It’s an ordinary day to everyone else, but today turns out to be the day that Yijeong lies to his company for the very first time. He tells his vocal coach that his mom is in the hospital and that he needs to go visit her because he doesn’t know if it’s anything serious yet. That’s how desperate he’s become. Now he’s lying about his mother’s health and it’s not a good look on him. Of course, his teacher believes him because he’s never lied to anyone here before and tells him he can skip his last class for the day.

Ten minutes later, Yijeong’s on a bus headed straight downtown where he knows Kyungil is busy teaching his last class at a reasonably nice looking dance studio. Kyungil doesn’t know Yijeong’s planning on coming to see him, he probably doesn’t even know that Yijeong knows his work schedule, but he’s always been detail oriented and even more so when it involves people he cares about, people like Kyungil.

He lies easily, gets on a bus easily, gets off the same bus easily and stands in front of a rather intimidating building. It takes him a full minute before he can walk in, pretending it’s easy, and he tells the receptionist he’s here to see a teacher. She tells him that his last class should finish soon and invites him to wait in the hall until he’s done.

Kyungil is teaching a group of rambunctious 7 and 8-year-olds patiently; Yijeong can see him through the glass window in the door and his breath catches like he’s forgotten just how beautiful he thinks Kyungil is. He looks happy, Yijeong muses contently. Will he be happy to see me?

A few minutes later, parents appear to pick up their kids and the door to the practice room opens. It’s immediately chaos of moving and chattering as the kids file out to find their parents. It’s in this moment that Yijeong thinks this was a terrible idea and wonders if he should just exit with the crowd before anyone knows he’s not really supposed to be here but before he can make a decision, Kyungil’s face appears in the doorway. He’s obviously caught off guard to see Yijeong standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?” Yijeong’s worried that he’s upset for a minute, worried that the receptionist will hear and have him hauled out by security, but the smile on his face suggests otherwise. Yijeong’s not sure what to say, with kids running back and forth between them to their parents’ frustration.

“Wait in here, I’ll be right back.” Yijeong walks into the practice room and Kyungil closes the door before he walks out into the main room. That could have been worse, Yijeong decides as he wanders around the room, exploring the unfamiliar surroundings. It’s about five minutes before Kyungil returns, keys in hand. He jingles the keys before putting them in his pocket. “I convinced her to let me lock up, so it’s just us now.” Yijeong turns around at his words, unsure of what he means and his heart feels tight in his chest. “She must trust you a lot,” he says to make up for the fact that he has no idea what to say. “Yeah, she loves me.”

Oh. Of course. It’s not the first time Yijeong’s seen Kyungil flirt to get what he wants. He’s been on the receiving end a few times. “So, should we get started?” Yijeong drags his focus back to the moment he’s living in right now. “Started on what?” he squeaks, his voice sounding wrong as it echoes off the walls. “Dance practice. That’s why you came down here, right?” Right. Of course that’s why he’s here. “Why else would I show up unannounced?” he says, like it’s obvious, like there’s no possible reason why he’d come to see him on a whim. Like it isn’t just because he missed him so bad he couldn’t breathe or think or exist. Of course there’s a purpose to this, of course he’s here to practice.

Yijeong’s suddenly grateful that he’s kept downloading dance videos to his phone even since Kyungil left so he has something he can show when he asks, “What have you been working on?” Kyungil watches the video for a minute before nodding confidently. “Oh, you can handle this one. It’s simple.” Yijeong doesn’t buy it, but it’s not like he has any choice but to let Kyungil teach him the way he used to. He got himself into this situation and he has to see it through. Kyungil turns on the song and tells him, “Show me how far you’ve gotten.”

Yijeong takes a deep breath, and then another, but his heart just won’t calm down as he starts to dance, intensely aware of Kyungil’s eyes on him, checking his form, noting the weak points, planning out how he’ll help him fix them. It’s not the first time, and it hasn’t been that long since the last time, but today it’s driving him crazy as Kyungil watches him dancing and he messes up the moves more and more as the routine continues and his focus wanes.

