Mark would describe himself as a messy palette. He was covered with so many colours that it was becoming nothing but a huge disaster not worth looking at. The bright colours that once capture everyone’s eyes are now blending into a dull and ugly shade. Mark saw himself as an object,used and changed over and over again. For what,he asked himself? For the satisfaction of others was the final conclusion. Every opinion was a colour splashed onto Mark,initially it was beautiful but now,it was nothing but an unknown page of a colouring book. What seemed to be sharp lines and clear images was turned into smudged and messy art pieces.

 

Mark was lost. He didn’t know who he was anymore. He had let those words enter his brain that no matter how much he scratched off the paint,he would still find himself broken to no chance of returning. 

 

He didn’t know what to do. 

 

The boy always wondered about the feeling of freedom. How’s it like out there in the world where no one would judge for anything you are? Was it just as beautiful as he imagined? If it was,Mark badly wanted to settle down,like how those people did with bright smiles on their faces. The shine in their faces darkened Mark. He felt mocked,even when they were minding their own business and living life. He felt so blue that the colour red could gleam so brilliantly that it had put him in the shadows,his cries for help unbeknownst to the world. 

 

Even so,Mark knew that some had the ability or maybe,willingness to look deeper and he appreciated those people the most. And Lim Jaebeom was one of them. 

 

Lim Jaebeom was the perfect shade of purple. The right amount of red and blue in him made Mark envy.

 

The boy saw bright red in him the first time he landed eyes on him. Jaebeom was busking along with his little band. Mic in his hand as ethereal notes flow out of his lips. His body moved along with every beat,his facial features expressing the emotions so well,Mark thought he was gonna shed a tear or two. He looked happy,doing what he loved with everyone watching him. But yet,out of everyone,Jaebeom caught his gaze and never left it even when the song was over.

 

Mark gulped,feeling his palms sweaty when the singer placed the mic back to the mic stand and walked over to him in big strides,the crowd dispersed and forgotten. He was thinking of blending into the crowd like he usually does but something about Jaebeom’s sharp eyes put him stuck in place. His feet felt heavy,grounding him down on the concrete floor and his breath hitched as Jaebeom was near him. 

 

“Hello.” 

 

And he had fallen off once again. 

 

Shades of blues are pretty to Mark’s eyes,yet it carried a hint of sorrow in it. Blue was uncertainty to him. He never knew when it would get darker or brighter. The sky may be an ethereal hue of light blue,yet any minute now,it’d be dark and raindrops would be falling onto him. The dark sky may hover over him,but Mark could never keep up with the time limit it stayed and returned. 

 

Jaebeom was blue to Mark when he asked him out on a date. It was bright blue in their relationship, but Mark still was cautious of anything that may tint a darker tone. He was reluctant in everything that tied to their relationship,not knowing if it was the right choice or way to go. Anxiety,fear and insecurity showed itself shamelessly in front of Jaebeom but when that happened,he never failed to release colours of red to chase them away. 

 

Jaebeom was the new page to his colouring book,waiting for Mark to colour him away. He was always there,such a patient man with his lover. Jaebeom was an idiot,Mark thought. He had no idea what Mark was capable of doing,yet he stupidly,blindly handed in everything just to get something from Mark. No matter how small the achievement was,Mark would always see the red shining in Jaebeom.

 

The red toned down when Mark blurted out, “I’m a murderer. Would you still want me?” 

 

“What do you mean?” Jaebeom asked,so cautiously Mark felt as if he was a little kitten shying away from strangers. Would Mark be a stranger now that he’s going to know the truth? 

 

“Two,” the older muttered,eyes blank as they laid on his boyfriend,sending him shivers up the spine. “Two had died because of me. Because I kissed them.” 

 

“I’m not following,Mark.” 

 

Of course he wouldn’t know how to. 

 

“I’m cursed,Jaebeom. Anyone I kiss...will face death. Unless you’re my soulmate,which is impossible to find out,don’t you think?” 

 

The laugh Mark let out was so hollow,Jaebeom almost ran away from the eariness. He was silent,his arm no longer wrapped around Mark’s shoulders. His eyes were as wide as it could go and his expression went rigid,just like his whole figure did. Words stuck in his throat,not knowing how to let it out. 

