They don’t get to see each other more than once a week or so, but they’re texting a lot to make up for it. Yijeong thinks that he’s a lot better at flirting on his phone than he is in real life, and it’s nice that Kyungil can’t see his reaction to all of the cheesy, ridiculous, cutesy messages he sends him throughout the day. If he’s texting, Yijeong decides, then he’s not with anyone else for the moment and that brings him a little peace of mind, at least until he starts to feel gross and possessive over someone he has no right to.

He’s trying not to get too attached, he’s trying not to read too much into all of this, he’s trying to remember that it’s not anything serious to Kyungil, but knowing all of that isn’t really having an effect on him anymore. He knew he was in over his head from day one, but he just keeps sinking. He’s not sure if he’s ever fallen for anyone like this before and that’s as scary as it is thrilling. Well, admittedly, maybe a little more scary than thrilling but not scary enough to stop.

He’s sleeping less than ever thanks to his trips across town to Kyungil’s apartment and his inability to stop worrying and fall asleep. It didn’t matter much at first, but now his teachers are starting to realize that he’s not as focused as he used to be and he’s getting yelled at more and more. Even his vocal coach is assigning him extra practice time and his dancing hasn’t improved in weeks.

This problem escalates to the point that he’s called into the office and scolded for the fact that his progress has all but stalled out. It’s not like anyone here wants to hear his excuses, but he couldn’t tell them why he’s so distracted anyway. The real reason could get him in even bigger trouble, so he stays silent. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before and maybe they’re right, maybe he’s not cut out for this life. He’s not even sure he wants it anymore. It’s too complicated. Maybe he’d be better off as a normal person with a normal job and a normal boyfriend. All of the doubts in his head are crowding out his dreams and he knows he’ll have to make a decision soon so he can stop wasting everyone’s time.

“I got in trouble with the company.” Yijeong brings up the subject abruptly the next time he sees Kyungil at his apartment. “What? For sneaking out to see me?” Yijeong leans back into the couch. “No, for not working hard enough.”

“Why aren’t you working hard enough?” Not at all the reaction he wanted. “I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I’m barely sleeping...” As soon as he says it, he knows it’s a mistake. “Should we take a break, then? I mean, if this thing is interfering with your debut then we have to stop.” This thing, Yijeong thinks. This thing that obviously doesn’t matter as much to you as it does to me. “Is that what you want?” Kyungil can’t ignore the venom in Yijeong’s voice and he sighs. “Don’t turn this around on me, okay? The deal is that if this ever interferes with your future, we stop.”

“And what if I don’t want to stop?” What if you stop wanting me? “Then you’ll work harder.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and Kyungil sits down next to him on the couch. “If I’m the reason you can’t concentrate, then I should back off.”

“I don’t want you to back off.” I want you to stop confusing me so I can actually fall asleep. “What do you want then?” Yijeong knows he asking for a solution, for a backup plan, but that’s not the kind of answer he feels like giving right now. After all, they haven’t seen each other for more than a week and the last thing he wants is to waste any more time disagreeing.

“I want you,” he replies and finally gets the reaction he was looking for when Kyungil’s expression changes. “I’ll work harder, so don’t back off.” Come closer. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Kyungil kisses him for at least five minutes and Yijeong starts to think it finally might be heading somewhere when Kyungil takes his hand and leads him to his room, but they actually end up watching a movie in Kyungil’s bed and finishing off two bottles of wine in two and a half hours.

Maybe he’s a little disappointed at first but he feels warm and comfortable laying in Kyungil’s arms as the end credits begin to roll. After a moment, he hears Kyungil sniffling softly and sits up slightly. “You okay?” he asks, tilting his head a bit so he can see Kyungil’s face. “Are you... crying?”

“No,” he answers quickly, wiping his face roughly. “A little. I guess.” Yijeong chuckles and sits up next to him, laying his hands on Kyungil’s arm. “Was the movie really that sad? It didn’t seem sad to me...”

“She never knew how he felt,” Kyungil replies. “You’re a little drunk, aren’t you?” Yijeong says, moving over to wipe away Kyungil’s tears before leaning in to kiss him softly. “You don’t think it’s sad that they didn’t end up together?”

“It’s just life, isn’t it? It’s sad, but...” Yijeong shrugs, knowing that trying to have a debate with someone who’s drunk is never going to end well. “Maybe we should pick a happier movie next time.” Kyungil sits up next to him. “Do you know?” he asks suddenly, his eyes wide. “Do I know what?”

“That I feel... I feel,” he finishes weakly. “I wasn’t making fun of you, I’m sorry.” Yijeong smiles gently. “I’ve just never seen you cry at a movie before.”

“Not that, I... I feel... something.” Yijeong’s smile fades as he finally realizes what he’s talking about and his heart stops cold for a few seconds. “Oh. Oh, that something.” Kyungil reaches out to hold his hand tightly. “There’s... something, right? You know there’s... something.” How could he not know? If there wasn’t anything between them other than the promise of , they would have hooked up already and moved on. It’s just... something nameless because putting a name to it would mean confronting it and that could mean disaster if the names didn’t match, but it is definitely something. “Yeah. I know. Don’t worry.”

“Don’t forget... that, okay?” Yijeong nods. “I should... go home before I get in any more trouble.” Kyungil pouts slightly. “Can’t you stay?” It’s not easy, but he pulls himself away and gets out of bed. “Not tonight. They might kick me out if I keep stepping out of line.”

