I'm not sure if this necessarily needs a trigger warning but there are mentions of depression and anxiety, lots of self deprecation and body image issues. Read at your own risk if something does not sit well with you. Otherwise, happy reading <<33
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Wooyoung sighed as he scooted off the edge of his bed, quick to walk to his dresser on the other side of the room. His antidepressants were there along with his new prescription of prenatal vitamins. He'd just picked them up three days before after he'd taken a visit to his primary physician for the constant nausea he'd experienced, wondering if it was a symptom of his antidepressants. They'd raised the dosage and with a lack of an answer to all the throwing up he'd done, Wooyoung made an appointment for that in mind but instead went home with the knowledge that he was pregnant. Six weeks along and he'd been able to get an ultrasound print to bring home to Mingi who hadn't the slightest inkling that Wooyoung had been pregnant at all. A total "surprise" instead of an accident according to Mingi, but something they were going to deal with and adjust to as time went on. Mingi had been ecstatic albeit shocked to find out he'd made a person with his boyfriend but was readily giving Wooyoung answers and a plan of action they were going to take to prepare for this baby. 

It was a big change for Wooyoung of course since he was the one who was pregnant, especially when it came to taking care of himself. The prenatal vitamins were larger than his antidepressants and it was hard getting used to with a whole other pill to swallow, but it wasn't harder than trying to get better. Wooyoung wondered why he was having such a hard time, especially when he was supposed to be happy. 

Depression wasn't a stranger. It had taken its visits here and there and for now, he was in the early stages, a new presence in the house that he and Mingi had unfortunately grown accustomed to. Wooyoung believed that getting pregnant during his depressive episode was bad luck and made sure with his new gynecologist that he was okay to take his antidepressants while pregnant and he had been reassured several times that yes, he could continue taking them while pregnant and there would be no repercussions on the baby. The constant fear at the back of his head was all effective in preventing him from being happy about everything that was happening. 

Once in his system and out of his mouth, Wooyoung crawled back into his bed and curled up under his blanket, face pressed into Mingi's pillow that he had moved to his side of the bed and was hugging to his chest. He inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of last night's shampoo and the natural smell Mingi had. He smelled so nice and the essence of his boyfriend was lifting his mood from what it was currently. Mingi was off at work at the dance studio, the same place Wooyoung worked and where they happened to meet, and he had been gone since early morning. He was teaching all day but for Wooyoung, it was his day off and instead of doing anything productive like he probably should have done, he had instead spent his whole day in bed. He had woken up and hadn’t left his bed unless absolutely necessary. Just one of those days he was all too familiar with and one of those days that were becoming more frequent as more time passed. 

Wooyoung spent most of his morning staring at the ceiling and silently crying to himself for no particular reason, something that was quite common when it came to depression. It was past noon and he hadn’t eaten breakfast nor lunch, had only really left the bed twice to go to the bathroom and take his medications. He’d barely slept the night before and so his body felt weak and with these two combined, it did not leave for good mental stability. In all of the crying he had done today already, Wooyoung’s main focus had been how terrible of a mother he already was. 

He was supposed to eat so he could healthily grow this baby, he was supposed to be getting enough rest so he wasn’t exhausted, he was supposed to be happy and excited. But he didn’t feel anything like that and evidently, he was a terrible mother already. In his head, he wouldn't ever be good enough, not with how he was handling this already. He won’t even eat when his stomach is growling for food because he doesn’t want to, afraid of the things it will do to his body, another branch of the mental illness he was sporting. He had been doing so much better before, had gone a long time without thinking so horribly of himself but once the depression kicked in and he was upset with himself again, then it was time for it to make its return and torture his already fragile self-esteem. How can he be a good mother when he's constantly having mental health issues and feeling worthless? 

Wooyoung knows that this is his own way of thinking. No one ever told him he was worthless. It just happens and that's how depression works. It for sure wasn't Mingi telling him these things, he would never. Mingi was the sweetest person Wooyoung had ever met and his mind wandered to the small actions that made his tummy flutter the most. Just this morning, Mingi had woken up for work and made sure to give Wooyoung plenty of kisses to wake him up and say goodbye. Wooyoung remembered trying to hide his face, certain it was all puffy and swollen from sleep, but Mingi had assured him that he was beautiful even when Wooyoung hadn't asked for it. Wooyoung hadn't felt beautiful and having Mingi go into detail how beautiful he thought his boyfriend was, it had been nice. He'd felt so special even when he felt so icky inside. 

Thinking now about how much Mingi had done for him already was making him emotional and the tears started to flow. A sudden dread wiped over him, unsure if this was down to hormones or down to the depression. His stomach was starting to hurt and it was evident why when his brain wandered to how he didn't deserve Mingi. He wasn't good enough for Mingi, would never be. Now Mingi was trapped with him forever because of this baby, he was stuck with someone less than mediocre and it was all his fault. If he had been more careful, hadn't missed out on his birth control, made sure the condoms were good quality, hadn't been so stupid...

