c h a p t e r  f i v e ; 

Even if the sun will rise again

After the night is over

I already long for this moment

That I can’t hold onto

-

“We’ve sedated him, so he should be fine for the next few hours. He’s only semi-conscious, but try to keep as quiet as possible. We wouldn’t want to stress him out when he wakes up. We’ll come back to check on him in an hour’s time, but in case something arises, press the emergency button and the nurses will come to assist you.”

“Thanks, doctor.”

Leeteuk turned to the man sitting next to him on the chair beside the hospital bed. He draped his arm over his shoulder and sighed, hanging his head.

“He’ll be okay, right?” Donghae whispered. “He’ll be okay.”

“I’d like to think so.”

“I’m horrible. I wasn’t there for him. I was too busy harping on how much he hurt me to even think of going out of my way to find him.”

“Hae..”

“I was too busy planning the ing wedding to notice him slipping away from me. If I had just.. If I had just woken the up and gone looking for him, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out this way.”

Leeteuk shook his head. He pursed his lips and leaned back in his chair, resting his head against Donghae’s. This was the first time in all their years of knowing each other that Leeteuk had acted like this. Leeteuk was always the strong one, the formidable one, the one who protected and took care of others. At this moment, however, he felt so lousy and defeated that he was the one who needed warmth and protection.

“First, please don’t talk about your wedding like it’s something bad, like it wasn't worth your time. Second.. It’s my fault, Donghae. I should’ve told you what was happening from the moment I found out. You deserved to know.”

Donghae wiped his nose. “He made you promise. It’s not your fault. It isn’t his either.”

“It is. It is my fault. I thought I could do it alone, and I could, for a while.. But then.. Then..”

“I know, hyung. I know.”

“I can’t even bear to look at him, Hae.”

Donghae took a deep breath, throwing his face into his hands. “Neither can I.”

He stood up, walking over to the window, pressing his hands against the pane. He peered through the glass and watched as the canvas of the evening sky painted itself in streaks of yellow, orange and pink. Somewhere in the distance, the sun was setting, giving way to the arrival of another big star in the sky; the moon. He loved staring at the moon, and swore he could stare at it forever.

There were many reasons he loved the moon. It reminded him of the nights he’d spent lying awake on his bed with his hands behind his head, staring out the window. The world would’ve been swallowed into darkness if not for the moon, but thank god, there it was, illuminating his bedroom and shining down on his face. It brought him comfort. He didn’t feel so alone with the moon by his side. On top of that, the light reflecting off it made it glow from high up in the dark night’s sky. It was a metaphor to him, that no matter how bad things could be, no matter how dark life could get, there was always, always hope.

The moon reminded him of the dreams that had grown on him over the years. He used to be hellbent on becoming a football player. He played football all day and night, believing that he would someday do it professionally. He would’ve been right, of course, until he enrolled himself into a dance class. He loved dancing as much as he loved football, but his desire to become a football player preceded his desire to become a dancer by a long mile. He, at that moment, never thought much of dancing. It was a hobby. There was nothing else to it. He learnt it, did it, and loved it. He took part in small regional competitions and sometimes emerged victorious, earning some sort of award at least. He knew he was good at it, and he was proud of that. Being a dancer was his safety net; he figured that if for some reason, he wasn’t destined to become a player on the national team, he’d become a back-up dancer or something. It felt like the perfect plan then. There was a day, however, in which Donghae had arrived way too early at the studio for his class, and as he was changing into a comfortable outfit at the back of the room, his dance instructor had walked in on him and smiled. You have a really good voice, he’d said. Plus you can dance well too. I heard that there’s an entertainment label that’ll be holding auditions soon. Pretty prestigious, or so I’ve heard. Maybe you should give it a shot.

He was so glad he’d taken it into consideration, and that he was where he was now. Otherwise he wouldn’t have met the third reason he loved the moon.

Donghae turned around. He looked at Leeteuk sadly, noticing that the older man had his arms folded and was nodding off. He looked away, biting his lip. Every step he took felt solemn and heavy, but as soon as he’d reached the side of the hospital bed, the solemnity wore away, just for a little bit. He leaned over and threaded his fingers through the soft brown locks of the man lying in bed, whose body was calm and quiet, no longer writhing, half-hidden by a pastel blue blanket. He raised his other hand and began to caress the man’s soft, warm cheek and not before long, he felt the first tear trail down his cheek, dripping onto the man’s forehead. Donghae looked out the window; the warm colours of the sky were now fading to a deep blue, and the sun had begun to descend beyond sight. The moon wasn’t visible yet, but it didn’t matter. Not at all, because there in front of him, lying in the hospital bed, was Hyukjae.

