“Oh my god, I’m so nervous! Why am I so nervous?” Jongdae grabs onto Minseok’s hand.

Jongin is really glad the other is sitting between him and his brother because the way Jongdae is squeezing his hand looks painful. Minseok glances over at him and his eyes practically scream help me , but Jongin can only shrug in the you were the one who asked him to be your boyfriend so live with it way and trains his eyes on the next person making his way onto the ice. He also sees Chanyeol and another man in the National Team’s jacket, probably the Coach — Junmyeon, coming to a stop at the edge of the rink to watch.

“And now, representing the Republic of South Korea, Doh Kyungsoo! Performing Hope and Legacy!”

The roar around the hall is almost loud enough to bring the roof down and Jongin finds himself clapping along excitedly. If he is as good as they say, he is in for a real treat. Baekhyun’s powerful performance earlier had really pumped him and the crowd up, and he cannot wait to see how Kyungsoo does with all the expectations piled on him to deliver their country’s first gold in this competition’s history.

Apparently, the man is touted to be one of the favourites going into next month’s World Championships, so the world would surely be watching how he does here. He has more than a ten-point lead from yesterday’s short programme according to Jongdae, so barring a disastrous free skate now, he is a shoo-in for the gold. Jongin watches with bated breath as Kyungsoo slows to a stop in the center of the ice and schools his face into a painting of calm.

There is absolute silence — you can probably hear a pin drop, before the sound of piano chords starts off the performance. And if Baekhyun’s skate starts off loud and exhilarating, Kyungsoo’s starts off soft, gentle yet beautiful .

Jongin finds that he interprets the melodic chords well and reaches out to the audience with his gestures, teasing and luring everyone into his world with a gentle smile that never leaves his angelic face. It is just like the skater is weaving his performance into a story, and he enraptures everyone, including Jongin, with its narrative.

The way they skate in figure skating is so vastly different from how they ice hockey players skate, and Jongin briefly wonders if he can ever be as graceful.

He used to, he remembers. But that was him a long time ago in the dance studio. There is also something about the music that reminds him so much of his past ballet training, and when Kyungsoo lands his first quadruple loop so beautifully, Jongin cannot hear the crowd’s reaction to it because his heart is pounding so fast in his chest.

The way the other leapt, spun in the air and landed with a leg extended out before pushing off and transitioning into a series of step sequences… if Jongin slows it all down, he swears he sees memories of his mother dancing for him — her pirouettes, and her arabesque position. He even recalls distant memories of himself executing similar moves as a child.

Now Jongin gets what his brother had meant when he had told him “I think you will like how Kyungsoo skates since you used to dance” back in the car on the way here.

It is more than the similarities in the spins. It is also the way the skater interprets the music, like he is dancing to it. It makes Jongin want to dance again if he can be anywhere close to impressive as Kyungsoo is.

It is a powerful performance he is witnessing even though the music is not as loud as some of the previous skaters, but he is not referring to the skater’s speed across the ice and his magnificent leaps. It is powerful because every move Kyungsoo makes on the ice reminds him so much of a precious time from a long way back — memories he had locked up in the deep recesses of his mind for ages; moments he had really treasured but had to hide for the sake of protecting his father.

Jongin remembers his mother all over again.

He remembers the stars hanging from his old dance studio’s ceiling — the ones he had tried to reach for at every jump and pirouette he did.

He remembers how happy he was then and how contented he was doing something he really loved.

Kyungsoo has everyone standing on their feet by the time his performance reaches its and he lands a quadruple salchow and triple toe loop combination right in time with the music that receives a loud roar of appreciation from the audience. 

At this point, Jongin feels a nudge on his arm and looks over at Minseok as the other hands him a piece of tissue. He was surprised because he did not even notice he was tearing up. Fortunately for him, Jongdae is still oblivious — too focused on the performance to pay attention. He would not have known what to say if his brother asks why he was crying.

Jongin mutters his thanks and turns his attention back to Kyungsoo’s performance once again.

Figure skating is art like how dance channels it, and he thinks he finally knows what he wants to pursue for his future.

He wants another shot at the stars.

And Kyungsoo just happens to be the lighthouse that pointed him in the right direction today.

~

KOREA’S SKATING PRODIGY CONTINUES TO SHINE

Doh Kyungsoo continues his fine form from the Grand Prix Final in Sochi, putting in a commanding performance in front of a loud home crowd to steal Gold from the reigning World Champion, Patrick Chan. Korea’s Golden Boy now has his eyes set on the World Championships next month.

Kyungsoo’s win also means this is the first time in figure skating history that a country has swept both the male and female titles. Kim Yuna won the Women Singles with yet another world record on Monday night. Byun Baekhyun also landed yet another podium finish with his Bronze.

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[+1014][-220] Both Kyungsoo and Yuna did so well!! Of course, what else do you expect from Queen Yuna? Kyungsoo-sshi looked a little nervous at the start, but when the music came on… WAHHH REALLY… He really deserved the standing ovation he got. Let’s go for the world record next time, Doh Kyungsoo! Fighting!

[+672][-109] I was there at the Olympic Hall yesterday. He is another level, seriously! The way he does his jumps… I got chills TT TT and I was watching with my mouth open the entire time. Good luck for Worlds, Kyungsoo! I am now a proud fan.

