Chanwoo was still wide awake. His thoughts were replaying all the moments, almost like a movie. All the things that felt like a bittersweet paradise, when he could reach out and have Hanbin there. It tore him apart at the same time. He thought of Hanbin. He hated it, he hated it so much, he still couldn’t get him out of his mind. Hanbin was intruding what felt like every thought.

Now Hanbin was so far away. Chanwoo wished he could just hop on a plane, sit on a train, just go there and see him again, feel him, have him, hear him. Whatever, him.

 It came so quickly, so sudden that Hanbin was gone in what felt like minutes, not weeks. Chanwoo wished him all the luck, all the luck in the world with his internship. But he couldn’t shut up the selfish part of him. He just wanted more time, more touches, more nights with Hanbin.

He knew it sounded selfish, to think about what he wants instead of what’s better for Hanbin. He knew this was an amazing opportunity for him and he couldn’t be happier he got the chance- But he still wanted him for himself, he was still selfish. 

Chanwoo would sometimes grant himself the pleasure of… Just imagining all the things they could’ve done. How they’d finally go back to the pier now that the weather was warmer. How he’d… Tell him about his new project. How he’d hold his hand or some sweet like that, and in a moment he felt so dumb again. 

Why was he longing for him so much? Chanwoo cursed silently. Every time he’d get lost in his thoughts about Hanbin, he’d curse and run his hands over his face and through his hair almost as if he was trying to soothe the hurt, maybe rub the thoughts away.

, he- No, no, Hanbin was firstly a hookup, just... It was just a benefit to their friendship. That’s all. Friends with benefits, quick , nothing more, he shouldn’t think about anything more, so why-

It was probably… Because he never met anyone like him. Who made him feel like this.

It was frustrating.

Messages and a call here and there were the only contact they had. Chanwoo would lay in the bed, sometimes he’d watch the sun come up because they texted the whole night. Hanbin would often tell him he misses him. And Chanwoo would always feel his heart skip a little beat and he’d always stare at the message and read it over and over again.

Hanbin misses him. 

Chanwoo knew this deep down, hoped that he’s been stuck in Hanbin’s head like a catchy song. But often, so often he’d just… Worry, he’d doubt it, he’d try to shoo away the intrusive thoughts, he’d crave reassurance.

Chanwoo would sometimes type out how… He really felt. Pour his feelings into a text, he’d stare at it and then… And then his inner voice would scream at him to delete it. He always did. He never really told Hanbin how he really felt. Sure, they kissed and they’d whisper sweet nothings and they’d have and they’d go out for food but- 

He wasn’t sure whether losing the benefits was worth the risk of telling him how he really feels. That he thinks about him more than he should. Not just when he’s but also when he’s strumming a stupid little song on his stupid little ukulele that they heard in a coffee shop one day and- Chanwoo couldn’t say with certainty that Hanbin reciprocated the feelings. 

He hoped he did. 

He thought he did.

No, no Chanwoo, he thought to himself. He did feel that way, you saw the look in his eyes, he convinced himself. You saw how happy he was when he saw you, you know there’s something between you two.

But now wasn’t the time to think. Chanwoo locked his phone, threw it on the other side of the bed.

 

 

Maybe… Maybe, he thought, maybe if he hit Hanbin up, he’d know if he’s really feeling something or if this is him just making all these thoughts up. Does he really feel all these things for him, or is he just making memories up? Does he want more or is he just bored? He couldn’t tell.

He told himself he’d wait, but he couldn’t wait months for Hanbin to come back. He hated being so consumed by him.

He couldn’t tell if the signals from Hanbin were really there or he just made them up. He knew he had to resolve this, to make his mind come to peace.

Every bone in his body told him that calling Hanbin up was a bad idea- Such a bad idea. Every time he called him, every time they the video chat, he knew the feelings would come flowing in through a broken dam. He’d see that ing face and his brain would stop, his stomach would ball up and he’d be right where he started from. Head over heels for him.

