He had to be more careful. 

His concentration was off. His mind was wandering and worrying even during his missions, focusing on anything but the successful passing of a soul. If he lost sight of his purpose for even a moment, it could mean losing a soul to demons, and if he let that happen too many times, he'd have to face the Divine Council and possibly no longer have to choose between immortality and mortality. 

He felt more relieved than usual to reach the Afterlife and greet Jonghyun with the new soul. Indeed, he was lucky this time, but luck wouldn't always be on his side. And anyway, he was an angel; he wasn't supposed to need luck to carry out his duties. He was created for this purpose and this purpose only. It was the one thing he had spent his entire existence doing, yet for some reason, it was feeling increasingly difficult to do.

It didn't help that Xiumin seemed to be taking notice more. He'd often find him waiting by the gates when he returned with souls as if he were an Angel of Passing--except the way his mouth formed a frown and the way his arms were crossed over his chest made him look more like a demon. Kai knew Xiumin respected his dedication to his duty, but he was also an angel who strictly followed the boundaries set by the Divine Council, an angel of principle. He wouldn't hesitate to report him to the Council if he felt he was too distracted to fulfill his purpose. Kai wasn't sure if he was ready to give up his angel status for a mortal one yet, but he at least wanted to have the choice.

It had been a few moments since his last calling, so Kai decided it was a better time than ever to rest. However, the moment he laid down and closed his eyes, he felt a presence appear beside him. He kept his eyes shut as he exhaled and then opened them as he turned his head. 

"I'd really prefer if you didn't lecture me right now. This is the first moment of rest I've gotten all day," Kai said, moving his head back to its previous position.

"Rest is a luxury we can rarely afford, Kai," Xiumin said, walking closer and finally uncrossing his arms. 

Kai sighed again. "I'm painfully aware of that."

Xiumin didn't speak for a while, yet the younger angel could feel his gaze on him. "You have been abating your duties lately," he finally said, the words making Kai internally groan. "Others Angels of Death have begun to take notice. You are fortunate none of them have reported you to the Council yet."

Kai opened his eyes and turned his head to the elder angel. "I'm also aware of that."

"If you know then do better," Xiumin said with a certain sharpness in his voice that seemed to cut Kai a little. "You have one job. If you are not capable of doing it well, perhaps you should consider a different path."

The angel sighed and sat up, hunching his back over as he looked down. "I'll do better," he said quietly after a while, shamefully looking at Xiumin. "I'm sorry."

The elder angel visibly exhaled, but Kai didn't recall hearing the sound. "I care for you, Kai, and I know you care deeply about your duties. I have seen it with my own eyes." Kai looked away and dropped his head. Xiumin, recognizing the expression on his face, softened his own expression. "I try not to acknowledge it often, but I do understand how having only one purpose for existing can make you yearn for other experiences--such as love."

Kai noticed how his voice had become softer, causing him to lift his head up again. "Is that what happened to you?" he inquired. Xiumin's expression became slightly surprised, so Kai was expecting to be scolded for asking such a personal question. However, after briefly looking away, Xiumin began to speak.

"Another angel had recently exchanged their angel status for a life of mortality. I was considering it myself, but much like you, I was hesitant. My curiosity was strong, but so was my fear. I didn't believe I had a good enough reason to give everything I knew up." He took a moment to pause, swallowing and quickly sighing before continuing. "Then I fell in love with a human. The feelings I felt for them were so intense that I was sure they wouldn't go away...that two beings who had such an intense attraction to each other couldn't possibly grow apart." The angel's face seemed to harden then, probably because of the bittersweet memories he was recalling. He moved his eyes to Kai, the usual sharp and strict look in his eyes back. "But we did. I was prepared to give up my entire existence for them, but they weren't prepared to do the same for me. It didn't matter that we shared several moments of what I still believe was genuine love, not in the end. I don't regret falling in love, but I do regret every moment I considered trading in a life of purpose and certainty for something as fragile as human love."

The younger angel sighed and looked away. "I understand that, I do, and I empathize with you," he said, slowly beginning to meet Xiumin's eyes again. "But how am I to know if our story will turn out like that if I don't stick around and find out? The only sense of certainty I have anymore is that I will lose him if I can't decide, and right now, that thought makes my entire body ache so painfully. And maybe I'll turn out like you, full of so much regret and sorrow that I can no longer find joy in anything. If that's the case, I'd like to find out for myself."

