2016.

The Present — Them .

Jongin watches after Kyungsoo as he wheels himself around the bend near the entrance of the rink before disappearing from sight. He finds himself letting out the breath he had been holding in and he leans his body weight on his hockey stick, feeling the strength in his legs give out.

Around him, the parents dropping off their children for the under-10 class break out into loud chatter. The former skater undoubtedly their topic of conversation.

Jongin had received such a shock upon seeing the man he had been thinking about for the past months lying in the middle of their rink earlier. Who in their right mind would stay on the ice, let the cold bite their skin and let it wet their clothes? he had thought when skating over to ask the man to kindly leave so he can set up the cones for his students. He was even prepared to physically remove the man if the other had heard him fine over his headphones but was just simply refusing to leave.

But lo and behold, it was the man who had dropped off the face of the Earth after his serious accident half a year ago — his idol, and still his inspiration.

Kyungsoo looked a different person now. He looked a broken one. The light gone from his beautiful eyes, and he looked visibly thinner. Jongin understands the other’s pain completely. After all, he had lost a loved one before too, and from the way the other had snapped at him and brushed off his attempts to help him back to his wheelchair, Jongin knows Kyungsoo did not recognise him.

His friend did not remember their past interactions at all, and it makes him feel a little sad.

He remembers hearing about the accident when he was on his way home from night lessons one day. When the country prayed for their fallen star, Jongin had prayed alongside the rest of them. When their friends cried for the loss of Chanyeol, he had shed tears too. Because despite barely knowing the other, he had felt it was too cruel for fate to take him from them and from Kyungsoo, so early, so soon.

Learning that Kyungsoo would never be able to walk again was the last straw.

He had wanted to skate alongside his idol someday — the man who had inspired him to chase after his own dreams, and not his father’s. The man who had reminded him of his love for dance, and who had taught him it was okay to put himself first. Jongin had even made it one of his goals as he trained hard after having walked away from ice hockey three years ago.

He has not seen Kyungsoo in a really long time, the skater’s schedules were as packed as they had expected, but whenever Jongin puts on his skates and takes to the ice, his mind always drifted back to the other and he worries if he was eating well; if he was doing fine.

He hears updates about the other’s condition sometimes through Jongdae, who keeps in touch with Baekhyun and Junmyeon. But seeing him with his own eyes earlier was something else.

“Okay, gather around boys and girls! Say goodbye to your Mommies and Daddies. It’s time to play hockey,” he straightens up and claps his hands to get the attention of his students. He gets an immediate reaction as all ten kids start to talk over one another at once. He smiles when he sees Sehun waving a little too hard at his mother, going off-balance because of it, and promptly falling on his .

This is one of the reasons why he teaches the under-10 class — just the kids in their oversized jerseys and helmets, and the over-enthusiastic attitude they bring into the rink melts his heart. He has such a weakness for adorable things.

He is glad Sehun seems back to his usual cheery self. The cold encounter with Kyungsoo earlier had scared the five-year old a little, but he seems to have forgotten all about it by now. Jongin is actually surprised that Sehun had called Kyungsoo his hero and told him he loved his skating. He did not know his favourite student aspires to be a figure skater too.

In a way, Jongin guesses Sehun is a lot like him.

“Make sure you have all your gear with you,” he tells the children before bowing at the elders taking their leave. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of them,” he says, helping Sehun to stand up on his skates. The hour-long lesson is usually the only time they have to run errands so most of the parents do not stay to observe, instead trusting Jongin to keep watch over their children. 

“Can we go on the ice now, teacher Jongin?” one of the girls tugs on his jersey and looks up at him excitedly.

“Not yet, Soomin,” he chuckles. “What did I say about warming up before hitting the ice? We don’t want to get hurt while playing, right?” He helps arrange them in two lines and he brings Sehun to stand in the middle of the front row. The five-year old is the youngest and easily the smallest kid in the class, and Jongin just feels he has to pay extra attention to him. Also, he has a soft spot for the boy with the lisp (but shhh, don’t tell the rest) .

“Hands on your waist, everyone,” he says. “Then I want you to rotate your body to the right, but don’t move your legs. You should feel a stretch around your waist.” He chokes back a laugh when Sehun spins to his left with such confidence, until he realises he got his directions mixed up and quickly rectifies his mistake. The other kids laugh at his expense and the boy pouts. “Okay, now count to ten everyone.”

“One, two—” the children chorus loudly at once.

When Jongin is finally satisfied with the warm-up, he helps each child put on their helmets and guides them onto the ice.

“Okay, let’s do five laps around the rink. Follow after Joonyeol.” His instruction is met with a chorus of protests because everyone just wants to skip all the drills and start with the game they usually play to end off lessons — that is the fun bit after all.

But eventually, they still do as they were told, with Jongin bringing up the rear like he usually does, skating beside Sehun who is trying his hardest to keep up with the older boys and girls.

“Come on, you can do it!” he gives the small child some encouragement. Sehun repeats “I can do it!” cutely and tries to speed up, face set in determination.

Somehow, seeing the other now reminds Jongin of himself three years ago, when he had first tried to walk on the path to his figure skating dream. It has been a tough three years living in a space with a father who would not look at him, and even though he knows Jongdae tries to appear supportive of his decision to quit the National Team (and essentially the sport itself), his older brother does still harbour feelings of disappointment. 

Finding a Coach willing to nurture him into a professional skater has been the biggest challenge so far. Everyone he had approached had declined after they learned of his age, citing that it would be near impossible for him to make it given how professional skaters usually start from a very young age, and even then, not all would have a shot beyond Nationals.

