Day 1

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When you can’t even love yourself properly, how can you think about loving others? What can you give when there’s nothing you’ve received? It sounds selfish and biased, to feed off gratefulness and use someone who you believe would be of importance to you, not by the reasons of sensing the fear of losing that person, but from t he fear of losing everything you have always believed in.

It is not a crazy world, nor an empty one, or a packed one.

It’s simply the world you’re  living in. And all the worlds the people created for themselves are simply poor imitations that molded each to fill in the needs, wants, and desires of those who created them.

The world itself is simple. Life itself could either be short or long. Every thing depends on the people holding them. A microcosm will always be a representation, not the real thing.

“Are you still happy?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Do you have any regrets?”

“I’m not sure.”

“So what are we now?”

“What do you want it to be?”

Facing each other, one trying to look straight into the other’s eyes, but can’t do so, with the thoughts of not wanting the conversation to continue. Hoping that the doubt that is denied would just stop. Hoping that they’ll just hang on.

“If I ask you to stay with me, would you actually do so? I don’t doubt anything about this, about us, but do you actually think of the same idea? By any chance… would you want it yourself to stay?”

“I’m not in doubt, but I’m like anybody else who gets tired and loses patience, who…lets go if it’s too much. I’ll never be able to fill that void in you left by the person, and I think I’ll never do. But I don’t want to be someone’s replacement, I want to be the person you think of now, you care for now, not someone who just helps you forget. Jun, I’m tired of this.”

“…Can’t you not let go now? Can’t we just think of this all over again and try to start anew? I don’t think… I’ll be able to let go of you.”

“You’ve done it easily with your first love, what makes it harder to do now? Between us, it’s you who can’t just live on what’s in the present. Let’s end this here. Before I fall deeper, before we place whatever label it should be, then everything will be so much easier. You won’t need to pressure yourself to be always there when I need you. Or when I just want someone’s company. You won’t even need to force yourself to think of me, or the actions you should show. Just… do whatever you’ve always wanted to do. Go to her, and stop minding about me. Make yourself happy. It’ll be easier that way, it’ll be easier for us.”

“Jeonghan, can we-”

“Stop fooling yourself…. You don’t love me, and you know it well in yourself, you never will. Just go”

It was not a happy ending, since there’s no real happy ending in reality. Just mere light days, or memories, but never a story of happiness that lasts forever.

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Is it worth it?

When you felt that spark, that one single second that could change your perspective in life, would you run after it immediately in a hurry to catch it fast, or wait until everything falls into its place for it to end up in your hands if it’s meant to be yours?

What if you were too aggressive to notice that it won’t work? What if you’re too slow to act that you lose your chance for a lifetime? What if no matter how much you work hard for achieving that goal you would never be able to grasp since it was never for you in the first place?

What if you found the place you want to be in but it’s not the right space for you? What if you believed you’re happy but it was just the illusion you built yourself? What if waiting will never bring you anywhere?

There’re too many what ifs that it makes you scared to look forward.

And it’s too painful to think of trying when it will only lead to pain at the end.

“Can you just stop being so naïve and see that he’s nothing but bad news?”

“You’re just bitter because he chose his first love over you.”

“To make myself clear, it was me who chase him away, not the other way around.”

“Yeah right, whatever you say, smartass.”

If he could remember it right, they ended it on a cloudy day, while cuddling for the last time, laptop on the bed’s edge showing Interstellar that was left neglected and just used as a background soundtrack.

Everything rushed to Jeonghan’s mind right after throwing a glance at the nearest window to his desk, noticing how summer is ruined by the incoming storm, gray clouds looking heavy filling the sky in rapid succession.

Working as an instructor in an all-boys school, while being open about his uality was no easy feat, with all the pranks done and hatred thrown at him. it would have also been fine if it stayed to be as untouched topic, but his best friend is such an open book when he’s drunk that the beans were spilled just within a week after he started his teaching job.

Let’s just say, his welcoming party was not a pretty sight.

“Seungkwan, how about you try zipping your mouth and let me work in peace?”

“”Tsk. If you’re not my best friend I’ll bully you to the ends of the world.”

“Nah, you love me too much to actually torture me. Besides, you shouldn’t ruin your image to that gentleman of yours. Isn’t he going to be accompanying you to your hometown this weekend?”

Blushing at the thought to his parents and his partner meeting sooner than expected, the younger one threw an eraser towards the other’s direction, hitting him directly on his cheek, making the other stand up immediately and take the files he’s working on instead of doing another overtime.

“See you on Monday Hannie!”

“Aish, this brat.”

He does not hate the fact that he’s left alone, he hates that there are chances of seeing others alone as well. Seungkwan might not be the model best friend, being unrespectful at times, with his loud mouth, his own oddities, but he did not look at him with contempt, with pity, nor with uncertainty. He looked at him the same way when he was waiting for Jeonghan finish his assignment back in middle school so they could spend time again in leisure. When the world expected too much of him, his friend simply waited for him without any demands.

That’s why he can’t help but not give his full trust to the person who made his friend discover the funs of being in love, even though he had seen Hansol's good points already despite of the piercings and the tattoos. He’s not hating on the person, but on the chances of heartbreak for his best friend, absurd as it may sound.