[+624][-200] IS IT TRUE LOEY MADE THE SONG KYUNGSOO SKATED TO IN HIS FREE?! Omg #couplegoals really. No wonder he interpreted the music so beautifully. Ahhh… I am envious.

[+270][-57] I think the guy sitting across me cried after his skate lol. But who could blame the fanboy tho… I was near tears too! Praying that Kyungsoo-sshi stays healthy and performs Hope and Legacy again in Canada!

[+28][-561] Kyungsoo who??? Baekhyun who? Sorry but Kim Yuna is still the Queen of Figure Skating. Just because you have one gold medal now, does not mean you are a great skater smh. GUYS SHOULD NOT SKATE PERIOD. FIGURE SKATING IS A GIRL’S SPORT. What a …

[+109][-53] Here comes another /rolls eyes/ figure skating is every bit a guy’s sport too! If you think you are so good, go and win a gold medal then! BOTH Kim Yuna and Doh Kyungsoo are EXCELLENT skaters… Baekhyun too! I am proud of them. KOREA is proud of them!

~

“Cheers to your gold medal!” Baekhyun yells out excitedly. “First of many to come!”

Jongin picks up his glass of apple juice ( yes , his brother had reminded him he is under the legal drinking age when they were ordering just now so he is stuck with a glass of juice while the rest of the table had beer and soju) and joins in the toast. He gets some beer spilled onto his hand when a slightly intoxicated Jongdae and Junmyeon clink their glasses together, and he sits back down with a grimace.

Minseok snatches his boyfriend’s beer and pinches his ear when he sits down too, so at least Jongin gets some entertainment out of watching the other scold his brother for drinking so much despite his low alcohol tolerance level.

“Thank you, everyone!” Kyungsoo beams at them from behind his glass before setting it down on the table. “I could not have done it without your support.”

“Here’s to another gold at Worlds next month!” Junmyeon stands, yells and downs his soju even before everyone else could raise their glasses in time. It is to no one’s surprise when the Coach slumps back in his seat and promptly falls asleep the next second.

“Cheers!” Baekhyun steps in to lead another round of them clinking their glasses together after an awkward pregnant pause.

“No more beer for you too, Soo. Don’t forget you have an early morning interview at the broadcasting station,” Chanyeol says, taking Kyungsoo’s glass from him and taking a gulp in his stead. The latter does not even complain and leans against his boyfriend’s chest with a happy sigh.

Jongin startles when Baekhyun gags exaggeratedly.

“I can’t even look at you two without feeling like I got diabetes all of a sudden,” the figure skater makes a face at Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. As if to prove a point, Kyungsoo snuggles up to his boyfriend even more and smiles to spite Baekhyun. “Where can I get a boyfriend ASAP?” Baekhyun groans.

Jongin stiffens when somehow the other’s stare lands on him sitting quietly in his corner. He has been quiet all evening, trying not to draw too much attention to himself because he does not know anyone here except for his brother and Minseok. Baekhyun’s eyes practically lights up and he gulps when the other looks him up and down.

“Jongin! Do you want to hang out with—”

“Not my baby brother, you !” Jongdae cuts in with such ferocity that Baekhyun yelps and sits back down with a pout. Everyone bursts into laughter, even Jongin who chuckles to himself.

If one were to ask him this morning what his dinner plans were, he would never have expected himself to be in the company of two world famous figure skaters and a renowned musician. After the prize presentation ceremony, where the entire crowd had erupted in cheers for both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun who had won the gold and bronze respectively, his brother and Minseok had dragged him towards the officials-only zone. It was there where they had met up with Chanyeol again and he was formally introduced to Junmyeon.

The Coach was very friendly and greeted his brother and Minseok warmly as they were old friends. By that time, Jongin was already seeing a pattern and he felt a bit left out because everyone seemed to know everyone, whereas he was just the awkward boy tagging along with his big brother to meet all these cool, famous people. He is famous too, in a way , but nothing as compared to these guys who are superstars.

Meeting Kyungsoo (and also Baekhyun) was the most nerve-racking moment for him. He was beautiful on the ice — the way he skated and the way he looked fighting for his dream, but Jongin had to keep himself in check when the other walked over to them and smiled. Kyungsoo still had glitter painted on the corners of his eyes and he looked like a proper angel .

After how he had touched Jongin with his performance, Jongin wanted to hug him and ask if he met his mother before he descended from heaven. But he figured it would be a weird way to introduce himself to Kyungsoo so he had held his tongue and hid behind his brother, only daring to give the other a small wave when he smiled at him and said hi.

Chanyeol had swept Kyungsoo up in a big hug afterwards and kissed his boyfriend in front of everyone, the pair unbothered by all the camera lens pointed in their direction.

Jongin also finds out a little later that Chanyeol is quite the famous person too — a lyricist and composer from SM Entertainment, who has won plenty of awards both locally and internationally. He has heard of the name LOEY before, but he has never seen him, so he is genuinely surprised it is Chanyeol who is behind some of his favourite songs he always listens to before competitions to calm his nerves.

“You should sing us a song, Yeollie!” Baekhyun suggests, pointing to the mini stage where a local band is just leaving after completing their set.

Chanyeol shakes his head at once and waves his hands shyly in front of him. But Jongdae has now joined in Baekhyun’s low chants of “Park Chanyeol! Park Chanyeol!” and they are slowing attracting the attention of patrons seated at the neighbouring tables.

