Mark still has nightmares. 

At first he thought it’d be childish to be afraid of something unreal but they were just so haunting that he couldn’t help but fear sleep whenever it comes to take him to dreamland. It wasn’t even dreamland for him. It was hell for him. Mark had to see and hear the same things every time that it had been carved deeply into him like a permanent scar.
 

It has always been like this. Jackson waving at him at a far distance and gesturing for him to come closer and when he does,all he saw was never the Jackson he loved. It was a disgusting shell,covered with maggots and flies,eating up the leftover flesh,the eyes were rolled up just like when Jackson did on the kitchen floor. His voice was shallow and emotionless as he greeted Mark before it turned sad suddenly,asking why Mark had to kill him. The sadness in Jackson’s corpse never lasted long. As if something snapped in the dead soul,it appeared right in front of Mark’s horrified face,a stupid smirk on his deformed rotten face and even if it was just a dream,Mark could smell the malodorous scent and it made his stomach flip. And as if it was planned,a decayed hand was on his jaw,forcing him to turn the other way. Every time was like the first. His breath hitched when he sees the familiar scene of Youngjae running towards him with desperate cries,so ignorant of the speeding car coming towards him. 

Mark had always heard from Mrs Lee that dreams could be controlled by the dreamer so why couldn’t Youngjae hear him? Mark felt like his mouth was stitched up and his vocal chords were blocked. He couldn’t yell for the boy as he could only watch the scene of Youngjae dying right in front of his eyes,head cracked open. Those dark orbs staring at him as the dying boy mouthed a curious ‘why?’,and that was when Jackson spoke again,this time whispering into his ear. 

“You killed him,Mark.” he said,pointing at the driver in the car. That was him,sitting at the driver seat,hand gripping on the wheel so tightly. 

Mark knew it for a long time but Jackson had said it again,feeling satisfied when Mark let out a terrifying scream.

“You killed us,Mark. Murderer.”

After that,it was over. Mark would wake up screaming and sweating like crazy as he snapped his eyes open to Mrs Lee shaking his shoulder rapidly. Mrs Lee always comforted him,bringing his shaky figure into her arms as she whispered sweet comforts into his ear to wash away those words from his mind because it wasn’t true. It was just a dream and it was never real. Mrs Lee would always say that they wouldn’t want him to blame himself over this when it wasn’t his fault but Mark just cannot fully accept it. Jackson and Youngjae were dead because of his kiss,why wouldn’t they blame him? They weren’t here to assure him either so Mark would always suffer on his own toxic thoughts. 

“It’s just a dream,sweetie.” Mrs Lee whispered one morning,her hand carding through Mark’s now red hair. The touch so soft and motherly that it almost made Mark fall into slumber but the thought of meeting Jackson and Youngjae again,was enough to make him avoid doing that. He opted to closing his eyes and focus on her comfort,wanting nothing more than to feel better,to not feel ty and pathetic,to not feel like a killer. 

Mark wanted Mrs Lee to bring up anything. Just anything that would serve his mind away from the horrible hell he had been through. He didn’t need to say it because she knows. She always did. Just by the way Mark closed his eyes and took a deep breath,he was ready to leave his poisonous thoughts away and approach a new day,Mrs Lee was aware. 

“You’re going to the orphanage today?” she asked,voice so low that Mark almost missed it. 

Mark nodded against her chest,eyes remained shut. Mark started going to an orphanage located near his home a few years back. Youngjae has been dead for two years and Mark couldn’t find anything to distract him from the sight. That was until he came across the orphanage. A kid had ran to him,pulling at the hem of his shirt with big doe eyes,asking him if he wanted to play. Mark fell for it in an instant as he finally found somewhere peaceful for him. 

The red haired boy visits the orphanage at least twice a week,always bringing snacks or gifts for the children there. He could see happiness in their eyes. Most of them were lucky as they didn’t know the reason why their parents left them there but for some,Mark could see the pain behind the happiness. Those were the ones Mark cared for most. They were kids. They shouldn’t have to know the harsh reason on why they were there and why they differ from the other kids in the world. It was just too much for them yet they’re strong and brave. Mark wished he could be like them but no matter what,he knew they were different. 

Mark could hear the excited yelling and quick footsteps as soon as he entered through the door. He smiled at the owner of the orphanage,Mr Na,greeting him a soft good morning as he handed over the bag of snacks. He shared a small talk with the man before he heard his name being called by one of the kids there. Giving the child a wave,he walked over and lifted her up in his arms,cooing at her cuteness. 

Usually,the child in his arms,Soeun,would tug at his ear,yelling about the boys being mean to her but this time,instead of boys with cooties,it was a prince. He was amused as he raised an eyebrow at her,a sign for her to keep going. Soeun pointed behind him,whispering how she was gonna marry a prince and become a princess. The blabbering of how the mean boys would become her slaves went unheard when he laid eyes on the said prince. The stranger seemed like he already had his gaze fixed on Mark even before he realised him as the red haired boy met his eyes as soon as he turned around. Soeun’s prince had a thin but tall figure with thick pouty lips. Mark also caught the mole under his eye but his fashion was quick to stole his attention. The guy dressed like he was about to attend a fashion show. It was totally normal for Soeun to think of him as a prince by the way he dressed compared to everyone here. 

