c h a p t e r  t h r e e ; 

Darkness, why are you

Erasing everything to black?

I can’t see anything

Making me dream about the eternal future by myself

-

“I’ve decided,” Donghae started, frowning as he stared at his writing, “to omit this part. It’s rubbish. Oh, and this bit too. I sound like I’m reciting a student’s creed. Hyung, I’m terrible at this. Can you help me vet this?”

Heechul looked up from his phone, smiling weakly. “Sure. Just give me a sec.” He began typing something into his phone, piquing Donghae’s curiosity. Heechul quickly hid his phone in his pocket, clicking his tongue at a very nosy Donghae.

“You’ve been acting weird all morning,” Donghae muttered. “You keep sulking at your phone and looking worriedly at the door. What’s wrong, hyung? Is there anything you wanna tell me?”

Heechul tugged the corners of his lips up into a fake smile. “There’s nothing to worry about, Hae! Nothing at all! Although, I do have a surprise for you.”

Donghae’s face lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “Really? What is it?”

“Wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?”

Sinking his shoulders, Donghae frowned sadly, praying his puppy-eyed pout would convince Heechul to let the cat out of the bag. He loved surprises and he couldn’t care less about having them spoilt.

“Not gonna work this time, Donghae.”

Donghae went back to rewriting his vows, editing it here and there whilst sulking. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw as Heechul continued to peek at his phone, worried. Donghae sensed something wrong, but he decided against asking. Heechul would tell him if he wanted to. He tried his best to focus on his writing, biting the tip of his pen every now and then as he squeezed his brain dry of ideas. He couldn’t really focus though. He was too distracted by the older man’s odd behaviour. Heechul sent one last text message before planting his phone face down on the table, fluttering his eyes as he let out an exasperated sigh.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Donghae stared at Heechul in confusion; to his knowledge, they were the only ones at the bridal shop at the moment since it was closed, apart from the wedding planner who was sitting in the next room. There were two doors to the room they were in, and Donghae was sure the wedding planner would’ve knocked on the door adjacent to her office if she wanted to look for them. He watched as Heechul stood up and walked towards the other door, pressing his back against it.

“Your surprise is here,” he said softly, smiling. “Are you ready?”

A million thoughts flashed through Donghae’s mind like a movie reel. Could it be that Heechul had ordered something to be delivered to him? Was it his fiance, maybe in a beautiful evening gown? Was it?

Donghae grinned. “More than ever.”

Heechul took a big breath, turning around. He placed his hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly, pausing as he heard the sound of Donghae’s chair being pushed backwards. Donghae was standing now, palms resting on the surface of the table as he leaned forward excitedly. Heechul’s heart raced; he wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Sure, Donghae was mostly a gentle, playful man with a heart as wide as the East Sea (probably even bigger), but that didn’t mean he’d react well to the surprise. What if he lashed out? Heechul gritted his teeth and turned the doorknob the rest of the way before pulling the door open.

“Hyukjae?”

Heechul turned around, observing Donghae’s reaction carefully. Donghae’s expression was an odd mix of sadness and relief, but thankfully, there was no anger detected. Or at least he thought.

Donghae stepped forward gingerly, frowning. “Hyuk-j-jae.. Is it really you?”

Hyukjae stepped into the room clad in a long blue sweater and black jeans with a scarf wrapped around his neck, pursing his lips as he moved towards his best friend gingerly. He kept mum, glancing at Leeteuk occasionally for encouragement. The leader had tailed him, closing the door behind them.

“Lee Hyukjae,” Donghae called out. His nose had reddened. “Tell me it’s really you.”

Hyukjae smiled faintly, halting right in front of Donghae. “It’s me.”

Donghae’s expression softened, but only for a moment. The gentle smile on his lips turned corners, fading, gradually turning into a frown. Donghae began to breathe heavily, creasing his forehead. Judging by the way his jaw moved, it was obvious that he was gnashing his teeth. His eyes were wide and blown, glaring straight through Hyukjae’s soul. Within seconds, his face contorted into a look of contempt.

“ you, Lee Hyukjae.”

Heechul and Leeteuk exchanged horrified glances. Hyukjae was taken aback. He took one step behind, flailing his arms frantically, trying to reach for something to hold. Heechul and Leeteuk were about to intervene, worried that Donghae would assault Hyukjae in a fit of anger as his face grew darker. Donghae clenched his fists, moving towards Hyukjae slowly, backing him up against the door. Donghae pulled his fist back, shoulders rising and falling fast, matching the heaviness of his breathing. His body was rigid and tense, which somehow only fueled his anger even more. Nobody expected what was coming next. Donghae, sweet, gentle Lee Donghae, grabbed Hyukjae by the collar and pulled his fist back. Hyukjae tilted his head, pressing it against the door. He was whimpering and on the verge of tears—his best friend, his own best friend of eighteen years, was about to hit him and he couldn’t even fight back. He was too weak. He had no choice but to let him. It was only fair; he was the one who’d abandoned Donghae after all. Neither Heechul nor Leeteuk tried to intervene. They stood aside nervously, praying that the Donghae they knew would come to his senses. The Donghae they knew would never hurt Hyukjae.