He did think about contacting Kyungsoo since the skater had appeared supportive back then in the showers and had made a promise to help if he could, but hearing all of Kyungsoo’s exploits in the news and seeing how busy the World Champion is had always made him hesitate and eventually delete his messages before he could press send.  

When he had approached Minseok for advice, the latter had suggested reaching out to Junmyeon to see if he has any contacts. To be honest, the thought had crossed Jongin’s mind before. But when he is reminded of how busy the National Team’s Coach is even through Yerim’s social media updates, he does not dare open his mouth to ask.

At 17, he failed to see why the others he had approached would condemn him to failure from the get-go. Kyungsoo had told him it was not impossible.

So Jongin had decided to rely on his own determination and ability — training himself both on and off the ice with the aid of instructional videos off YouTube, until he secures a Coach. He might or might not have also watched all of Kyungsoo’s skates in past competitions and attempted some of his signature moves. The scar on his left ankle still remains to tell the tale of when he had tried a quadruple lutz without prior training and broke his ankle on the landing. Jongin has not attempted a quad ever since.

It became even more apparent he was going nowhere, that he was still treading water, a few months later. Without a Coach, it was tough finding sponsors to have his back, and without sponsors, he lacks opportunities. His father had broached this topic one night over dinner to spite him and Jongin had eventually enrolled into a regular college and moved out altogether. Anything to rid himself of the potential self-doubt in the toxic space they shared.

His workload from college did not mean he gave up learning to be a figure skater though. He still stubbornly visits their family’s rink whenever he knows his father is not around. Jongdae is the one who plays an instrumental role here in informing him whenever the ice is free. And when his brother had found out about him going around looking for a part-time job to finance school, he offered him the position to teach kids hockey at their rink. Surely their father knew of this arrangement, but strangely he had not made any comments. Also, Jongin was without other job alternatives at that time, hence why he had gratefully accepted.

Now 20, he is slowly starting to doubt he would ever get to his finishing line.

“Jongin hyung?” a soft voice breaks him out of his reverie. He did not even realise he had been skating around aimlessly for the past couple of minutes, and he gasps when he sees Sehun has stopped right in front of him. Jongin has to swerve around the boy quickly to avoid knocking him down and it results in a mini collision with the walls of the rink since he was skating near it. 

He winces when his ankle, the one he had broken before, gives a painful throb, but he shakes it off and goes to meet Sehun and the other children who are now gathering around him, having completed the five laps as requested.

“I’m sorry! Are you okay?” Sehun looks up at him with a pair of puppy eyes, probably feeling bad because he had caused him to collide with the walls. 

But Jongin quickly smiles and pats him on his helmet. “Don’t worry about me, squirt,” he brushes off the other’s concerns. 

After guiding the children through a set of simple drills, Jongin announces that he is going to split the group into two teams so they can start a game. It is obvious that the children have been looking forward to this moment the most, because he is met with excited yells immediately.

“Why don’t we let Sehunnie and Soominnie be the captains of the two teams this time, okay?” he says as he beckons the two forward. Sehun looks like he cannot quite believe his luck. The five-year old shrieks and hugs Jongin’s leg when he reaches him. He has always been the last one picked, and now Jongin has given him a position of power despite him being the youngest, to choose his own teammates. Jongin smiles and says, “Okay, rock paper scissors to see who picks first. Go on.”

He has always found it peaceful whenever he watches the kids play — their brilliant smiles and childish antics at times, often bring a smile to his own face and it makes him forget, even if it is just for a moment, his troubles. 

But the call he gets halfway through today’s game disrupts the norm.

He recognises the ringtone he has customised for Jongdae, and he is surprised why the other is calling. Surely his brother knows he is in the middle of a lesson now. It is weird he is disregarding this fact by calling. It must be for something important.

Jongin tears his eyes away from the game for a moment and goes to retrieve his phone from his bag.

“Hey, hyung. I’m actually having a lesson right now… can I call you back in say twenty minutes?” he asks in greeting the second he picks up the call, and he was about to hang up without waiting for a reply when Jongdae speaks.

“J-Jongin-ah…” 

There is something in the way the other stutters that catches his full attention, and he pauses, phone already detached from his ear.

“Is there something wrong?” Jongin frowns, bringing his phone back up to his ear. He feels a weight in his stomach at once, dread building from the way his brother holds his silence. To his knowledge, the National Ice Hockey Team is currently in Canada to play a friendly game with one of the more established clubs there. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he demands.

“Father collapsed during training this morning and he was taken to a local hospital. He isn’t in any immediate danger, but the doctors are keeping him in overnight to monitor his situation… I just thought you should know,” Jongdae says.

Jongin feels the blood drain from his face at once. For all the things his brother could have called him to say, he was least expecting something like this.

“Have they found out what’s wrong at least?” he asks after a pregnant pause, glancing at the children who seem to still be having fun with the game. 

Jongdae hesitates before letting out a deep sigh. “It’s stage three cancer. Stomach. It seems he has kept it from us for months, or years even… I’m really angry at him,” Jongin’s grip on the wall tightens. It is true he did not know either, and he starts to share his brother’s anger. How could their father have thought to keep such a serious matter from them? Granted, Jongin has not been on speaking terms with the elder in recent years, but still… surely a matter of such gravity takes precedence?

This is just like how his mother had kept her condition a secret from him in the past. A sense of deja vu starts to build.

“We’re returning to Seoul on the weekend and he would be admitted into Samsung Medical straightaway for an assessment. You should come down… I’d be there.” The other sounds really tired, and Jongin can imagine how he feels; he can imagine the shock and trauma his brother must have felt watching their father collapse in front of his very eyes.

