The Prince & the Pauper

renamed The Prince, the Pauper, the Not-So-Prince(ss), and the Regular

Once upon a time, there lived a prince. And that was just it. He was your average, extremely good-looking prince, and there wasn't much else to him. Or, at least, that's what he believed.

On this particular day, though, to say Donghae was displeased was only half of it. He was angry, annoyed, and agravated. And it was only nine in the morning. His servant had woken him up earlier, without even breakfast to accomodate the bad news, saying that his parents had an announcement to tell him and the rest of their court. Donghae threw a pillow at his servant, then apologized because he actually liked Ryeowook. Ryeowook, always understanding and polite, told him it was okay, before taking a leave.

Thirty minutes later, and the day was already ruined the moment his parents announced, "Our son is getting married!"

At first, Donghae thought it was his brother who had left for a different country to study. He was excited to hear his brother had found himself a wife, but after seeing no sign of Donghwa, his hopes started to sink. They couldn't possibly be talking about...

"Donghae is to elope with a princess from a neighboring kingdom!" 

And he was so close to escaping if the guards hadn't caught him. Damn that horse of a guard they hired last week.

The whole court seemed excited. After all, the king was aging, and there would need to be a new king sooner or later. With Donghwa away, Donghae was the only one left to serve the role. Handsome and talented, everyone already loved him. Many girls had lined up to claim his heart (and the throne beside it), but Donghae never was interested in that. He wanted to live his own life, not take control of others'.

His parents decided enough was enough, though, apparently. "Her name is Sunny, and she is a beautiful, young girl. She will be visiting in two days, so I hope you all treat her as our own."

Directing his stare at the court's 'clown' (who didn't have an official role, actually, but just wandered into the castle one day and Donghae felt so bad for him that he wouldn't let anyone throw him out), the king said, "Except you, Yesung. Don't go near her." Said man hung his head in disappointment, holding his turtles as he walked off. "That includes your turtles, too!"

"Oh, come on!" Yesung's voice protested. Donghae watched as Ryeowook walked over to the older man, patting him sympathetically.

Now, his father's look was on Donghae. "I expect you to be here on time when she visits in two days. Don't be wandering out again."

Donghae pouted, but nodded anyway. He watched as his parents went on to take care of other matters - such as the shortage of milk throughout the nearby town under their rule, and the sudden robberies of gossip magazines at hair salons throughout the kingdom.  With a sigh, he made his way to meet his friend.

"Why the long face?" Yunho asked, raising an eyebrow at his long-time friend. The two were close since birth due to the fact that their parents were good friends in high school, which Donghae assumed was a very, very long time ago.

"I'm getting married," he sighed. 

"Oh, wow, man! Congrats!" he said, patting his back with more enthusiasm than Donghae could handle. He almost fell off the seat from the force.

"To a stranger."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Yunho sat there in silence. "If it helps, my relationship with Jaejoong is going wonderfully right now."

Donghae looked at him with a WTF look on his face. "How does that help in any way whatsoever?!"

Yunho shrugged. "It helps me."

"You're an idiot," Donghae deadpanned.

"Who's ridiculously handsome," Yunho finished. "And that's all that matters." Donghae threw a pillow at his (handsome) head, but the other caught it. Donghae glared at the muscles that bulged as they moved. Disgusting.

"Why do I hang out with you?" Donghae groaned, practically pulling out his hair.

"Because I know how to cheer you up," Yunho said cheekily. "Come on! Let's go get a drink! Jaejoong heard from Yoochun who heard from Junsu who heard from Changmin - wait, or was it Changmin who heard from Junsu - or maybe it was -"

Donghae watched in despair as Yunho talked to himself. Honestly, he was so close to befriending that kid Kibum instead of Yunho. Kibum at least seemed normal.

"ANYWAY, there's this new bar in town," Yunho finally finished. "And they apparently have the best drinks." 

Donghae seemed interested. He always did love his alcohol, courtesy of his old guard, Kangin, who may or may not have had a drinking problem. 

"Let's go."

x 

Donghae was going to kill Yunho. He was going to take a very sharp knife and plunge it through his chest several times, sparing his face because he wasn't that evil, and then he would dump his body in a very cold river and preserve it with ice and such so that he could throw darts at it later. That is how much Donghae hated Yunho at the moment. Enough to commit a crime.

Now that he thought about it, maybe that'd get him out of the marriage, too.

