Scars

 

“So this is your place, huh?” Junhoe chuckled, leaning on the wall while he waited for Jinhwan to fiddle with the keys. He shook them, trying to get them to untangle and find the one from his apartment. Every time he looked at Junhoe, he gave him a wink, making it that much harder.

Jinhwan poked his thigh with the key, telling him to shut up. The whole apartment lit up, both of them finding their way into the kitchen. “I'm glad you walked me home tonight.”

“Well I've heard that we're like a great match so... I'm glad you invited me in for a drink.” Junhoe took a few steps closer to Jinhwan who was taking out glasses from the cabinet.

“How could I pass up on an opportunity like that. What's your poison?”

“Would it be too cheesy if I said you?”

“Absolutely. Are- Are you flirting with me?”

“Oh, you just noticed?”

“No, I noticed when we moved in together, you dork,” Jinhwan giggled, giving Junhoe a little slap on the arm so he'd stop with the silly game. Junhoe had the words on the tip of his tongue but couldn't get them out, his mind stopping at the sight of Jinhwan's smile and the sound of his laugh. He stopped in his tracks, admiring the face he had the luck of waking up next to each morning. 

Jinhwan noticed the silence, seeing that all the attention is on him. He felt all the blood rushing into his cheeks, even after all this time. That's the power Junhoe's looks had over him. “No, seriously, what do you want to drink.”

“Just water. I'm still a little woozy from the club.” The world wasn't spinning but it seemed it a little nicer. He wasn't sure if it were the drinks though. It always seemed a little nicer when he was with Jinhwan. He felt the sudden urge to pull him closer and let him know that. He grabbed him by the belt loops, making him back up into him. 

Jinhwan laughed, barely putting the glasses down and stopping the faucet. “Dude, your water.” But he forgot about the water as soon as he felt his back hit Junhoe's chest. He spun around, staring directly into his face. He couldn't hide his little smile. “Can you not wait five seconds?”

“I really can't,” he mumbled, feeling Jinhwan's breath on his face. The overwhelming need to kiss him ran through him but he stopped himself, knowing Jinhwan just wants a kiss too. He liked to to the limit. 

Jinhwan's hands ran up his chest, resting on his shoulders, drawing small circles with his fingers. They came over a small scar on his neck, it’s always been there. Just a little one but big enough for you to see it. He grabbed Junhoe’s hands, lifting them and turning them palms up. He looked over the tiny, tiny scars on his fingertips. Those were all the little lies he told. 

With each lie, you get a scar. There were small scars, tiny ones. Those appeared when you told a white lie. Like the ones on Junhoe’s fingers. That’s where his little scars showed. They don’t even hurt, you barely notice you have them. There were also bigger scars, deeper ones. The bigger the lie, the deeper it cut.

Jinhwan has seen people with deep, deep scars. Across their chests, faces, backs. Those must’ve hurt. You could feel them ripping open, bleeding. Sometimes, you’d see it on the street. It wasn’t a pretty sight. But it was the universe’s way of telling you lying’s wrong. 

You'd feel where the wound would form, when it was a bigger one. It’d start to burn a little before actually opening up.

You'd see all kinds of people. Some were scarred from head to toe. Even though it was none of your business, you'd wonder. Where did they come from? Especially the big ones. What lie did they tell?

Or people who had no visible scars. They must be somewhere hidden then. There wasn't a person with no scars. And if he said he had none, he had just earned himself another scar. All people have said lies, smaller or bigger ones.

Junhoe laughed, watching as Jinhwan ran his fingers over the scars on his fingertips. It was so gentle, it almost tickled. “Looking to see if there's any more?” Junhoe teased, enjoying Jinhwan’s panicked face. 

He immediately let go of his hands, panicked that Junhoe might think he’s checking on him. “No, no, it’s just... It’s just interesting,” he laughed, giving his hands a little kiss.

But before he could say anything else, Junhoe was already dragging him out of the kitchen by his belt loops, forgetting about his water altogether. 

