c h a p t e r  f o u r ; 

Don’t know why, tell me why

Why does love end?

Why are things

That will disappear

So beautiful?

It’s just a daydream

Love is like a daydream

-

“How do I look?” Donghae asked, smoothing his blazer. Heechul began to pace around him, grinning. He stopped in front of Donghae and helped him adjust his bow tie. He clicked his tongue.

“Didn’t think you could be more handsome than you already were,” Heechul praised, smiling. “And yet here we are. Narae is one lucky lady.”

“Don’t say that,” Donghae laughed. “I’m the one who’s lucky. Never thought I’d have scored the perfect woman.”

Donghae stared at the mirror, eyeing himself from top to toe, adjusting his cufflinks. He had to admit, he did look good and he should, considering it was his wedding and that he was the groom. He wasn’t sure how everyone would react to seeing him. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt a little self-conscious thinking of how everyone would look at him. As if that wasn’t nerve-wrecking enough, the hotel room door opened, revealing a very exhausted Lee Hyukjae, followed closely behind by an equally as exhausted Leeteuk. Donghae glanced at Hyukjae; he was dressed in a deep maroon suit with a black tie, and his shoes were polished to the tee. His brown hair was styled in a textured quiff, and he appeared a little less pale than he had been weeks before. Make-up, Donghae presumed. His suit did an excellent job of hiding the bruised and battered body underneath.

“About time you got here, best man.” Heechul quipped. He held onto Hyukjae’s arm and ushered him into the room, prompting him to sit on the bed. Leeteuk followed him like a shadow, shooting Donghae a very brief, hostile glare before sitting down next to Hyukjae. Heechul reached for something on the dressing table and knelt in front of Hyukjae, twisting a stick of lipstick open.

“You look horrible, Hyukjae.” Heechul said as he rubbed his index finger against the tip of the lipstick. He began dabbing his finger against Hyukjae’s lips, tinting his discoloured lips pink. “Gotta make sure you look fresh. You’ll be standing next to Donghae on the altar after all.”
“I tried my best, okay?” Leeteuk said in exasperation. “I’m terrible at doing make-up. It’s not like I’m a stylist or something.” He turned to look at Hyukjae, squeezing his hand. “You sure you can do it?”

Hyukjae sighed, locking gazes with him. “I’m sure. I promised.”

“I mean, if you don’t think you can handle it, there’s always Hee—”

“Nope!” Heechul interrupted. “No way in hell. Donghae chose Hyukjae as his best man, so let him be. All he has to do is stand on the altar and give Donghae the rings when he asks for them. That’s it.”

Hyukjae nodded, smiling as he leaned onto Leeteuk’s shoulder. “I can do it.”

Donghae couldn’t lie to himself—the sight panning out in front of him made his heart hurt. He was seething with anger, well, slightly, and all he wanted to do was to split them apart and be the one Hyukjae warmed up to instead. He couldn’t believe he had to witness this and feel the jealousy flaming within his core on his wedding day. He tried his best not to let it affect him on his big day, but he was failing miserably. He turned back to the mirror, pressed a hand against his forehead and sighed. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint what he was feeling inside. Sure, he was hurt, a little angry and maybe jealous even, but there was something else he couldn’t quite describe. Donghae turned around and sat down by Hyukjae’s other side.

“Hyuk, you sure you wanna do this?” He asked, patting Hyukjae’s thigh. “I won’t hold it against you if you don’t, Hyuk. It’s just... It’s just that you look really unwell.”

Leeteuk and Heechul exchanged looks.

“Donghae’s right, Hyukjae.” Leeteuk agreed. “You don’t have to force yourself to do it if it’s beyond your capacity. You know that.”

“But I want to,” Hyukjae said softly, smiling. “Let me.”

Donghae frowned. “Can you even stand on your own?”

Hyukjae clicked his tongue and for the first time that afternoon, he turned his head to look at Donghae, gazing deep into his eyes. “Of course I can, Hae. I’m not a baby.”