Kyungil slumps his shoulders and follows him out of the bedroom and into the living room as he checks his pockets to make sure that he has his wallet and his phone. Then he steps down into the entryway and puts on his shoes. Kyungil continues to pout drunkenly as Yijeong gets ready to leave. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I’ll give you a ride to the company first thing tomorrow morning.” It’s not that he doesn’t want to stay; it’s just too risky. “They’re already unhappy with me right now, I don’t want to make it any worse.” Kyungil nods. “I understand,” he says before leaning down to kiss him passionately.

Kisses like these are the reason why he thought this night was heading somewhere new a few hours ago and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t questioning his decision to go home tonight, but Kyungil’s drunk and that’s not the kind of thing he’s willing to take advantage of. Especially considering it would be their first time together. To be honest, even though they’ve been building toward it for a long time and so that can’t possibly be the only reason why Kyungil’s interested in him, there’s still a part of him that thinks the spell will be broken as soon as they reach that milestone and he doesn’t want to risk that, especially when he’s not even certain how much of it Kyungil would even remember.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Yijeong promises as soon as he manages to pull away, “and we can pick up right where we left off.” Kyungil smiles lazily and leans against the wall. “I’m gonna hold you to that.” Yijeong opens the door and Kyungil requests, “Text me when you get back to the dorm or I’ll worry.” Yijeong knows some of Kyungil’s drunk habits so he’s fairly confident that he’ll pass out long before he receives that text message, but he agrees anyway before kissing Kyungil goodbye quickly. “Get some sleep,” he says as he steps out into the hallway. “You too,” Kyungil replies before closing the door. Yijeong feels strangely regretful as he walks to the bus stop to go back to the dorm, but he knows he’s doing the right thing. If you can call lying to everyone and risking everything ‘the right thing’.

He sends a text to Kyungil as soon as he’s in bed, not expecting a reply but keeping his promise anyway. At least it’s something to both of them. Maybe it’s only something to Kyungil when he’s drunk, but he can live with that. It’s progress, at least. It’s something.

히스토리

After another rough week, Yijeong’s feeling beaten down. First, his new dance teacher was still as impatient with him as ever, expecting him to master brand new routines in a few hours. Then his vocal coach got on his case about protecting his throat condition and sleeping more and he couldn’t even fight it because the truth is that he hasn’t been taking full advantage of the time he could be sleeping. Worst of all, he hasn’t seen Kyungil in more than two weeks and he hasn’t heard from him in at least half that time. He can’t shake the sinking feeling that he’ll move on because they never have time to see each other anymore.

He texts Kyungil as soon as his classes are over to tell him that he’ll be there in half an hour. Kyungil doesn’t answer, but Yijeong goes anyway because he’s fed up with everything and he’s not going to let anything else keep him from kissing the person he’s been dying to kiss for two weeks that feel like a lifetime.

He enters Kyungil’s apartment number on the keypad and the door opens almost immediately, so at least he knows he’s home. Yijeong takes the elevator to the fourth floor, walks up to the eighth door and rings the doorbell. It’s only a matter of seconds before the door opens and almost immediately, Yijeong’s kissing him in the hallway.

“Whoa,” Kyungil says, pulling away, “can I at least close the door first?” Defeated, Yijeong’s shoulders slump and he backs away slowly. “I’m not complaining,” Kyungil clarifies, “it was just a surprise.” It doesn’t really make him feel better, but he walks inside and closes the door anyway. After taking off his shoes, he follows Kyungil into the living room and then he’s being the one kissed without any warning. He soon discovers that he prefers it that way. It’s less risky.

“So, I take it you didn’t get over me while I was gone,” Yijeong says when they finally come up for air. “What? Of course not.” Kyungil seems genuinely offended at the implication and Yijeong knows he’s run too far ahead. Again. “I take it you missed me?” Yijeong crosses his arms. “Maybe a little.” You didn’t text me back. “What’s going on?” Kyungil asks, noticing that something’s off. “I want to quit.”

“Quit? Quit what?” Yijeong makes himself comfortable on the couch and waits for Kyungil to sit down before answering him because he knows this conversation isn’t going to go well, but it’s time to have it anyway. “I want to leave the company.”

“Did something happen?” Yijeong shrugs. “I’m not getting anywhere, I keep getting distracted and I don’t even think this is what I want anymore.”

“You don’t want to sing anymore?” Kyungil asks. “Not like this.” They sit in silence for a moment, but Yijeong knows he’s not going to give up this easily. “I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that.”

“You don’t have to believe me. It’s my decision.” The words come out like he’s been planning on what to say for a long time. Maybe he has. “You’re right, but if you quit we have to stop this too.” It seems like Kyungil expects him to understand and to agree without a fight, but he should know better. “That doesn’t make any sense. I want to be with you and I don’t want to be a singer. So I’ll quit training and be with you.”

“You’re not the kind of person who gives up their dreams because of a relationship. I know you better than that.” If you knew me, you wouldn’t be doing this to me. “Then I’ll quit training and being with you. Will you believe me then?” Yijeong stands up from the couch, angrily crossing his arms. “Stop telling me what to do. We’re both adults here, okay?”

“I’m not. I’m just telling you what I can’t do.” Kyungil’s tone is easy and it doesn’t seem like he’d be bothered at all to end things between them right here and now. In reality, it’s breaking Yijeong’s heart but he’s trying to channel that emotion into anger instead. “So that’s it, huh? Just like that? You don’t want to be in my life if I’m not a miserable trainee? Fine. I don’t want to be in yours either.” He stomps out, stepping into his shoes and opening the door.

There is a part of him that wants Kyungil to stop him, to come after him, to tell him that he didn’t mean it after all, that he doesn’t want to lose him. None of that happens and by the time he sits down at the bus stop, he figures he should have known there was no chance of that. That it was finally over.

It’s not the first time he’s cried quietly in the back of a bus.

It almost certainly will not be the last.