“If you’re not going to sing, I’ ll do the honours,” Baekhyun declares loudly, jumping to his feet after. It seems the figure skater is well on his way to being drunk too for he wobbles slightly. Minseok has to grab onto his arm to help him find his balance.

“Let me join you!” Jongdae raises his glass and pops off his seat too, only for his boyfriend to haul him down at once. Jongin has never seen anything quite as amusing as Minseok holding back both Baekhyun and Jongdae from reaching the mini stage.

“Just one song, Yeol?” Kyungsoo smiles up at Chanyeol. “Please save us from drunk Baek doing random karaoke.”

He could see the exact moment Chanyeol caves in the way his face softens before he kisses Kyungsoo’s head and stands. “Okay, but only one song… for you , and not to keep this rascal from making a fool out of himself,” he tells the latter.

Jongin has never felt so envious, not even in the face of his brother and Minseok’s relationship. Kyungsoo looks ethereal with the smile growing on his face as he watches Chanyeol sit down in front of the piano and shyly introduces himself to everyone. Jongin cannot find it in himself to look away.

“Wait, is this—” he falls silent when Kyungsoo turns to nod at him having heard him ask.

“He was the one who composed Hope and Legacy for me,” the figure skater tells him with a smile.

No wonder… Jongin recognises the opening to the score Kyungsoo had skated to in his free skate earlier.

“Why don’t you go sing with Yeollie, Soo?”

Baekhyun sticks his tongue out when the other insists he does not want to sing now. He then turns to Jongin, probably because he is the only one who might not know.

“Did you know our Mr Gold Medal here can carry quite a tune himself? We always say he can become a singer after he retires from the sport later,” Baekhyun laughs. Jongin smiles shyly and nods along, not knowing what kind of a reaction the other is expecting out of him. The figure skater is looking very flushed on the cheeks now, and he starts to worry if he should tell the other to stop drinking.

“You know I love skating too much to walk away from it. I would probably be a Coach and stick around for some more years after,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes before quickly shushing his best friend when he makes to speak. “Keep quiet! I want to listen to Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun makes a face before pouring himself another shot of soju. “Chanyeol this, Chanyeol that… I swear you two cannot go a minute without mentioning each other. Like it isn’t cheesy enough for you to wear his soundwave ring all the time too,” he grumbles. He makes another face when he turns to Jongdae and Minseok who look like they are on the verge of making out, probably serving him a reminder again that he is single.

Jongin freezes when Baekhyun meets his eyes this time and breaks out into a slow smile.

“Jongin, my dear. Will you do me the honours and agree to go out on a date with—”

“Not my baby brother, ! I’ll slap you so hard you— Oww! Minnie…”

~

Some weeks later, Jongin is once again reminded that he was never meant to follow his father’s legacy.

A butterfly so delicate and beautiful, he is an art piece that deserves to be admired and appreciated from afar, not ruined by the violence of contact sport.

Unlike Jongdae, who is passion for ice hockey personified, Jongin feels stifled whenever he slips into his full gear and grabs onto his stick before stepping onto the ice. More so now that he has seen Kyungsoo skate and knows he has another dream he really wants to pursue other than ice hockey.

A couple of weeks has passed since he had set his mind on walking away from the sport, but Jongin has yet to gather enough courage to cut ties. It is not as easy as it seems, that is why he feels stuck living a dream that is not his to begin with — threading water as he goes and trying to keep alive while he figures out how to break the news to his father and brother.

“You ready to hit the ice?” Jongdae’s voice pulls him out from his reverie. “I know the Winter Olympics is more than a year away, but we cannot be slacking off now, can we?” His brother pats him on his heavily padded shoulders and pushes himself off the bench in the changing room. “Besides, it’s high time we take back the Challenge Cup from the Chinese in May.”

Jongin lets out a small grunt in acknowledgement and follows after the other. He briefly wonders if Jongdae can sense his reluctance to train from the way he drags his feet towards the rink.

There are already a few members of the national team warming up on the ice when they emerge from the changing room. Even though the session today is a non-compulsory one, it seems like many of his teammates have decided to come and prove their commitment to the team’s medal charge, as well as showcase their abilities to the Coach to earn themselves a place in the starting lines.

The media used to call them a tight unit driven by the collective spirit of individual passion and wanting to make their nation proud. Now, Jongin cringes whenever he recalls such reports for he feels it is unfair on his teammates — him receiving equal praise even though he dreams a different dream.

“Gather around so we can start, boys. We only have three hours before the junior team takes the ice, and there is plenty for us to do. Focus now!”

Everyone snaps to attention at the Coach’s voice and crowds around the tall male holding a clipboard to his chest. Jongin intends to let the rest go before him, but a strong tug on his wrist, courtesy of Jongdae, forces them both to the front of the group.

To the rest of the world, Coach Kim was a formidable champion and a legend in their country’s ice hockey sporting history. His professionalism, both as a player in the past and his coaching role in the present, had earned him the respect of all. 

To Jongin and Jongdae, however, Coach Kim is first and foremost their father.

But this line seems to have blurred in recent years.

To Jongin, his father is also his aviary.

His young self wishes to spread his wings and fly, but the weight of his father’s expectations and the watching world stunts his dream.