It takes awhile for him to react, but he eventually hums and hangs up. Dumping his phone on the bench, Jongin sighs and steps onto the ice. The children quickly crowd around him, assuming that he is joining the game, and they tug on his jersey excitedly. But in fact, he just wants some space to himself.

Sometimes, having his skates on the ice is the only remedy.

~

“Why do you look so sad, Jongin hyung?”

Jongin snaps out of his daze and glances at Sehun who is making slow circles around him. The boy is the only one left after class had ended some ten minutes earlier. Jongin had gotten a call from Sehun’s mother to say that she was caught in a bad jam and if he minds staying with Sehun until she could come get him. Of course he had said yes on the spot. After all, he had planned to stay and practise anyways.

“I-I’m not sad.” He curses himself at his stutter, and he sees Sehun narrowing his eyes at him from behind his helmet. It should look threatening, but the boy just looks utterly adorable more than anything.

“You’re lying,” the five-year old accuses. “Mommy said only bad boys lie.”

“Okay, I’m lying. What are you going to do about it,” Jongin growls playfully and picks Sehun up to spin them around. “I’m a bad boy and I’m going to eat you up.” The boy starts giggling at once before begging him to stop because he was getting dizzy. “Want to see something cool, Sehunnie?” he asks, setting the boy down on his feet and holding onto him until he finds his balance again.

“Okay!” The five-year old claps his hands together excitedly and releases a long “woahhhhhh” when Jongin swings into a catch foot layback spin easily. He is only doing this because he wants to distract Sehun (and himself) from the actual cause of his bad mood, and the child being a child, easily buys into it. “Again!” Sehun demands as Jongin slows to a stop after a couple of seconds.

“I know quite a few types of spins…  which one do you want to see?”

“You like figure skating too, Jongin hyung?”

“Of course,” he says. “I want to be a figure skater next time and win lots of medals.”

“Like Kyungsoo hyung?” Sehun practically lights up when he mentions his idol’s name, and Jongin can only nod in response. “I used to watch Kyungsoo hyung and Baekhyun hyung on the TV, and I told Mommy I wanted to skate like them too,” the boy divulges. “But then, Daddy says I should learn ice hockey because figure skating is only for girls.” Sehun frowns. The look of sadness on his face is hard for Jongin to ignore.

“You know something, squirt?” He holds onto the other’s shoulders and stares him right in the eye. “My father used to tell me exactly what your father told you about how inappropriate it is for boys to be doing figure skating.”

Sehun his head to the side. “Were you angry when your Daddy said that, Jongin hyung?”

Jongin pauses. “Of course, I was.” He recalls just how upset he was and how he had shouted back at his father. “I hated him so much for telling me what I could or couldn’t do, how he looked down on the sport, and inadvertently, my dream. And despite not having his support, I persevered anyway.” He takes a second to himself before admitting, “but now… I have gradually learnt to channel my anger into determination. I just want to show him I made it. I want to prove him wrong for invalidating my dreams.”

He skates to the end of the rink, and when he returns, he picks up speed and puts his weight on the back outside edge of his right skate. He hears Sehun cheering for him when he lands his double loop jump easily, and just for show, he sticks his arms in the air and yells “tadah!”

“That was so cool, Jongin hyung!” Sehun rushes up to him (well, as fast as he can go on his skates, that is) and claps his hands excitedly. “Can I be your number 1 fan?” Jongin feels a little shy all of a sudden, because it was a really basic jump with only two rotations, far from what male competitive skaters are doing in competitions, but the child is really hyping him up like he is a God of sorts.

“I thought you were Kyungsoo hyung’s number 1 fan?” he teases.

Sehun eyes light up and he nods excitedly. “Yes! But I can be your fan too. Kyungsoo hyung is very famous already so he has a lot of fans… I can be Jongin hyung’s first fan!”

Jongin hums and pats the other on his helmet. What a cute kid.

“So if figure skating is your dream too, Sehunnie… I don’t want you to give it up alright? Not because of what others tell you. You have to make your own choices for yourself,” he says.

The five-year old nods determinedly and beams up at him.

I will not give up as well, Jongin tells himself. If no Coach wants me, I will just have to learn myself.

~

Kyungsoo wakes with a start and sits up in his king-sized bed, all alone and drenched in sweat.

“Chanyeol,” he whispered to himself in panic and searches around his neck until his fingers wrap themselves around the soundwave ring and engagement ring he wears all the time. They calm him down immediately — their presence a warm reminder that he would always have Chanyeol with him. Maybe not in the way he wants, but at least the other is not totally gone.

Like all other nights, he had dreamt about the accident again.

He remembers it was a cold winter night and they were out because Junmyeon wanted to treat Chanyeol to a birthday dinner, just a couple of days shy of the actual date itself. Seulgi was also back from the UK where she was doing her degree in child psychology, while he was gearing up for the NHK trophy at the end of the month. It was going to be a big family outing, minus Baekhyun because he had some endorsement deal meeting with a fashion label.

They were having such a great time in the Michelin Star restaurant that Junmyeon had recommended — catching up and satisfying their stomachs with more sashimi they could ever hope for. It was when they were on the way to drop Junmyeon off at his apartment, when they were battling it out for the crown of Rap King with some old Show Me the Money songs that the crash happened.

Kyungsoo remembers hearing screams, either Seulgi’s or his own (he does not know), before he was thrown out to the road. He thought he was wearing his seatbelt so that should not have happened.

But it did, and what a price he paid in the end.

He had lost consciousness before the police and ambulance even got to the scene of the accident; he out even before he could check on Chanyeol and his sister.

Kyungsoo wipes off the sweat lining his forehead and removes the duvet over his legs before sliding himself to the edge of the bed. He looks up when he hears a soft bark and the tinkling of bells, and soon a white fluffy head pops up over the edge of his bed and settles on his lap.

