Jooheon felt like a coward, probably because he was one. When they fought, he didn’t go after Changkyun, he didn’t talk to the boy and apologize when he returned and now, he didn’t go check on him. Because he was scared. He was alone in the dorm with the youngest member, just the two of them. There was no back-up, no one to interfere if things got out of hand again.

 

Normally, it was him who had to be kept in check. He knew that, it wasn’t something new really. He always had a temper. Quick to get angry and quick to forgive, just like that.

 

Their maknae was the other way around, he realized. Getting him angry, like really furious, didn’t happen once until their fight. Hyungwon actually told him that the younger rapper was forgiving, but it would take a while. But how long is a while? For him, it felt like forever. The DJ also insisted that Jooheon should go and talk to him.

 

But he couldn’t. Literally, that is. The other one just ignored him or walked straight out of the room the minute the red-haired rapper opened his mouth to talk to him. This morning, Changkyun came out of the kitchen and almost bumped into the older rapper. Jooheon, seeing an opportunity, greeted him softly or at least tried to, but the silver-haired rapper just turned around and disappeared again. The others noticed as well but didn’t say anything. Nobody could really blame the maknae for being like this.

 

And now they were alone. Jooheon felt betrayed by the other members. He was convinced it was Minhyuk’s idea to leave the dorm, using all kinds of excuses to make it believable. It always was. And the worst part of it all was that they forced him to go talk to the maknae and treat his feet. How was he going to manage that if Changkyun couldn’t stand being in the same room as he was? The younger man hadn’t left his room in the passing hour or so. He didn’t want nor dare to go to him. But he had to. He just had to find the courage to get up and go to the maknaes room.

 

So that’s what he did, not allowing himself to stop and think about it, until he was in front of the silver-haired rapper’s door. He should knock, he really should. On the other hand, the maknae would know it was him right now since the rest of the members weren’t home. Okay, no knocking, bad idea.

 

He sighed, willing all his nerves away and pushed the door open. When he looked inside, the room was empty. Changkyun wasn’t there. The lights were on however and Jooheon could hear the soft sound of streaming water coming from the bathroom next door.

 

‘Great timing.’ Jooheon thought. The silver-haired boy needed to replace his bandages right after showering and it gave him some time to think about how to handle a pissed-off maknae.

 

When he looked around the room, something caught his eye. On top of the side table, next to the bed, was some sort of a booklet. And Jooheon recognized it as Changkyung’s photo diary. It was a gift they all got from their managers, along with a pocket-sized polaroid camera. Jooheon’s had been filled with pics of the members, friends and family. Every page could hold four photos and had a place beneath the holders to write stuff, protected by a clear plastic foil. He mostly wrote down the date. Jooheon snickered a bit when he remembered Changkyun telling him that it was stupid, since the member’s hairstyle and -color could be used as a timeline. It was true. Even more, Jooheon had the tendency to take a picture every time someone changed their hair color. ‘Silver looks good on him.’ Jooheon caught himself thinking. It was the last pic he had taken, and it made him wonder what Changkyun’s last photo was as he picked the booklet up and opened it. He knew he shouldn’t, since it was meant to be like a real diary. But he couldn’t stop himself.

 

Unsurprisingly, it looked a lot like his collection. Friends and family. Until he arrived at pics of nice-looking locations and scenery. Apparently, the other member didn’t order it chronologically, but based on content. ‘Must be a hassle to reorganize every time.’ After that came the Monsta X collection. Pics of members together or individually.  Minhyuk singing karaoke with an additional text that says ‘Oh god the noise’, Hyungwon sleeping, Wonho training and a photo of Kihyun and Hyunwoo backs, holding each other’s hand that says ‘Could it be ♥?’ in English.

 

The rest of the members always assumed there was something going on with the two of them, but no one knew for sure. They made it into a game to get some proof. And Changkyun had some sort of proof, also no surprise. The youngest could be sneaky when he wanted to be.

 

What did surprise him was the last category in the diary. It was either a picture of himself alone or with the maknae. Furthermore, this category had more photos than the previous one. At this point, the protective foil wasn’t as clear as it should be. It was slightly crumpled and with the reflection of light, Jooheon could see that it was caused by some sort of dried up liquid, water perhaps. He noticed that the entire category had the same issue with the foil as he browsed the rest of the dairy. When he arrived at the last page, Jooheon’s heart skip a few beats.

 

One of the backstage videos they recorded at Kcon in Thailand featured the both of them fooling around, with him almost fake kissing the maknae and Changkyun overreacting, blushing and slapping him. Fanservice at his best, something that made sure Jooheon could touch him without suspicion and keep him up at night as well. Both blessing and a curse.

 

And apparently, someone took a picture right after Jooheon closed in on the younger member and right before Changkyun’s screaming. It took a couple of seconds for the red-haired rapper’s heart to start beating normal again. But when he looked at the text beneath, his heart stopped beating all together. ‘♥♥♥♥♥’ it said.