“I am glad to see many of you here this afternoon even though I gave you the option to take a break,” Coach Kim smiles and greets everyone with his usual sharp stare. “We all have high hopes for each and every one of you.” As he says this, his eyes seem to linger on Jongin and Jongdae longer than the rest of the team. “Let us train hard and make our country proud, alright?”

“Yes, Coach!” everyone yells out their determination.

“Good. Let us start with the face-off drill. Captain, split the teams.”

“Yes, Coach,” Jongdae nods.

Jongin’s brother possesses not the biggest of build, but he still holds unquestionable charisma in the way he leads everyone onto the ice and to the right wing before he sorts his teammates into their respective lines and starts practice. He is almost a carbon copy of his father in terms of skills and how he commands attention.

As his teammates skate around him, this is where Jongin has some liberty to zone out, his body already trained to go through the motions of hitting the puck around and marking his opponents one-on-one. He has spent his growing years playing the sport until it became second nature to him. The determination he had felt when his father first pulled him from ballet when he was 10 and had him into this world of ice hockey has long fizzled.

Now 17, Jongin is done pretending that he will grow to love walking this path.

It was not easy getting into the national team a year ago. Most of his current teammates had years of experience under their belt then, as well as muscle mass twice that of his — he was a mere skinny boy who came out of puberty late, with a body not quite matching his deep, rough voice. Naturally, his teammates had blitzed through tryouts and earned their coveted spots, all well-deserved in his opinion.

Many thought with their family background and their father’s history, that the brothers will have an easy time getting in. They cannot be more wrong. If anything, their father was their strictest critic when assessing their plays and skills; he definitely did not hold back on his criticisms. No amount of personal connections will ever taint the sacred selection process, and they experienced this for themselves the hard way.

Both him and Jongdae had gotten to where they stand now because of their own pure hard work, and Jongdae’s natural athleticism and his own frightening ability to pick up new things fast. That is why they are worthy inclusions in the eyes of their teammates. That is why they are respected.

But Jongin questions if it is worth it — if his motivation for getting into the national team was driven by the desire to please himself or the convenience of pleasing his family.

As he stands in the middle of the rink, awaiting his turn, his right feet curls subconsciously till he grounds the tip of his blade into the ice. He might have gone on YouTube to watch a couple of videos after the day he watched Kyungsoo skate. If it was a toe pick in its place, it will be so easy to swing his body from this position into a spin — just like a pirouette in ballet.

Jongin feels the imaginary wings on his back spreading to take flight already.

However, before he can get carried away and dream of step sequences and jumps, Jongdae’s voice calling out his name from the boards jerks him into action.

“Jongin, up top!” his brother yells.

He peels after his paired wingers at once and slaps the ice with his stick, yelling out a gruff, “over!” the second he finds a pocket of space. When he gets the puck, he easily sidesteps the defenseman who rushes out to shield his shot and snaps his wrist, sending the puck sailing into the top right-hand corner of the net.

Jongin’s goal is met with muted cheers from his linemates, and when his momentum brings him past the Coach, he hears a “brilliant goal, son” from his father.

He appears to smile around his mouth guard, but the bitterness he feels inside tells a different story. It is like he is stuck in a vicious cycle, one he does not know how to get out of. He really needs to find a good time to speak to his father. Soon.  

~

Jongin flexes and swings his stick with all his might, making a clean connection with the puck, and sending it right to the top corner of the goal — a classic postage stamp goal, that is what they call it.

He drags another puck to the blue line and winds his arm back again to release a similar shot on target. Silent and expressionless cuts him a sorry sight. Where once he felt exhilaration racing through his body whenever he sends a puck to the back of the net, be it during a game or in practice, now he feels emptiness.

Ever since he caught a glimpse of a potential dream through Kyungsoo’s skating, his mind has traveled and his heart has been won over. So distracted he has become that it has affected his training, he is pretty sure his father and teammates have noticed his more than usual sloppy passes and lack of commitment going into body checks.

Jongdae had shot him occasional worried looks in between drills this morning, and he had felt guilty after awhile. Here are his teammates putting in a hundred and ten percent effort every time — sacrificing sleep and time with their family and friends, all to train so they could be the best; so they deserve to be in the National Team, aiming for cups and trophies. He is nothing but a free rider at this point.

Not surprisingly, he had gotten an earful from the Coach after the latter had dismissed practice. Not even the intervention of his brother could spare him from the onslaught of harsh words from his father, and Jongin could only stare down at his feet, shame-faced, while Jongdae left.

He had received a snort and a sharp “of course you ought to” when he had volunteered to stay back to brush up on his skills. It was a self-inflicted punishment suggested to dissipate the tension growing between him and his father. So here he finds himself on the ice, trying to forget the hurt he had felt when the elder had turned his back on him after scolding him, trying to reignite his dying passion for ice hockey; trying not to think about another dream.

But it is hard. His mind wanders to spins and jumps whenever the puck he releases in his shot falls to the ice. He lowers his stick and pushes off with his feet gently, circling the goal and ultimately making a lap around the rink with his head still up in the clouds.

As Jongin skates, he thinks back to the way Kyungsoo did his step sequences — those fancy crisscrossing of his feet, his turns and twizzles, and he falls to the temptation of attempting it. The only thing missing are his fanciful arm extensions, those he used to do at ballet classes when he was younger. Jongin figures he will look a fool doing that now while suited up in his helmet and holding his hockey stick.

