What did I do? Chanwoo didn’t even know how he agreed to this. The night was cold, his coat barely warmed him. His cheeks stung with the cold and his carefully crafted hair a mess, he presumed. He missed the days of just putting on a beanie and calling it a day. Thankfully, the walk to the gallery wasn’t far from Junhoe’s car.

“How did we get so old? I finished college a year ago and I’m already spending my Friday evenings in a gallery?” And Chanwoo couldn’t do more but laugh because he thought the same. But he promised he’d come and he promised himself he’d bring Chanwoo so he has someone to tell snarky jokes about the paintings to. Because, after all, they were still relatively fresh out of college.

 Chanwoo thought a little culture would be a good way to spend the evening. They almost missed the gallery when they passed by it but looking in through the big glass windows, there were already a lot of people inside. Chanwoo wasn’t even sure what the exhibition was about. But there was something about… Something special about coming in the opening night.

But the sheer amount of people, Chanwoo felt a little uneasy. Just- Just because he knows how he is. He hoped Junhoe would stay close because he doesn’t know anyone else and also they were running a little late. 

He hoped all eyes wouldn’t be on them, barging in at- Oh no, it looks like the presenting artists are already opening the exposition and his eyes stayed glued on one of the speakers for a while until Junhoe pulled him in. 

“I know nothing about the art scene here,” Chanwoo complained to Junhoe while he searched through the brochures by the entrance, frantically looking for one about tonight’s evening. 

“We’re here for emotional support, not critical acclaim of art.”

“Who are we here for again?”

“You don’t- I think you two have met in a club. You’ll know when you see him.” They managed to slither through the crowd to hear the last words from the artists, wishing them a pleasant viewing. Chanwoo tried to locate himself in the crowd of people. The gallery wasn’t too big, but with all these viewers, it felt cozy. He’s never been to a gallery opening and- Oh, what does he do? Does he mingle with the people here? But he doesn’t know anything about art. , he’s stressing out again. Okay, okay, he’ll go with Junhoe and let him guide the uncultured exhibition. 

‘Coming home in search of glory’. Chanwoo couldn’t exactly tell what it meant, just that the gallery gathered the artists from this city who-... Moved away? He didn’t know, but it was nice to see work from people who lived here. Maybe some of it would feel familiar, he'd perhaps recognize some of the places or some of the names.

He hung close to Junhoe and skimmed the paintings. They’ll come back to them later. Where do they even start? Chanwoo wanted to maybe get lost in the art. He looked close and wondered if some of them were actually paintings and then realized he doesn’t know much about the painting process.

It sounded simple and maybe dumb, but he liked to see the brush and thick paint layered on a painting. It made the art piece feel more intimate, how you saw where the artist placed his brush and where he dabbed the paint and- Chanwoo realized Junhoe was nowhere to be found.

He heard him mention something about going to find a friend but… Chanwoo only gave him an absent nod and continued studying the paintings. He ignored the price tags, he knew he wasn’t there to buy anything. 

Suddenly the gallery seemed so large and all the people mingling seemed so distant. Chanwoo thought the only place he could go to were the paintings. He only appreciated them as a stranger, as a spectator, but they still spoke to him. 

He passed the sketches of faces and buildings, the tiny and the huge canvas with his hands held behind his back. The whole world was tuned out. He didn’t have anything to add anyway. He stopped by a corner, studying another bunch of art. One caught his attention, he wasn’t sure why.

He looked at it closely, finding a face in the mix of blue and red and yellow and green and it seemed so familiar, he searched his mind left and right. After a bit of looking, he found the water in the background and it seemed a little clearer, but he still didn’t recognize the boy in the middle until it felt like he was looking in a mirror and-

“Life finds a way, huh?” he heard a voice from behind, and his body reacted before his mind could. It almost felt like needles poked his spine, his stomach practically retracting back inside. Chanwoo looked at the author of the painting and then at the voice that was speaking to him.

And then he saw Hanbin after years.

Years.

And it felt like both, centuries and days at the same time.

Chanwoo wasn’t sure what to do, what to say, what to feel. His thoughts and feelings suddenly went through all the seasons he missed with Hanbin and- Oh, God. He didn’t know. All that he couldn’t say or show mustered up into a shy smile, the same smile he had on when Hanbin first sat by him in the coffee shop because, in a way, this was almost like meeting for the first time. “It sure does.”