 

A million thoughts raced through his head at once. What did this mean? He didn’t get the change to think about it too much, however, when a deep, rough voice behind him made his heart go from zero to a hundred in a second.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?” , in all his curiosity, Jooheon failed to notice the sound of water streaming ending. When he turned around, he was greeted with an upset looking Changkyun looking at him and the diary, fresh out of the shower and dressed in a black hoodie and baggy pants. The shade of his hair made him look even more upset as he stretched out his hand towards the red-haired rapper and snatched the diary out of his hands. Luckily for Jooheon, he closed it right before he turned around. Otherwise the other would know what he was looking at.

“This is personal. Don’t go through my stuff.” The other one said in a low voice. He turned around, away from Jooheon.

“Why are you here?” He spoke, almost whispered. Almost like he isn’t used to talk.

 

“Sorry about that. Just curious.” Jooheon answered, slightly stunned as the other talked to him directly. It’s the most Jooheon heard him say to him for the last few days.

“I’m here to clean and bandage your feet.” The other one put the diary on a shelf as he walked towards the bed, still turned away from his hyung.

“Minhyuk hyung told me you hate the disinfectant and-“ He tried to explain, but he got cut off by the maknae, facing him again but not looking at the older rapper.

 

“Right, he put you up to this.” The other stated in a hostile way, head shaking left and right in disbelieve. Jooheon could see where this conversation was going.

 

“That’s not true. I’m worried as well and that’s why I’m here.” The older rapper tried to explain.

 

“Huh.” Changkyun huffed, followed by a silence.

“Go away.” He said after a few seconds.

 

“No, I won’t. I need to take care of your feet.” Jooheon tried again, voice a bit louder as to sound surer of himself.

 

“I can do that on my own. I don’t need your help. Go. Away!” The maknae demanded, voice deepened to warn the other to stop and leave. Changkyun turned around again and started walking towards the bed once more, conversation over. But Jooheon didn’t stop because he was stubborn that way and frankly done with this. He walked over to the maknae and grabbed the other’s wrist and pulled it slightly to stop him from walking away.

 

“No, I need to do it. It’s my duty as your hyung and friend to-“ He didn’t get the chance to say anything else as a fist connected with his jaw. He stumbled back and looked up in confusion. The silver-haired rapper had balled fists and a clenched jaw. He didn’t think the other would be angry enough to hit him.

 

“ you.” Changkyun hissed.        

 

“Changkyun-ah.” He tried, but the other interrupted him again.

 

“No. . You.” The other boy sneered and tried to hit him again, but this time, Jooheon saw it coming and pushed the other one away before he could. Unfortunately, the maknae wasn’t as stable with his feet wounded like that and fell on the bed. The red-haired rapper tried to catch him but lost his balance as well and landed on top of the other. Changkyun, misreading the situation, started fighting again. Luckily enough Jooheon was heavier, and apparently also stronger, than the younger rapper and managed to stop the maknae from struggling by pinning both his hands above his head.

“Stop!” He commanded. To his surprise, it actually worked. The younger boy stopped trying to fight and stared at him with wide eyes. Jooheon could swear he saw a hint of fear in those eyes as well. He realized he needed to calm down, get his temper in check. He needed the maknae to see he really was worried and sorry for all the pain he had caused him.

 

“Let me go.” The other whispered with a hiss.

 

“No.” he replied, making sure he didn’t sound treating, just confident.

“If I let you go, you’ll either try to hit me again or run away and can’t have that. Not anymore. I have something to say that you really need to hear.” Jooheon tried to explain in a calm voice.

 

“.” The maknae gritted his teeth and struggled again.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I am an .” Jooheon agreed. Changkyun clearly didn’t see that coming and stared at him as he stopped fighting.

“And I’m also at keeping my anger in check and thus getting angry at people while I’m actually angry at myself. I’m at talking to people about my emotions.” The red-haired rapper paused for a second.

 

“I’m the that took it all out on his best friend who deserved praise for his work instead of yelling. But I, as a hyung, couldn’t deal with the shame. Because I should be the one to ace everything and help a dongsaeng out, not the other way around and became an that hurt his friend in the process, in more than one way. And now, this crappy person needs to sit on that friend because otherwise he won’t listen anymore and leaves, and I can’t blame him.” Jooheon paused again, tried to catch his breath, closed his eyes and gathered all his courage. He needed to be honest with both himself and the maknae.

“I’m the idiot that even now isn’t telling the whole truth, because he doesn’t dare to admit that he has feelings for his best friend.”

 

By now, Jooheon released both Changkyun’s hands since he wasn’t struggling anymore. He said it. He actually said it. When he opened his eyes a few moments later, he could see the other boy’s chest heaving and angry tears streaming down his face. Not really the reaction he was expecting.

 

“Y-you bastard.” The silver-haired man whimpered.

“You s-saw the photo, didn’t you? How c-could you? Isn’t it e-enough already? You can’t just p-play with my feelings like t-that hoping it would f-fix everything.” The maknae stammered. Jooheon understood what he meant.