Something about the way Hyukjae looked at him made Donghae uneasy. The usual glint in his eyes was gone, long gone, replaced by something cloudy, dark, sad even. He no longer looked at Donghae with glee or adoration. It was Donghae’s wedding day, and he had assumed his best friend would be elated for him, but Hyukjae was far from it. Not that Donghae blamed him, of course. Donghae continued to scrutinise his best friend’s features. Leeteuk had covered up Hyukjae’s eyebags with some concealer, but they were still slightly noticeable, considering how his under eyes appeared slightly grey. Hyukjae’s lips were extremely chapped, and judging by the way they had looked before Heechul had applied some lipstick on them, they were washed out, almost bluish. Donghae never thought he’d see his best friend in this condition the day he got married. He had always imagined Hyukjae to be hyper and merry, cracking jokes like the life of the party he was… But Donghae soon realised that that was the Hyukjae of the past. That Hyukjae was dead and gone. Donghae couldn’t understand why.

He tried not to think about it. It was his big day after all, and he didn’t want anything to rain on his parade.

“Heechul and I will be sitting at the first table to your left, Hyukjae.” Leeteuk said, touching his hand before pecking the top of Hyukjae’s head. “If you feel like you can’t hold out anymore, signal us. We’ll help you.”

Heechul excused himself to pick up a call, leaving the three of them in an awkward silence. Donghae continued to watch Hyukjae worriedly. He noticed how Hyukjae’s right fist was clenched, and how the fingers of his left hand dug into his thigh. He noticed how he had closed his eyes, leaning against Leeteuk’s shoulder. His lips were slightly parted, and shaky breaths escaped from in between them. He looked so, so ill, it broke Donghae’s heart. He was close to denying Hyukjae the right to be his best man because the man looked like he was about to crumble to ashes. Right at that moment, Donghae wasn’t sure which was better—to have Hyukjae fade from his life for the rest of eternity, or to have him come back in such a horrid state. He really looked like he was on the brink of death, and Donghae wished he could do something about it. He couldn’t help but to think of how Hyukjae smiled at him when they saw each other for the first time after an entire year apart. He couldn’t help but to think of how badly Hyukjae had cried in his arms when he went to the bridal shop for his fitting. He couldn’t help but to think of how Hyukjae literally relied on Leeteuk for support wherever they went. Donghae still had his doubts about his leader, but he decided to chuck those thoughts aside. All he cared about was Hyukjae.

Heechul rushed back into the room, quickly slipping his phone into his back pocket.

“Teukie-hyung,” Heechul called out. “We need to go. They’re ushering guests in. The rest of the members are waiting for us.”

Leeteuk took one last look at the man on his shoulder and gently pulled away.

“We’re leaving, Hyukjae. We’re going to the wedding hall. Remember, Hyukjae, if you can’t take it anymore, let Heechul and I know, okay? We’ll be sitting at the first table to your left. Remember that.”

“I know, hyung, I know. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Leeteuk stood up, whispering something into Heechul’s ear.

“See you later, alright?” Heechul said softly. “And Donghae, I know it’s your wedding, but… Take care of Hyukjae, okay? We’ll see both of you later.”

“Love you, Hyukjae. You too, Donghae.”

Heechul and Leeteuk took one last look at the two of them before leaving the room, shutting the door gently behind them. Donghae wasn’t fond of the silence that followed. He now noticed that he wasn’t very nervous about the wedding itself, not at all. What he was nervous about, however, was the possibility of Hyukjae collapsing. It wasn't such a far-fetched thought. Hyukjae was swaying, letting go of his thigh to steady himself. He pushed himself up, straightening his back before turning to Donghae, smiling weakly.

“Donghae,” he called out. He moved his hand across the sheets, searching for Donghae’s. As soon as he found it, he wrapped his fingers around Donghae’s hand and squeezed it.

“What is it, Hyukjae?”

Donghae watched nervously. He wasn’t sure how to act, because Hyukjae had begun to cry again. He wasn’t sobbing, no, but there were tears running down his face, staining his cheeks and washing off a bit of his foundation. For the first time in all the years that he’d known Hyukjae, Donghae couldn’t understand him. He couldn’t understand him at all. He didn’t know what was going through Hyukjae’s mind, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. As selfish as he was, he didn’t want to have to fret over him on the day of his wedding.