Donghae was seriously considering the plan now.

And what exactly created such a deep hatred for Donghae's closest, oldest friend?

The bar. Or, more specifically, the gay bar Yunho had taken him to with the great drinks. 

And yes, the drinks were quite great, Donghae must admit. But to that first part - not as great. You see, Donghae's wasn't (yet) gay. He liked women. He liked s and curves and legs and long eyelashes and red lipstick and he was not gay.

Did Yunho doubt that or something?

And to make matters worse, Yunho had ditched him the moment Jaejoong called. 

So now, Donghae was alone in a gay bar. Attractive, royal Donghae was alone in a gay bar full of other men looking for a relationship or something. Oh, God, Donghae didn't belong here...

Curse these delicious drinks! 

"You seem out of place," the bartender said, raising an amused eyebrow.

"Hit on me and I'll have you locked away for so long that you won't even be able to remember why you're locked away," Donghae warned with a glare.

The man only laughed though, catching Donghae off-guard. No one ever really laughed at Donghae. Except maybe Yesung, but Yesung laughed at everything. He even laughed at a plant once. 

"Don't worry," he said. "I have standards, and you don't quite meet them."

"Excuse me?!" Was Donghae - attractive, strong, PRINCE Donghae - being rejected?! 

"You heard me," he said, grinning. "But you really do look like you're out of place. I'm guessing you're not even gay."

"Well, you guessed right," Donghae grumbled, still miffed at being rejected. 

"Ah. And I'm also going to guess that you have some problem you're trying to drink away, looking at all the empty glasses around you."

"No , Sherlock," Donghae said, rolling his eyes.

"I'M SO CURIOUS, YEAH!" someone yelled from the other side of the bar.

"Shut up, Jonghyun," the bartender groaned, annoyed. "You need to go home!"

"But Key's mad at me," the other man sniffled. "He scares me."

"He's always mad at you," he snapped. "Want to know why?" Before the other man could even respond, he answered, "Because you're an idiot. Now shoo." Donghae watched as Jonghyun leaved dejectedly, his money left on the table as the other bartender took it gingerly and put it away, bidding him a good night anyway.

"Harsh much?" Donghae noted.

"Nah, I've known Jonghyun for years," the bartender said. "Now enough about my problems. What about yours?"

"I'm getting married to some girl I've never met," Donghae grumbled, taking another gulp of alcohol and ignoring the slight burn in his throat as he chugged it down. "And my parents just told me today."

"Ouch," the bartender said. 

"Yeah, I know."

"Hey... where do you live...?" the bartender suddenly asked.

Donghae glared at him. "I thought I wasn't your type." 

The bartender rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, I heard the prince is about to married to some princess, and it was arranged and cheesy like that. You're the prince, aren't you?" He paused, taking a look at him. "Not as handsome as I expected."

Donghae gaped. "Excuse me?!"

The bartender ignored him, though, looking in thought. "Hey, I have an idea."

"That's great," Donghae said, rolling his eyes. "Why do I care?"

"Because it could get you out of this marriage."

Donghae sat up in his seat. "I'm listening..."

"We could switch spots. I could marry this princess, and you could stay here and be a bartender."

Donghae snorted at the ridiculous plan. "That is so stupid. I mean, why would you even want to marry a princess? You're gay, aren't you?"

"Not really," he said. "I'm bi."

Donghae shrugged. "No matter. We also don't look anything alike."

The bartender grinned. "I've met some of the court already, and they're idiots. And I heard your parents are losing their sight these days."

Donghae listened thoughtfully. "You're right."

"Listen. I just want to escape this terribly boring life of bartending to guys. I wouldn't mind marrying some princess to escape it. But you - you look like you want to be free of your life. So why not be a bartender? You could even move away later, explore a little."

The idea was starting to tempt Donghae. With a grin, he nodded at the smirking bartender. 

"Great. You're now Cho Kyuhyun."

"And how nice it is to meet you Lee Donghae."

x

Kyuhyun, now Donghae, was surprised their prince was such an idiot. Who would give up marrying a pretty princess to be king? Being king meant everything! Absolute power, everyone bowing to you, food and games. Yes, Kyuhyun would enjoy being king.

As he expected, no one really noticed. The kingdom was a bit... slow. Handsome people all looked alike to them. Kyuhyun, with quite the face himself, could easily pass as a prince.

"Ah, Prince Donghae, you're back," Ryeowook said, smiling at him.