 

His mind was in a frenzy,split into two sides of whether to believe it or not. Deep down,Jaebeom knew he was feeling on the former side more. He was a book nerd of anything interesting. He recalled that one page in one book that he had tugged out from the deepest section of the public library. That paper had inked on information of what his boyfriend was implying. The deadly kiss,they called it. 

Initially when he first mouthed the first few lines,he thought it was bonkers. That it was some stupid fiction people wasted their free time on,but then those corner sections of the newspapers that showed few cases of confessions. 

 

Even then,Jaebeom was skeptical. 

 

Maybe because he wasn’t involved in something like this. 

 

But now it’s a different situation. Jaebeom wasn’t just some friend,he was linked straight to someone who had a curse like it. He was the boyfriend of this person. He thought back to all those times he had leaned in,only for Mark to turn away or place a finger on his lips,shaking his head. During those times,he couldn’t figure out what those eyes were hiding,but now,it was clear that it had nothing but a phrase of I’m sorry. 

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Jaebeom ended up replying after a long period of tense quietness. 

 

“Well then,” Mark sighed and smiled. Jaebeom’s heart pained as he saw that smile. It wasn’t his favourite smile. In fact,he decided on the spot,he hated the smile. Because it held so much hurt and sorrow,as if he’s trying to be strong when in reality,he shouldn’t. Jaebeom had long decided that Mark was allowed to be weak when he’s with him. Because being weak was a ton better than faking it,carrying the heavy stone of uncomfortableness. “Do you still want me,Jaebeom? Yes or no. No need for anything else.” 

 

The younger’s heart was screaming out a big fat yes but his brain was racking up reasons to say no. Was he willing to take the risk? Would he be able to handle that he may die any day? Could he imagine a life restricted to kissing his lovely boyfriend on the lips? 

 

Actually,Jaebeom could.

 

Yes,he’s willing to take up the risk because having Mark was better than anything. 

 

Yes,he’s able to handle that he may die any day because at least,he’s dying in the hands of Mark.

 

And yes,he could imagine a life restricted to kissing those lips. Sad,but Jaebeom would always find a way. 

 

“Yeah,I still want you.” 

 

Mark saw bright red,and maybe,he had placed down his first colour on the page. 

 

 

 

“What colour do you see me as,Jaebeom?” Mark asked one night where they were cuddling on Jaebeom’s bed. It was a tight fit but they made it work. 

 

Jaebeom hummed in deep thoughts,pulling away slightly to stare down at the man on his chest,as if he was analysing him. A few moments in when Mark heard his boyfriend said with full certainty, “Yellow.”

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because to me,yellow means happiness,hope. You make me feel happy and give me hope that my life’s fine with you in it. You’re also creative,and more of a thinker. Warm sunshine radiates off you,and it gives me warmth. I noticed you tend to think a lot. And because yellow is such a bright colour,it constantly pulls me in to focus,just like how you pulled me in the first time I met your gaze.  I focus on you and only you,my love.” 

 

Mark grinned at that,pressing his lips to his thumb before bringing up said thumb to lay on the younger’s lips. Indirect kisses. Jaebeom had thought of it when Mark voiced out how much he wished to kiss him on the lips but wasn’t allowed to. It was funny then,but now,that was their thing that made them feel closest to a real kiss on the lips. 

 

“What about me?” Jaebeom asked back. 

 

“I have seen you with the colour purple ever since we’ve met but the reasons are now different. Back then,you were the perfect balance of cruel and kind. But now,the red side of you represents the strong emotions you always portray to me. Your courage and strength popped out most,especially when you still stayed even when I told you the consequences,” Mark explained,tracing random shapes on Jaebeom’s bare skin. “And for the blue,it's the trust you put in me,in our relationship. It’s also the calm side you give off whenever I face troubles and start to act out. Your loyalty amazed me even until today.”

 

“And so red and blue becomes-”

 

“Purple. Yeah.” 

 

Jaebeom nodded at that before he smirked,earning a noise of confusion from the older, “If you mix our colours together,it turns brown. You know what brown means,my love?” 

 

“What?” Mark smiled. 

“Stable. Natural. Simple. Safety and confidence.”