But he couldn’t help it.

“You know I love you, don’t you?”

Donghae froze. “I know. You know I love you too.”

“Good,” Hyukjae said, grinning. “I realised I’ve never said this to you.”

“.....said what?”

Hyukjae let go of Donghae’s hand. He reached his hand out, leaning towards the bedside table to grab a tissue, dabbing at his eyes. He laughed, grimacing for a fleeting second and then laughed again. Donghae didn’t know what to make of it. He’d seen that grimace and he wasn’t sure whether to bring it up at all. He counted the seconds until Hyukjae finally spoke again.

“Congratulations, Hae.” Hyukjae whispered, betrayed by a single tear rolling down his cheek. “I’m so happy for you.”

Hyukjae’s voice was shaking in spite of the words that had just left his lips. Donghae swallowed, adjusting his bow tie awkwardly. For some reason, he didn’t believe in what his best friend had just said. He tried to think of all the possible reasons Hyukjae would be acting this way. Was he mad? Was he sad? Was he upset that Donghae was getting married before him, that it meant leaving his best friend behind? Was that it? He tried to think of how—

“I know what you’re thinking,” Hyukjae said suddenly, interrupting his train of thought. “You’re wondering why I’m crying. You don’t believe I’m actually happy for you. You think I’m secretly bitter.”

“Hyukjae…”

“But I’m not.” Hyukjae explained, flashing his gummy smile; the one that had Donghae smitten with his best friend. “I really am happy for you, Donghae. I’ve known you for what, eighteen plus years? I grew up with you. I’ve seen you happy, sad, angry.. I was there when you got your heart broken multiple times, and I was there to help you patch it back up every single time. We laughed together, cried together.. We did everything together. I wish you knew how happy you’ve always made me and I can only hope I made you happy too.”

“Hyukjae, please don’t make me cry..”

“I’m sorry, Donghae. I have to say these things now. I should’ve done this sooner, I know, but now that we’re here, I have to let you know everything. You’ll be a married man after today, and as much as I’ll miss you, I know I have to let you go. I’m still sorry I left you for a whole year not knowing what happened between us. I hope you’ll forgive me, for everything. I hope you’ll forgive me for all the things I’ve done wrong to you, from the beginning of our friendship until now. I’ve done you wrong so many times, Donghae.”

Donghae massaged his temples, on the verge of tears. He puffed his cheeks and exhaled. “I’ve never held anything against you, Hyukjae.”

“I’m still sorry. If I could turn back time, I’d undo all the bad things I’ve ever done to you. I’d erase all of it—the anger.. the sadness.. the disappointment.. The fights that we should’ve never let happen in the first place.. How I treated you badly.. How I wasn’t there for you for an entire year.. I’d erase everything. But I can’t, so here I am, being your best man, hoping that by being by your side on your big day, you’ll forgive me. Set us free.”

“Set us free? This isn’t the end of our friendship, Hyukjae.” Donghae murmured, closing his eyes. “Please don’t speak as if it’s the end of our friendship. We’re thirty-six going on thirty-seven. We have so many years ahead of us.”

Hyukjae flinched. “I don’t think so.”

Just then, Hyukjae’s phone began to ring.

“Yes?”

“Hyukjae, it’s time to come down. Make sure you take the rings with you.”

“Sure, hyung.”

Hyukjae kept his phone in his pocket. He leaned towards the bedside table and picked up the red velvet ring box, opening it to check it. Sure enough, there were two silver wedding bands nestled in the cushion. Don’t you ing cry, he warned himself, clamping the box shut. He placed it in the pocket inside his blazer, took a deep breath and stood up, holding out his hand.

“Let’s go, Hae. It’s time.”

Donghae looked up. He stared at the hand held out in front of him, his lips.