Gominnie used to be Chanyeol’s Samoyed puppy. His boyfriend had named him that because he kind of resembled a bear with his size. But Gominnie belongs to him now, and Kyungsoo adores and pampers him, even though he had often nagged at Chanyeol in the past when he kept feeding the puppy treats just because he could not say no to those eyes. 

“I’m just going to make myself a cup of tea in the kitchen,” he tells Gominnie, petting him on the head and ruffling his soft furry ears. The puppy only steps aside temporarily when he picks up his iPhone on the bedside drawer and pulls his wheelchair closer to haul himself onto it. He sticks to Kyungsoo’s side the second he is seated and follows him all the way to the kitchen.

Sometimes, he wonders if Gominnie is a guardian angel planted by Chanyeol to stay and watch over him because the latter can only do so much from above.

“Do you want some water as well?” he asks before entering the kitchen, passing by the puppy’s empty bowls by the door. It should be a simple task — filling the kettle, bringing it to a boil, pouring the hot water in his mug and then dumping a sachet of tea in. But he finds himself already hitting a road bump at the first step.

It takes ages for him to even fill the water and lift the kettle from the sink in his wheelchair, then came the difficulties in maneuvering around the tight space. He thinks he should really get around to replacing all his furniture with more wheelchair-friendly ones, and perhaps improve the layout of his home, when he bumps into the row of cupboards beneath the sink.

But his frustration at not being able to accomplish these mundane tasks he used to think lightly of boils over when he falls to the floor after stretching his body forward to place the kettle in its holder. The helper his parents had hired for him must have moved it away from the edge of the counter when she visited this morning to stock up his refrigerator.

“! Useless piece of ,” he curses and rains punches down on his legs, before grabbing at his hair in frustration. Gominnie panics and jumps all over him and the puddle of water on the floor at once. He barks loudly and Kyungsoo quickly stops his self-blame in favour of getting the puppy to quiet before his neighbours come knocking.

“I’m fine,” he says, pushing away the puppy’s head when he his chin to check on him. But he remains on the kitchen floor, not bothering to pull himself up and onto the wheelchair once more.

Kyungsoo is not, in fact , fine.

His arms are aching from over-exerting himself all the time because he has to compensate for not being able to move his lower body. Also, his mind is exhausted .

He is tired from not being able to do anything right anymore.

He is tired from having to cope with his new way of life.

He thinks it is bull whenever someone comments that he should move on; that Chanyeol would want him to live looking forward and not back. It is easy to say, yes, but to act on it is extremely hard given how big a part of his life Chanyeol was (is).

It is already three in the morning and his phone shows he has two series of text messages from both Seulgi and Baekhyun respectively. They must be worried, he thinks. After spending the morning at Jongdae’s skating rink, he had gone for his appointment with Joohyun where he had experienced a complete meltdown (speaking of which, he should really find time to apologise to his friend). Then, it was straight home where he had crashed on his bed immediately and slept through dinner.

A routine day for him ever since the accident, really. He is so accustomed to it now that he does not feel the pain of hunger and boredom of staring into space or drowning himself in bad memories. Some days, he just sits at home and does nothing productive. He has nothing to live for anymore anyways.

It had slipped his mind to check his phone earlier. His parents, Seulgi, Baekhyun and Junmyeon take turns to check on him every day, and each time he gets a text or call, he puts on his best front and tells them he is doing fine.

He wonders if they see through his lies.

They probably do, but out of respect for him, they know never to point it out.

Kyungsoo lets out a little grunt when Gominnie lies down beside him and drops his head on his stomach. It seems the puppy has decided for him his bed for the remainder of the night should be the kitchen floor. It is not that uncomfortable though, so he supposes it is fine.

He has always felt a little bad for the puppy, for having to deal with such a weak, useless owner. That is why he always tries to compensate in the form of hugs and treats.

Gominnie whines and his hand when he his head. It will take some time for him to fall asleep again, so he figures he shall reply to his loved ones’ texts before he gets an unwanted visit from them in the morning.

Seulgi’s handful of texts are all on informing him that she will be back in the country next week. She has recently completed her fourth year of studies and will be back for good. Kyungsoo had to miss her graduation though, for it was rather inconvenient for him to travel in his state. He makes a mental note to make it up to her soon. 

He frowns when he gets to Baekhyun’s series of bipolar texts however. His best friend had first sent him a video he had found online, promising him a good laugh. Kyungsoo does not even bother with downloading it to view its content. But when Baekhyun did not get a reply (because Kyungsoo was sleeping), he had proceeded to send him a bunch of emoticons and cringey nicknames, before ending it off with a threat — that their friendship is off if he fails to call him back within the hour.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and decides to send Baekhyun a short reply, even though it has been a couple of hours now since a reply was due, just to prove that he is not dead.

[From: Kyungsoo | 03:19 KST]

I was sleeping

you fool

He startles when his phone actually starts buzzing, signaling an incoming call.

“Kyungsooooooo… don’t break up with me, bestie. I was only kidding!” Kyungsoo has to distance his phone from his ear when Baekhyun greets him with a loud whine.

“Why are you awake at this hour?” he asks instead.

“I’m in Bangkok for a workshop, remember? It’s only 1 plus here, but yes, I’m preparing to sleep soon.”

Oh. Now that the other says it, he does recall him mentioning about traveling overseas some time back — something about teaching aspiring young skaters and grooming them for some upcoming local competition.

“Why are you awake?” Baekhyun shoots back.

“… ” He lets out a heavy sigh. “I can’t sleep,” he eventually admits.