It was a bad idea.

He knew it.

And now everything’s wrong.

Because he knows, he knows his feelings are real. Maybe Hanbin shouldn’t have said he missed him so much it hurt. Maybe Chanwoo shouldn’t have replied he wished he was there with him. . , they’re making this way more difficult than it needs to be.

Neither of them dared to say what their relationship really is. Neither dared to question it, they just basked in the lovely unknown, barely knowing the destination, but the road was so sweet that neither cared. Except- Except maybe the few last months.

Where are we and where are we going? Neither said, neither answered. The point they were at was sweet, it was great, but- It didn’t have a name, it didn’t have rules or lines, and both were afraid to move forward or backward. It’d take one conversation, one talk to resolve this, but the risk of all of this crashing down and them losing the other one and the moments- It wasn’t worth it.

They’d rather tiptoe around the situation than take a stand that could make or break a relationship. Chanwoo could neither push nor pull, his only chance was to jump off a cliff and hope there’s a cushion underneath. 

When Chanwoo saw Hanbin’s face and heard him talk, he felt like falling in love all over again. , maybe, he didn’t know. Falling in love didn’t- It sounded strange. He didn’t know what it really meant, it felt like a movie thing. He kinda wished things were as easy as they were in movies.

The actors never seem to doubt their feelings or- Have their emotions so mixed up. He didn’t even know, he hasn’t seen a movie in such a long time.

He can’t think straight anymore. He needs silence, he needs solitude, he needs himself and himself only to work his thoughts out. He wanted to build a wall, a tall wall around himself so he’d have his own space free of love and feelings where he wouldn’t need to deal with these things.

 

 

Even with all of Chanwoo’s thoughts racing, he could still see Hanbin’s face clearly. And he could still feel his touch under his shirt and his sighs and- .

Silent curses left his mouth, he locked his phone and threw it away. He couldn’t even without somehow- His phone beeped again. He was sure it was a text from another student, asking about a project they’re working on. He hoped.

Chanwoo was glad to have so much school work. It gave him time to focus on something else than him and his thoughts, he thought he might even work on the unfinished piece of code tonight. He tried to ignore his phone as much as possible. 

To his dismay, it was Hanbin. His stomach clenched and his brain tried to place Hanbin- Oh, oh , it’s Hanbin. 

‘i miss you!’

‘how was your day?’

‘wanna call?’

God- Damn. He did. He replied quickly to how his day went, open to having a chat with Hanbin. He disliked this about himself, he hated how he’d forget about all the frustrations and- Just long to be somebody to Hanbin. With messages like these, and calls like they had tonight, his hope was fed and he almost knew there was still a flame between them.

Almost. Every time he’d see that Hanbin’s thinking about him, he’d jump on the opportunity to indulge in the sprinkle of attention, hook, line and sinker.

He gladly picked up, and the sight of Hanbin’s face still made him feel the way it did before he left. There was something in the way Hanbin acted and spoke that made Chanwoo believe he’s still into him too. 

It started as always, with the sweet smiles and careful hellos, rehearsed questions and answers. Chanwoo didn’t mind. It was the same start to their conversation every time, especially when they called this late at night. 

Chanwoo couldn’t help but notice- He tried to see better into Hanbin’s picture. “You’re wearing my shirt?”

“O-Oh, yeah it- Yeah, I am,” Hanbin laughed a little, checking the shirt twice. He seemed a little frustrated and tried to hide it in his face with a little smile. “It still smells like you,” Hanbin quietly confessed, breathing in the heavy, sweet scent of Chanwoo’s perfume.

“I think I still have your hoodie here, too.” Chanwoo didn’t want to go digging through his closet, but he knew it was there. And it still smelled like Hanbin, like Hanbin when he was laying on him and Chanwoo’s face was full of Hanbin’s hair, but he didn’t care because he smelled his perfume and somehow felt his heartbeat against his chest too. It smelled like those memories.