He was crying now. Sobbing. A hand covered his mouth to stifle the cries as he let the tears flow freely. He was useless. He curled up tighter into a ball under the sheets, making himself as small as possible to hide away from the world. Feeling this way was terrible and he wanted it to stop, but there was a long road ahead of him that was going to be painstaking and agonizing. He would need to be patient but he was done now. He wanted this to be over with. 

"Wooyoung," Mingi cautiously spoke. Wooyoung didn't even notice him walk into the room, hadn't known he had come home either. Wooyoung didn't even have time to respond before Mingi was on him. He crawled into the bed next to him and immediately wrapped his arms around the smaller, holding him close and to his chest as he whispered words of comfort into his hair. A hand was rubbing into his back right where Wooyoung liked it the most. He had a lot of back pain and issues since he was a teenager that led into his adulthood, digressing over time. Mingi was the same way and both knew the best spots to rub to get the knots of pain out of their muscles. Mingi was getting closer to an area that tickled when it was touched, but Wooyoung couldn't giggle or laugh this time around. He was too busy choking on his sobs and tears to do that. 

Mingi didn't talk at first and just let Wooyoung cry, let him get it out of his system because whenever Wooyoung cried he always felt better afterward. Especially now that he was back in a depressive episode, crying happened often and it lead to a generally better disposition. Mingi wasn't always there when Wooyoung did cry, but when he was, he made sure to hold the younger close and let him know that he was loved. That was easy to forget when you were so depressed and so critical of yourself. Love felt like something he didn't deserve and something that he shouldn't have. 

Eventually, Wooyoung did stop crying, lungs and throat hurting enough for his body to need a break. He laid there, gasping and chest shaking as he buried his face into Mingi's strong chest. One hand was covering his face, shielding it from Mingi's sight so he didn't have to see how much of a wreck he was. The other was behind his boyfriend's back, thumb rubbing into the lean muscle that Mingi had there. Mingi's heart was beating against Wooyoung's forehead where he was so deeply curled up so he was hidden. Mingi had tried to straighten him up at one point to see his face but Mingi had prohibited it and he hadn't pushed it. Even when crying Mingi thought Wooyoung was gorgeous, but pushing that wasn't going to help anything. There were some boundaries Mingi couldn't test. 

"Wooyoung, what's wrong?" Mingi asked, voice low and careful. If it was going to overwhelm his boyfriend more then he was ready for more waterworks, but he was hoping that he would open up a bit and let him know what was wrong. Whatever the reason was that he was crying, being left in the dark would hurt him as well. But then again, Wooyoung was hurting and asking him to open up could hurt him more. But trying was always something he did, and Wooyoung would always open up eventually. 

And Wooyoung did want to open up to his boyfriend, but it was so hard to do when he was so upset about something so personal. Mingi was so excited about this baby and being told that Wooyoung wasn't would certainly devastate him. He lacked the confidence to speak about it and to diverge the conversation, he mumbled, "Nothing," a typical depression answer, but it's not 'nothing'. It's everything, but it's not easy to bring that up without making Wooyoung even more upset. Saying it out loud is different from thinking it, makes it even worse to hear and only more tears follow until he’s a blubbering mess. 

Mingi isn't buying it because there was obviously something wrong, even if it was chalked down to hormones. Something had to have upset him so much and Mingi just wanted to help his boyfriend out and to make him feel better, but if Wooyoung wasn't willing to open up, then he wouldn’t push it. It's hard to help when he won't open up, but Wooyoung would talk to him when he was ready. He was the one having a hard time. This was bigger than Mingi, this was Wooyoung. The love of his life. He just had to trust him, "Okay. I'm always here for you, you know that right?" he asked, placing a kiss on the top of Wooyoung's head, nose buried in the soft and bleached strands. His boyfriend was hurting a lot and Mingi wished he could do more than what he was doing now, but he had to be patient. 

And patient he was as he let Wooyoung suffer in silence, even though he would do anything for him not to. Wooyoung was vulnerable and needed to know how amazing he was and Mingi was going to do just that. Mingi was doing his absolute best to let Wooyoung know how special he is in little ways, no big and scary gestures that could overwhelm his boyfriend. It started with notes, something Wooyoung loved above all other gestures of affection. When they were in the beginning stages of them dating, Mingi would always write him notes on every scrap piece of paper he had and it wasn’t until they were six months into their relationship that he found out Wooyoung had kept every single one in a box he had in his closet. Since then, it had been something Mingi attempted to do more. But then they moved in together and the notes slowed down until they didn't happen anymore, finding them a bit unnecessary since they were with each other all the time. Mingi wished he hadn't stopped and after careful examination of the notes Wooyoung still kept in their closet without him knowing, he hadn't written Wooyoung a note in close to two years and that made him feel like a failure. It was time to change that. 