Mark didn’t notice his grip on Soeun tighten as the stranger approached them,it was only when the child yelp lightly did he realised,mumbling out cooing apologies to her. A soft laugh was heard and Soeun blushed at that,hiding in the crook of Mark’s neck. The man commented about her shyness and Mark couldn’t help but agree,remembering how hard it was to get her to open up to him when he first came. The name of the mysterious prince was Kunpimook Bhuwakul but he went by Bambam,which made Mark relieved. He never wanted to say such complicated name he probably won’t remember if they ever meet again. 

Turns out,meeting Bambam again wasn’t that hard. He got to know that Bambam used to live here in the orphanage before going back to Thailand and continuing his studies. He was on break,hence the reason on why he was here. Bambam was outgoing,almost reminding him of Jackson. The energy he gave out was very loud and friendly which succeeded in stealing the kids’ hearts. Mark can’t lie and say he wasn’t affected as well. The smiles and laughs he started giving out because of Bambam was enough to prove it. Even Mrs Lee commented on it with a teasing yet happy smile,proud that her boy was finally making progress. 

Mark finally surrendered to his feelings one morning when he woke up. The feeling so familiar to him. It has been seven years,close to eight. Having it wash down his system again,Mark didn’t know what he should feel. Happy that he finally had the courage to like someone again or sad that he’d be killing one more? He was sure that he had to make a decision quick when Bambam confessed to him one night. Years ago,he said to himself that no one would ever be happy in a relationship without kisses but he found himself doing it. He wanted to be with Bambam but he couldn’t kiss the boy. He could only tell Bambam that he wouldn’t be able to kiss him because he was scared,hoping the boy would accept his reason without further questions.

Bambam did. They were dating. 

Mark was surprised they lasted for months without any lip locking. The furthest they did was a kiss on the cheek or forehead. Anywhere but the lips. Bambam seemed to have gotten the memo that lips were off limits in their relationship. Mark didn’t know how long Bambam would be able to hold onto the rule though because it was obvious that the boy was starting to be bolder. He would come closer to Mark’s lips so many times but was always rejected or pushed away. Mark could feel his heart twinge in guilt whenever the younger hid his disappointment behind a fake smile,laughing it off as a joke. Sorrys were common every time that happens and Bambam would sighed and waved it off,assuring Mark that it was fine to go along with his pace. 

But was the assurance for Mark or Bambam? 

He didn’t think he would find out the answer that soon. He knew something was different when Bambam never gave him any fake smiles. He just asked why. The younger was keen for an answer that Mark wasn’t going to give. How would the younger react when he gets to know that his boyfriend is capable of giving death with just a kiss? And the fact that he had put two people through it? How was he gonna tell Bambam just like that? 

“I can’t tell you,Bammie. I really can’t.”

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” 

“I can’t.” 

Bambam only scoffed at that as he nodded,letting out a deep sigh. “I...want to trust you on that but I just don’t.” Mark’s heart started splitting. Damn,it was painful. Relationships were built on trust and the fact that it was lost,he could feel it tremble. His own boyfriend couldn’t trust him. Mark kept silent but it just made the situation worse as Bambam started blurting out how it felt about this no kissing on the lips policy in their relationship. The younger had felt like he wasn’t enough for Mark,as if the older was disgusted by him. It was false and Mark knew that,even when he tried to tell Bambam it wasn’t the case and that he really had a reason behind it,the thai boy just didn’t want to acknowledge it until Mark spills out his so called reason. 

“I kill. That’s why. I can’t kiss you because you will die.” 

There was it. The truth. Bambam looked at him like he was a crazy maniac that escaped from a mental institution. Mark kinda expected that,seeing that what he had was rare in this world. The kiss that pushes people to early death. Scientists never found out the reason behind it or a cure for it. This disease was just there and whoever came across it was just another unlucky person. 

Bambam laughed at that,an unbelieving expression on his face. “I’m so done with you. Stop with this bull.” he said and Mark sighed. 

Why ask when he couldn’t believe? Mark had asked. Deep down,he did understood where Bambam was coming from. If your partner has been keeping secrets from you,making you insecure and just tell you something that sounds so rubbish,would you believe it in that state? Mark won’t too. He never waited for Bambam’s answer as repeated apologies escaped his mouth. 

Yet,it wasn’t enough for Bambam to stay,to hold up with the relationship. He left after the argument and Mark never saw the boy again. 

Maybe it was for the best. 

No matter how much he liked Bambam,he couldn’t force him to stay. That break up made him realise that people can do anything for what they want. And if they don’t,they leave because the defeat was just too much for them to cope with. Mark didn’t want to blame himself anymore. Why should he? Why should he hold himself back from living a normal life just because of this? It wasn’t him who wanted the kiss first,it was always them. Jackson who suggested to try with him instead of another,Youngjae who forced it on him all because of the possessiveness he had for him and Bambam who left because he couldn’t get his lips,it was never him who started it. 

If they really want his kiss,Mark would have to ask them,would they be willing to sacrifice their lives for it? Mark will give them a choice and from now on,he won’t reject. He’ll go with their decision. He’s done on blaming himself. 

Mark’s done.