He is grateful no one is around to witness him promptly tripping over his own feet and crashing onto the ice with a loud squawk. It is harder than it looks, he realises. However, he shoots upright when he hears chatter and the sound of approaching footsteps. He would not know how to explain himself if anyone were to ask him why he was lying on the ice. A fall as an excuse is out of the question, even though it is the truth, given he would never admit it resulted from him having a go at some figure skating moves.

“It’s such a pity he won’t be in Ontario though. I was really looking forward to competing against him.”

The voice, deep but smooth like honey, is not unfamiliar.

Jongin perks up and picks his stick off the ice, right when a small group of five rounds the bend near the entrance to the rink. He spots Kyungsoo at once. Although with a small build, dwarfed by his friends, his presence is undeniable in the way it draws Jongin’s attention to him — even from a distance, like he had tunnel vision and Kyungsoo is his light.

The other was conversing with two other familiar faces, and he smiles and waves back when Yerim spots him and shouts out his name.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asks as he slides to a stop in front of the group and removes his helmet, tossing his hair slightly because he knows he looks a mess. Okay, he admits he may have gone a little overboard with his entrance, but he may or may not have been trying to impress a particular someone.

“Well, hello there, hottie. Should have known you were a hockey player like your brother.” Baekhyun interjects, breaking out into a smile, while Yerim reaches over the rink to give Jongin a brief hug. “You two are friends?” he asks.

“High school classmates,” Jongin explains. “I knew you skate, but I didn’t know you’re in the National Team!” he says this to Yerim who ducks her head and nods shyly.

“This one just qualified for the World Championships for the first time as well,” Baekhyun bumps his fist on the girl’s shoulder playfully. Jongin does not know the exact significance of the competition to Yerim, but he figures it must be a huge achievement as all World Championships are so he congratulates his friend before nodding at the other two girls hanging off each of Yerim’s arms and Kyungsoo.

“Hi everyone. Hi Kyungsoo.” His words may or may not have trailed off shyly towards the end because the other was staring at him with his beautiful wide eyes.

Jongin seriously hopes a blush has not made its way onto his cheeks when the figure skater beams at him in response, but from the way Baekhyun narrows his eyes at them, he figures he might have failed to get a grip on himself. He quickly clears his throat and tries to put on a straight face.

“Jongin, right? Jongdae’s brother?” Kyungsoo says. “Nice to see you again.”

He remembers my name! Jongin spazzes inwardly, ignoring Baekhyun grumbling to himself at the side because he had not gotten the attention he had wanted from Jongin.

His idol knows his name and that is the most important.

“This is Sooyoung and Seungwan,” Yerim introduces him to the two girls he is not acquainted with, and he bows politely in greeting. “They’re national skaters as well. In fact, we’re all here to train for Worlds. You’re done using the ice right? Junmyeon said he had booked the place for us.”

This rink the National Ice Hockey Team trains in belongs to his family, but he knows his father often allows external parties to rent it whenever there are no team practices or hockey classes for kids scheduled.

“No, I’m done. But I thought you guys usually train at Hanhwa?” He watches the skaters settle on the benches and prepare to hit the ice. Gone are the light smiles from their faces as a look of concentration settles while they put on their skates. Even Baekhyun looks the professional athlete he is, and Jongin feels a tad awed in their presence. It is a different feeling as compared to being in the presence of his own team, not that he is trying to disparage his teammates in any way.

“There was a bit of construction going on in the annex building of the skating centre and it was disrupting our practice,” Yerim tells him as she steps onto the ice.

“It is the World Championships in a month and we cannot afford to half- our practices, hence Junmyeon made arrangements with your Dad. He is in his office speaking to him now.” Baekhyun claps him on his shoulder pads when he passes by. “We will be here every morning before your practices, and then after lunch at around three, until we fly to Canada in the first week of March!”

“You guys train two times a day?” He leaves his helmet and stick on the sidelines and goes to retrieve the stray pucks lying around lest the skaters trip on them.

“Three times actually.” Jongin startles when Kyungsoo skates alongside him to the goal furthest from where they were. “Six days a week. We have off-ice training and sometimes dance classes in the evenings,” the other grabs onto one end of the goal post and jerks his head in his direction.

“Oh.” He quickly grabs onto the other end and helps Kyungsoo shift the goal post out of the rink. Training more than three times a day sounds really intense. It is more than he had envisaged actually. Yerim and Baekhyun takes care of the other goal post, while Sooyoung and Seungwan goes around clearing the pucks on the ice. “I think you guys have it tougher than us ice hockey players.” They pause at the edge of the rink.

“Yeah, we work really hard. It’s too bad a lot of people who don’t know the sport disregard the effort we skaters put into our programmes,” Kyungsoo shrugs, flexes his wrists and rotates his arms to loosen up his muscles. “I need to warm up now. Feel free to stay and watch us, Jongin.”

He does not share that he was already planning to stay and watch. It will be an honour to watch them train. Also, he shelves away in the deep recesses of his mind, the thought that his heart had done a mini leap in his chest when Kyungsoo had smiled at him before skating away.

After Jongin gets handed a bag full of pucks from Sooyoung, he settles on a nearby bench and unlaces his skates. On the ice, the five skaters are already immersed in their routine work. The sound of the blades of their skates cutting the ice and the occasional kick-off and landing after a jump are music to Jongin’s ears in the otherwise silent rink.