My moon.

Donghae took a step back and dragged a chair over, setting it as closely as possible next to the bed. He sat down and reached out for the hand hanging off the side of the bed, holding it gently like it was the most fragile thing on earth. He frowned. Hyukjae’s palms were freezing cold, so his first instinct was to bring it up to his face and rub it against his cheek, just to warm it up. This was something Donghae had always done; nuzzling and snuggling up to Hyukjae for warmth. Sometimes Hyukjae loved it, other times he hated it. What are you doing? Hyukjae would ask, bemused. You’re not a cat, Hae. And every single time Donghae would ignore him and carry on, regardless of how Hyukjae reacted. It was one of his ways of showing physical affection, and he knew it was something Hyukjae had learnt to accept and love over the years, even though he was never really a very physically affectionate person himself.

Donghae began to plant kisses on the back of Hyukjae’s hand in between his nuzzling. For a brief moment, everything in the world felt right again. It was as if Donghae was sitting next to a sleeping Hyukjae at the dormitory back when they were younger, kissing and rubbing his hand against his cheek for attention, basically begging Hyukjae to wake up and play with him. Hyukjae would stir in his sleep and groan upon realising it was Donghae that had woken him up, and Donghae would giggle. Go away, Donghae, Hyukjae would grumble, tugging his hand away lazily. Donghae would sulk and climb into the bed instead, hugging his best friend, sniffing his hair like the child he was, and Hyukjae wouldn’t fight back. He’d look annoyed on the outside for sure, but Donghae knew he secretly loved it. He’d catch Hyukjae smiling, drifting back to sleep.

That was why he made sure to shower his best friend with love and warmth as much as he could in the last eighteen years of their friendship. And that’s why at this very moment, he wanted to keep the tradition. He always would.

Donghae was tempted to climb into the bed to hug his best friend, to press his back against his chest, but he knew he couldn’t; the bed was much too small, and besides, he didn’t want to wake him up. He settled with getting off his chair, bending over the rails and showering Hyukjae’s cheek with light, fervernt kisses. He rubbed Hyukjae’s forehead lovingly, pausing with his nose pressed against his cheek.

“Hi, Hyukjae.” He greeted softly, smiling against that warm cheek of Hyukjae’s. “Didn’t think you’d find your best friend smothering you with kisses on your cheekies like old times again, did you?”

Donghae continued to kiss his best friend’s cheek, smiling, grinning, frowning.. His eyes were watering again.

“I guess I’m gonna have to split my kisses between my wife and you, huh.”

Tears streamed down his face. He couldn’t help it. He was trying his absolute best to stay strong, but god, he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand seeing Hyukjae like this. He couldn’t stand not being able to do anything about it. Why couldn’t he do anything about it?

“Y’know, I’d really, really like to see you and your dumb gummy smile right now. Could you do it for me?”

He began to kiss his forehead instead.

“Please?”

Donghae cupped his face and stared at his gentle, peaceful expression. Hyukjae was sleeping. He was just sleeping. Yes, that’s right.. Hyukjae was just resting. Donghae looked around warily; Leeteuk was asleep, and there were no doctors or nurses in the room or passing by in the hallway. He pushed Hyukjae’s oxygen mask aside, smiling sadly. He began to caress Hyukjae’s cheeks with his thumbs, and then he closed in on Hyukjae, closer.. closer..

He kissed him. He kissed slowly, losing himself in the sensation of Hyukjae’s lips against his. Hyukjae’s lips were plump and very, very soft. They were warm too, and Donghae could feel himself melt against them. He didn’t move his lips at all; of course not. This was a friendly kiss, from one best friend to another, from one heart to another.. There were no other intentions behind this kiss. And as Donghae stared at Hyukjae’s closed eyes, he began to whimper. He grimaced, crying, hot tears dripping from his eyes onto Hyukjae’s cheeks. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare. He wanted to take Hyukjae along with him.

“Wake up, Hyuk.” Donghae mumbled against his best friend’s lips. “You have to wake up, understand? Remember what we said to each other all those years back? I’ll never leave you, so you better not leave me.. I’m not done being a brat to you.. I’m not done being your best friend.. I never will be.”