Thankfully, the other does not comment on it further, only letting out a soft hum in response. Kyungsoo is really appreciative because of that. He knows his best friend understands his unwillingness to open up sometimes and knows when not to push boundaries. Baekhyun is good like that.

“Why did you call me though?” he asks as he runs his fingers through Gominnie’s fur. “And couldn’t it have waited till morning?”

“Junmyeon wants to see you tomorrow actually,” the other says. “I tried fishing for more information, but the man’s lips are sealed. I’ve no idea what this is for.”

Kyungsoo frowns. Whenever his former Coach reaches out to him indirectly, either through his friends or family members, he feels some dread building within him. Because he knows if Junmyeon dares not to call or text him himself, whatever the other wants to say, the other knows he would likely take to it badly.

“He isn’t taking no for an answer, Soo,” Baekhyun adds. “Said he will be at the Kims’ facility tomorrow at noon and he will wait however long it takes for you to show up. You know him and his stubbornness. Just go and hear what he has to say, okay?”

I can be stubborn too , he wants to counter. But in the end, he relents and mutters out an “okay” before hanging up. He knows Baekhyun is definitely texting Junmyeon right now, so there is no way he can take that back anymore. He has nothing else on anyways. He supposes he could spare his friend a couple of minutes.

The Kims’ facility, he thinks. He was just there this morning actually. The ice rink there has become somewhat of a place he could tolerate whenever he feels like taking a trip down memory lane to his glory days.

Kyungsoo ends up falling asleep at the memory of the handsome Hockey Coach and the certain familiarity he brings with his face.

~

Kyungsoo thought no one would dare bother him if he had on his headphones and minded his own business while lying in the center of the ice. But no. He is proven wrong once again, twice in the span of two days actually, when he hears someone skating over to him. Bless the brave soul who dares approach him because he is all ready to fight to keep his space; mind already preparing his arsenal of curse words to use.

Unlike the guy in the hockey gear who had approached him yesterday to ask him to leave because he needed to prepare for some class or whatnot, the person skating up to him today is a much clumsier and slower skater — Kyungsoo hears it in the way he or she moves across the ice in inconsistent glides, and how he or she trips over their own feet here and there. Although the lightness of his or her steps betrays their weight and definitely smaller build.

Kyungsoo waits to open his eyes. Not for the first time since his conversation with Baekhyun over the phone ended last night, or should he say early in the morning, he regrets agreeing to meet up with Junmyeon at the rink. Maybe he should have suggested that his Coach come up to his apartment instead of him making his way down. Then he would not be subjected to the need to talk to others, and for others to see him in his wheelchair again.

Also, Junmyeon is late again , because time is not of the essence to him apparently.   

Before he knows it, the person approaching him trips and crashes onto the ice, right next to him, and it results in him getting a blade on his shoulder. It does not hurt because the other was going really slow and does not weigh much, but he still sits right up with a murderous expression on his face. “What the do you—” he shuts up right away when he sees a small kid looking up at him with teary eyes.

It is the boy from yesterday — the one who had held onto his hands and beamed up at him, calling him his hero. Sehun, was it? Kyungsoo glances around for it does not make sense for a kid so young to be alone on the ice, and when he looks in the direction of the gates, he thinks he spots the same Hockey Coach from yesterday quickly ducking down and out of sight.

He looks at Sehun again and snorts. Did that guy really just sent a kid out here to ask me to leave because he is too afraid to do it himself?

“Are you mad?”

Kyungsoo startles and stares at the boy in silence when the latter speaks. Sehun looks like he is on the brink of tears and Kyungsoo realises just how scary he must look at the moment, so he tries to mask his expression behind a blank face.

“I’m sorry I fell down! I just started skating two months ago.” It appears the boy has given up the thought of getting back onto his feet as he sits primly and clasps his hands over his lap shyly. “Don’t be mad at me, Kyungsoo hyung.” Sehun pouts up at him with those puppy eyesand Kyungsoo wavers.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad,” he replies gruffly.

“But you said the f-word,” Sehun points out innocently. “Mommy said good boys cannot say the f-word. Are you not a good boy, Kyungsoo hyung?”

Kyungsoo finds himself rendered speechless. What the is wrong with this kid?

“I’m not mad,” he repeats himself. “Now go away.” He tries to make this shooing motion with his hands, but Sehun is not having it. The boy scoots even closer and clings onto his arm, giggling when he does not denied. By now, Kyungsoo is glancing around more desperately, sending out distress signals to anyone in the vicinity. Maybe Junmyeon will finally appear and take him away from this ray of sunshine insisting to befriend him.

“I’m glad you’re not mad at, Kyungsoo hyung,” Sehun smiles up at him. “I don’t like when the people I like are mad because of me.”

“Why do you even like me?” He grimaces when the kid squeals and hugs onto his waist, and when he looks up, he makes eye contact with the hiding Hockey Coach. Kyungsoo lifts up an arm at once and beckons urgently for the other to come forward, sensing a way out of his tight situation. If Sehun squeezes any harder, he fears he will lose the feeling in his upper body to go with his legs. But he narrows his eyes into a glare when the Hockey Coach merely shakes his head hesitantly and ducks back out of sight.

Idiot, he sneers inwardly.

“I like Kyungsoo hyung’s skating! I want to be a figure skater too! You’re my hero!” Sehun declares. Kyungsoo scoffs. The boy looks way too young to have seen him skate before. Perhaps his parents showed him clips of his past performances? Sehun rises to his feet unsteadily. “Daddy used to say I cannot be a figure skater because I’m a boy, but Jongin hyung says I can be whatever I want to be!”