“Yeah, I was looking for that one when I was packing. It looks better on you than it did on me.”

“Really?”

“Well, it looked best on the floor, but-”

“Hanbin!” Chanwoo shushed him, seeing his roommate somewhere in the background. Although it did, Chanwoo always liked the mess they made when their clothes ended up all over the room. It just looked passionate. 

“You gave it to me, right? I didn’t just… Steal your shirt, no?”

“Yeah, I gave it to you. When… When I rip-”

“When you ripped my shirt, you !” They both laughed, Chanwoo felt himself blushing at the memory. Now that he had Hanbin in front of him, it was even easier to slip into those memories back again.

“You act like you wouldn’t do it again.”

“I would! Taking you to your first horror movie was a great honor, your highness.” And Chanwoo was a little taken back when Hanbin kept on talking about the takeout they had together after that and how they got soaked in the rain and not the night after that. And maybe his heart skipped a beat when he remembered them running to the subway, hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder. “I wish we’d get to do more.”

More. That resonated with Chanwoo. He wanted to do more, not go back to those times they were remembering. More, more, he wanted more, he wanted more memories and more of Chanwoo and more kisses and more laughs and more ty paintings he tried to do alongside with Hanbin and more and more-

He wished for more. Was there more to give and to take? He wanted more.

 

Chanwoo held up his phone, trying to position it so the camera would catch his best angle. He could feel his smile grow when Hanbin called him, and he could barely get out words when he finally saw Hanbin live on the screen.

He missed this. Not just Hanbin physically but… Just his whole essence. It was a little bit like the old times. They were laughing, smiling, joking, dreaming…

“Who’s that?” Chanwoo heard another voice from the phone. Another boy came up behind Hanbin and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, looking into the camera. He could see Hanbin got… Flustered. 

He sheepishly looked up at the other man. “Oh, just… Talking to an old friend,” he said, and there was a color to his voice. What was it? He introduced them and Chanwoo barely got the name. His brain went into autopilot while he felt his heart break. He was Hanbin’s roommate but-

Chanwoo’s mouth was talking, but his brain was whirling with thoughts.

An old friend.

To him, he’s just an old friend.

Hanbin sounded just as excited as before. He asked Chanwoo if he’s okay and he shushed him with a yeah, even before he could finish the question.

The call ended sooner than Chanwoo hoped but at the same time, dragged on for so long. He wanted to keep talking to Hanbin, but every time he saw that boy in the background, how he touched Hanbin’s shoulders and how Hanbin had that… That ing smile on his face. 

Old friends.

Forget. Forget, forget, forget. 

That look in Hanbin’s eyes. 

Forget, ing forget. Chanwoo pushed a pillow into his face, forget, forget, forget you saw that look when you were laying with him in the latest night, forget, . This is not the look for Chanwoo anymore. He started feeling like an intruder for… Even seeing such an intimate thing. 

Chanwoo hated that feeling. He hated knowing it’s all love he’s feeling. It’s all the love being shattered and burned and… And gone. 

He’s never said so many things he wanted to, now he wanted to yell them at the top of his lungs. He wished he could have the time back, the few seconds, some… Some courage to just say what he feels. What he couldn’t say back then. When he looked at Hanbin and felt so much, so much his soul barely held it all together.

If he said all that. What would be different now? Would they be lovers? Would they be strangers? He didn’t know, he couldn’t imagine. But the weight of those words unsaid was crushing him.

It wasn’t fair to Hanbin to let him know all those things now. But Chanwoo didn’t think it was fair that… This seemed just like nothing to Hanbin. 

And now, maybe he has someone different in his bed. And it’s not fair to either of them, to think about what could’ve been. 

God ing damn it, is he just imagining all this? Chanwoo groaned and threw the pillow he was holding on the other side of the bed. Was he? Was he seeing clues that weren’t there but his paranoid mind convinced him were?