 

*

 

Jinhwan couldn't help glancing at the clock every five minutes, wondering where Junhoe was. His work ended some hours ago but there was no trace of him. Jinhwan knew that he shouldn't worry, that it was stupid. He’s a grown man, for Christ's sake. But there was a little bug in him, making him wonder if everything's okay. He called him, sent him a little text telling him to take care. He knows he shouldn't worry.

The show that was on the TV went completely past him, his mind wasn't able to follow the plot. It was their favorite show too. 

The door opened, Junhoe tiredly greeting his partner. He didn't even give him a proper look before leaving into the bedroom but soon enough realized there's his boyfriend in the living room. He dragged himself across the flat, throwing himself down on the couch next to Jinhwan. He laid down into his lap, mumbling a quiet ‘hi’, sounding a little happier than before. He wrapped his arms around Jinhwan, pulling him closer as he asked him where he was. 

“Had to stay in late,” he groaned, tapping his fingers on Jinhwan's back. He looked exhausted, Jinhwan didn't know whether he should stay still or carry him into the bed. 

“Did you eat?”

“Yeah.”

Jinhwan tried to chat with Junhoe some more but all he got were short answers. But it was understandable, seeing how he's barely keeping his eyes open.

“Do you want me to play it from the beginning? I didn't even get to watch it,” Jinhwan laughed, expecting Junhoe to agree, they always watched it on Wednesday evenings. But instead, he only received a little kiss on the cheek, Junhoe telling him he's too tired and going straight to bed. Jinhwan looked at the clock. Ten. It wasn't that late. But he let it go, seeing that Junhoe barely kept his eyes open.

He was left in the room alone, alone with his thoughts and the bug inside him telling him maybe a omething's off. He's just paranoid, he’s always been. And everything always turned out well. He had to stay in late, didn't have time to check his phone. Simple. He was annoyed at how much it bothered him.

Jinhwan stood up, going to the kitchen to grab a drink. He passed a mirror, noticing a smudge on his shirt. He paid it no attention at first but on his way back he stopped there, checking it out.

Blood.

How in the world did he get blood there? His mind went through all scenarios, realizing it's from when Junhoe came home. 

 “Hey, babe?” Jinhwan entered their bedroom, finding Junhoe awake, pale blue light illuminating the room. He looked up from his phone, finding his boyfriend sitting on the other side of the bed. “I had blood on my... On my shirt. I think it’s... From you,” he whispered, quite unsure how to ask his boyfriend about it. Junhoe could hear that. He sighed, putting his phone away. 

“Okay, look, I just didn’t want you to worry, okay? I didn’t have time to grab lunch or anything because the whole system stopped working. Just didn’t want to bother your pretty head.” He yawned, pulling Jinhwan on the bed with him. He whispered a sweet sorry before turning away and falling asleep.

 

*

 

“Dude, what are you so dressed up for?” Jinhwan looked up from his video game, watching Junhoe run around the apartment. He was frantically buttoning up his shirt, checking the clock to see if he's late. It was a little out of character for him, he always liked to snuggle up in big hoodies. If he didn't know any better, Jinhwan would guess he's getting ready for a date.

“Just hanging out with the guys,” he yelled from the other room. Oh, Jinhwan forgot, he mentioned it a few days back. “They wanted to try out this new place in town. Had to dress the part,” he laughed, leaning on the doorframe, hands in pockets. Jinhwan wished him a good time, stopping the game once again to properly say bye. He stood up but Junhoe was already almost out of the door, catching the last finishing touches. 

“You're using something new?” Jinhwan stopped, noticing Junhoe didn't smell like spices and cinnamon. He always did, anyway. It was Jinhwan's favorite, borrowing his shirts or falling asleep next to him. 

“Yeah, decided to try out something new. You like it?”

“Sure, you smell like a whole forest,” Jinhwan , leaning on for a little make-up kiss but Junhoe only scrambled for his keys and wallet, giving his partner a little wave before running out of the door.