And the world started melting away just like it did when they talked for the first time and Chanwoo wasn’t sure if he wanted to live through this again. The anxiety and uneasiness of not knowing what to talk about, of standing there with a complete stranger.

Was Hanbin a stranger to him now? He knew so much about him, though. He knew about his little joys and fears and how he stacks his pillows and Hanbin knew the same about him, and that’s not something strangers know about each other. But at the same time, he didn’t know who he was now. Even Chanwoo wasn’t the same person he was years ago. 

Was Hanbin the Hanbin he still held in his memories? The Hanbin who jumped into his thoughts on rainy nights? Those were his comfort thoughts, he didn’t know if he wanted to ruin them. Who was Hanbin? Who was he, what are his fears and his favorite stories and how does this Hanbin like to stack his pillows? 

He hated to admit it but Hanbin standing there with a smile made his knees buckle just like when they first started to get to know each other. It was strange and weird and unexpectedly nice. All the memories and nights and days came rushing back in just from one question, and he wasn’t sure if Hanbin would make him feel like a dumb and young like in the movies. 

“Maybe I should read the tags better, next time.” Chanwoo tried to lighten the mood because it felt heavy with maybe expectations of what will be of this conversation. 

His hands were still behind his back, and he wished he was holding a glass of wine and a notebook just like Hanbin because he didn’t know what else to do with them. He became uncomfortably aware of his body, just like when they first met, and suddenly he didn’t know how to stand or where to look just because Hanbin- Just because of Hanbin.

Chanwoo noticed how he was looking at the painting, maybe almost waiting for Chanwoo to say something about it. But he didn’t, he stayed silent but noticed Hanbin already sold the painting and wondered why he’s talking to him instead of mingling with whatever other people were here.

The conversation was shy and timid, almost like they were too afraid to talk to each other again, never asking anything that would reach beneath the surface, and Chanwoo asked if Hanbin’s back in town. And he wasn’t, at least he didn’t know yet. Chanwoo didn’t know whether to feel relieved or not, he wanted to see more of Hanbin, and he cursed that, but his stupid feelings kept speaking up when they were supposed to be silent again. He wished that years ago he had kissed him and forgotten but he guessed that’s not what had happened.

And they talked just like distant strangers do, and Chanwoo hated they got to the point, he realized where they were, when he wondered if they were in, dare he say, love and now they’re hopping around each other, afraid to ask or say. 

Chanwoo took a silent breath. “We should really catch up sometime.” He didn’t know why he asked, it flew out. Even if it was what he wanted to ask, he was afraid of both answers. Yes, because he was worried what was already laid to sleep would come back and no, because then the nights he spent awake would mean nothing.

“Absolutely, yeah! Um, actually, my friend’s opening his restaurant next Thursday. Maybe you could come as my plus one?” 

“Sounds good!”

“Great, great. So… 7 at our old bus stop?” Chanwoo saw that old cheeky smile even years later, and it brought back so much familiarity, it was almost like they were back in his old college house. He just nodded and wished Hanbin a successful opening. 

That was it, that was the talk, and it felt empty and careful, but Chanwoo wasn’t surprised. He just wanted to find Junhoe soon so he could just say what he really thinks and when he found him, he didn’t hold back. “Junhoe, I am so ing stupid.”

“What happened this time?”

“I met Hanbin-”

“Oh, no.”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“And we’re having dinner next Thursday,” Chanwoo whisper-yelled at his friend while they were making their way out of the gallery, he hoped the cold air would sober him up. He didn’t want to see Hanbin until he figured out how he really felt. Why did he ask him to catch up, well- Yeah, he wanted to know how he’s been doing, but it turned into a fancy dinner so quick.

He was afraid he’d start having thoughts- Thoughts he didn’t want to have, if Hanbin came back into his life and he was worried he won’t be able to get Hanbin off of his mind because- , because that’s just the way Hanbin is. Something Chanwoo thought he desperately wanted but never had and… 

“I want to call you an idiot but- God, whatever. Maybe it’s nothing! Maybe you’ll just talk and… and it’ll be great.”