“Well, good on you then,” Kyungsoo nods dismissively and starts to slide back to the walls of the rink now that the boy does not have a hold on him. He has decided to give up waiting for Junmyeon. Whatever his former Coach has to say, it must not be that important after all since he cannot even keep his promised meeting time.

“I like Jongin hyung a lot too!” Sehun struggles to keep up with Kyungsoo while skating, and he almost has a heart attack when the boy stumbles and flails. Thankfully, he manages to grab onto the other by the back of his shirt to steady him.

“Careful,” he mutters.

“Jongin hyung says he will teach me how to skate. He wants to be a figure skater like Kyungsoo hyung too. He is your fan too, like me!”

Kyungsoo grunts in reply, the other’s words floating in and out of his ear, and makes his way forward slower this time, just so Sehun could keep up without falling and cracking his head open. He does not know why he is being so considerate when every cell in his body is urging him to leave as quickly as he can for the comfort of his own apartment.

“Jongin hyung! I told Kyungsoo hyung you like him too,” Sehun yells out innocently when he reaches the walls, and Kyungsoo wants to laugh at the distressed “You told him what?!” the kid gets as a reply. The face of the Hockey Coach, now identified as Jongin, flushes red when Kyungsoo pulls himself up onto his wheelchair with the help of the railings and glares at him.

This is for hiding pathetically earlier.

“Don’t listen to him… I don’t like you!” Jongin blurts out before realising what he had said and getting into panic mode at once. “Wait, I don’t mean it like that actually, I like—”

“Well, I dislike you too, so that is fair,” Kyungsoo interjects and wheels himself away.

He can hear Jongin letting out a whine behind him and Sehun supposedly chiding the other for his bad behaviour. “Jongin hyung! You’re a big meanie… I don’t like you anymore!” Kyungsoo could imagine the pout on the young boy’s face and he cannot help but crack a small smile.

He supposes the kid has grown on him already, and he cannot say he minds.

~

It turns out he is not able to run from Junmyeon because his former Coach pulls up just as he was prepared to call his driver to come pick him up.

“Oh thank god I caught you! There was an accident near— oh , sorry.” The other must have seen the way he tensed up at the mention of an accident and catches himself quickly. “Anyway, I’ve something important to ask you… shall we head back in? I believe Jongin is still here. We can use the meeting room on the first floor if there are other people around.”

Kyungsoo frowns and follows after Junmyeon.

“Firstly, how do you know that boy called Jongin? And what is it you have to say to me that we need to go to the extent of using a private space? I was just in the rink… their kids class or whatever has not started yet and there are no parents around. Can’t you just let me know so I can head back straight after this and sleep?” The Coach pauses and turns around confused.

“Why wouldn’t I not know Jongin? He’s Jongdae’s baby brother… How do you not remember him? You’ve met him before!” Junmyeon snorts, looking at him like he has grown another head.

Kyungsoo comes to a stop beside the other when he leads them back to the rink and he sees in the distance the said guy and Sehun watching them curiously from where he had left them.

“I’ve met him before?” he frowns. “I cannot recall.” He studies Jongin’s face more carefully this time, in case it sparks a distant memory, but when the other realises he is looking, he ducks his head shyly again. Kyungsoo snorts. What is with him and hiding away from me all the time? Kyungsoo nudges Junmyeon on the arm and tells the other to sit on a nearby bench. It is tiring to always strain his neck to look up.

“He’s an ice hockey player like Jongdae— well, not anymore, I suppose… apparently he wants to be a professional figure skater now and he’s looking around for someone to coach him. Minseok told me about this. I wanted to speak to you on a similar matter actually, Kyungsoo,” the Coach says.

This is when he gives his friend his fullest attention.

“Long story short, I want you on my coaching staff, Doh Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo’s jaw drops at once. Whatever he had thought Junmyeon wanted to say, this is worse. “I think the sport has lost you for enough time now… come back to the ice, okay?”

“You want me to what , sorry?” he deadpans.

“The team is gearing up for the new season ahead and the guy who has been helping me out returned to his home country last month. I cannot cope with all the skaters I have. The academy is also starting up a new training arm. I know you’re more than qualified to teach the current batch of skaters we have… just help me out here, will you? I can put you with Baek if that makes you more comfortable—”

“Are you insane? What makes you think I want to come back to the ice? Does it give you great pleasure to see me watch other skaters, be it Baekhyun or my other friends, skating in competitions while all I can do is watch on enviously from the sidelines? Do you think I’m a joke, Junmyeon?” Kyungsoo raises his voice.

The Coach raises his hands in mock surrender at once and places his hand on his knee comfortingly.

“You know I will never, my friend. It’s okay if you are not ready. I will never force you, Kyungsoo. I know you love the ice too much to let it go… perhaps time is all you need. But just think about it okay? The board is putting pressure on me to reach out to you and they are not letting go of you so easily, especially with your bond still in place until the end of next year. If they decide to cut you off just like that—” Junmyeon sighs, “I don’t even want to go there. But I know of skaters who have gone down that route before and it never ends pretty.”

Kyungsoo scoffs. “So what? If I don’t return to the academy, I will be forced to pay the price for breaking my contract deal? And if I cannot afford it, they will take me to Court? Are you threatening me? You cannot do that to me, Junmyeon. I can come back as a Coach… I have even thought about it, but not so soon please. It has only been six months. Surely there is a way out of this?”

Everything about this situation is just ridiculous. Kyungsoo tightens his grip on his wheelchair. He can feel himself gradually slipping into a breakdown, and that is the last thing he wants happening here.

