As an attempt to cope with his mixed emotions, Yijeong throws himself into practice as a distraction. If he’s really doing this, if he’s really reaching his goal of debuting, then he decides he has to give it his all. His coaches are pleased with the effort and it’s helping him to keep his mind off of all of the sacrifices he’s making, it’s helping him to fall asleep at night because he’s so exhausted. He has songs to record and choreography to practice and a music video to film, so there’s no time left over to think about his family or Kyungil or anything else.

Until they give him a release date for his mini-album, that is. That’s all it takes to make it real and overwhelming. Now it feels like a countdown to the end of his life as Jang Yijeong, the average 21 year old, and he’s unable to distract himself, he can’t think about anything else.

He asks his manager if he can spend one last night with his mom before his debut schedule begins and he’s granted permission. He knows he should stop lying, but if he doesn’t do this now, he’ll probably never have another chance. He packs up his things and he gets on a bus and hopes that he won’t be rejected. He supposes he can always go stay with his mom if it doesn’t work out. That should make him feel better, but he’s not sure if it’s working because he’s a giant ball of nerves.

He takes a deep breath before he rings Kyungil’s apartment. He can’t keep showing up without asking first; eventually Kyungil will get annoyed and tell him go away but the date for his debut is set for next week and he figures if he doesn’t try to see him one last time, he might never see him again. He doesn’t want to waste his last moments as a normal person; he knows his life is about to get even more complicated.

Kyungil’s face appears on the screen a moment later and he looks a little surprised, but he opens the door immediately and Yijeong takes the elevator up to his floor. Kyungil opens the door before he can knock and invites him inside.

“Is everything okay?” he asks as Yijeong takes off his shoes in the entryway. “One last time,” Yijeong says as he looks up at him desperately. “I’m debuting next week and I just can’t... lose you like this.” Kyungil’s eyes soften and he pulls Yijeong into a hug. Yijeong snuggles into the fabric of his hoodie and wraps his arms around Kyungil tightly in return. “Who said you’re gonna lose me?” You did, he thinks, when you didn’t invite me in last time. “It’s all just so complicated,” he mumbles into Kyungil’s hoodie. “Does your manager know you’re here?”

“He thinks I’m with my mom since I don’t know how much time I’ll have to see her after next week.” Kyungil sighs. “You’re still lying to the company?” Yijeong lets his arms drop and steps back out of Kyungil’s embrace. “This is the last time. After next week, I won’t lie to them and I won’t show up asking you for anything. Okay? So just... for just tonight can I just... pretend? Pretend we’re normal?” Pretend you feel as much for me as I do for you?

Kyungil looks at him, conflicted over how to keep from hurting him, but it’s far too late to bother with that. “I’m scared about debuting, I’m scared I’m not good enough and I’m scared... I’m scared that I’m gonna lose you forever so can you just... one last time... please?” He feels pathetic for asking so many times and he’s about three sentences from bursting into tears, but relief washes over him as Kyungil smiles gently and leans down to kiss the top of his head. “Of course. Of course, don’t cry, okay? I feel miserable when you cry because of me.”

Yijeong takes a deep breath and pulls Kyungil down into a fiery kiss because he just wants his brain to shut up already. Kyungil chuckles, pulling away slightly to say, “Wow, you don’t waste any time!” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “What, do you need more time? Cause usually...”

“No, I’m good. You’re just so forward today. It must be because you’re a celebrity now,” he teases. Yijeong shoves against his shoulder quickly. “Shut up and kiss me already,” he commands. “Oh, I think I’m gonna like celebrity-you a lot,” Kyungil adds before leaning down to kiss him, resting his hands on Yijeong’s hips as he drags him closer.

히스토리

Yijeong was hoping he’d be able to sleep if he was in Kyungil’s bed, but even that isn’t enough to quiet his thoughts tonight. He’s been staring up at the ceiling for thirty minutes, but he’s still unable to fall asleep as his mind races. Kyungil rolls over and notices that he’s awake, and reaches out to hold his hand gently. “You’re still awake? You must be really stressed out.” His voice sounds sleepy and relaxed as he squeezes Yijeong’s hand and releases it a couple of times. “It’s all going so fast, you know? And I mean, I’m not even going to have a group to promote with, I’m going to be all by myself.” His thoughts spill out quickly as Kyungil looks at him and holds his hand. “What if I... ? Or what if I don’t but nobody likes me anyway?”

“You’re not gonna . Trust me. You’re as ready as you’ll ever be to perform, the rest of it you’ll have to learn from experience. And how could no one like you? Everyone likes you. I like you.” Yijeong closes his eyes tightly for a second before rolling his head to the side so he can look at Kyungil. “That’s different. You don’t like me because of my voice or my music.”

“Why do I like you, then?” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “You tell me.” Kyungil chuckles softly. “What’s not to like? You’re talented and cute and you like me. And, I mean, sometimes you show up out of the blue and want to hook up with me, so that’s pretty cool too.” Yijeong scoffs. “Whatever. I’m never gonna hook up with my fans so I think your argument is invalid.”