The world stilled. Millions of thoughts raced through his mind, and he wasn’t sure which one to focus on. Donghae was Hyukjae’s, and Hyukjae was his. They met almost eighteen years ago within the walls of the SM building, exchanging numbers because they’d been two lonely rookies finding their place in the world. Neither of them had known then that they would’ve made it this far together. They survived everything life had thrown at them and more. No amount of fighting, shouting, crying or all three could tear them apart. They were inseparable, or at least Donghae thought. Hyukjae seemed to think otherwise. I know I have to let you go, he’d said.

Donghae had lost him for an entire year. Admittedly, he was hurt in the beginning, slightly angry even, but as always, he could never hold anything against Hyukjae. He was too precious to him. He could never stay mad at him, or forget him. Ever. He’d bring him up every chance he got, constantly talking about him so the memories of him would never fade. He wasn’t ready to leave his best friend in his past, and he doubted he ever would be. So when Hyukjae returned, he cried quietly in his room away from everyone, relieved. A part of him he thought he’d lost, came back to him, fitting itself snugly where it belonged. For a while, everything was alright again. That was until he realised that the Hyukjae who came back to him was nothing like the Hyukjae from before. Time and time again, he wondered what changed. All he could think of were the bruises he’d seen all over his best friend’s body. He was never given an explanation for them and was led to believe that maybe, just maybe, Hyukjae had gone through something traumatic in the one year that he’d been gone. That was what changed him, wasn’t it?

“Donghae. C’mon.”

Donghae couldn’t move. His mind was still in turmoil. He didn’t want to let the friendship go, not ever, but as reluctant as he was, he knew that Hyukjae had respected Donghae’s decision to get married, so he should respect Hyukjae’s decision to let go, no? He looked up at the man whose hand was still held out to him, waiting, shaking. Hyukjae’s eyes were glistening, and he couldn’t tell if it was because he truly was happy for him, or…

It was as if time stood still. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience. Donghae was staring at Hyukjae and himself with an emotion he couldn’t quite describe, an emotion he was sure he’d never felt before. He looked at Hyukjae’s face, taking in every line, every crease scratched into his skin. Sure, he was smiling on the outside, but who’s to know what he felt on the inside? Donghae wanted to know what he felt so badly, but he couldn’t, and he had to accept that. He didn’t, however, want to accept letting go of their friendship. Why did they have to let go?

“Donghae. Lee Donghae.”

“H-huh?”

“I called your name thrice. Are you okay?” Hyukjae asked, retracting his hand. “Getting cold feet?”

Donghae regained his senses and shook his head sheepishly, twitching his lip. “Of course not. Sorry, I just.. I was distracted.”

“It’s fine. We really have to go though,” Hyukjae said urgently, checking his watch. “Everybody’s waiting.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure.”

Hyukjae was about to take a step towards the door when Donghae grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him back.

“Donghae, what are you..”

“Hug.” Donghae said softly as he stood up, inching towards him. “I want a hug.”

Hyukjae stared at his best friend quizzically.

“Just.. one hug. Please?”

Hyukjae hesitated. He wanted it, of course, but he was worried this little hug would make it harder than it already was for him to leave. Still, he knew he wanted it. They both did.

“I’ll miss you,” Donghae whispered, burying his nose into the dip in Hyukjae’s shoulder. “For now.” They had their arms tightly wrapped around each other, almost merging into one. Both of them hated it; this was a goodbye hug. A full stop to their friendship. An end. Hopefully a comma. Their worlds would be put on pause, both uncertain whether it was momentary, or forever. Donghae pulled Hyukjae even closer. “I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but this is hard. It really is.”

Hyukjae smiled, nuzzling his nose into Donghae’s hair. “Don’t. It’s your big day. You’re supposed to be happy.”

“But you said you wanted to let g—”

“Don’t think about it.” Hyukjae said firmly. “I’ll be next to you while you wait for your wife-to-be. Think of it as the young us finally achieving our dreams together. Well, kinda. Now let’s go. They’re waiting.”

Donghae pulled back, staring at his best friend. He was calm, but his words were emotionless. So was his pale face. Why?