“Calm down, Kyungsoo.” He hears the alarmed tone Junmyeon is using and he feels warm hands on his shoulders before the other hugs him to his chest. Junmyeon sighs. “Let me talk to the board again. And if that doesn’t work, I will talk to Baekhyun and we will work something out for you. Between the two of us, we can probably buy you out of your contract if needed. You don’t have to come back if you are not re—”

“Is everything alright here?” Kyungsoo freezes when he hears Jongin’s voice and he looks up to see the said guy standing close, with Sehun peeking around his legs. The look of worry on Jongin’s face is clear as day and Sehun looks concerned as well. Kyungsoo realises belatedly that it is the tears falling down his cheeks that have attracted their attention. That and how Junmyeon is clearly comforting him. He quickly turns around to hide his face in his friend’s shirt.

“He’s fine, Jongin. You don’t need to worry,” Junmyeon says.

There is a pregnant pause before Jongin speaks again, but this time with more hesitation. “I-I’m sorry, but I kind of overheard some bits of your conversation…” Kyungsoo feels all the air in his lungs leave at once. “You’re not really giving up on figure skating completely right, Kyungsoo hyung?” Jongin asks. “Take all the time you need, but you cannot just walk away!” The agitated tone the other uses triggers him. 

“And who are you to say that to me?” he surfaces to snap at the other who barely flinches, but it scares Sehun who recoils and goes to hide behind Jongin’s legs once more. Kyungsoo quells the sense of guilt he feels in his heart.

“I have the right to say that to you because I’m your fan, Kyungsoo hyung. So is Sehun here and many others out there. We are your fans and we have not forgotten you. The world has not forgotten your legacy,” Jongin says this so calmly it holds Kyungsoo’s attention. “You might not remember it but I told you your skating had a huge impact on my life. You were the one who inspired me to chase after my dreams and I admire you so much for it. I’m sure there are many similar stories out there. But now, hearing that you want to give up all your past so easily… I feel like taking back all respect I ever had for you.”

He looks up and meets Jongin’s hard stare.

“What happened to you was tragic. I understand that. My mother was taken from me when I was very young too and now my father will soon see the same fate, I think?” Jongin chokes up. “My mother — the closest person to me. Did I cry? Yes. Did I think of leaving to join her? Yes, of course. Do I miss her? So, so much… every single day,” he shakes his head.

Kyungsoo slips his eyes shut. Jongin’s words relate to him in so many ways and hearing it from another mouth educates him that he is not alone in this lonely battle. He is not the worst, and that there are others out there in the world with similar or more suffering than him.

“But I moved on. I had to— and I know you probably hated it every time someone tells you to move on , trust me I know, but you know what I realised if I did not be brave and move on? If I kept going back to the past, I would be forsaking everyone else who still cares for me in the present and who loves me so much to see me just wither away. Look at me now… I’m not exactly doing well. I want to skate, but no Coach wants me. The road is tough, but am I giving up the journey? No.”

Kyungsoo does not know why he is getting sudden glimpses of past memories of him comforting Jongin in the showers, giving him a hug and passing advice. But before he can think deeper into it, he hears Jongin sigh.

“I moved on so I hope you do too. I hope you see that you are not alone… I will be so disappointed if you give up skating or anything related to it entirely. Your friends and family, even the world, will be too. And if that day comes, I will have to question myself why I had looked up to you in the first place, because I don’t want to look up to a coward who does not know how to get back up when life gets him down,” the other rounds off his mini rant and plops down on the nearest bench.

It is a rude awakening for Kyungsoo. He looks up when he feels small hands grabbing onto his, looking at Sehun behind the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Don’t give up, Kyungsoo hyung,” the boy pleads and squeezes his hands. “I want to see you on the ice again.” Watching Sehun earlier had reminded him so much of himself when he was little actually — how he had a big dream from when he was still young, and how he had looked up to another as his inspiration to skate. And from what Jongin has just shared, he probably looks at Kyungsoo the same way.

Kyungsoo does not know if he has the heart to kill their dreams.

“Whatever decision you make, I will be fully behind you,” Junmyeon pats his shoulder in assurance. “J-Just think about coming back to coach one more time hmm?” he urges. “If you prefer not to be with the National Team, we can try having you spearhead the new training arm.”

All Kyungsoo can do at that moment is nod and squeeze Sehun’s hand back.

“Okay, let me think about it.”

He finds himself looking at Jongin for a moment for some reason, and he has to calm the growing feeling within. The other’s gentle smile stirs the fire Kyungsoo feels have reignited in him — that of his love for the sport. He swallows hard and breaks eye contact with him.

“I will call you when I have an answer,” he says, to which Junmyeon lets out a non-committal hum.

“Of course, Kyungsoo. Now let us get you home… do you need a ride?”

He cannot seem to shake the heavy stare at the side of his face as they leave the rink.  

~

After an unscheduled visit to Joohyun’s office in the afternoon where they had spent many minutes in discussion, as well as a long night in bed contemplating Jongin and Junmyeon’s words, Kyungsoo thinks he has finally come to a decision. When dawn breaks over the horizon, he quickly picks up his phone on the bedside table and dials Junmyeon’s number. The sooner he gets this over with the better; just like ripping off a bandaid.

Gominnie whines and his arm from where the puppy is settled beside him on the bed to get him to stop moving but Kyungsoo cannot help it. He can barely contain his nervousness.

He opens his mouth to speak when he hears Junmyeon pick up the call on the other end, but before he can get a word in, he hears a loud thump and a very colourful string of curses before the call gets disconnected.

Kyungsoo stares at his phone in disbelief and quickly dials his friend’s number again. This time, Junmyeon picks up at the first ring.

“Hello, Kyungsoo??”