Jinhwan was left stumped, a little confused as of why Junhoe was rushing so much. He knew his buddies would be late anyway. But if they're trying out a new spot, and by the looks of it, a fancy one, maybe they had a reservation. Or maybe it was someone's birthday. Yeah, yeah that's probably it, Jinhwan assured himself before returning to his game to take his mind off of things.

 

*

 

It was a lazy Sunday morning. Jinhwan turned off all alarms, deciding to sleep in with Junhoe. He woke up, stretching his arms and turning around to see an empty bed. The whole apartment was quiet too.

Jinhwan checked his phone, there were no messages. He wondered where Junhoe could be. 

He dragged himself out of bed, deciding whether there's a point in looking for him. These past days he acted so strangely and Jinhwan couldn't put his finger on it. He tried to convince himself it was just his work like he said. And he was succeeding at it. But a little voice was still asking if there's something more behind it. He seemed so distant these past days. Jinhwan didn't really want an explanation. He just wanted to help him if he was going through a lot, he didn't like seeing him like that. That's what he's here for, after all.

Before Jinhwan could get up and search for his boyfriend, he heard the door unlock. He leaned forward, seeing from the bed into the hall. Junhoe looked like he just came from a run. “Junhoe?”

“Yeah?” He took his headphones off and came to check in on Jinhwan. “Sorry if I woke you up. I tried to sneak out as quiet as I could.”

“No, no, I just woke up. You... went out for a run?” He could see Junhoe frown, obviously offended by the remark.

“Yeah, why?” Jinhwan could feel him getting more and more agitated.

“You always hated running.”

“Well, I decided to give it another chance. Trying to do something good for me,” he growled before quickly locking himself in the bathroom.

Jinhwan just heard the shower run and that was the only thing keeping him from drowning in his own thoughts. Why was Junhoe so prickly lately? He never had a short-temper. What was hanging in the air?

Jinhwan's mind was racing with unwanted thoughts.

Something was wrong.

 

*

 

Jinhwan searched for his keys, he never knew where he put them. The day was going so badly, if he didn't find them in the next three seconds, he might break down. Work all of his energy out, his co-workers were sick or took days off, leaving him to deal with both patients and papers. It wasn't even his turn today. 

He slowly opened the door, only to find Junhoe in the kitchen, preparing something. As soon as he noticed him, he made his way into the hall, greeting Jinhwan with a little welcome kiss. “Glad you're home.”

Jinhwan was still confused as to what was happening. The whole apartment was dark, except the kitchen and living room, which were lit dimly. Junhoe seemed to change his whole personality, a completely different person than he was yesterday. Jinhwan appreciated the change, oblivious to where it came from. 

“Is everything okay?” he cautiously asked, peeking into the living room. The couch was pulled out, stacked onto it were blankets and pillows, he never knew they owned so many blankets. 

Junhoe gave him a guilty look. “Yeah, it's just... I know I haven't really been here these past days. Or... Or weeks. I wanted to say sorry. It really wasn't fair,” he apologized and Jinhwan could hear the guilt in his voice. He forgot about the mess in his workplace, his mind fully occupied with Junhoe now. He didn't know what to say, giving Junhoe an assuring smile instead.

He was pulled into the room, he sat on the couch while Junhoe brought out a box of pizza and a few bottles of beer from the kitchen. He put them on the table, climbing onto the couch. “Come on, we'll have a nice evening. Watch a trashy movie. Talk until morning. Just like we used to.”

Jinhwan tried to hide the big smile but failed miserably. It was exactly like when they were just starting out. Every little touch, it was there. 

He remembered so clearly, it was a night like this he realized he was falling for Junhoe. That was some years ago, shortly after college. The movie was long over, beer bottles empty and the sun was about to come out. And they just sat on the couch, talking. And talking. He remembered looking at Junhoe, lost in the words he was saying. Lost in his eyes. His mind couldn't catch the words he was saying when they locked eyes. And he so vividly remembered Junhoe learning in for a kiss at the end of that night. 