 

 

Chanwoo tried to arrange the books on his table. He took the pile apart once again and arranged it by different criteria. He couldn’t choose which book to start with. He looked at his computer. Maybe he should practice some programming, find a new series to binge on. Junhoe couldn’t come over, and he desperately needed to diverge his attention elsewhere.

Now that he’s thinking about it, maybe he should clean out his closet. Or give the ukulele one more shot. He should do some school work, maybe he should organize his assignments, maybe he should do this, whatever, anything, he unwillingly played with his fingers.

Chanwoo had to keep his mind occupied. He decided he couldn’t keep thinking about Hanbin all the time and that… He had to think about himself. Think of anything else, just feel like a complete person once again. He despised the thought that somehow Hanbin made him feel complete. He needed to be there for himself.

Hanbin was a pleasure, not a necessity.

Go back to his hobbies. Pamper himself, work out, go out with someone, get lost in the woods, whatever to keep his busy thoughts in line. He went out and bought new books. But his thoughts were still too messy for him to sit down and read, even though he’s been keeping a few books for special occasions.

He couldn’t do anything he once loved to do. The anxiety that was slowly building up in him suddenly hit him all at once, making him aware of every inch of his skin. He wanted to do something but didn’t want to do anything at the same time. He had to do something, do something, let the energy out, but he needed to calm down first.

He tried the breathing exercises that once helped him, he grabbed the ukulele and strung the strings a few times, a few more times, and they let out sounds far from music, but his energy turned to this mess of notes made him feel better. He did it a few more times, just to get used to the strings once again. 

He thought about maybe buying an actual guitar, but doubted he’s got enough of a drive to actually learn how to play. He stuck with the tiny ukulele for the time being. He learned how to strum out a few simple melodies, and he wanted to learn some more, putting his overactive brain to use. 

He had a few songs in mind, he grabbed his phone to look for a few tutorials, but the moment he unlocked it, he got right back where he started from, on his newsfeed and a notification popped up. He saw that Hanbin posted a new photo and maybe… He didn’t want to check it. 

Hanbin hasn’t replied to his text in a few days. He knew he was making a big deal out of this, he knew these were high school problems but… Something in him was bitter about Hanbin not giving him back the attention he used to or his messages being left on open. Hanbin said he was busy and swamped with schoolwork, barely replying or caring about Chanwoo. 

When they did get in contact, it was mostly all about Hanbin’s new friends and what a great time he’s having, and Chanwoo almost felt back at square one, almost like they were back at the coffee shop where they met, but Hanbin never paid attention to him. Their texting was becoming sparse and their calls rarer, sometimes Chanwoo thought Hanbin didn’t want to talk to him.

He knew he was most likely making all this up. He scrolled up, playing the video Hanbin posted, him and a few new people enjoying a night out. Chanwoo felt his stomach drop as soon as he saw Hanbin’s face. That damned face. He knew the feelings would come rushing back. He looked so good, with that bright smile on his face. Chanwoo couldn’t help but notice one of the guys’ arms around Hanbin’s waist and Chanwoo felt almost idiotic thinking about it for more than two seconds.

But he did because his mind just didn’t let it go. He wondered whether he should snoop more, scrolling up to see if Hanbin posted anything on his story feed. He did. 

Don’t open it, don’t show him you’re keeping up with his life, don’t be too curious, Chanwoo told himself.

But he was too curious.

He saw Hanbin dancing with the boy, singing along to the song in the club together, laying his head on his shoulder and taking drinks. Chanwoo froze a little. 

His feelings were so mixed, he was feeling hurt, jealous, numb, embarrassed at the same time. He was embarrassed he was even giving this a second thought. He shouldn’t, he knew it wasn’t any of his business. But in the corner of his soul, he knew he wouldn’t just let go.

Why did he feel so protective over something that was never his?

 

 

Chanwoo drunkenly stumbled into the wet grass and looked at the rocky sidewalk, separating him from the rest of the city. He didn’t know how they ended up in the city park. Junhoe sat on the pavement next to him, rambling about whatever. Chanwoo was still a little out of it, his ears and stomach recovering from the beats of the club.