He scoffs. From the other’s expectant voice, he must have only just realised who was calling. “Sorry for earlier… I fell out of bed. Guess you could say I’m not the most coherent and coordinated person at six in the morning. Why are you calling? Have you thought about my offer?” Junmyeon rushes out in a single breath. He has to remind the other to breathe, and it is comical that the Coach does as he is told at once, exhaling loudly into the speaker.

“Yeah, I have thought long and hard about your offer,” Kyungsoo says in a soft voice. “I’m not saying I’m ready to go back to help out in the National Team so I might need yours and Baek’s help with the buyout clause—”

“Oh… Of course. Okay, no problem, Kyungsoo… but ? I sense a but coming up. Right? My senses are tingling so do not hold me in suspense any longer,” Junmyeon sounds so optimistic.

“You’re the one who keeps interrupting me,” Kyungsoo points out, Gominnie’s fur gently. He chuckles when the other lets out an indignant noise, but then there is utter silence all of a sudden. He glances at his phone and notes the call is still connected. Confused, he says hesitantly, “Erm, are you still there, hyung?”

“You laughed,” Junmyeon breaks his silence. “You have not laughed since…” Kyungsoo blinks. He did not even realise he had laughed, or it would have meant so much to the other. Perhaps it is the cumulation of the emotions he is feeling right now. “I think I’m going to cry. I’m so proud of the fact that I made you laugh, I need to tell Baekhyun. Please hold.”

Before Kyungsoo can even protest, Junmyeon’s colour ringtone starts playing in his ear — some upbeat girl group song — and he rolls his eyes because is the other seriously calling Baekhyun right now?!

Kyungsoo huffs in frustration and stews in his impatience. He cannot wait to get the words out of his mouth. Joohyun seems to think highly of his decision too, mentioning it would be good for his recovery during their short session together this afternoon. He cannot wait to let his closest friends know.

Just as he starts to mouth the song lyric that has been repeating in his ear for the longest time — something about peekaboo and a game of hide-and-seek, he supposes — Junmyeon picks up the call again.

“Hey, sorry to keep you waiting.”

Kyungsoo hears sniffling and he cracks a smile. “Are you seriously crying because of what I said, hyung?”

“I’m crying, Baekhyun is also crying, but not before cursing the hell out of me for waking him up so early. He said he will call you later by the way. We’re all crying but who cares? This is a really touching moment, okay? We have missed you so much, Kyungsoo. We have missed hearing you laugh.”

Kyungsoo’s heart warms at the other’s admission. He also feels sorry for making his friends go through what they had when he was still lingering in his dark space. His fingers leave Gominnie’s fur and curl around the rings he wears around his neck.

“We’re starting the day right by crying. I love it ! So what was the but you were about to say, my dear Kyungsoo? It’s fine if you aren’t ready to come back to help out in the National Team just yet… just tell me you’re not giving up the sport altogether and I will be extremely happy,” Junmyeon sniffles dramatically again.

“You guys were right that I love skating too much to just walk away from it,” Kyungsoo says in a soft voice. “I want to give it a try… coaching, I mean.”

“Wait, coaching?” He can almost hear Junmyeon’s double-take and confusion. “But you just said you’re not ready to be on the coaching staff for the National Team?”

“You said yesterday the academy has a new training arm?”

“Yes, but that’s more targeted at beginner or novice skaters. Are you thinking about it?”

“How many skaters are in the programme already?”

Junmyeon must be getting confused at his line of questions because he says hesitantly, “None so far but we have gotten some who have expressed interest. We’re not looking at a big group to start off per se. Perhaps ten newbies paired to an assigned Coach each so there is more learning and development from one-on-one coaching?”

Kyungsoo takes a second to consider if he will regret asking this.

“Is K-Kim Jongin, Jongdae’s brother… joining the programme?” his voice trails off, and he senses from Junmyeon’s sharp intake of breath that the other must know where this is leading now. “You mentioned he is looking for a Coach? How long has it been since he quit ice hockey for figure? I have a feeling I should know this, but I just cannot seem to recall.”

“Hold on, let me just clarify this… you want to coach Jongin ?” The other’s voice decibel level rises. Kyungsoo has to quickly pull his phone away from his ear lest he turns deaf. “Sorry if I’m being blunt, but you do realise he is a little too old to be starting out training to be a professional figure skater right? Yes, he has the basic skating knowledge locked down from his hockey days, but he might only get to do national competitions, nothing beyond that scale. You know that?”

“I know that,” Kyungsoo says. “He is, what , 16? 17 this year?”

“I’m pretty sure he is 20 this year.”

Okay , maybe he should have thought about this longer. Jongin is slightly older than what he had thought, but there is no taking back his decision anymore.

“His age doesn’t really matter.”

“That is a load of bullcrap, and we both know that. Kim Jongin… are you sure?”

“Positive,” Kyungsoo replies.

“Why though? I cannot seem to wrap my head around it.”

He thinks back to what Jongin had said to him in the rink yesterday — when he had shared about his painful memory with his mother and when he had basically called Kyungsoo out for being a coward. That had really woken him up.

“I admire his courage,” he says eventually. “And his determination. I was exactly like him before I found you, hyung.” Junmyeon makes a small sound of acknowledgement. “Don’t look down on him just yet. Also, do you not have faith in me? I predict his strong character will bring him many places. It will take some time for him to drop his hockey habits and pick up figure skills, yes… but he is not as bulky as the regular hockey guys anyway. In fact, his body shape is good enough for a figure skater’s so I guess there is that for a first win.”

Junmyeon sighs. “Well, I have less reason to doubt him if he is in your capable hands. Let me give him a call later in the morning to discuss this. He will be very happy to hear this, I can guarantee you that. The poor kid has been waiting for a chance like this for a really long time.”

“I’m sure.” Kyungsoo says. “I just hope I don’t regret this.” 

~