Blood rushes into his cheeks and he found a perfect place on the sofa, grabbing a slice and waiting for his partner to play whatever movie. It was never important, rarely they watched the whole thing. They sat next to each other, close, but barely touching. A part of Jinhwan wanted to immediately sit in Junhoe’s lap, cutting the whole night short. Another part of him wanted to savor every moment, just like when they were too afraid to even hold hands. He noticed Junhoe smelled like cinnamon again. He knew Jinhwan adored it. To him, it smelled like home.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being so distant. Work’s crazy and I have a lot on my mind and... And I hope I can be here more for you.” 

Jinhwan watched him suddenly curse as he reached over to the table, on his thumb immediately. “What's wrong?” Jinhwan asked, seeing that his finger is still bleeding. He said he cut his finger on the pizza box. Jinhwan proceeded to dab his finger with a tissue while Junhoe continued to apologize for the past few days.

Jinhwan just whispered a quiet ‘it’s okay’ but before he could say anything more, Junhoe interrupted him. “Look, I got you something.” He reached down, behind the sofa, pulling out a teddy bear. It was almost the same as the one he got him on his second date, except bigger but with the same bow-tie and writing on its foot. 

Jinhwan felt awful. He felt awful because of all the thought he had these past days. He blamed his wandering mind for coming up with such explanations and scenarios. He believed them for a moment. He never wanted to doubt Junhoe or his loyalty. Hearing him say it’s work and all and seeing he truly feels bad knocked those thoughts right out of his head. Junhoe, that’s what was on his mind now. Junhoe, Junhoe, Junhoe. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And everything felt right.

 

*

 

“Hey, could I borrow your laptop? Mine’s being repaired,” Jinhwan stuck his head into the bedroom with puppy eyes. “I just need to reply to some work emails.”

Junhoe said ‘sure’, pulling out his own laptop and logging in. His mind quickly went back to his book, barely paying attention to his boyfriend sitting next to him. It’s been a long time since he read a book, it was slowly gathering dust on his bedside table.

Jinhwan was doing his work, finishing up but a quick notification popped up in the upper right corner. Junhoe must have his phone and laptop connected. “Hey, I don’t mean to read your texts but someone’s asking if the reservation for two at... God, I can’t read that, it’s french. If that’s still up.”

Junhoe looked at him wide-eyed, not expecting it to pop up on his laptop. He swiftly took it from Jinhwan, answering the message. Jinhwan's wheels started turning, wondering if it's for them or someone else and Junhoe. He recognized the name, it was a fancy restaurant in the town. Junhoe looked fairly shocked and a little panicked that Jinhwan found out. Something didn't sit right. “You booked us a table?” he asked, trying to assure himself that after the date night, he had finally gotten his attitude together. He watched him closely, trying to figure out if he was telling the truth.

“Yeah, wanted to surprise you,” Junhoe gave him a little smile, quickly looking up from his laptop. He searched for his phone, rubbing his hand on his thigh. Jinhwan tried very hard to convince himself that he's just nervous because the surprise got ruined. That must be it, right? It must be.

“Great, tell them it's still up. What a great anniversary plan,” he his thigh lightly before getting up and leaving the room. Junhoe's expression was enough for him, wide eyes and almost dropped his jaw. He struck a nerve, he thought. But he hoped he was wrong. Oh, how he hoped he was just paranoid. 

 

Jinhwan wrapped himself around Junhoe's arm, hanging close as they made their way through the city at night. The dinner was already behind them as well as a few glasses of wine. The whole evening was so well-thought-out, Jinhwan was sure Junhoe must've planned this out for them. It left him feeling guilty again, that he doubted him. He squeezed his hand and looked up at his boyfriend, seeing that look and smile he was so weak for. 

