I didn't. I didn't know what to do.

When I knocked on your door, I was in a state of tense anxiety and desperation. My mind and body were in two separate places. My mind wanted to stay where I was, while my body wanted to move forward.

I tried my best to get a grip of myself, but I kept failing miserably. It felt like my whole being was in a dysfunctional relationship with the world.

Despite that, I found myself heading to your room before I could stop myself. Ha! Stupid. I set myself up for this. Might as well see the end of it.

You set up a good distance between us, although you might have done it unconsciously. If it helped, I wasn't sure, because the awkward silence sent my mind into overdrive, the what ifs and maybes swirling inside my head.

And before I knew it, I was already mouthing off words I didn't plan to tell you. 

What was less than a minute felt like eternity as I stood awkwardly in front of you. If I felt stupid before, I felt even more stupid now.

With the way my heart was pounding in my chest, it was a wonder how I even managed to breathe. But if there was one thing that managed to make sense amid all the complexities, it was the look in your eyes.

You had this look of wonder and awe, as if I just told you something monumental—it probably was—and it reminded me why I was so dead set in avoiding you for as long as I could. I never understood what you were thinking, so I never knew how you'd react.

"Yujin," you said my name in that deep tone of yours, each syllable drawn out carefully.

As if on reflex, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Sorry."

Your brows furrowed.

"I mean, look, this—this is—I didn't…” My hands flailed helplessly as I spoke, nothing coherent coming out of me. If anything, my mind and heart were in an even greater disarray.

"Yujin," you repeated. This time, it sounded stern, like you finally got tired of my blabbering.

"I'm sorry," I repeated in a low voice.

You heaved a deep sigh, and I began to shrink back into the dark corner of my mind, the weight of my actions finally sinking in. I took a step back, knowing fully well that I’ve ruined everything. Stupid heart. Stupid feelings.

"Where are you going?"

That halted me in my tracks. You stood up from your chair and started walking toward me, until the distance between us was merely a foot away. Suddenly, you were too close. Is this the moment when—when…

"Aren't we friends?" you whispered, your warm breath hitting me in a way that caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand. "You can tell me things."

Uh, yeah. I just told you that I have feelings for you all right, so are we still what you'd call friends?

"Who is it?"

Huh?

"Who is the lucky guy?"

You know that feeling when everything around you seemed to have stopped? And then someone snapped a finger, but instead of things going back to normal, everything around you crumbled? It was like that for me.

I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions that temporarily shut my brain down. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and instead of coming out of a daze, I was left more confused than ever.

You were waiting for me to say something, anything, but what should I say? You have clearly misunderstood my confession. Was I too vague or were you simply too oblivious? Or, maybe, you understood, but it was your intention to ignore.

You let out a pout, and before I knew it, you were already moving away, slowly but surely.

I heaved a deep sigh before shaking my head.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell me. I’m going to let this one pass, because you’ve said sorry four times now. And gosh if I hear you say sorry one more time, I'll go insane.”

I was about to open my mouth, but you held up a finger in the air, and that immediately shut me up. 

“I haven’t completely forgiven you, so you still need to think of something to make it up to me. Remember, you’ve ignored me for nearly half of the semester. That deserves more than four sorrys, Yujin."

A laugh, more like a cackle filled with despair and hopelessness, escaped my throat.

You sent a glare toward me, and I decided to take this opportunity to turn things around. “Okay. Let’s go out on a date tomorrow.”

I imagined you laughing at how ridiculous my invitation was, but you surprised me by agreeing, “Okay. My class ends at 4, but I need to drop by at the library to return some books. After that, I’m all free.”

After a long pause, I answered, "I’ll meet you at the library, then.”

Who would have thought that after my regretfully failed love confession, we would be here, sitting across each other and admiring the paintings at a lovely cafe in Hongdae, unmistakably on a date?

Ironic. A part of me wanted to feel upset, while another part of me wanted to giggle at the absurdity of it all. But for some reason, I couldn’t do either of the two. Instead, I was stuck staring at you, wondering how the heck we got into this situation.

“You’re staring, again.”

My eyes widened, caught in the act. “I’m staring at the painting behind you,” I lied. I did stare at it when you took a quick trip to the restroom.

You smirked, seemingly amused. “Hmm? How was it, then?”

“Pretty.”

You turned your head to look at the wall behind you. There, hung a bold and vivid painting of a flower.

“A daisy,” you supplied.

“Is it?” I asked, my attention redirected to the drink in front of me. “I didn’t know.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t know what it symbolizes either?” When I didn’t respond, you continued, “A daisy is a symbol of a new beginning.”

A new beginning. My breath was caught in my throat, and I found it hard to say a word. Why did it have to be a daisy?

“Do you wanna know what’s my favorite flower?”

All I could do was nod my head.