He makes quick work of removing his skates and socks, sighing at the relief of his legs meeting cool air after having been trapped in his skates for hours, and tugs his oversized jersey over his head. It leaves him in a sweat-soaked, skin-tight sports tank and shorts, but he does not mind his appearance.

Jongin watches Yerim execute a jump right in front of him and he finds his heart in his mouth when she wobbles on the landing, even though she ultimately stays on her feet. It must be one of the more difficult jumps, but as to what it is called specifically, he does not know. He has yet to familiarise himself with the differences in their many types of jumps and he makes a mental note to research this when he gets home later.

But Jongin finds his breath taken away when Kyungsoo speeds past, and once his eyes latches onto the other’s figure, he cannot find it in himself to look at anyone else.

Power, poise and elegance — Kyungsoo has it all. And when the other leaps into the air, he brings Jongin flying with him.

It was exactly how he felt when he saw him winning the Gold medal recently; how he was reminded of his mother and his past dreams. Kyungsoo instils hope in him that his passion is valid — that no sky is too small to accommodate him, and no dream unachievable if he just believes.

That is why he looks to the other like he is his idol now.

Jongin does not even realise he is getting into pirouette holding position, with his one foot in pointe, watching Kyungsoo spin away in the centre of the rink, until Junmyeon joins his side and points it out.

“You are familiar with the dance?” the Coach asks.

Jongin’s face colours immediately and he reverts to how one would usually stand casually. Except, he must have exaggerated his pose because Junmyeon gives him a weird look. “I used to do ballet when I was younger,” he shares, shifting his weight between his two feet awkwardly.

“Before you got into ice hockey?” The look of surprise on Junmyeon’s face is to be expected, he thinks. The contrast between the two is rather shocking. “Why didn’t you learn figure skating then? I would imagine you fitting in better, as opposed to the aggressiveness of hockey.”

He shrugs. “I did skate for a little while,” Jongin says as Junmyeon raises his eyebrows, as if waiting for him to elaborate. But Jongin leaves it at that. He is not comfortable mentioning how his mother’s death and his father’s grief had changed his plans.

“Ever thought of a career switch then?” Junmyeon says it in a joking manner, but what the Coach does not know is that this has been a serious consideration lingering in Jongin’s mind ever since the idea was first planted last month. “I’m just kidding, Jongin.” The other pats him on the back and gestures at his skaters on the rink. “I mean, you’re probably still young enough to do it but never mind what I said.”

Jongin hums and turns to look at the skaters again.

“A little under-rotated on the quad loop, Baek,” Junmyeon calls out when Baekhyun skates pass them. “Try to put more speed into the take-off.” The latter looks over, sighs and nods before picking up speed to give it another go. “Easy on the ankles, Sooyoung!” the Coach studies the girls’ forms and yells again.

“All the jumps look so difficult,” he comments, and Junmyeon turns to face him.

“They are,” the other nods. “Especially the quads Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are doing.” At the blank look on Jongin’s face, Junmyeon elaborates. “Quads refer to quadruple ju— look at Kyungsoo now, quickly!” Jongin whips his head forward, right as the said skater launches into the air. “Beautiful landing, Soo,” Junmyeon yells. “Maybe add a triple loop at the end of it for a combi?”

Kyungsoo does not look over, but he raises a thumbs up in the air to show he has heard.

“Four revolutions in the air,” Junmyeon tells Jongin. “It is crazy what these guys do in competitions nowadays. Go back a few years and quads didn’t even exist outside practice then. I’m sure I would have broken my ankle many times over,” he chuckles. “Now, you won’t even qualify for the podium if you don’t add at least three to four of them in your programme.”

“But those quads look practically impossible. I mean— that many revolutions in such a short amount of time? Is that not near impossible for a human?” Jongin asks.

“Now that is the thing about being a professional athlete and competing, is it not, Jongin?” the Coach smiles at him. “It’s all about pushing boundaries, pushing yourself to be better than what you were yesterday. In the end, it isn’t just a gold medal or about winning over the public with your accomplishments, but it’s about winning over yourself first. The jubilation of conquering mountains… I think that is most important and what will keep the flame in you going for many more years.”

Junmyeon’s words bring a rush to Jongin and he finds himself nodding at everything the other says. Winning over yourself first. He tells himself he needs to start putting himself first. Keeping the flame in me going for many more years… He knows he will not be able to achieve this if he dares not push past his boundaries and take a step away from the path his father had sent him off on.

“I a-agree… thank you, hyung,” he smiles and receives a fist bump on his shoulder.

He sees for himself what Junmyeon meant by conquering mountains in the way Kyungsoo pushes himself to execute his jumps. Even from a distance he sees the sweat lining the other’s forehead and the way he furrows his brows in utter concentration going into the entry of each jump. The skater’s dedication is admirable.

Jongin winces when Seungwan takes a tumble after exiting from a jump.

“You okay?” Junmyeon calls out to the girl. “I should go check on her,” the other pats him on the arm and steps onto the ice. “See you around, Jongin,” he says over his shoulder.