The cold river air was keeping him awake and sober and they slowly walked past the boats and benches, speaking very little. They didn't need to. Junhoe his hand with his thumb and occasionally giving his hair a kiss was all he needed at that moment. And he chose to remember just that. He chose to forget how he seemed absent-minded the whole dinner, barely speaking. How Jinhwan basically had to drag him out for the walk, needing just a few more perfect moments in this fairytale that was falling apart in front of his eyes. He chose not to remember that the moment the apartment door closed, Junhoe leaned away from what would've been the only kiss of the night, saying he's too tired and disappearing in the bedroom. He didn't want to think about how he sat on the couch with a wine glass in his hand, sitting there in silence because he needed time to think. He didn't want to go sleep in the bed with Junhoe, he couldn't bear it. His mind was racing and even though he needed to sort it all out, he felt like he was drowning in his own thoughts.

He didn't want this to be the end of his fairytale. The end of a relationship, sure, but not the end of idyllic fantasy.

As much as he tried to deny it.

This was the end.

 

*

 

Jinhwan leaned on the kitchen counter, waiting for Junhoe to come home. He knew he'd be late, he always was. He'd come in, smiling widely. He seemed so happy, happier than when he was with him. It was like a needle into the heart. He didn't even have the decency to end things with Jinhwan, he wondered why. He wondered why every time he'd come home smelling like someone else. The past days, he got so sloppy at hiding it. Maybe he thought Jinhwan didn't figure out anything but he also knew his boyfriend wasn't an idiot.

Jinhwan promised himself he wouldn't shed any more tears. No more. Today was the last time he let himself cry over him. He didn't deserve a single tear that came out. They didn't mean anything to him. He didn't care how hurt Jinhwan was. 

Things ended today. That's what Jinhwan told himself. He didn't have any more strength to continue on with this relationship. It will be better for him, for Junhoe, for whatever third party was involved in this. 

Jinhwan blamed himself for dragging things out for so long, letting himself get hurt in the process. He almost felt ashamed of ignoring all the red flags, convincing himself he's just paranoid. He wasn't and deep down he knew it. But something in him always wanted to convince him that everything's fine and the worst he's thinking of is untrue. 

He heard Junhoe's keys jingle, the door opening. His heart sunk, he felt like his stomach shrunk to the size of a pea. He didn't want to do this.

Junhoe walked in, again, with that happy smile on his face. It disappeared once he saw Jinhwan waiting for him. He looked so heartbroken, he could see it from the hall. “Hey, babe. Something wrong?” he cautiously asked, approaching his partner slowly. The worst came to his mind, almost certain that he caught up with him. 

Jinhwan looked up from the ground, with a broken look that almost made Junhoe's knees weak to the point of not working. He knew. He knew everything. 

“Yeah, a lot, actually.”

Jinhwan didn't know what to say. Neither did Junhoe. The deafening silence was all around, it was so uncomfortable that Jinhwan wanted to start screaming just so he wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. But couldn't bring himself to raise his voice. He spoke so quietly and slowly, barely finding the energy. “Are... Are you cheating?” He asked the obvious question. It lingered in the air the whole time. He didn't even need to say it out loud.

But once he did, it felt like a thousand knives were struck into Junhoe's heart. He knew what he was doing the whole time, he knew. But hearing it out loud, said by the person he loved the most, with those broken eyes, it was the worst thing he never imagined. He never realized how much he was hurting him. Just now, and he regretted every moment he spent away from him. Junhoe knew he couldn't turn back time. But he wished he could just disappear, rather than face Jinhwan and admit it. He didn't dare to look into his eyes again, knowing it'd break him.

He physically couldn't say yes. His tongue didn't allow it. He couldn't say no either, knowing a nasty wound would open up. He didn't want to embarrass himself like that since the truth was out there now. 

“I see,” Jinhwan laughed sadly, looking away from him. He couldn't stand looking at him. He knew his feelings would start acting out again. He felt his nose itch, his head hurting from holding in the tears. Was there really a point in holding them in? He should let Junhoe see how hurt he really was. 