“Come,” Hyukjae commanded, tugging on his arm. Donghae gave in, nodding. Off they went, walking towards the wedding hall.

-

It was bearable, right up until now. The hall was beautiful; a translucent white and gold canopy hovered over most of the hall, with fairy lights hanging down, illuminating the place. Red rose petals were scattered on the top of the canopy and along the red, no, white carpet. It was a white carpet with intricate gold details embroidered into it, which Hyukjae thought looked very classy. The walls of the hall were white, the round tables and chairs were white, the altar was white.. White, white, white.. Everything was white, and simply put, it looked like heaven. A heaven Hyukjae didn’t want to be a part of.

Hyukjae was suffocating. On his right stood the groom, his best friend Lee Donghae, waiting impatiently for the arrival of his soon-to-be wife, Park Narae. He was jittery—very jittery—evident by the way he was fidgeting behind his back, tapping his foot and occasionally rocking to and fro. He couldn’t stop staring at Donghae’s back, scanning him from head to toe. He looked at Donghae’s beautifully styled hair, barely remembering what it looked like from the front because he had been too busy being sad that his best friend was slipping away to have noticed. He lowered his gaze a little, staring at the tan skin on Donghae’s neck, a spot he’d often nuzzled against whenever Donghae tiptoed to hug him in the past eighteen years. He bit his lip, turning away for a second. He looked up at the ceiling, puffed his cheeks and fanned himself before returning his gaze to Donghae’s back. His eyes trailed down Donghae’s body, stopping once he’d reached the arms and clasped hands hidden behind his back. Hyukjae shook his head as his mind began to take over.

Those hands... Those hands that he had held ever so often in the past eighteen years.. Those hands that had always given him encouraging, loving pats on the back whenever things got too rough.. Those hands that often cupped his face and wiped the tears that streamed down his cheeks… Those hands that.. And those arms… Those arms that carried him whenever he was too tired to walk, those arms that wrapped around him whenever he felt lonely, sad, discouraged.. Those arms that would catch him whenever he ran towards him, be it onstage or off.. Those arms that bumped against his whenever they felt silly and were messing around.. He’d miss them. He’d miss the feeling of Donghae’s skin against his. He’d miss everything. He’d miss Donghae.

Hyukjae looked up at the ceiling again, swallowing as he held his hands behind his back. Now it was him who rocked his body back and forth on his heels.

Why didn’t you hate me? Hyukjae cried internally in a one-sided conversation with Donghae. Why couldn’t you have just hated me? Why couldn’t you have just let me be? Why couldn’t you forget me? Why am I here? Hyukjae bit his lip, looking down. He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t cry. Not in front of all these people, and most definitely not next to Donghae. He was struggling. Why did I fall ill? Why did I become so weak? Why did I run away? Why did Heechul find me? Why did I let him convince me to come back? Why didn’t I say anything, or refuse to be Donghae’s best man? I could’ve said no, but I didn’t. I’m the problem. I’m the reason I’m in this mess. He looked up, blinking back his tears. He thanked god the lighting in the room was dim, so nobody would be able to see how red his face was. It’s my fault.

Hyukjae looked to his left. The rest of Super Junior were staring at him, smiling proudly, a few of them giving him a thumbs-up. He searched the table for Leeteuk and Heechul and almost regretted doing so; Heechul was seated upright, clearly tensed with his arm draped over the back of his chair, and Leeteuk was frowning. Hyukjae knew they had noticed him being on the brink of tears.

Just then, the doors of the hall were pushed wide open. The wedding march boomed through the speakers as a lady in a beautiful white wedding gown with a veil gracefully draped over her face, Narae, began to walk down the aisle, arm linked with her father’s. Everyone had their attention on her, gasping, clapping—all except Leeteuk. Leeteuk was staring right at Hyukjae.

Hyukjae held his breath. He glanced at Donghae from the corner of his eye and spotted the beautiful grin on his face, one that he had never seen before. Donghae’s cheeks were stained with tears, but they were unlike Hyukjae’s—those were tears of joy.

That should be me, Hyukjae sobbed badly, internally of course, as he watche