Or would he?

Donghae closed his eyes and groaned through his teeth, close to punching his best friend in the face. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins, charging every part of his body to follow through what he’d planned to do next. He pulled his fist back even further, almost screaming when suddenly his shoulders fell. He dropped his fist, shaking uncontrollably as he pulled Hyukjae into his arms and began to whimper into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Hyukjae’s scrawny torso and breathed in his scent; a scent he’d missed so badly in the past year that he had gone missing.

“I thought I lost you, you ing !” Donghae cried, almost growling—a mix of both anger and sadness, pressing his face against the side of Hyukjae’s neck. “I thought you’d never come back! I thought I’d done something wrong and you didn’t want to forgive me! , Hyukjae, why did you do this? Where the hell did you go?”

Hyukjae raised his arms and wrapped them around Donghae, patting his back awkwardly. His body kind of hurt. Donghae was hugging him way too tightly, not that he knew that. He was suffocating, both literally and figuratively, but he didn’t say a word.

“Say something, Hyukjae!” Donghae cried out. He let go of Hyukjae’s torso and pulled back, sniffling and cupping Hyukjae’s face to take a good look at him. Donghae gasped. His eyes widened in shock. He didn’t like what he saw at all. “Oh my god, Hyukjae. What happened to you?”

Donghae ghosted his fingers over Hyukjae’s features; he was no longer blonde—his hair faded to a dark shade of brown. He had dark eyebags and his cheekbones were protruding. His face was gaunt, and he looked way too thin to be healthy. His skin was pale, much too pale. Hyukjae had always been fair, yes, but right now he was so drained of colour some of his veins were visible. There was a fading purple bruise trailing along one half of his jawline too. Hyukjae was basically a ghost of his former self, or what Donghae remembered of him at least. Donghae took a step back and sized him up, grimacing.

“Please tell me what you’ve been up to in the past year, Hyukjae.” He pleaded.

Hyukjae shrugged. He forced a smile onto his face. “I had some matters to take care of.”

“What could possibly be so important that you haven’t been taking care of yourself?” Donghae asked, walking around Hyukjae to study him from every angle. He ignored the way Hyukjae had shifted uncomfortably under his stare. “Look at you. You disappear for a whole year and come back looking like this? You clearly haven’t been looking after yourself, god, Lee Hyukjae..”

“Don’t worry, Donghae. I’m fine, really.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Believe me, I am.” Hyukjae said softly, lowering his head. “Or do you want me to go missing again?”

Donghae grabbed him by the arms, wide-eyed and tensed. “Don’t. Don’t do that ever again. I’ll never forgive you if you do that ever again.”

Hyukjae nodded slowly, tilting his head to look at Leeteuk. Save me. Thankfully, Leeteuk caught the hint.

“I’m glad to see the two of you reunited,” he chipped in, grinning. “Tied at the hip, huh?”

Sensing the panic in Leeteuk’s strained voice, Heechul joined in. “Quit stating the obvious, hyung. It’s not like you only got to know them yesterday, ugh. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming urge to smack you for talking like a moron.”

Donghae relaxed and laughed at Heechul’s jab of words knowing fully well that Heechul was simply being his sharp-tongued self, and barely noticing the lackluster in Hyukjae’s soul. He pulled away and returned to his seat. Donghae picked up his pen, smiling as he continued to write on a piece of paper filled with messy words and scribbles. Hyukjae pulled out a chair across from Donghae and sat down.

“What are you doing?” He asked robotically.

Donghae looked up and smiled. “I’m writing out my vows. Wanna read them?”

Hyukjae tensed up, glancing at Leeteuk. Please help me. Leeteuk quickly took a seat next to him, resting his chin on palm. “Looks like you have a lot to say huh, Donghae. Can I read it?”

“Oh, sure hyung. Let Hyukjae read them after you’re done, okay? I’m gonna head to the bathroom for a while.” He turned to Hyukjae and squeezed his arm. “Thank you, Hyukjae, for coming back.”

Donghae left the room, oblivious to the pressure brewing around him, leaving the three of them stranded in complete silence. As soon as the door shut, Heechul quickly took a seat, rubbing a hand against Hyukjae’s shoulder.

“You okay?” He asked, concerned. “How are you feeling?”

“I can’t do it, hyung.” Hyukjae admitted softly, rubbing his eyes. “I feel like I’m about to break.”

Leeteuk scanned his eyes across the table. He knew that if it had been him in Hyukjae’s position, he’d have been extremely devastated. Maybe depressed even. He wasn't in his position, no, but even from a third person point-of-view, it looked like living felt like hell for Hyukjae. He felt proud of Hyukjae for holding out for this long, yes, but he wasn’t sure how much more Hyukjae could take. The papers sprawled across the table definitely didn’t help.

“Just a little bit more, Hyukjae. You have us. We’ll be here for you if anything happens.”