The stupid jacket he had on was barely keeping him warm, but he looked really hot in it and… Whatever, he thought it’d serve him well in the club. 

Guess it did.

He still felt the guy’s perfume on him. He didn’t know whether he should feel glad he put himself out there, feel like a , feel sad he had to resort to these measures or… Or what. He didn’t know.

“Are you okay?” Chanwoo looked to his side and slowly fell back into the grass. He didn’t know. The grass was cold but somehow comforting. Junhoe was kicking small rocks back and forth.

“I guess,” Hanbin sighed, looking up at the sky. He couldn’t see much, just some clouds and it was all spinning. Or maybe he was spinning. He still felt the guy’s perfume on him. The guy he made out with in a quiet corner of the club. The guy he wanted to use as… As some kind of an affirmation, he was over Hanbin. 

Or… He wanted to use him to get over Hanbin. It was a mess, such a mess, Chanwoo dragged Junhoe into the club with a clear mission in mind. Go out, have fun, find a hookup, feel better.

Except it felt kinda wrong, he knew he was putting up a front, he knew he was only putting on a mask and taking videos and taking shots just… Jesus, just so Hanbin would see? At the moment, it seemed like a good idea. Now, it seems pathetic. He never thought he’d be this person, trying to convince himself and the world that- What was he trying to do? He knew how he could barely look at Hanbin when they met at the coffee shop. 

And now he was checking the people who viewed his story feed, pretending he wasn’t looking for Hanbin’s name but quietly making sure he saw the photos and videos of him having fun and- 

What was he doing? Trying to make Hanbin jealous? Or try to show him he could go out and find a hookup too? What was he trying to achieve by getting drunk in a club and grinding on one of Junhoe’s friends? 

Maybe it made him feel a little better, that someone showed interest in him, whatever, he just couldn’t stomach himself doing all this for the wrong reasons, to affirm something wrong in himself. Sure, it was nice how they danced and how they made out and how someone grabbed him like that again and seemed to want him, but- God, he didn’t know whether it was worth it. In the end, he was still thinking of Hanbin.

“You don’t seem like it,” Junhoe threw a dandelion into Chanwoo’s face.

They started out as friends. 

Did they?

They never drew the line. Hanbin was never… his. Maybe that was a mistake. But… But Chanwoo was in Hanbin’s bed almost every other night. He was there, and he heard his most intimate thoughts and feelings and felt him and his body and his soul, and it didn’t feel like… Like something you share with just anybody.

Hanbin didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t do anything right, either. Chanwoo thought he was just picking and choosing the worst things to feel and think about from this whole situation. It hurt. 

He didn’t know… He didn’t know if he should miss him, if he should feel hurt, if he should forget. What does he do? He looked at his phone. Text him? No.

He missed him more than he thought he could, or maybe he missed someone caring and wanting and smiling at him like Hanbin did. Did he miss Hanbin or did he miss the way Hanbin made him feel? Does he actually miss him or is he just… Bored?

He thought back at the times they shared and… And how Hanbin was everything and more. Maybe that was a warning sign. Heaven doesn’t come without conditions.

He found what he was looking for. Right in front of him. And then… Then he left. He tried to make sense of the last few months. He couldn’t, he could back then. Back then it seemed so simple, when Hanbin was just a few streets away and he didn’t need to think about this bull, because they’d have fun and go out and it almost felt like a relationship but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a question of whether he should talk about how he feels about Hanbin, it was a question of when.

His mind wouldn’t stay at peace. They both took too much, and he wondered if they gave enough. They took and took, and maybe there was nothing left to give, and that’s why he felt so torn apart.

“I’m such a ing mess,” Chanwoo whispered, rubbing his eyes to somehow make the tears that ended up dwelling in there go away. , he’s crying because of him. This is pathetic. He was so confused about what he was actually feeling, he only knew he was crying, he didn’t know why, he’s crying because of a boy and that’s so sad. “And I’m so ing mad.”