Kyungil turns off the music and stands next to Yijeong in the mirror. “Okay, this one?” he says as he demonstrates the move effortlessly. “Turn your arm in instead of out and slow it down a little.” He demonstrates again, more slowly and Yijeong tries to follow along, trying to ignore everything else and focus only on what he’s supposed to be focused on. Not the way he can feel Kyungil’s eyes on him, not the way he keeps leaning over to correct his form, not the way he keeps avoiding eye contact when Kyungil comes too close. Focus on dancing. It’s just dancing. Focus. Yijeong repeats the word internally over and over again, but it doesn’t seem to help because the next thing he knows, Kyungil’s standing in front of him. Finally, he seems to notice Yijeong’s glassy eyes and puts his hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright? Too tired for this? Should we take a break?”

The concern in his voice is breaking Yijeong down quickly and he’s filled with an intense urge to run because he’s not sure what he’ll do next if he stays here. Probably the wrong thing. “No,” he says, shaking Kyungil’s hand off his shoulder. “Keep going.” Kyungil doesn’t look convinced, but he moves on to the next part of the choreography and Yijeong follows his instructions for the next 30 minutes. “Anything else you want to work on?” Kyungil asks and Yijeong shakes his head. “No, I should go.”

“I’ll give you a ride then,” Kyungil offers and Yijeong knows he shouldn’t accept, but he’s not ready to say goodbye just yet. Kyungil turns off the lights in the dance studio and locks up behind him as Yijeong follows. “My car’s in the garage across the street,” Kyungil says, but Yijeong’s not listening much, just following blindly and ignoring his internal voice that says this was a terrible idea. He gets into the passenger seat and Kyungil turns over the engine. “Want to go to my place first?” God, yes. “I mean, you haven’t seen it yet. It’s nothing fancy, but...”

“Yes. I mean, okay. I’d like to see it.” Yijeong’s never disliked the sound of his own voice this much before, but he keeps sounding weaker and he knows now is not the time for weakness. Kyungil turns on the radio and drives for a few minutes before he asks, “Are you sure everything is okay? Is something going on at the company?” Yijeong shakes his head. “Everything is fine,” he lies and realizes he’s getting much better at that these days.

It doesn’t really hit him until he’s standing in the living room of Kyungil’s apartment, but he quickly realizes what a terrible idea this is. “It’s small, but it’s nicer than the dorm,” Kyungil says and Yijeong can’t argue with that. “I’m gonna order some food, do you want something?” Yijeong shrugs because he knows he should eat, but he’s not at all hungry. “I’ll eat anything,” he lies again and Kyungil doesn’t seem to believe him but he leaves to find a takeout menu anyway. Yijeong sits down on the couch, feeling extremely awkward, and curses himself internally for putting himself in this situation, again.

Kyungil sits on the couch and calls in the order before he turns on the tv and flips through the channels. “So, how goes the trainee life these days? Anything changed from when I was there?” Yijeong thinks he’s acting way too nonchalantly and it’s making him even more nervous. “Nothing new to report,” he says and Kyungil doesn’t say anything else until the food arrives. They just sit on the couch awkwardly like they haven’t known each other for months as the minutes drag on and on.

When the food finally arrives, he lays all of the containers out on the coffee table and hands Yijeong a pair of chopsticks. Yijeong starts to force himself to eat, but before he can decide on what to try, Kyungil opens his mouth to speak. “I can’t date you,” he tells him abruptly and Yijeong’s glad he wasn’t eating yet because he probably would have choked and embarrassed himself even more. He sets down his chopsticks and turns to look at Kyungil. “When did I ask you to?” Yijeong manages to ask. “Going to that movie... wasn’t a date,” he begins, “but I feel like you wanted it to be.”

“I know it wasn’t a date, you were the one acting weird,” Yijeong reminds him. “Fine, maybe you didn’t want it to be a date. But maybe I... did.” Yijeong’s not even sure if he’s breathing anymore, unsure of what to say or do, unsure of how to keep from ruining everything by saying something stupid. “Maybe?”

“Maybe,” Kyungil replies, looking at him nervously before turning back toward the table and reaching for a container to eat from. “I wasn’t planning on dating you.” Yijeong’s not even sure what’s a lie and what’s true anymore. “Then why did you kiss me back?” Okay, Yijeong thinks to himself, if we’re going to talk about this, let’s actually talk. “Because I wanted to kiss you. I never said anything about dating you.”