Chanwoo didn’t know, but he hoped and maybe he hoped for a bit more and maybe for a bit less.

 

 

“Well, tell me! How was it?” Chanwoo leaned back in the chair and barely noticed the wine set in front of them. It was hard to see anything else than Hanbin, as stupid as that sounded, and Chanwoo was suddenly reminded of what captured him about Hanbin the most. 

And he was also reminded about the anxiety of younger years, when he used to stand in front of the mirror and fix the most minor details about himself and worry about the date. Not that this was a date. He didn’t know, was it? No, it wasn’t. But it almost felt like all the way back then, when tonight he stood by the mirror and wondered which shirt to wear and played with the buttons and his hair and looked at himself for maybe too long. 

Chanwoo wondered if he changed during those years. He wondered if Hanbin changed and he wondered how… He wondered about tonight. He got the same nervous feel that clouded his thoughts a bit, and they came and went quicker. He didn’t feel ready to meet him again and possibly be reminded of what he fought so long to forget. 

But here he was.

His mind went where he forbade it, he thought about what if tonight was something more, but it was a dumb thought, and he smiled a bit. It wasn’t. It wasn’t anything more or anything less. 

Running up the stairs to meet Hanbin at the bus stop, he was already waiting there, running up and seeing the same scenery and feeling almost the same things. He thought of how he used to run up when Hanbin was still here and how he’d run up and they’d share a little kiss, and he wondered if that’s something casual hookups just do. 

He never found an answer to that one, but it was so sweet, he didn’t even try in fear he’d take the magic away. It was a great time. When Chanwoo didn’t think about all the hurt and pining that came after that, it was a great time. It almost felt like he was lost in a haze of love or something stupid like what he’d come up with on the bus and-... But it was nice. He was in a place where he could remember it fondly and smile and maybe wish he could go through something like that with another person again.

Because as much as he tried and as much as he looked, no one was like Hanbin. Not that they were soulmates or he didn’t fall for anyone in the meantime or that he didn’t smile and kiss and love but… No one made him crazy about life and mad about love and ready to have his heart broken just like Hanbin did. 

“The short version or the long one?”

“The longest.” He twisted the glass between his fingers and took the seconds of silence to look around the restaurant and out the window and admire the city once again. He didn’t remember when was the last time he was ready to drown in those city lights.

Chanwoo listened to Hanbin speak and it was like the whole world could’ve just disappeared, and he wouldn’t have noticed. He hung on every word he said but sometimes- Sometimes he’d lose focus and look at his face instead, he’d look at his eyes and he’d study him like a painting and he thought Hanbin was the only painting he fully understood. Where he remembered every detail but still- He still admired each little thing and every brushstroke with such fondness.

He was so quickly reminded of who Hanbin was and who Hanbin was to him, and to him only. Hanbin hasn’t changed. Maybe a little more mature, maybe he smiled a little less and maybe he considered the words he said a little more. But he hasn’t changed.

And it made Chanwoo worried because… Because exactly this Hanbin made him fall in love so madly and- God, he can’t keep thinking about this. Can he just get his head screwed on better next time? It always popped in his mind, and he shushed it and continued listening to Hanbin’s story.

He was kinda sad he wasn’t with Hanbin through all that. Because he would’ve loved to hear about his time when he was away, about all the new things and the things that stayed the same, about the paintings he made and pictures he took, about the people he met and things he felt. 

“I can’t believe they trusted you with curating an exhibition. A whole exhibition!”

“I guess I have an eye for the good stuff,” Hanbin sighed and leaned back. He eyed Chanwoo up and down and gave him a little wink. Like he sometimes did. “I mean I’ve always had an eye for the good stuff.”

Chanwoo wasn’t sure whether to blush or laugh or kick him under the table. It made him realize that- Oh, oh he missed this. He didn’t even dare to wish he’d see Hanbin again and… And here they are, at dinner and- And oh, it was a great dot at the end of their relationship. Or- No, no it was. Stop, God- Stop, Chanwoo told himself mentally. Enjoy the moment, forget at home. That’s it. “You’re so dumb.”

Hanbin laughed at Chanwoo’s sour face when he took a sip of the wine. “I almost forgot how much you hate it.”