Jongin hums and stares at Seungwan who is now getting to her feet. Seeing that she is seemingly alright, he bends to pick up his stuff and decides to head for the showers first. It will be awkward to watch the entire duration of the session anyway. Also, he does not know how long they would be training. Ultimately, the icky feeling of his sweat drying on his skin and the greasiness of his hair combine to convince him he has to wash up.

What he does not expect to find is his father leaning against the wall beside the showers after he grabs his towel and change of clothes from the locker room. Apparently the elder was waiting for him because he takes a step towards Jongin when he sees him.

Jongin freezes and glances down at his feet, afraid to even make a noise given that their previous conversation had not ended on a good note.

“You know those skaters?” his father asks with a frown etched on his face. The disdain disguised by the tone he uses is not lost on Jongin, and he looks up with wide eyes.

“Y-Yeah, they’re friends with—” he wants to say Jongdae’s name, but something tells him not to.

“What makes you think you have the time to associate yourself with that bunch, son?”

Jongin takes a step back when his father advances on him. The look he gets from the latter is borderline menacing and it scares him.

“Need I remind you that the Challenge Cup of Asia is coming up? Do you think you are good enough for idle chit-chat with a bunch of figure skaters ? I saw you with their joke of a Coach. What they do on the ice is a joke compared to what we do. You should not be—”

He jerks his head up in surprise, taken aback by the harsh words leaving his father’s mouth. He did not know the elder felt this way about the sport. Somehow, he also does not appreciate the way he badmouths the skaters and Junmyeon.

“Don’t lose focus, Jongin. I need my team to be in the best condition, and that includes having the right mentality to train hard and win — something you are lacking recently. Tell me, is it because you’re hanging out with those gays ? Because I could—”

“Dad!”

And that is why his older brother and Minseok has kept their relationship a secret from their father all these while. Because they did not know how he would react if Jongdae (and Jongin) came out; because they had a hunch he would frown upon such relationships and behaviour. They were right. How the other is acting now validates all their worries.

“Stop it, father!” Jongin yells again and puts some distance between them, not so much because he felt threatened by the other’s imposing body language. Not anymore. But because there is a well of anger and injustice growing from the pit of his stomach and he does not think he could rein it in any longer. “What are you saying?! That bunch you speak lowly of are world renowned athletes, and they’re good people. They are friends. Why are you looking down on them and their sport?”

“Oh please , boy.” He fists his hands unconsciously when his father rolls his eyes and gives him a look. “Figure skating is for girls. Nobody wants to see those gay boys in their frilly, sequined attires, dancing around,” the elder scoffs. “Leave that to the girls. It is not a sport, unlike us real men who deal with hockey.”

Maybe it is because his father’s words strike too close to home. Also, he recalls what Kyungsoo had said earlier.

“Yeah, we work really hard. It’s too bad a lot of people who don’t know the sport disregard the effort us skaters put into our programmes.”

“But what’s so bad about wearing costumes and dancing around?” he asks. “I used to dance too, and I loved it. I think I really like figure skating too,” Jongin raises his voice, and this time he holds his father’s stare. “Dancing was my only dream! But you took it away from me after mom died. Remember? What right do you have to look down on it now?”

He winces when his father slammed him against the wall behind him, the elder’s short angry bursts of breath washing over his face with his every exhale.

Perhaps the name drop was uncalled for.

“You didn’t ask if I wanted to do ice hockey before you decided for me,” Jongin continued on nonetheless. “I wanted to reach for the stars! Mom told me to fly high and look for her in the stars, but you were the one who trimmed my feathers and stopped me.” At this point, he could barely make out his father’s face through the tears in his eyes. The only thing grounding him is the tight grip on his shoulders.

“Don’t bring up your mother.” His father shakes him hard and jostled him against the wall. “I did what I thought was best for you and what was best for the family.” The grip on his shoulders slacks after a minute, and he is finally released. Jongin stares at his father’s back in desolation when the other turns away from him yet again . That broad back again. He thinks he has had enough of this sight.

“If you really hate hockey so much, if you really think I am the one stopping you from reaching this pathetic dream of yours of being a figure skater… Get out of my sight. Go be one of them. Go be another useless skater.”

Jongin’s jaw drops and his heart plummets at the cold look his father gives him over his shoulder.

“I don’t have such a pathetic son. You’re not my son.”

It takes a lot of courage for Jongin to pick up the clothes he had dropped when his father had manhandled him and to walk away after a long pause. He wants to prove his father wrong — that he can live his own life.

The look of shock on the elder’s face, perhaps he had expected Jongin to bow to his threat like how he had kept quiet and accepted his fate all these years, morphs into betrayal and then finally contempt.

Jongin walks away from his old life with his head held high and his shoulders lighter than they have ever been. But when under the hot shower awhile later, he crumbles as the water wipes his remaining tears away for him.

Today is the last day you shed a tear, Kim Jongin. He tells himself this.

No more tears, only smiles from now on.

~

He must have lost track of time when breaking down in the showers because the next thing he knows someone is resting their hand on his shoulder. Jongin jerks and looks up right into Kyungsoo’s concerned eyes.

“Jongin, are you okay? What are you doing on the floor?” Kyungsoo grabs onto his arm to steady him when he scrambles off the tiles, wiping furiously at his eyes because he does not want the other to see. Although, he thinks he is probably too late. Thank goodness he is already dressed, although the same cannot be said about Kyungsoo.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it. The showers are empty… help yourself to them.” Jongin ducks his head and side steps Kyungsoo so he can get to the sink, but the skater follows after him persistently.  