"Um... yes..." Kyuhyun said slowly.

"Your father has announced me that, due to the splendid weather lately, the princess will actually be visiting tomorrow. He expects you to greet her at noon tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

Ryeowook bowed. "Have a nice evening, Kyuhyun. Stay well."

"Go well?" Kyuhyun replied, not completely used to the castle's manners.

He wasn't worried to meet the princess. After all, he had signed up for this. Instead, he sleeped like a baby on his very comfortabel and expensive bed, eating whenever he decided he wanted to eat and buying games he had heard of as a bartender. He played for entire morning before Ryeowook came in to remind him.

"It's time to meet Sunny, Prince Donghae."

Kyuhyun reluctantly logged off. "Yeah, sure. Let's go."

The two walked down to the front of the castle where an entourage of horses (no, Siwon was not there) and pretty people came riding in. Glitter surrounded them, and classical music started playing. Kyuhyun was trying to pinpoint its origin so that he didn't realize the princess had already stepped out of her carriage and approached.

And in all honesty, the moment Kyuhyun saw 'her', he almost laughed. But he was able to hold it in as they introduced themselves to each other.

"I'm Sunny," 'her' sweet voice came.

Kyuhyun grinned. "I'm Donghae. Do you mind if we take a walk together? Get to know each other since we're going to get married?" 

Sunny seemed surprised, but she didn't show it. She only waved to her entourage who continued to move into the castle and nodded at Kyuhyun. The two started walking to the garden where barely anyone was, because really, who liked to look at flowers at noon? No one.

"So... Sunny... they failed to mention you were a man," Kyuhyun said, his voice completely nonchalant as he walked calmly beside 'her'.

'She' sighed, already giving up. "Yes, well, I'm not really Sunny, obviously." He pulled off his wig, happy to be free of it. It was way too hot wearing that thing.

"Then who are you?"

"Sungmin, her cousin. That ran off with some baker's son," he snapped, scowling. "And no, she's not really a . I'm just mad at her for leaving me to clean up her mess."

"I see."

"And you're not really the prince," Sungmin said. Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow. "I've seen Donghae's picture before. A lot of the girls at our kingdom think he's handsome."

"I'm not handsome?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're not Donghae, so who are you?"

"A bartender."

Sungmin blinked. "Classy?"

Kyuhyun chuckled. "Yeah, well, Donghae didn't want to marry a stranger, and I was sick of serving others."

"You seem like you'd be a bad bartender."

"Thanks," Kyuhyun said dryly. 

"You're welcome. So I guess we're going to be married, Mr. Bartender."

"Name's Kyuhyun."

"Guess we're going to be married, Kyuhyun."

Kyuhyun grinned. "Is it weird that I suddenly am very excited for this?"

Sungmin snorted, stopping in his walk. Kyuhyun stopped too, waiting. Then, Sungmin walked up to him and brought their faces very, very close to each other. Kyuhyun almost leaned forward to capture his temptingly pink lips, but he didn't want to lose either. This was a game and he knew it. "Not weird at all," Sungmin whispered into his ear, his warm breath taunting. He pulled away and, grinning his own wicked grin that almost rivaled Kyuhyun's, continued walking.

Kyuhyun followed. This would be funner than he expected.

x

This was a lot less fun than Donghae expected.

Who knew work was so tiring?

Donghae was cleaning up the bar after his first full night working. Last night, after meeting Kyuhyun, he didn't stay around to help clean up. He was too busy being introduced to the place he'd be staying at, courtesy of Kyuhyun. He wasn't exactly impressed, but at least he was free now. After twenty-four years of entrapment, he was finally free. 

Of course, it waking up without breakfast by his bed, and without his bath already run. It not even having warm water to shower in, and the cold water was sure to make Donghae sick. And it walking to work with people staring at you curiously. It more than Donghae expected it to.

"Kyuhyun. You're here early," a voice greeted him. Donghae turned around abruptly to see the other bartender from last night, who Kyuhyun said was Leeteuk, his boss. 

"Ah... yes..."

"You can go clean up the bathrooms then. I don't even want to tell you what happened in there last night." He handed Donghae a mop and a plunger and said something that sounded like a prayer but Donghae wasn't exactly sure.

He found out when he entered the restroom. "HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!" 

x

When Donghae was done unearthing the restroom, he walked out, disgusted with himself and dying to take a shower. His boss wasn't there anymore, it seemed, and Donghae was about to sneak out when someone cleared his throat.