“Because of Hanbin?” Junhoe cautiously asked, softly moving the ripped flower across Chanwoo’s face. He nodded, his hands still on his eyes, rubbing harder and harder. His nose burned while he tried to keep the tears from falling, but he knew the confusion and anger and useless thoughts had to come out somehow. “Still haunting your mind?”

He was. “Can you believe I’m crying in the middle of a park because of a man who isn’t my man when I should be getting my rock worled by that smokeshow in the club?”

“World rocked?”

“And I’m drunk, also, .”

“We drank a-... A lot,” Junhoe slurred the last part, blaming Chanwoo for the amount of alcohol he poured into him. He was glad to see Chanwoo crawl out of his shell, but he realized soon it was the alcohol and anger talking. It wasn’t in Hanbin’s nature to be the star of the group, though he admired the faked confidence.

Chanwoo had barely any idea what’s going on between Chanwoo and Hanbin .“Crying because of a boy is o-”

“I don’t know if I’m crying because of him, Junhoe. Like-... It knowing I made this into something it should… Shouldn’t be and never was. I’m pissed at him for… I don’t know. I’m just pissed. And pissed at myself for thinking we could be anything. I mean why would someone like him want to be with someone like me?”

And that’s when Junhoe stuck his finger over Chanwoo’s mouth, to stop him from telling lies. “That’s bull, buddy,” he whispered, dragging the flower over his drunk friend’s face. He hated hearing Chanwoo talk down on himself like that. Hanbin was privileged to get to know Chanwoo. He was lucky to get to know him so personally. Chanwoo’s arguments of how Hanbin was so charismatic and flirty and out there and Chanwoo was- Well, a geek, an insider, whatever. Those arguments didn’t stand a chance.

Chanwoo wasn’t sure if it was the truth or if his mind was playing stupid tricks again and he begged his brain to let go of Hanbin. 

“Wanna know why I dragged you here?”

“Mhm.”

“Because I was doing fine. I was doing well. I went out with people, I took care of myself, I painted some ugly paintings, I played video games. And then Hanbin called again, after like three weeks of not texting. I was over him.”

“Were you?”

“I thought I was. But he called me with… With the same smile and tone we… He used-... God, I can’t explain it, just-... Ugh, he called and said my name and my feelings came rushing in like a… Like something that rushes in. I thought I was over him and now I feel like I’m going crazy and- See his good night texts and good morning texts and can’t even go to sleep or or go to the shower without thinking about that son of a again.”

Junhoe nodded his head, he didn’t know exactly how Chanwoo felt, but he could very well imagine. 

“I- At the beginning, I tried to build a wall. That this is about hooking up and nothing else, that he’s just a one-night stand. And then he pushed me against that wall and kissed me and made me feel like- Wanted and safe and I’m so caught up in this whirlwind of emotions-”

“Whoa, you sound like… You overdosed on a little vitamin Hanbin.”

“He’s not a vitamin, he’s like a drug and I know how good that drug makes me feel. And every time I try to detox, I somehow think to myself well, this would be better with Hanbin or hmm, Hanbin would like this or some and-”

“Why didn’t-t you tell him how you feel? Maybe… He could’ve been, maybe, your drug of choice.”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like… Like there should be any feelings between us. We slept together. Bing, bong, now I’m sad because I overthink. I wanted to tell him when… He was here but… It doesn’t feel like the right place and what if he has so-”

“Shh,” Junhoe finally put the flower on Chanwoo’s lips to stop his rambling. “I’m starting to feel guilty.”

“No, man. No… Why?”

“Well… Maybe I should’ve warned you? Or- I mean I know him and… There’s nothing wrong with him, you know. He’s great. And you two seemed to really hit it off and seemed like a great fit and always talked so sweet about each other-”

“Love is so ing dumb.”

“You said love.”

“Because it’s dumb.”