It started one of those mornings where Mingi was scheduled to go in a few hours earlier than Wooyoung. He had already taken his shower and it was now Wooyoung's turn. Mingi had offered for the two of them to shower together to "conserve water", which is always his excuse to be with his boyfriend, but Wooyoung had turned the idea down, wanting to seclude and not let Mingi get intimate in any way with him. He felt horribly vulnerable and letting Mingi see how insecure he was feeling felt wrong when he felt like such a burden already. Wooyoung felt worthless and telling Mingi this would hurt him so much, there was no way he was going to mention any more than he wanted or had to. With his need for space, Mingi wasn't going to push it, it would do no neither him nor Wooyoung any good if he forced anything. 

While Wooyoung had been in the shower, Mingi had been in and out of the bathroom as he readied himself for work. He had left Wooyoung to himself, not wanting to bother him in any way and Wooyoung appreciated it, but he also wished Mingi would do something about it. Depression was confusing and Wooyoung didn't even know what he wanted. His boyfriend was respectful of him and sometimes even that was too much. Wooyoung felt as though he wanted to be bothered, but it would be too much. 

Eventually, Mingi was good enough to go and he was wishing Wooyoung his farewells, "I'm going to leave, Wooyoung. I love you, and make sure to drink plenty of water and eat a good breakfast. It's good for both you and the baby," thinking about the baby that was growing inside of Wooyoung made him giddy, excited at the prospect of having a baby with the one he loves. Mingi was so excited to be a father. He had always wanted kids, always imagining being a father and whenever he played house with his cousins, he was always the dad. Every time. Being told he was going to be an actual father had his heart racing and his lips smiling. That had been the best day of his life when Wooyoung showed him the positive pregnancy test, and he was looking forward to having a baby to call his own. 

At the mention of the baby, Wooyoung glanced down at his still flat abdomen. There were no outward signs that he was pregnant, but he had plenty of proof to say that he was. Glancing now where the baby was positioned, he debated whether or not to actually touch his lower belly. He had seen plenty of pregnant women and men touch their bumps with such a look of adoration and joy in their eyes, but he didn't feel that way. He felt useless and like a horrible mother. Wooyoung thought of moving his hand and just testing the waters, but the thought of doing so terrified him. His hand stayed clenched at his side and his nails dug so deep into his palm that it started to hurt. And he realized he still had to respond to Mingi, "Love you, too," he said a little less enthusiastically even though Mingi meant the world to him. He felt like he didn't deserve Mingi's love, which was ridiculous in retrospect. But that was his thought process, and depression was to blame for that. 

"I'll see you later then. Arrive safely, I'll leave you the car," Mingi sing-songed, but his tone was downcast. Wooyoung could tell that his smile was gone and he was putting up a front for Wooyoung to buy as though there was nothing wrong. Wooyoung knew him better than that but chose not to say anything more, afraid his voice would crack and he would cry, then Mingi would panic and try to comfort him. Wooyoung settled for a hum in response and Mingi was on his way, albeit reluctantly. It wasn't like Mingi could blame him for his response, he knew how Wooyoung could get and it was better to leave some things be. And even though Wooyoung appreciated that lack of prodding from his boyfriend, he still felt his heart ache as he continued with his shower, taking his time so he didn't have to pay attention to outside responsibilities for a while longer. 

But despite his best efforts, he ended up crying into his hands, letting the water rain on his head and face. He was frustrated. At himself, at what he was feeling, at Mingi, at Mingi's attempts at giving him space, at the baby, everything. Wooyoung just wanted a hug without feeling the repercussions of his emotions and their variable changes. His mind and heart were not in connection nor communicating properly and the pain it caused was damaging. He was confused and hurt, and he wanted to get better for his, Mingi's, and the baby's sake. 

Wooyoung finished his shower after ten more minutes of standing in the steaming water, waiting until the water was too hot to stand in for much longer. He grabbed his towel and wiped himself down before stepping towards the mirror, not particularly excited to look at himself but feeling it necessary to do so. He was critical of his body and after every shower, he made sure to look at all of his flaws in his reflection, disappointed that the hot water didn't wash away any of his insecurities. It would be much easier that way instead of facing them and changing them himself. 

Wooyoung moved to wipe away the condensation to get a good look at himself but a bright pink sticky note was in the way, right in the middle of the mirror so that it was painfully obvious and hard to miss. He lowered his hand and not wanting to get the note wet, Wooyoung peered closer, expecting it to be a reminder of some sorts, like they needed more milk or eggs and that Wooyoung should walk to the market close by and pick some up before he went to work. But that’s not what he found and instead he found a long message. Reading what was scrawled on, Wooyoung felt his eyes tear up in both a good and bad way. 

You look so beautiful today (not like you don’t every day). I woke up before you and the first