Wendy always thought being in love was beautiful. From TV dramas to real life romance, Wendy thought it was beautiful. Love was something pure, innocent and real. Love alters the brains chemicals drastically, making us feel overjoyed and invincible, a strong feeling that make people do things they would never do if they weren’t in love. Like in those dramas the guy takes the bullet for the girl, wanting his lover to survive and live her life, even if it means not being part of it.

Love was scary, yet so beautiful and worth it. Wendy always thought that. Until now.

Now she thought love was just scary. Very scary and confusing. She was at Seulgi’s house, in her room, watching her change into dress after dress. Maybe she was getting light headed.

Seulgi wanted help choosing a dress for her date with Jeongin tonight, so she called Wendy to help her. Wendy promptly accepted but she didn’t think her best friend would change in front of her. Of course, they have done it many times, since they are childhood friends, but Wendy couldn’t erase the thought that for her it felt different. Not just the usual intimacy and skinship but looking at Seulgi’s room— the same room from years ago, it felt different. Wendy couldn’t help to look at it with other eyes. She couldn’t help looking at Seulgi with other eyes. She felt guilty and somewhat dirty.

This time, she didn’t think she deserved to love. She thought she didn’t deserve feeling something so beautiful while she mixed it up with lewd thoughts. She couldn’t call this love. Love was the eternal feeling she would feel for Seulgi. Romantic feelings or not. This was desire. Wendy felt wrong having dirty thoughts about her best friend, whom she loved so much since a young age.

And right now, Wendy felt dirty just standing there, with Seulgi in her underwear in front of her. She couldn’t look up. It was the nth time this has happened, and every time she would overreact.

“So, what do you think about this one? I haven’t worn this one in years but it’s still pretty. Do you think Jeongin would like it?”

Wendy took a quick glance at Seulgi. “T-this is fine. It’s a fine dress. Y-you look good on in, I think he’s gonna like it,”

“Wendy, come on. You didn’t even look at it.” Seulgi said with a frown. Wendy was looking anywhere but her, eyes darting from place to place just to avoid looking at Seulgi’s semi body. Wendy hear shuffling and looked in Seulgi’s direction to find her already dressed.

She looked amazing. She always did. It was weird because a moment ago she couldn’t look at Seulgi, and now she was staring. She looked at every inch of her best friend and when she looked at her face, Seulgi was smiling, spinning around, looking at herself in the mirror. Wendy was mesmerized. Seulgi must have felt her piercing gaze through the mirror and turned around to Wendy.

“So, how do I look?” She asked holding the end of her plain red dress, like she was greeting someone very formally, like in the old times. It ended just above her knee and gave a certain pin-up vibe because of the skirt.

“You look…. beautiful.” Wendy said in a low voice, still admiring Seulgi, this time feeling no shame. What she didn’t see was Seulgi’s cheek slightly blushing at the compliment. She smiled affectionately at Wendy and mumbled a shy “thanks” before turning to her dresser.

“So… now… its make-up time.” Seulgi started digging out her products laid them all to start the makeup process. Meanwhile, Wendy just looked at her bear-like friend, lost within her thoughts.

Since they started dating, Wendy could they that Seulgi was happy. She would talk about him and the things he did for her and smile while looking embarrassed. Every time he called, she would answer happily, calling him pet names and saying she missed him very much. Seulgi acted like she was in love, but for Wendy, it didn’t seem like it. Something was off. She was happy, but Wendy has known Seulgi for a very long time and she would certainly now if her best friend was in love with someone.

She pondered for a while, then spoke.

“Hey Seul, can I ask you something?” Wendy spoke a little reluctant. Her voice was soft but somehow afraid.

“Yeah, sure, what’s up Wannie?” She asked while continuing doing her makeup.

“Do you… do you love him?” Wendy asked, not feeling anything but concern for her friend. “I-I mean… you always say you love him, but…”

Seulgi stopped applying mascara and looked down. She looked sad, maybe even confused. Wendy knew it, something was off. She should have asked earlier. She should’ve noticed earlier.

“I…. don’t know.” Seulgi admitted. She looked guilty. “I like him very much, he treats me very well, but… I don’t know. I feel like I’m trying to prove something to myself. Like I need to love him back.” She turned around to face Wendy. “I don’t think I love him, Wannie.”

Wendy’s heart dropped from her chest at Seulgi’s words. She could feel her sorrow and guilty and suddenly her own feelings didn’t matter. She just wanted to make Seulgi not feel this way. She moved forward to grab Seulgi’s hand, as in to comfort her. She ignored the sudden flutter in her heart, she wasn’t going to make this about her.

“Seul… I have been feeling different things too… I feel… confused. But it’s okay, we got each other’s backs, right? You’re not obligated to love him, it’s okay.” She was trying not to blabber too much; their faces were very close, and she could feel Seulgi’s eyes bore into her. “We’re fine. We’re gonna be fine.” She said that more to herself, but it didn’t matter. Somehow her words affected Seulgi, who was smiling at Wendy, teary-eyed.

“Thank you Wannie, I appreciate it.” She tried wiping some of the tears that were about to fall. “I can’t cry I have makeup on—” She looked at her eyeliner stained fingers and looked up to meet Wendy’s eyes. “Oh no.”

Wendy almost blew a raspberry seeing Seulgi’s stained face. She had smudged her eyeliner and now she had a bigger line in her eyelids. She tried cleaning it but to no avail. Wendy tried helping her, but it didn’t make things better too. Seulgi stared at her reflection and just started laughing, making Wendy laugh too.

“Hey, come here you dumb bear. Let me help you properly,” Wendy grabbed a cotton swab and drenched in the makeup remover. “You have a date, you can’t go with your makeup all ruined.” Seulgi eye smiled at her. “Let me fix it,”

Wendy cupped Seulgi’s cheek for support and started cleaning the messy side. Once again, their faces were so close she could see Seulgi’s pores. She tried to calm down her erratic heartbeat, afraid her best friend could somehow hear it. Seulgi’s breath was even and she looked relaxed, making Wendy even more aware of her actions.

She focused on cleaning the messy parts and when she was almost finished, Seulgi spoke.

“Thank you, Wendy.” She said in a low voice, almost in a whisper.

“I didn’t finish yet,” Wendy said, confused.

“No, I mean, for earlier. Thank you for earlier. You have no idea how meaningful your words were. You truly are my best friend.” She said smiling sheepishly. “The dumb bear best friend.” Mentioning this, she smiled ear to ear, unaware of the affect it had on Wendy.

She finished her ministrations and looked down at her hands. “I am. And I don’t plan the stop being the dumb bear best friend.”

They both looked at each other with big smiles and a moment later Seulgi’s mom knocked on the door, saying “the boy that makes you get home late is here!” and with that Seulgi finished dressing quickly. She said goodbye to Wendy and told her she could stay for dinner with her parents, knowing Wendy wouldn’t eat well at her dorm room.

“Bye Wannie, I’ll call you,” She said while exiting her room, leaving Wendy alone with her thought again. Maybe she would stay for dinner, that way she wouldn’t have to buy something from the convenience store.

Wendy stared at the door for a few moments, recalling the conversation they had. This wasn’t about her, at least not for now. She was okay being like this. She already accepted it.

“Yeah… I’m definitely in love.” Wendy said, small smile forming in her lips. Maybe love it wasn’t that scary after all.