“I mean… I only ever drank it when we cooked.”

“You always took it like a champ.”

“You prepared everything so nicely, I didn’t have the heart to say no.”

And they didn’t stop talking and laughing and reminiscing until it was time to leave and give the boy Chanwoo didn’t know a clap for the great opening. And it was, maybe not for the reasons he thought but they couldn’t have left the place feeling better.

Chanwoo started to wonder what now. It wasn’t too late but- He looked at the pier where the flickering lights caught his eye. He looked at the fair going on, the little stands and giant Ferris wheel that came each year, and they didn’t even realize it was that time of the year again.

“Should we?” Hanbin asked and Chanwoo took a second to agree. He didn’t want his evening with Hanbin to end just yet. Not… Not just yet. He knew the night held something, he didn’t know what it was, it was something in the air and in the water. The night held something and it waited, and he was anxious to see. 

“For old time’s sake?” Chanwoo smiled and felt his cheeks hurt a little, just a little when Hanbin grabbed him by the sleeve of his jacket and then held his hand just so he wouldn’t lose him in the crowd. Maybe, he told himself that. But Hanbin was close, once again. Once again.

It was familiar, but familiar like a dream he once had. It was almost like the time they just met and he didn’t even remember Hanbin’s name back then and now… He’s here with him again, but he knows how he likes his tea, the way he likes to kiss and how he hates long movies, and how he sometimes doesn’t let paint dry because he gets impatient. He feels like he knows everything about him and his mind is so occupied with the sight of Hanbin at the fair, Chanwoo never realizes that his heart is beating just as fast- Just as fast as it did the first time.

“You know I never liked the pier until…” Chanwoo moved the little raspberry around in the sweet syrup. He already had Hanbin’s number, he didn’t have anything to trade for Hanbin’s cinnamon pancakes. But he knew him well enough to just steal one and trade it for a sweet smile. That worked, that always seemed to work on him.

“Until I showed you these pancakes?’

“I wanted to say until I went with you but- You know what, sure. That’s even better.”

“I mean they’re great but they’re not ‘boyfriend’ great.” And Chanwoo had to take a moment to think about the word boyfriend and then look at Hanbin to see in what context he meant it. Was it a joke? Was it a slip of tongue or-

He didn’t know, but the moment he saw Hanbin’s face illuminated in all the changing colors again, he forgot about the question. He was reminded of all the good, all the perfect- All of Hanbin that sometimes kept him awake because… , because he had so many feelings just brewing inside him, he guessed. He looked at him and cursed them for coming back after just one night. 

“Are you… Are you staying here?” Or are you going away again? That’s the part he didn’t dare to say. He was worried it might come true that way. … , here it was all over again. Chanwoo bit his lip, , okay, okay, he couldn’t deny it to himself without feeling like an idiot. He loved Hanbin, he loved him, and he was stupid and dumb for it but he couldn’t fight with whatever senseless feelings he had, he saw Hanbin and he saw everything in him that he saw years ago and- 

And he still hated it could’ve been his but never was.

 Hanbin leaned on the railing, his head falling backwards. Chanwoo almost overheard the little sigh. “It… Depends.”

“So I might never see you again?” And thinking about it a second time, seeing Hanbin go away for a second time and possibly- Possibly forever… Chanwoo turned his look away from him, looking over the sea instead. The sides of his nose burned, , they burned so much when he tried to keep the tears in. Never see him again. That… He didn’t know what to think.

Hanbin turned around and stepped even closer to Chanwoo, he didn’t even realize their shoulders were touching until he looked up and saw Hanbin’s face just… Just a few inches away from his. Never see that face again. “Depends on what?”

And Hanbin looked at him and Chanwoo thought he couldn’t fall even more for him but- He looked into Hanbin’s eyes and he searched for something and he learned how to read them quite well. At first, he saw lust and need, and it was a little selfish of Hanbin, but that’s what they were. They were together to be selfish and take and satisfy themselves. 

And now he looked, he searched and he saw something he didn’t dare to even call the L-word, he didn’t dare but that’s what he saw and he looked at his face and, and… And his thoughts were in complete shambles because of the stupid yearning look in Hanbin’s eyes and his stupid sad face and- “I don’t know.”