He must have finished his training ahead of Baekhyun because the other guy was nowhere to be seen. Jongin does his best to avoid staring at Kyungsoo’s bare chest and tight boxer shorts because wow. But now is not the time and place for this. Whatever this is.  

“Have you been crying in here for two hours?”

Oh, so that is how much time has passed.

“Noooo…” he denies strongly, but the crack in his voice gives him away. He winces. How embarrassing.

“Well, clearly you have because your eyes are so puffy right now.” Kyungsoo takes him by surprise when he spins him around forcefully and steps closer, practically caging him in between the sink and a really hot bod. “I know we’re not that close, but I’m a pretty good listener, you know? You’re clearly not okay so do you want to tell me what is wrong and get it off your chest a little?”

“Or do you want me to call your brother?” he adds after a pregnant pause.

“No, don’t call Jongdae!” Jongin shouts, muttering a soft apology afterwards for raising his voice. Alerting the other now is the last thing he wants. He needs time to figure out how to break the news to him.

He blames it on Kyungsoo’s eyes when he speaks up — they are big, pretty and very persuasive.

“I think I just quit the National Team and got disowned by my father,” Jongin blurts out.

All credit to the skater though for he only blinks in response and pushes Jongin to sit on the bench. Any reaction bigger than that from Kyungsoo and he will have undoubtedly fallen back into his earlier emotional turmoil.

“Tell me all about it,” Kyungsoo says calmly, settling down on the bench too. And that is when the floodgates open as Jongin spills everything , from his childhood to his mother, ice hockey, seeing Kyungsoo skate at Four Continents to the present day — him wanting to pick up figure skating, as implausible as it sounds.

Kyungsoo does not interrupt him at all, he only nods and chimes in as and when he felt Jongin needed to hear a second opinion.

“I think you can do it, Jongin. It is a big step, and I am honoured you think seeing me skate inspired you to make this decision, but I have faith in your courage.”

“You do not think I am too old to start figure skating?”

“What are you— 16 or 17 now?” Jongin nods and Kyungsoo pats him on the shoulder. “If you are thinking about going competitive, the road might be a little bit tough but not impossible. Do not write yourself off from the start, okay? There have been champions who bloomed late. I mean, the men’s field is typically older than the women’s so…”

“I-I don’t even know where to start,” he stares ahead blankly.

“Well, finding a Coach is step one,” Kyungsoo adds helpfully. “There are regional clubs with the resources to help your transition into figure skating you could try out for. Forget what you have learned through ice hockey. You do not need those techniques anymore. Figure skating is a whole different ball game altogether.”

“Regional clubs and a Coach… got it.” Jongin makes a mental note to search up options on his phone later. “Although, I doubt anyone would want me,” he says softly. 

“You know you actually remind me of myself back in the days.” Kyungsoo gives him an encouraging smile. “I was really young and lost, but I just loved skating so much and stubbornly refused to give it up whenever my mother would try to get me interested in something else. It took some time for me to find my footing. Guess I got lucky when Junmyeon decided to take a gamble on me,” he chuckles. “He was the only one who believed in me and invested in me when no one else wanted to give me a chance.

“He sounds like a great guy.”

“Yes, he is.” Kyungsoo agrees. “He is a former professional skater so he is always the one giving me advice and sharing his experiences. I’m very grateful for him.”

“Well, you are a great guy too so would you help me like how he helped you?” Jongin nibbles on his lower lip uneasily. Wait, that sounded too demanding. So not a second later, he finds himself taking back his words. “Actually, scratch that… that was rude of me to ask you for a favour. We don’t even know each other that well. I will try to find my own Junmyeon.” He hides his face in his palms after his little ramble.

Kyungsoo laughs. “Come on, you practically told me your whole backstory earlier, Jongin. Are  we not friends now at the very least?” The skater only continues after he sees Jongin peeking out at him from in between his fingers. “I can’t promise to be your Junmyeon because I’m going to be very busy in the coming months and I probably will not have time to watch you train. You’re better off finding a full-time Coach. But—”

Jongin holds his breath in anticipation.

“— if you need advice from a friend and senior, I promise you can always come find me.” Kyungsoo smiles. “I will be there for you.”

“You would do that for me?”

“Of course. I told you how much you remind me of my past self, right? I would have appreciated having someone to support me back then.”

“I might pester you with questions every single day,” Jongin warns teasingly.  

“I look forward to it,” Kyungsoo chuckles.

“You know this promise might come back and bite you in the one day. Are you sure you don’t want to take it back?”  

“No take backs, and I never break my promises. Ever.”

Jongin pauses to stare at Kyungsoo with watery eyes before he decides to take the plunge, lunging forward to envelop the skater in a tight hug.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“You're squeezing me too hard, Jongin. I cannot breathe,” Kyungsoo wheezes.

“From the bottom of my heart… t-thank you.”

He finally feels the other returning his hug and patting him on the back, in gentle circles.

“You’re going to be okay, Jongin. You’ll do well… I’ll make sure of it.”

“Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here and why am I not invited to the hug Jongin while half- party?!” The sudden appearance of Baekhyun in the doorway forces them apart, and when their eyes meet again, all they can do is burst out into laughter.

~