 

 

 

Their spinning top went on spinning for two more years,until Mark felt the start of the tilt. Jaebeom had turned greedy. Indirect kisses were not enough anymore. He showed his thoughts very clearly,always leaning in even when Mark stopped him. His actions had turned harsher and more desperate. As Jaebeom’s love grew for him more and more,what they had set for their relationship started being lacking for the younger,even when Mark couldn’t give more. 

 

“Jaebeom,baby,no.” Mark sighed,pushing Jaebeom off the nth time that day. It pained him to do so but what could he do? He loves the younger too much to take the risk. He’d rather keep his lover alive than kill him,even there’s a possibility he wouldn’t. But the rate was just so low to him,he’d rather not. 

 

It turns out,Mark would never be strong enough,be ignorant enough to handle the thought of someone dying because of him. Even when they had made a choice and agreed to the invisible contract. Because no matter what,Mark had tied a string around his loved ones,for it to break over and over again,was still going to hurt him endlessly. 

 

“Just one?” Jaebeom pleaded,eyes brimmed with tears that it made Mark shocked. “Please,Mark. I...I just want to know how you feel.” 

 

“I love you too much,Jae. I can’t have you dying because of me-”

 

“It won’t be because of you!” the younger yelled,causing his boyfriend to flinch. “This is my choice so if I die,you won’t have to carry the guilt. And I won’t hate you for it because at least,I died in the hands of my angel.” 

 

“What about me?” Mark sniffled,anger evident in his glare towards Jaebeom. “Have you thought how I’d feel if you do die? You think my love for you is that easy to forget? I have seen the people I kissed die right in front of my eyes. I still have nightmares about them occasionally. I love you more than I could ever love my first love. Don’t be selfish,Jae.” 

 

Jaebeom shed a lone tear at that,nodding his head in surrender. He was right. How could he be this selfish to want something more when he swore to the older that everything was enough for him back then? How could he be this stupid to think that Mark wouldn’t hurt over his death? 

 

But the image of him being able to handle not kissing Mark was slowly getting blurry and blurry. 

 

“I’m sorry. I promise I won’t ask for it again.” 

 

Promises were bound to be broken. Mark just never thought that one promise would be of the kiss. He only kisses twice in his life,and both were so long ago but he’d never mistaken it for another. Having to be alert about such sensation against his lips,Mark forced himself to have the feeling locked in his mind,so that he’d be aware of it whenever he’s been kissed. 

 

So that he’d have time to run.

 

“You promised.” Mark whispered,opening his eyes from his light slumber to stare sadly at a guilty Jaebeom. 

 

“I-I don’t know what came over me,” Jaebeom cried,kneeling beside Mark on the sofa. “I’m so sorry-”

 

“I have to leave.” Mark choked out,pushing Jaebeom away and standing up abruptly,stuffing his phone into his bag and rushing out of the apartment with Jaebeom hot on his feet,trying to grab a hold of his lover. “I can’t do this,Jae-”
 

“You’re leaving me? No,I won’t allow you!” Jaebeom growled,successfully grasping the older’s wrist just as the latter was about to walk out the door. 

 

The older’s face was wet with tears,his body trembling with fear as he tried his best in freeing himself. This wasn’t the freedom he’d wanted. No. “Let me go! You don’t understand-”

 

“Then make me understand!” 

 

“I can’t bear to see you die! I don’t want to see it again. It’s-It’s ing horrifying and traumatising,Jaebeom. So,please let me go. I’m very sorry,my love.” 

 

Jaebeom didn’t know what took over him as he loosened the hold. He assumed it was because of the intense fear portrayed on his lover’s face. That one thing he would never want to cause upon Mark and yet,he did it. It was guilt that let Mark go. 

 

The older smiled sadly,shakily pressing his finger against his own lips before pressing it on his own one,just like before their world crumbled down. “I’m really sorry,Jae. You see me as yellow. Your warm sunshine,your happiness and hope but to me,yellow means cowardice. I’m a coward,Jae. A coward who just runs away and refuses to take responsibility. That’s who I am,my darling.  If you don’t end up dying,please don’t look for me. You deserve something more than us who always walked on edges.”

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make us last,” Jaebeom took Mark’s hand,holding it tightly for the last time. “You’re not a coward when you only protected yourself. I love you,Mark. Even if death tears us apart.”

 

Mark’s a mess. He’s lost. 

 

He’s yellow. He’s a failed paradise. 

 

Worst? 

 

The deaf coward had brought it upon himself once again.