“Good. Because we can’t. Someday you’re going to be famous and I’m not gonna be the one who s that up for you.” Kyungil’s not looking at him, picking at his food absently. “I’m not gonna let you that up for me,” Yijeong counters and Kyungil finally looks at him again. “The last guy I dated almost ruined my life. I’m not interested in going through that again. So, we can’t date.” He’s not telling the whole truth but his voice is steady and he knows Kyungil doesn’t have any reason to doubt him so he continues. “If you’re not bringing this up because you want to date me, then what do you want?”

“I want to kiss you.” If Yijeong was breathing before, he’s certainly stopped now. “When do you want to kiss me?” All the confidence has left his voice and he feels small again. “Most of the time.” It’s not that he believes it, but he just really wants to. “Like... right now?”

“Yeah. Like right now.” Yijeong sends up a silent prayer of thanks to the universe and anyone else who’s listening before gathering up the rest of his courage to say, “Then why aren’t you doing it yet?” The tension in the room shifts as Kyungil turns to him. “Don’t you have to get back to the dorm?” he asks. “I think I can wait a little longer.”

“There’s no going back from here, are you okay with that?” God, yes. Yijeong decides there’s no need for words at this point and closes the distance between them so he can kiss Kyungil before he changes his mind. It seems that’s all the encouragement he needs because he’s immediately pulling Yijeong closer and kissing him back. It’s better than the last time, if you ask Yijeong. Less tentative, less confusing, less likely to stop before he’s ready, as if he could ever be ready.

Yijeong’s not really sure what would have happened if his phone hadn’t gone off and interrupted them, but he’s hoping he’ll have time to find out in the future. He realizes he’s basically ended up in Kyungil’s lap as he has to climb off to reach his phone where it rests on the coffee table. There are two texts from his manager, one that says, “Are you still at the hospital?” and another that reads, “Are you coming back to the dorm or staying with your mom tonight?” Frankly, he’d almost forgotten the lies he’d told at the company and since it’s going so well, he’s tempted to say he’s spending the night so he can stay here and find out exactly what would happen between them if they eliminated all interruptions... but he doesn’t want to test his luck today, not when he’s pretty sure he’s just used it all up on the fact that the most attractive man he’s ever seen in his life is interested in him enough to kiss him. Repeatedly.

“Gotta go back?” Kyungil asks and Yijeong nods. “Yeah.” Kyungil gets up from the couch to put away the leftover food that they barely touched while Yijeong texts his manager that he’s heading back to the dorm now. “So... what does this, like, mean?” he asks when Kyungil returns from the kitchen. Where do we go from here? “Well, we can’t date, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out like... this. If you really think you can handle that.” Yijeong has been lying all day, so it isn’t hard for him to come up with a response he knows will convince Kyungil that he’s capable of a relationship like this. “Of course I can handle it. Can you?” The fake confidence sounds wrong to him but Kyungil doesn’t seem to notice, or he at least doesn’t let on. “I only have classes to teach on Saturday morning this week. Are you free at all this weekend?”

“I’ll work something out.” Kyungil nods and Yijeong gets up from the couch. “Let’s get you back to the dorm before you miss your curfew.”

히스토리

Yijeong may have gotten better at lying to other people lately, but he’s still not all that good at lying to himself. Not at night, in the dark, when all of his lies start to pile up and bury him. He’s staring at the bottom of the top bunk and thinking about Kyungil. More specifically, about the lies he told Kyungil.

It wasn’t a lie that he’d had a disastrous relationship during the time he spent training at his first company, with a guy he’d known during high school. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to make sure that Yijeong didn’t ever think he could have a relationship and fame at the same time. Someday, he’d have to choose. But Kyungil said they couldn’t have a relationship like that, that they couldn’t date, so that should have solved the problem. Right?

It would have been if Yijeong didn’t have any interest in dating him but that was a lie that he told Kyungil, not one that he could believe himself. Not at two in the morning in the dark, not when he sees him every time he closes his eyes. He’s trying to be the no-strings-attached kind of person, but it’s not who he really is. He’s trying not to wonder who what Kyungil’s doing when they aren’t together, but he’s still wondering. It’s wearing him down and he knows that it’ll all blow up someday, but he doesn’t care enough to stop. He’s decided to just take it as it comes, even though historically speaking he at that, since he knows it’s crazy enough that Kyungil wants him at all and he’ll take what he can get.