“The company wouldn’t debut you as a solo if they thought you didn’t stand a chance on your own. They believe in you and I believe in you, so if you can start believing in yourself, then I don’t think you can fail. Seriously.” Yijeong sniffles quietly, emotions building back up again. “What am I gonna do without you?” Yijeong asks rhetorically, but Kyungil smiles. “You’re gonna take over the world.”

히스토리

Yijeong wakes up with a bit of a headache as the sun beams through Kyungil’s bedroom window. He opens his eyes, squinting as he looks around and tries to figure out what time it is. Kyungil’s not in bed next to him, but he knows that just means he’s up already and cooking in the kitchen. His stomach is all tied in knots from the stress and emotions, so he probably won’t be able to eat anything.

He puts on the spare clothes that he’d brought with him quickly, tries to tidy up his hair and walks from the bedroom to the kitchen. Kyungil’s hair is messy and he’s focused on preparing coffee, but he looks up when he hears Yijeong and smiles sleepily. “I was gonna bring this to you,” he says, his voice still half-asleep. “That’s okay.” Kyungil shakes his head. “Go sit down. It’ll be done in a minute.”

After a bit, Kyungil brings over two cups of coffee and hands one to Yijeong before he sits down. He stares off into space as he sips at his coffee, even though he can feel Kyungil’s eyes on him. “Is there anything else you want before...” he trails off and Yijeong finally turns to look at him. “I want time to stop. Just for a little while.” The edges of Kyungil’s mouth drop down slightly. “I would if I could, but I don’t have powers like those superheroes you like.”

“I know. I just... it’s all just so fast. I’ve wanted this for so long but now...” Yijeong shakes his head. “You know what I want? I don’t want to have to forget you after I debut.” Maybe that’s not the truth, maybe the truth is something more like, I don’t want you to forget me. “You don’t,” he says, “you don’t have to forget.”

Time passes quickly as they sit on the couch and Yijeong starts to feel more and more miserable as time goes by. They don’t say much as they finish off the rest of their coffee. After a little while, Kyungil gets a text from his manager and knows it’s time to go. He stands up from the couch and makes sure that he brings all of his things with him, head hung low as he wanders around the apartment.

Kyungil walks him to the door as he puts on his shoes and tries not to cry because it’s really the last time this time. “It’s not goodbye forever,” Kyungil reminds him, “it’s just goodbye for now.” Yijeong nods. “Can we just... not say goodbye at all?” Kyungil agrees. “See you later,” he tries and Yijeong smiles, pushing down all of his emotions. “See you later.”

He manages not to cry until he sits down on the bus to go back to the company. He sobs silently in the back of the bus, tears running down his face. Maybe he shouldn’t have done it. Maybe it was wrong to want to spend one last time together. It’s not that he regrets it, exactly, but now he knows that sort of thing only makes it harder to move on. Not that he’s planning on actually moving on. Not unless Kyungil does it first. Probably not even then.

This is the price of potential fame. This is just one of the many things he has to sacrifice just to have a shot at making it big doing something that he’s passionate about. He never questioned it before, but he’s starting to wonder if it’s actually worth it after all. He has to try. He’s made it this far; it would be idiotic to quit right before the finish line. Still, he’s starting to wonder how many more tears he’ll have to shed on his way to the top.

If anyone at the company notices that he’s a disaster, they don’t show it. They probably think he just misses his mom. They’re not totally wrong, it just that there’s someone else that he already misses more.

히스토리

His debut goes off without a hitch. The song is well received, the music video racks up a million views before too long and he starts making appearances on tv and building a small fan base. The company is pleasantly surprised; Yijeong is exhausted. The company moves him into a small apartment to accommodate his schedule and it’s not big, but it’s clean and nothing leaks so he’s satisfied. He hardly spends any time there anyway.

He gets to know his manager pretty well as he picks him up and drops him off from schedules. It’s kind of nice to have someone to talk to, even if he can’t talk about anything too real or controversial.

One night, a few weeks after he debuts, he gets a text from Kyungil, showing off the fact that he’d voted for him on a music broadcast. Yijeong texts back, “You know I wasn’t nominated for first place, right?” The reply comes in less than a minute later. “You’re first place in my heart,” it reads and Yijeong almost throws his phone down, cringing at his ridiculous... whatever he is. “You’re an idiot,” he texts back. “Who’s going to say cheesy things to you if not me? What would you do without me?...”

He misses him so much it hurts. Staying in contact like this shouldn’t make it harder, but it totally does. He’s tired and lonely and finally achieving his dreams shouldn’t seem like a bad thing, but it’s not working out the way he planned.

“Your stage costume is hot, by the way,” the next message reads and Yijeong almost chokes. “What are you talking about?” he replies. “I’ve never seen a ballad singer in such tight leather pants.” It’s definitely a lie, but Yijeong feels strangely flattered anyway. Flattered, but mostly embarrassed. “Thank your stylist for me.”

“Is that the only reason why you voted for me?” Yijeong texts back, even though he already knows the answer. “Well, I mean, it didn’t hurt...” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “Stop texting me, I have to practice.”

“Work hard,” Kyungil texts back and Yijeong stands back up in the practice room and focuses on his reflection in the mirror. All things considered, his debut is going well and the company seems pleased, but he still feels like something’s missing and he knows exactly what it is.