“But there’s a lot of love out there. For hobbies and learning and new stuff and new people. I mean sure, if he makes you feel like you’re flying, I’m glad. But if you’re having so- So much much trouble with this, is love worth it?”

“You talk so much more sense when you’re tipsy, you know?”

“So, I’ll call up the guy from the club and give him your number tomorrow,” Junhoe slurred and Chanwoo couldn’t help but laugh. Yeah, maybe he shouldn’t have left the club so soon. But he didn’t feel good about himself. Making out with him felt… It felt kinda mechanic and he really wished he would’ve been out there more but-

But Junhoe was right. 

Maybe after tonight, he could fully indulge himself in guilt-free hookups. He could kiss and smile and hold someone different and not think about him. “I mean if I weren’t-... The way I am, sure, I wouldn’t be exclusive with him, at least in the beginning but… , you know how I am, you know me. I won’t change. Maybe I was just meant to fall for guys like him.”

Hanbin was hurting Chanwoo and though… Though it was selfish and mean and petty, he hoped he was hurting him a little too.

 

His phone beeped. Chanwoo wondered whether he should check the message or not. He was curious, but his thoughts were stirred into a storm again. He grabbed the phone laying on the far side of his bed and his stomach sank when he saw Hanbin’s name. He cursed, cursed Hanbin for even sending him a message at 2 AM, himself for even picking up the phone.

Chanwoo didn’t see the message. He turned off the feature just… Just because he didn’t want to see his messages as soon as he turned his phone on. He even thought about deleting the whole app. He liked the idea of Hanbin still thinking about him and messaging him. But he hated that Hanbin made it so hard to forget him. Just when… When things were looking better, he knew when to step in. ‘Hanbin sent you a message.’

‘went to a music shop today and found a vinyl you were talking about

‘we should call sometime soon’

‘hope you’re doing well’

‘i want to hear you, it’s so empty without you here

’i miss you so ing much

Chanwoo stared at the messages, prominently standing under a few of Hanbin’s messages Chanwoo never got round to reply to. 

I miss you.

He stared at the last message for a few minutes before laying back down and dragging the blanket back up. He needed something heavy on him. His phone was still shining into his face, and his eyes were still looking at the message.

I miss you so much.

He his side. The phone was still glowing into his face. What does he do now? He tried to… Not think about Hanbin. About Hanbin and how he used to lay beside him or- No. He’s not going there this time. 

I miss you.

What does it even mean? He was overthinking, he was overthinking again, thinking for what seemed hours, looking at the three words and trying to figure out the whole scene that played when Hanbin sent the message. Was he missing… A friend? Most likely. Yeah, a friend. That’s what they are. Old friends.

But do old friends text each other at 2 AM, missing each other? Was this more sentimental? Was it supposed to be... Was it supposed to make Chanwoo miss him too? What, what, what does it mean?

Chanwoo looked at the line in the answer bubble, appearing and disappearing again. What now. What… Now.

‘please don’t waste my time.’

Chanwoo looked at the unsent message, imagining what Hanbin’s reaction would be. He didn’t think Hanbin was wasting his time. He knew it was his own fault, for letting him… For letting himself get feelings where feelings… Maybe feelings weren’t supposed to be. He knew he wouldn’t let Hanbin go. He hated how he didn’t let himself just forget.

He deleted the message.

‘I miss you too.’

Does he? Yeah, he does. He misses Hanbin. Chanwoo knew he’d be over the moon if Hanbin came back. He knew he’d forget about the hurt and the doubt and the sleepless nights, just to… Just to see him and hear him and feel him. And then they’d say goodbye, and he’d hate himself again for letting this happen once again. 

He’d resent him, he’d see him, melt into his smile and forget about all… About all the bad things he thinks he’d done.

He deleted the message.

He knew Hanbin saw the message as read. The line appeared and disappeared. Up and again. He locked his phone and threw it on the other side of the bed. Now’s time to sleep. Now’s not the time to dream. About what could be.