picks up his phone is so fast, too fast. The kind of speed that seemed like he'd always been waiting for his phone to ring.

But he never takes the first step in calling me.

“Are you busy?” I asked. There was a lot of bustling from his end of the line. 
Busy, lively, noisy type of bustling.

“Nope. I’m at the café.”

“Alone?”

“Hmm.”

Busy, lively, noisy like it was crowded with people.
Yet, he is alone.

There is a wall guarding his heart. A wall that I can’t cross over.

He.
He is someone who is somewhat overly lonely.
He doesn’t call out for help, he doesn’t search for consolation.
When night falls, he is just alone like this.

I want to love him, but he is too difficult to love.

“Why didn’t you ask someone out?” I asked.

I asked because I didn’t understand, or because I was trying to sound him out. It was a question that spoke of the subject I did not mention, that spoke of ‘me’.
Why didn’t you ask me out? I wanted to ask.
But I dared not, I did not.

“It’s too troublesome.” As always, he only answered simply.
There were no further elaboration, no explanations.

Everyone has moments when they feel lonely.
But the difference is,
He, is so comfortable and free in his loneliness
So comfortable, and so free, that it makes my heart ache.

I really want to love him.

***
 

Kibum's

I want to love him. I really want to. But I don't dare to love. He is so perfect, too perfect.
The kind of perfect that I do not deserve, cannot dream of deserving.

My phone rang and I picked it up without even having to think. I know it must be him. 
I never take the first step in calling him, but I am always ready, always waiting for him to call.

But I still never take the first step in calling him. 

People always say, when you are alone, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are lonely. 
But me, I am both. 
Both alone, and lonely. 

There is a wall guarding my heart. A wall that I do not dare to let him cross over.

He is so kind. Only offering me his warmth, but not disrupting my loneliness. 
Not trying to be a part of my anything. 

"Why didn't you ask someone out?" He asked. He sounded kind of surprised, kind of hesitant. 

"It's too troublesome." I said. I said it casually, said it like it didn't matter.
I didn't dare to ask you out, I was afraid I might be disturbing you. I wanted to say. 
But I dared not, I did not.

A person like me.
Someone who isn't special, who is so inconspicuous, and who is somewhat overly lonely.
A person like me will not be loved.
Not to even mention wishfully dreaming of being loved by someone as gentle, and as wonderful as he is.

I am always only half existing. 
I am always imagining, and hoping that someone will come and save me. 

I really hope that he will save me. 

He, is so tender in his kindness.
So tender, that it makes my heart ache. 

I really want to love him.

A.N.: Nothing much, just a product of my own loneliness.