He wanted to tell him how much he missed everything. How he missed his best friend, how he missed the passion, Junhoe's never-ending rambling about work, how they slow-danced in the dark when things got too tough for Jinhwan and he wanted to stop the tears from coming, how he missed every lazy morning. Hell, he even missed the arguments because at least then he knew Junhoe still cared for him, he missed the best and the worst, he missed Junhoe yelling at him that he still loves him in the middle of the kitchen during the arguments. He missed Junhoe's lips and his laughs and everything that made him fall in love with him. Where was it now? Making someone else fall in love.

But Junhoe didn't deserve to know that that. He wouldn't erase all the pain he caused, he couldn't. Jinhwan didn't know whether Junhoe still cared. That tore his heart right out. Did he still care about Jinhwan?

“Look I-... I can explain,” he whispered, coming closer to Jinhwan who stood his ground. He felt the familiar burning, on his chest instead of his fingers this time. He saw the blood slowly seep through his shirt, a small wound opening on his chest. It didn't hurt after that, he barely noticed. 

But he couldn't explain it. He couldn't explain his cheating. He didn't know why he did it. Maybe it was becoming too stale or him, he wanted something more exciting, something new, he had no idea. Nothing a tall with his partner would’t fix. But he didn’t know what he wanted, what was wrong. He went the easy route. It was selfish, so selfish of him. He never thought about how it'll mess with Jinhwan, not until he had him there, in front of his eyes, broken. 

“You don't have to.”

It took Junhoe a lot of will, not to fall on his knees at that moment. His heart pounded for him, and he just stood there, not expecting an explanation and maybe not even an apology. He looked into Jinhwan's glossy eyes, grabbing his hands and putting them on his chest. He didn't know where to start, what to say. There was so much but it all seemed so empty. “I'm sorry. I didn't know wh- I'm- I'm so ing sorry,” he whispered, feeling his own eyes water. But not a single scratch appeared on him. Jinhwan noticed. Jinhwan didn't care anymore.

He listened to him struggle with finding words, he listened to him say he loved him, that he was sorry, that they could change it all around. He must've gone for minutes. If Jinhwan didn't interrupt him when he did, he might've started to believe him. But to him, those were all promises he'd never keep. “Can you forgive me?” he asked, holding his hands tighter. “Can you?”

“I can't,” Jinhwan whispered, feeling his arm burn. No, not now. His forearm bled, giving Junhoe a simple answer. 

“Look. Look what it's doing. Jinhwan, we can't let this go- We can't. There's still love. I still love you. You still-”

“I don't know if I do,” Jinhwan yelled, wincing in pain as the wound on his arm stretched further and deeper. 
Junhoe couldn't stand this sight, seeing Jinhwan's arm bleed and doing nothing about it. He couldn't stand Jinhwan rejecting him, though he knew he was the one who doomed the whole relationship. He'd do anything to turn back time and get him back. He still loved him. No new wounds on his body, still. 

He let go of his hands, caressing Jinhwan's cheek instead. He never wanted to let go of him. “Jinhwan, stop. You're hurting yourself, baby, you're hurting.” 
Jinhwan didn't need Junhoe to remind him of that. He was hurting. But it hurt even before he ended it. He watched tears escape Junhoe's eyes, a little voice was telling him he deserved it, another one was telling him to wipe them away and never let go of him. “Junhoe, please, go.” His hands were free, he hid them behind his back. He didn’t wipe his own tears.

“No, I-”

“Junhoe, please. Please, I want you to leave,” Jinhwan whispered. Junhoe didn't argue anymore. He didn't want to leave but he felt like he owed it to Jinhwan. He owed him everything. He loved him and this was the least he could do. He turned around. 

He left.

Jinhwan watched him leave, gripping his other arm that was burning too. It burned and bled too, as he watched Junhoe walk away. 

 

 

 

thank you all for reading!! make sure to let me know what you thought and such!! love y’all! be sure to let me know if there’s someone you’d like to see next