Why him? 

All questions,no answers. It never mattered how many times or how long Mark had asked this question because there was always dead silence instead of an answer. He’d never think it would ever happen. He wasn’t normal,like anybody else he knew. Mark Tuan was dangerous. He kills. It doesn’t mend his heart,it breaks it more. But he just couldn’t control it,this disease of his. Because every single time his lips touches someone’s,they would leave. Not only from him. From everything. 

Mark had a hunch about this rare disease. It was kinda obvious to him when his parents always prevent him from kissing any living thing there was. Whenever he’d get close,they would always be there to pull him away and yell at him,hitting his lips harshly. It hurt till it numbed,Mark learnt yet he always forgets.

Then,it all got too much that a hit to the lips was not enough anymore. 

His best friend. His pillar. His companion in everything. His first love,Jackson Wang. The boy was outgoing and so much more than Mark. He was the kid who raises up his hand in class and the one that jokes even in a life and death situation. Basically,Jackson was once an image Mark wanted but scared to be. That was last time though because the moment Jackson invited Mark over to his table during lunch,his sight towards the boy changed. He no longer wanted Jackson’s personality. Why would he when he could feel how perfect their traits and charms match up together? If he were to have the same things,it would clash and not be perfect anymore. In other words,Mark loved Jackson and wanted him. 

Jackson was the one that helped him come to the conclusion that he was attracted to the same . Mark never told his parents. The thought of their disappointed faces was too painful to even imagine. But if he thinks about it,they probably have nothing to worry about because their son has low chances in having a perfect love story. A romance without kissing? Mark wouldn’t want it either. If he didn’t,why should Jackson? It just doesn’t make sense in Mark’s head. 

A sleepover was what changed everything. 

Mark never knew that those last laughs and coughs would be what he’d be last hearing from his love. It was a moment. They had a moment. Their eyes caught each other and as if he had the ability,Mark swept away all the warnings yelling in his head,begging for him to make a grave mistake and that he would kill the love of his life. A grave mistake indeed when he felt the soft lips against his. It was too late to turn back time where they’re still safe. Where Jackson’s still safe.

Mark recalled being pulled closer and the warm breathing against his face. The hair he gripped ever so tightly still left a feeling between his fingers. Every strand felt so soft in his hand. That one strong hand that gripped onto his waist and nape was a sensation he would never forget. Who would ever thought he’d be having his first kiss with his first love? Mark had no idea how it became like this.

Maybe it was because Mark suddenly blurted out that he wanted to know the feeling of being kissed. Or maybe it was the way mischief glinted in Jackson’s eyes as the younger leaned closer and whispered that he could show him how it would feel. Maybe it was the pull and greed of wanting Jackson to be his finally. 

Maybe...it was everything. 

He whimpered when Jackson squeezed on his waist harder,tilting his head as he pressed harder against his lips. It was hot around them but the sweetness in the kiss makes up for it. Before he knew it,he was on the younger’s lap,enjoying more than he should and need. He really loved the boy beneath him and no matter how much he knows that this won’t last,he wants it. He wished for Jackson to never leave his side,to never let go of his lips. 

That had to end when Jackson pushed Mark away gently,breaking the kiss. Mark frowned when he saw the sight of Jackson coughing. A twist in his gut could be felt. Mark could only hope it wasn’t that. He could tell Jackson was trying to hold in his coughing fit during the rest of the night. His face would go red and flushed. Mark had asked if he was okay but all he ever got was his charming smile that never reached his eyes and a pathetic ‘I’m fine.’

It was a lie,of course. Anyone could see Jackson wasn’t fine. And that killed Mark more. 

A  goodnight and a kiss on the lips were Jackson’s farewell gift for Mark. Well,the good ones at least. The last sight of Jackson was him lying on the kitchen,blood seeping out of his mouth with his eyes rolled back. There was broken glass shards around the body and yet,Mark didn’t feel the pain of them cutting into his flesh when he runs to Jackson. His best friend was gone and it was all his fault. 

Mark never attended the funeral. He couldn’t face Jackson or his family. He just killed someone he holds close to heart. How could a monster ever be so cruel to show up in their victim’s funeral? Wasn’t ruining them enough? What mess could he make more? Jackson’s parents blamed him and his own had kicked him out,not wanting a son that was a murderer. Mark could only laugh sadly when his little brother watches him with fear. He had brought this upon himself. He had managed to push everyone away all because he couldn’t control himself from unleashing his feelings. 

What would’ve happened if Mark never asked? What would’ve happened if Jackson never gave him a chance? Would they still be laughing and spending time like the soulmates they are? Well,it’s too late for those now,isn’t it? 

Jackson’s dead and Mark could only blame no one but himself.