Donghae closed his eyes and cried his heart out. He tried to swallow the sounds of his wailing because he didn’t want to wake neither Leeteuk nor Hyukjae up, but they came out in harsh gasps and hitched breaths. Donghae dug his fingers into the collar of his best friend’s dress shirt, creasing the fabric as he tugged lightly. To say he was heartbroken was a severe understatement. He was beyond heartbroken, and he wasn’t sure if anything could fix him. Deep down, he knew that even if Hyukjae were to wake up, he’d have to leave again soon. He buried his nose into the dip of Hyukjae’s shoulder and wept his heart out. It was so cruel. Everything felt so cruel. Life was so cru—

“What are you doing?”

Donghae’s eyes widened. He pulled back.

“Oh my ing god, Lee Hyukjae!” He cried out, peppering the man’s cheeks and forehead with kisses again. “Stop what you’re doing, Lee Hyukjae! Stop going in and out of consciousness, god damnit! Do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you have any—”

“Hae. Hae, stop. I—” Hyukjae began to wheeze, coughing out blood again.. “Hae..”

Donghae couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. He couldn’t be bothered to. He rubbed Hyukjae’s chest as he coughed his lungs out, jerking against the bed. It really killed Donghae to see this, but he couldn’t do anything but to watch over him.

“I’m tired.. I’m so tired..”

Hyukjae continued to cough blood, grappling for the bedrails, Donghae’s arms, anything. His eyes began to roll up again and his lips began to quiver, his teeth chattering and biting his lower lip. Not long after, his body began to curl up as he coughed even more blood. Then it started again.

The bed began to shake as Hyukjae shook violently, writhing like he’d been lit on fire. Donghae panicked, fumbling around for the emergency button. He couldn’t find it.

“Hyung!” Donghae yelled. “Hyung, help!”

Leeteuk yawned, opening his eyes, wide. He lunged towards the bed and reached for the emergency button, jabbing at it frantically.

“ !” He cursed, glancing between the button and door, praying hard that the nurses would come quick. “Hurry up, hurry up!”

Three nurses burst through the door, rushing towards them. Hyukjae’s heart monitor was beeping rapidly as he convulsed on the bed, eyelids fluttering, limbs flailing about. One of the nurses retrieved a syringe and filled it with some sort of sedative, instructing the other two nurses to hold Hyukjae down. She pricked the surface of Hyukjae’s inner elbow with the needle and pushed the rest of it all the way in, pressing the plunger flange until the syringe was completely emptied out. Hyukjae continued to writhe for a little while longer before his movements slowed down, coming to a halt. He to his side and panted, coughing blood onto the pillow.

One of the nurses readjusted Hyukjae’s oxygen mask. “The first sedative might have worn off faster than expected, so I’ve administered another dose of it. This should calm him down for now, but in case it wears off quickly again, don’t hesitate to press the emergency button. While waiting for the nurses to arrive, it would help if you hold him down by the arms so he doesn’t risk hurting himself while convulsing. If—”

“Don’t you have restraints for that?” Leeteuk asked, anxious and perplexed.

The three nurses exchanged glances. He was right; they did, and they were only just realising this. Leeteuk could see how they trembled and bit their lips, probably worried that he’d complain about them to whoever their superiors were. He waited.

“Y-yes, we do. Allow my colleagues to help with the restraints—”

“No, don’t!” Donghae cried out suddenly. “Don’t restrain him!”

Everyone stared at him like he’d lost it. Leeteuk frowned.

“Donghae, they have to do it. It’s for Hyukjae’s own good. Otherwise he might hurt himself. Please let them strap him down so he—”

“He’s not a ing animal, hyung! They don’t have to do it!” Donghae glared at the three nurses. “Leave the room. Now.”

The nurses bowed and quietly made their way out the door. Leeteuk watched as Donghae Hyukjae’s cheek, crying softly. His other hand was gripping the bed rail till his knuckles turned white, shoulders shaking in time with his sobbing.

“Why did you do that, Hae?”

Donghae swiped the back of his hand across his face, gasping for air. He was about to have a panic attack. “I.. They.. He..”

“Calm down, Hae. Calm down.” Leeteuk murmured. “It’s okay.”

“I.. Hug. Can’t..” Donghae’s chest was heaving heavily. He retracted his hand from Hyukjae’s cheek and began to twist the fabric covering his chest, crying hysterically as he banged his fist against the bed rail out of frustration. It wouldn’t be a surprise if his knuckles would’ve bruised. Leeteuk watched him for several seconds, but his patience was wearing thin. He caught Donghae by the wrist and yanked him b