"Kyuhyun...?"

Donghae spun around, startled by the new person. He didn't recognize him at all.

"I know I'm early today, but..." the man trailed off, raising an eyebrow. "You're not Kyuhyun."

"Who are you?" Donghae asked instead, avoiding the accusation.

"Hyukjae, Kyuhyun's regular. I always come in for a drink... and you're not Kyuhyun," he repeated.

"I'm Donghae."

"Where's Kyuhyun?"

"What are you, his boyfriend?"

Hyukjae rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "I already told you I'm his regular. Only Kyuhyun knows how to make my drink. So where is he?"

"He's not here."

Hyukjae blinked. "Well, obviously. Is he going to come in later?"

"Probably not," Donghae said, walking behind the counter.

"Why not?"

Donghae frowned, not liking all of the questions. "He just isn't. He... went traveling." All the way to the castle, Donghae added mentally.

Hyukjae snorted, obviously not believing Donghae. He pulled a stool down from the counter and sat on it, turning his body towards Donghae. "Since when does Kyuhyun even have the money to buy extra food?" 

"... he got a raise."

"And you're a bad liar. Listen, Donghae, if that's who you really are -"

"What do you mean? That's my name!" Donghae snapped, glaring at him. Seriously, with the way things were going now, Donghae was tempted to make Hyukjae a drink just to spit in it.

"- Kyuhyun is the only one who knows how to make my drink, so where is he?" Hyukjae was beginning to look impatient, not that Donghae even cared. This "regular" was awfully annoying. Huh. Makes sense, the more Donghae thought about it. After all, Kyuhyun wasn't exactly a cup of tea either.

"I'll make your drink," Donghae said, just to shut him up.

Hyukjae went oddly silent before answering, a bit quieter than before, "No, it's okay."

Donghae turned around to make sure he was still talking to Hyukjae. Sure enough, he was. "Dude, just tell me the drink, and I'll make it. I'm sure I can make it just as well as Kyuhyun -"

"It's okay," Hyukjae repeated, his jaw set.

"Seriously, just tell me the damn drink already and I'll make it for you."

Hyukjae stared.

Donghae stared.

Hyukjae slowly got up.

Donghae slowly moved.

Then Hyukjae immediately made a dash for the door, but not before Donghae jumped on him from across the counter, grabbing a hold of his jacket.

"Don't stretch it!" Hyukjae screeched.

"Tell me the drink!"

"NEVER!"

"Do it! Or I'll - I'll -"

"You'll what?" Hyukjae asked challengingly, although it wasn't much of a challenge as Donghae had his arms pinned behind his back and his face smashed against a wall in a very uncomfortable position. It was for both of them, actually, as Donghae hit himself as he launched himself over the counter, and it was starting to hurt himself to hold Hyukjae.

And then Donghae finally realized something. With a smirk, he leaned in closer (he could hear Hyukjae gulp) and murmurred something into his ear. Hyukjae paled.

"H-How did you kn-know?" he stammered, shocked.

"I have my ways." Donghae grinned. "Now tell me the drink."

Grumbling to himself, Hyukjae mumbled something.

"What?" Donghae asked, honestly not hearing a word he said.

Hyukjae said it a little louder this time. "Strwbrrymlk."

Donghae thought he knew what it was, but he wanted clarification.

"Speak up."

"Strawberry milk, dammit!"

And Donghae still didn't hear, because he was too busy laughing on the floor to. 

A/N: I have so many ideas for this fic, but when it comes to writing them, I just go, "... uh..." OTL I'm sorry for being such a terrible writer T.T

"Stay well" and "go well" is pretty much because my literature class watched the movie for Cry, the Beloved Country, and they said that, and yeah. I find it fun to say/write. So it's here in like... a very brief line or two of the story xD

I fail at crack. This shouldn't even be called crack or humor, but rather "Amy's failed attempt at trying to be amusing and funny". 

You get to find out what Donghae threatened Hyukjae with later~

Yes, I'm still on hiatus. But most of this was completed before that, so I decided to just finish it up and post it. This one is pretty long, so... it's two parts. And... yeah. Second part will probably be added when I officially come back. Some time... after that. But I'll start it now? I dunno. /readers throw tomatoes at me. /turns it into salsa. 

BUT ANYWAY, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed nonethless ^^