There was a tentative pause. Both Leeteuk and Heechul were looking at the Hyukjae nervously. They knew he was about to say something, probably something sensitive and sad, but they didn’t know what. He’d probably repeat that he couldn’t do it, or that he was tired, maybe even sick of everything. Still, neither of the older men wanted to speculate or make any assumptions, and so they waited for Hyukjae to break the deafening silence. They weren’t sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn’t this.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae opened up after what felt like eons. Heechul and Leeteuk looked at him attentively with knit brows. They could barely disguise the apprehension on their faces.

“When I die, can you promise to send me off quietly?”

The atmosphere had gone from tense to completely heart wrenching. Neither of them knew what to say to Hyukjae, but before they could even think of what to reply, Hyukjae continued,

“And if it happens after Donghae is married, can you promise not to tell him?”

Heechul was quick to respond. “No, Hyukjae. We can’t. I’m sorry, but Donghae deserves to know. You’ve already disappeared on him once and it broke him. Death.. It’s just.. Donghae deserves to know, okay?”

“I just don’t want him to feel bad.”

“We know,” Leeteuk uttered sadly. “But you can’t expect us to hide your passing from anyone; not your family, not the members, and especially not Donghae. Hyukjae, we love you. We all do.. I can’t believe I’m discussing this with you.  I can’t believe I have to talk to my little brother, someone I love so much, about what to do when he dies. I don’t want to believe—”

Heechul nudged him. “Keep calm, hyung. Donghae might walk right in any minute now.”

The three of them glanced at the door, but they heard nothing. No footsteps, no turning of the knob, nothing. Hyukjae decided it was safe to speak.

“Can you… Can you make sure Donghae never finds out that I’m ill then? I don’t want him to know. I really, really don’t want him to know.”

“He’s already seen the condition you’re in, Hyukjae. I’m sure he gets the gist of it. You barely resemble the way you looked before you left,” Heechul reminded.

Hyukjae refused to give up the fight. He placed his hand on the table and began to trail his fingers across it, ghosting them over the papers that Donghae had been writing on before he went to the bathroom. He hated admitting how whatever was written on those pieces of paper shattered his heart to smithereens, reducing him to a small, self-loathing shadow of a man who was once healthy, happy and free. That man was gone. There was no doubt in that.

“But he doesn’t know what I’m suffering from,” Hyukjae said sadly, looking up. His eyes were glassy, nearing its peak and threatening to spill, but Hyukjae squeezed his eyes shut to make sure that never happened. “Please don’t tell him.”

Leeteuk sighed. He was still fully in disbelief, never being able to accept that this was Hyukjae they were talking about. The once merry, lovable man was now fragile and sick, and there was almost nothing they could do about it. Surely respecting Hyukjae’s decision was one of the few things they could do for him. He looked at Heechul.

“We’ll try our best,” Heechul mumbled. “We don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep things from him though. Now that you’re back, I’m almost certain he’d want to spend the rest of his days leading up to the wedding with you, considering he could never shut the up about you. You mean a lot to him, Hyukjae. I’ll never really understand it, but I can’t deny it. No one can. Donghae has been so defensive of you, y’know? Our gentle Donghae would’ve killed anyone who dared to spit on you. And anyway.. He’s very observant. You know that, don’t you? Every second you spend around him might give yourself away. We wouldn’t be able to do anything then.”

“Hyung, I’m so worried I’ll ruin everything for him. It’s only a matter of time before I drop dead—”

Leeteuk hissed. “Stop saying that.”

Hyukjae swallowed, correcting his words. “It’s only a matter of time before my body succumbs to the illness, hyung. I can feel myself getting progressively weaker every morning when I wake up. Teukie-hyung, I’m sure you can see it too. You’ve been with me for the past one year. I know you’ve seen how my condition deteriorated. It’s so obvious.”

“There’s hope, Hyukjae. There will always be hope. Please don’t give up.” Leeteuk begged.

Heechul was leaning forward, an elbow propped up on the table with his forehead pressed into his palm. He massaged his temples, desperate to get rid of the headache that had clawed its way through his brain.

“Do not,” he uttered, “for once, ever think that whatever is happening will ruin Donghae’s life. Donghae cares so much about you. He would never hold anything against you, and you know he wouldn’t be anything but worried if he knew you were ill. Stop thinking about the fact that you might ruin his day or whatever, Hyukjae.”

“But that’s the thing, hyung.” Hyukjae countered as he adjusted his scarf. He’d worn it to hide the bruises littering the pale skin of his neck. “I don’t want him to worry. I want him to be happy I’m back, glad I’ll be his best man and proud to be married, even if it kills me. That’s it. He doesn’t need to know I’m suffering. You can tell him whatever you want once I’m gone, but right now, I just want to live in the moment with him, so please.”

Leeteuk folded his arms, shaking his head. Would he ever accept that this was happening?

“There’s no guarantee that everything will work out the way we plan, Hyukjae. It’s not like planning any of this will change the way things will pan out.” He inhaled sharply, puffing his cheeks as he exhaled. “But I do respect your wishes. Heechul does too, don’t you Heechul?”

Heechul looked at both of them, sighing. “I guess I don’t have a choice.. Whatever the case, if something uncalled for happens, roll with it. Some things are just beyond our contro