Youngjae's hands were clammy, and shaky although he wasn't playing any significant role during this surgery. He was standing by the sides, assisting Dr. Im and the other, unfamiliar, doctor from ortho. Just holding a tray with a few scalpel handles and amputating knives, yet his mind was running miles.

The reason was most likely because Youngjae had never done ortho before and everything was different and strange, yet Youngjae knew he shouldn't be feeling this way. He should be ecstatic about having gotten into this surgery, he should be happy but the amputation and electric bone saws resounded like thunder in the room which felt like it was constricting him.

It was hard to convince himself that there was no need to feel this way, that he was fine and wouldn't spend a single thought on how he felt like he couldn't breathe right now. None of his feelings would matter later on when he was going home, which meant nobody would reassure him, and at this moment, right now, Youngjae felt like he needed reassurance the most.

A hand on his shoulder, gentle words, a kind look.

Youngjae knew he couldn't be expecting anything during surgery. Nobody cared about how anxious he was right now, a woman was lying in front of them, one of her legs nearly torn apart from her body and twisted into gruesome positions. They had taken the wreck of a bike off of her, and the surgery seemed to be proceeding calmly. Dr. Im was talking comfortably to Yongguk, and the assisting nurses were chatting quietly in the back but Youngjae couldn't focus.

He should be paying attention, that was the reason he was here but the panic in his throat was rising miserably and Youngjae truly thought that he would choke on it any minute. Not physically, but it sure did feel like somebody had punched him in the throat and Youngjae felt like looking anywhere but Yoona's deformed leg.

Trying to get his mind to focus, Youngjae closed his eyes for a second before letting his gaze trail along the room and up to the large glass window which divided the operating room and the seating area which was one floor above.

Youngjae had not expected to meet eyes with anyone, even less with Doctor Jung standing to the right in front of the window. It would have been ordinary if the older man would have averted his eyes a second later, but he didn't.

Youngjae's hands clutched onto the tray with surgical instruments, his mouth went dry but he didn't dare to look away.

The doctor's eyes were without emotion, cold in some way, yet Youngjae couldn't help but see kindness in them. Foolish, was the first word that came to his mind. Youngjae was truly foolish. How easy it was for him to bend and break under a single glance.

And the moment seemed to last forever, the only thought on Youngjae's mind was why the other man was not looking away. Doctor Jung's lips twitched upwards for the glimpse of a second and Youngjae snapped out of his little trance, it probably only had been 30 seconds but it had felt like minutes, hours. Youngjae shifted his attention back to the surgery right in front of him.

Despite him trying to pay attention again, Youngjae was far off from thinking about orthology. Sharp, piercing eyes with a hint of warmth behind a well-built facade were etched into his mind. Warm like a spoon of honey in a cup of tea during winter. Warm like someone paying attention to what you have to say after a long day at work. Youngjae's guts stirred.

He didn't want to think about it like that. Like falling for somebody without being able to stop, and rejecting love the second he got a grasp on it. It was ridiculous and he knew it, yet that was how it always turned out to be. Youngjae turning down a guy who was genuinely interested in him and he started to wonder how many healthy relationships he had avoided since college began. Of course, there hadn't been an absurd amount of people who had confessed to having a crush on him, but Youngjae honestly believed that he just kept on rejecting the simple idea of love because he hoped that there was something more behind the word. A love so strong that it would tear you apart.

That was what he wanted but never got close to and it was his fault. It had always seemed like the right choice but after some years it only hurt.

"Youngjae!"

Junhong walked into the break room where Youngjae had settled down after he had left the surgery, the drilling of electric saws still droning on in his head. Youngjae's head was ringing after every major surgery. Walking into the hospital's hallways after having been stuck in the OR for so long, with its harsh lights and sterile air, made Youngjae dizzy. Vile thoughts piled up in his mind, clouding his consciousness with doubt.

"You spaced out at one point during surgery, I thought you were gonna faint."

Junhong was all nice and fun and his usual self and Youngjae felt as if he could breathe a little better after the younger one’s words filled the break room.

“Nerves. It was my first time standing by during ortho, I think that messed with me a little bit,” Youngjae said without looking Junhong in the eyes. There was something revealing about them sometimes. Youngjae felt whenever Junhong would look for too long at him.

“I figured. How was it though? You have to tell, you snatched that spot from me,” Junhong asked, ripping his little jelly drink open before he relaxed back into the sofa cushions.

“Really loud, but Dr. Im totally lives up to his reputation. Whatever he did in there was insane. The femoral shaft was practically splintered into tiny pieces, a full-on open spiral fracture and he somehow got it all mend up in the end.”

“God, that sounds brutal. I wish I’d been there.”

Junhong hummed, slurping his drink from the small, oval plastic bottle. It was silent otherwise, and Youngjae tried to recall Dr. Im’s confident hand movements and his face, his lips twisted into a content smile as if he was fixing his child’s bike instead of a woman’s leg which had been crushed by one.

Junhong’s slurping noises came to an end as he abruptly sat up straight, turning to Youngjae with an expecting look on his face.

“By the way, a guy from pathology asked me for your name after I came back up from the ER to get some data about the coughing guy from earlier today,” Junhong said with a pout on his lips, “I thought pathology was after your ER week and we’d do it together.”

Youngjae had only seen one pathology guy who had been in the gallery during the surgery, but it almost couldn’t be. There was no reason for someone in his fellowship