If Chanwoo learned anything in the past few years, it was how to be brave. A little braver. He knew that everything could’ve been different if… If he wasn’t afraid of ruining things back then. He wondered if this is the time to be brave. Would anything change? 

And the yellow veil of light that fell on Hanbin convinced Chanwoo. What does he have to lose? If he never saw Hanbin again, he’d at least… At least like to know. He needed to know. He didn’t want to be caught in the limbo of what could’ve been.

Did he dare? 

“Can we be honest for a moment?” Chanwoo looked over the quiet sea and the cold air made him feel braver. Hanbin leaned on the railing and the fair colors danced all around and they felt like they just met all over again.

“I think we can try.”

“Do-” And Chanwoo contemplated bringing this up. He felt nervous again. But he knew- He needed to know and if he never met Hanbin again… “Do you think we were ever… Something more?”

“More?”

“More than… A few hookups.”

“At first? No. I mean, I thought it was just , nothing more. I was still… You know, going out and- I don’t know, I never put down a line.” And that felt like a knife stabbed into Chanwoo’s heart but before he could give it a second thought, before he could come up with a thousand sad lines to say, he saw that Hanbin wasn’t done talking, that he was thinking about something, maybe if he should tell him, he knew the look in his eyes and there was a glimmer of hope, maybe, maybe- “...And then… And then in every person I kissed and in every person I slept with I-... I tried to find you and that drove me insane. Because I… Was looking for someone I… Um… I Never really had.”

Chanwoo thought he wanted to know. He knew. He knew he wanted to know. But now that he heard it- He heard it from Hanbin, and he didn’t know what to do. So… So they were in love. What now? What now, what now, what now? It didn’t change anything except his heart somewhat melting with the fact that someone… Someone like Hanbin was in love with him. Used to be. Used to be in love. God, it- Sounds stupid. Love sounds stupid.

“We’re idiots.”

“Why?”

“Hm, we were in lov-”

“No, please. No, don’t say that, pl-”

“Oh, I-... Why? I’m sorry, I…”

“No, it’s- Because when you say- When you say we were in love… It means you felt something for me too, and I don’t think I can bear the reality of us, back then, both being in… In love and… And not loving each other like we deserved to.”

Chanwoo looked over at him. He wanted to kiss him, so ing bad it almost hurt. We deserve it, we deserve to love and- Hanbin kept looking at the sea. There was still a lot on his mind. Chanwoo desperately searched for words to say, but he was so bad with words. Even years later, they’re still not over each other and he felt ecstatic but also devastated that… They couldn’t change the past, they could only talk and smile and imagine what could be different.

Maybe their love was in the past. 

“I wanted so badly to find something… That would justify ending this. I wanted you to hurt me, ruin me, to up, to break it off because I couldn’t.” Hanbin still didn’t dare to look at Chanwoo. And Chanwoo still didn’t dare to interrupt him. “And I tried to stop thinking about you and forget you and… And I didn’t think I ever could, I’d find your shirt or listen to one of our songs and- And I’d text you how much I ing missed you.” 

Hanbin rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair, and Chanwoo was reliving all the feelings from then, it may’ve been long ago, but , it still felt so fresh, like they broke things off a few days ago and… He thought Hanbin felt the same. Did he? He hoped, he was almost certain. 

Chanwoo turned to Hanbin, he took a step towards him to- He didn’t know, to convince him or comfort him or kiss him but he didn’t notice the one plank in the way. He stumbled in his steps and wished all the planks in the world would just die and suffer. The world slowed a little and he was fully expecting to hit the ground until Hanbin caught him in just the right time.

Chanwoo looked up with those scared eyes and only saw his saviour. He wasn’t sure why his heart was beating so fast, if it was the fall or Hanbin’s arms around him once again. He fixed his coat and coughed a little to diffuse the situation. “Right, thanks. Back… Back to our topic, um… I guess we liked to ruin each other then. You know… The times with you... Were worth every heartbreak.”

And he heard Hanbin laugh a little, but it sounded sad at the same time. “They were.” But Hanbin’s eyes were planted on something on the ground and he reached down and held up a pair of keys.