 

“Changkyung-ah, I’m not.” He smiled sadly, hoping to convince the maknae.

“The picture just gave me enough courage to tell you the entire truth. My lyrics were that day and yours were better. Sure, I was stressed and afraid we’d get scolded. But mostly, I was convinced that my feelings were one sided and I would lose your friendship if you didn’t think of me as a hyung who inspires, and I couldn’t handle that. That’s why I acted like that, pushing you away. Because I’m the idiot that thought that would work.”

 

“You jerk.” The other boy whispered, no longer angry, just sad.

 

“I am a jerk and I’m so, so sorry for all the things I said and didn’t mean.” He agreed again and cupped the other boy’s cheek with his right hand as to calm him down. Willing himself not to cry as well.

“And I also realized after seeing that picture that I must’ve broken your heart as well thinking I’d hate you.”

 

“Y-you- made me believe that I didn’t, c-couldn’t-“ He stumbled over his words, crying as anxiety set in, not knowing what to say or do anymore.

“You w-were the f-first one to accept me, even wanted t-to be my f-friend, even t-tho you’re older. I-I only just recently n-noticed how I f-feel about y-you. A-and then y-you got a-angry a-and-“ But his voice broke from crying too hard and he hid his eyes behind his hands.

 

Jooheon let him for a while before taking his hands away from his face to swipe away the tears while caressing his cheeks. Changkyun looked up and straight into his eyes at the gesture, looking somewhat surprise and rather cute. It made the older rapper smile softly which made the younger one calm down.

 

“Better?” He asked after a couple of minutes, petting the other’s hair. By now, the maknae was only slightly hiccupping. Changkyun nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. But Jooheon shook his head.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, okay?” The younger man hesitated, but nodded moments after. They stayed like this, the older rapper petting the other’s hair, smiling softly while the other became more and more relaxed, until he was fumbling with the buttons of Jooheon’s shirt and shyly smiled back from time to time.

 

--

 

Neither had moved in half an hour or so. He was still sitting on the other’s hips, slightly leaning forward, keeping his weight off the other man, while the other just laid there, flat on his back. If someone happened to come in now… They were comfortable however, and in all honesty, he didn’t dare to move just yet. The younger rapper also didn’t seem to be in a haste to change. But he needed to know something.

 

“Changkyun-ah?” He started. The other one hummed in acknowledgement, not looking up.

“I really am very sorry, could you forgive me for my stupidity?”

 

“I already did, hyung.” Hyung… he had missed the word. The other rapper was the only one to call him that on a daily basis.

“I’m still wondering tho…” He whispered after a few minutes, still eyeing the button.

 

“About what?”

 

“Why you didn’t just tell me how you felt? Then this wouldn’t have happened.” The red-haired rapper nodded in response.

 

“I don’t know why…Probably for the same reason you didn’t either.” Jooheon answered quietly. It made the other stop playing with the button and look up, before looking away again. His cheeks had turned a bit pink and Jooheon just thought the maknae looked cute.

 

“Hyung. I-I-“ But the other put his finger against the other’s lips to shush him.

 

“Shhh, I have something to say first.” And he bended over so he could hug the younger rapper. He could feel him freeze underneath him but wasn’t pushed away. Which was already a win.

“You don’t have to say anything back or feel the same way, but I just need to say this: I love you, Im Changkyun.” He was surprised at himself that he did say it and that his voice didn’t falter. it felt good to finally tell the other the truth. The second surprise came when he felt arms around his back and the other hiding his face into his shoulder. Jooheon could make out an ‘I love you too’, but it was quite muffled by the fabric of his shirt.

“What was that?” he joked. Which made Changkyun pinch him his sides as he removed his face from Jooheon’s shoulder.

 

“You heard me. Now get up, you’re heavy.” Jooheon laughed out loud at that and he pushed himself up. But he halted midway when he saw the other one smiling as well beneath him, teeth showing, for the first time in days.

 

“God, you’re handsome when you smile, you know that?” It actually made the other stop smiling, but Jooheon didn’t mind it that much the moment the other started blushing instead. He could see the maknaes gears turning inside his head for a few seconds, before he grabbed the elder’s collar, dragged him back down and kissed him on the lips.

 

If someone told Jooheon that he was going to get kissed today, he’d tell them they were crazy, yet here he was. It was just a slight peck and when he kissed back, he could feel the other one reacting to it just a little. The kiss soon ended and Jooheon looked at Changkyun once more, smiling, clearly wanting to kiss him again. But then they both jumped as they heard the front door open suddenly and Minhyuk’s loud voice filling the dorm.

 

Great…

 

---

 

 

A/N: Wo, this was a hassle. The idea for the photo diary came to me when youtube decided to freeze. If you wonder what the photo kind of looks like:https://66.media.tumblr.com/2f6bf9bec4147f1c600a345742414fe6/tumblr_py3rtrQSim1r0myyso1_500.png 

Thank you all for reading, see you later!