Being left alone for so many times already, he knows the fears and pains that come with facing the world alone, and he doesn’t want anyone to feel it, especially not to those who made him felt accompanied on the tiring journey.

For now, he’ll just go home.

‘Cause trying to be silent about things, nor trying to think and forget things is not the same as actually forgetting the emotions that came with the memories.

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The streets are still beautifully lit, but the sounds that came with it are more withdrawn for that time of the day than usual. A little past midnight used to be bustling with the city businesses but it’s calmer at the said hour, with Jeonghan liking the change in pace, despite of the unusual scene.

There are even fewer customers in his favorite pizza place, but he’ll pass for now, with the want to quickly let his body flop on his unkempt bed, and imagine that tomorrow would never come so he could just sleep forever and not face reality anymore. Of course, it’ll just remain as one of his wishes.

Sound of glass hitting the tiled floor and breaking into pieces broke his thoughts, and he realized he’s been gazing at the menu a little too long than what a normal person that’s just glancing would do, and he ended up immediately avoiding the eyes now looking at him stronger than what he expected from being noticed. Perhaps their orders were just taking longer than usual. Perhaps he just really looked like a crazy bystander.

No matter what the reason is, being able to reach home would be enough.

--

Only a piece left uneaten yet still left alone to be soggy, thus another piece of pizza meeting the trash bin.

For it’s just another sleepless night. 

And just like any other days, Wonwoo doesn’t try to be in a hurry knowing that his current job is not something that requires a fixed schedule for him, being an author, but by all means, he knows how awful his situation would be if he fails to comply with the deadlines, thus pulling a laptop from his work desk, plopping back on the bed and typed immediately as soon as inspiration hits him.

It doesn’t matter whether he’s roaming the busy streets in the city or relaxing inside the comforts of his own home, once the idea sinks in, he’ll be typing furiously until satisfied with the amount of workload finished.

Even his dreams were all recorded, every single time he’s able to sleep properly without any interruption. Since the day that he could remember most of the scenes from his nightly escapade, he felt scared at some points due to the vividness of the images and the realism of the things that affect his senses. The sweetness of cream and the tinge of orange from a slice of cake he tasted, that pain knee accidentally scraped after stumbling on an asphalt road, that smell of the ocean breeze that wafts along the shore where he stood upon, they all felt real.

What’s pleasurable made his senses feel enticed by the sensations it brought.

But it still doesn’t compare to what reality could bring, thus he knows he would need to get up and work on fixing his house and filling up his stock of food again before he goes to another rage of writing. He had experienced it before, being into his own world of fantasies and illusions and it was not a pretty story to tell on his own, being hospitalized for dehydration and over-fatigue from work. And he’s not even physically strained to finish his project on time.

Before he could decide on what jacket to wear for his nightly escapade, the sound of bed creaking and walls slammed with whatever blunt object, he does not care anymore, reached his ears and for the nth time, he wants to return the favor by turning his rock playlist but he’d rather keep to himself, rather than be involved with something that might grow large that’ll it ruin his work. After all, it would just be for another two weeks before he could transfer to a better house, without the nosy and uncaring neighbors.

He just hopes that the next tenant would be used to the games of soccer on the left and the rabbits on heat at the right of his small but cozy home.

The silence that met him when he reached the main street brought him discomfort despite of needing peace and quiet after what he encountered earlier.

Whatever noise the people in their community prefer, just being able to buy what he needs all the time would be enough.

--

He is living for work.

Quite cold morning slowly warmed by the rising sun welcomed him as Soonyoung left the comforts of home, arms still aching from yesterday’s job, and mind still on the verge of shouting at his boss that kept on adding to the list of his work as if he’s a robot and to his junior who kept on asking that it felt like he had been pushed with another set of items to fix outside of his labor scope. He’s a game developer and he knows how much he wanted to have a job in the said field but he just felt like a slave at work.

Focusing on what would be the tasks for the day, he didn’t notice the birds just chirping earlier falling without any trace of blood, one by one, as he took the bus, eyes slightly drooping from lack of sleep.

As he settled on his usual spot near the back every time there’s less passengers, his eyes went to what’s happening outside the window, after being startled by child sitting across from her seat of choice, shouting in awe while pointing at the small figures falling like rain drops.

By this time, gaze staying longer on what’s outside the safety of their vehicle, it was by then that he noticed, with the sleepiness being washed away.

Something horrible is going on.

“Mom, what’s wrong with the-”

And before he heard the end of the kid’s words, he saw her pointing to his face directly now rather than outside and felt a gush of warm blood seeping from his nose, then darkness followed.

His last thought though was, he won’t be able to finish that npc he’s been working on.

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From: 12_22_21 Hello, just writing as a form of hobby, hope you'll enjoy this story as an early Christmas gift from me (too early but whatever, everyone deserves a gift) though this will be turning into a darker road of events, so early warning for the future chapters, though it's light for now. Hope you'll spend the rest of the day in happiness.

To: Any reader who decided to pass by and give time to read this odd story of mine.