“Oh my God, those are… Mine,” Chanwoo wanted to disappear and tried to snatch them from Hanbin but he didn’t let him. He was still studying the keychains and- Okay, yeah, he’s twenty-something but still has keychains, he felt a little dumb at the moment.

“Is… Is that Zapdos?”

And Chanwoo thought he’d jump over the railing himself. He did, he knew the pier had the power to put them in the most awkward situations. Yes, that was a ing Zapdos keychain.

“Yeah.” Chanwoo took his keys back and tucked them back into his coat. And he saw how Hanbin couldn’t hold back his smile and shake his head and it was really nice, Chanwoo had to admit but- Oh, this wasn’t the right time for this.

“You know, Hanbin, if I were a little more selfish… I think I should be, but- If I were, I’d tell you about how we can still work it out and love like years ago and-”

“And we don’t know.”

“We don’t, right. And I don’t think another heartbreak like that would do us any good. ”

“Don’t… You want to be a little selfish?”

“I do. But I’m worried I’d hurt you and I’m worried you’d hurt me but- . You know what? getting hurt. Until today. Until today… I thought I was over you, I convinced myself. I really did, we were a memory, I was fine with that. It was a great memory. And then tonight… Tonight I remembered how easy it was to fall in love with you because I’m falling all over again and- I kinda hate you for that, you know? I hate how you stop all my rational thinking. You’ve always done that.”

Hanbin turned to him. And his expression spoke a thousand words he never could, it yelled at Chanwoo to chose his words carefully and- “Chanwoo, please,” he whispered and leaned his back against the railing again and held Chanwoo’s hand so lightly, he almost didn’t feel it and just now did Chanwoo realize how cold it was outside. He grabbed his hand back.

“Maybe you should wear something warmer next time.” And there was that pretty smile that made Chanwoo’s knees buckle every time and it made him think this is… That Hanbin is his own peace of heaven. 

“Chanwoo, I-”

“No-”

“No, listen. Chanwoo, listen, please, don’t give me this hope, please don’t make me dream about you again if this-... If this is just us spilling our guts. If I-... If there’s no hope for us loving each other.”

“I- I’m n-” Chanwoo whispered, and it felt like Hanbin took the words out of his mouth and his brain was struggling to come up with anything to say. Just ing do it, he told himself. Do it, ing do it. And he looked at Hanbin and the yellow light shone on him again and Chanwoo wondered if this is the time-

Because the lights were here the first time they met. And they were here when they met for the first time after longing for each other for years and he wondered if the lights are here again the first time they allow themselves to love and be loved and-

Chanwoo kissed Hanbin, with all he had, he mustered the courage and he held his face and it felt different than all the kisses before, it felt real and raw and he didn’t want to ever stop, ever, he wanted to feel Hanbin’s breath on his cheek and his hand fairly on his arm- He felt like he was going crazy again, crazy in love like before, his heart beating out of his chest and his hands shaking a bit and his lips and cheeks feeling hot and sweet and he knew Hanbin was the only one who made him like this. 

Chanwoo rested his forehead against Hanbin’s and quickly wiped the one lonely tear that escaped and held his face and- He didn’t know what else to say or do. He felt so much love, he didn’t know what to do. “I promise it’s… I don’t want to let you go again.”

“Is this our beginning?” Hanbin barely whispered and just then did Chanwoo realize the whole world’s been spinning this whole time and it didn’t stop, it did for them, but the music from the fair seemed so loud suddenly and the whole so chaotic but- Not here, not with Hanbin. 

“It’s what we make it out to be.” Chanwoo held Hanbin’s hands higher and kissed his fingers before looking at the smudges and stains that all the painting left. They looked fresh and maybe the rain made them wet again and he wondered if he had some paint on his face. He didn’t care too much, though. It’s what they make it to be and… Chanwoo wanted to make it something they deserved and longed for and sunk into feeling loved and complete. 

And Hanbin kissed him again, Chanwoo felt him sigh into the kiss but then smile and smiling into a kiss was always Chanwoo’s favorite and he hoped, he wished it’d be his forever. He didn’t know but- With Hanbin here, with him, he was almost certain that this was their forever. He almost knew it was theirs, in red and yellow and green and blue.