"You're willing to give up the only life you've known for this person? Someone whose feelings for you may very well change?" 

Kai found the question to be rather ambiguous and difficult to answer. His gut reaction was to say that yes, even if Kyungsoo decided he no longer loved him one day, spending a fraction of time loving him would be worth giving up eternity. He didn't know if that answer would hold up in the long term, but he was only an angel. He couldn't know what lay ahead, which was why he thought it was useless to act as if he did.

"I love him," was all he could say. "Whether it's for right now or forever, I love him. That's all I know for sure."

Xiumin sighed, out of frustration Kai supposed. "Do as you please then." He vanished after that, and again, Kai found himself doubting his own feelings. 

Was love enough reason for him to leave everything he knew behind?

********

How much longer could he put up with this? 

It was the question that had been running rampant inside of Kyungsoo's mind for the last few months. He knew it would be difficult to date an angel and understood that Kai had responsibilities, ones more important than being with him. But he had to acknowledge that only being able to see him for three days at a time or for a few minutes here and there was taking its toll on him. 

Kyungsoo didn't think of himself as an idealist, so he knew it wasn't logical to spend every second of the day with your partner even when they were human. But the days without Kai were long and the nights were cold. He missed rolling over and seeing him sleeping peacefully beside him, he missed his touch, his smell, his comforting presence. He just missed him. He realized that all relationships required some kind of sacrifice, but he was beginning to think this one was just too much for him to handle.

He was afraid to bring it up to Kai. No, not afraid more so than unsure. Unsure of how to say it without upsetting him or making it seem like he was giving him an ultimatum. Well, he supposed he was at the end of the day, but not for any reasons he would have considered selfish. Anyone could have seen how confused Kai was, how his priorities were in a constant state of flux. If anything, Kyungsoo wanted Kai to find some peace in one choice, especially since more and more, he was starting to feel like them meeting was the wrench that had been thrown into all of his plans. He wanted peace for both of them, whether it was with or without each other. 

It was the end of their third day together. Kyungsoo knew Kai was due back soon. He had somehow managed to scare himself out of bringing up the elephant in the room for the past two days. Every time he looked at Kai at any given moment, the thought that the angel might choose his immortal life over them terrified him into silence. He was afraid to get an answer, but his need for one trumped his fear.  

They were just sitting on the couch, silently watching some show Kyungsoo didn't know on the television. Kai had been abnormally quiet that day, only really talking when Kyungsoo initiated a conversation. He had an unsettling feeling about why that was, only because he figured it was the same force that had been slowly suffocating him over the past few months. The time was nearing 10 p.m., and Kyungsoo was silently preparing himself for the angel to leave, just as he had been since they woke up that morning. He couldn't help but notice that Kai seemed to be stalling, even though his eyes would constantly glance at the clock. 

"Shouldn't you be leaving soon?" he finally asked him after minutes of self-encouragement. The angel just looked at him at first, his facial expression looking almost surprised. "Not that I want you to, but it is our third day, so..."

Kai looked at the time again, silently exhaling. "It is late," he said, more so mumbling to himself than to Kyungsoo. He dropped his eyes to his lap for a moment, causing Kyungsoo to furrow his eyebrows and tilt his head to look at him.

"Don't you want to go back?" he asked, trying not to let his tone of voice come off as too hopeful.

The angel shrugged his shoulders, moving his head to look at Kyungsoo afterward. "Increasingly less these days," he answered with an almost somber look on his face now. The man broke eye contact and reached for Kai's hand, dragging his fingers delicately across his skin in a way he hoped was comforting. 

"Because of me?" he asked quietly. He only met his eyes again after Kai didn't say anything in response for a while. 

"I know it's hard for you, too," he said. "If only you knew how much my heart ached for you whenever I leave."

"It's not all that bad," Kyungsoo tried to say lightly, putting on a brave smile. Kai flipped his hand around and laced their fingers together, his eyes never leaving Kyungsoo's.

"You don't have to act so strong...especially not for me," he said, his voice soft and comforting enough to make the forced smile leave the man's face immediately. Kyungsoo lowered his head and sighed in dread of the conversation that was beginning to take place. 

"I always tell myself to push through it for you...that being able to see you will be worth the wait," he said, making eye contact with Kai again afterward. "And it always is, but I think it gets harder to wait every time you leave. I know there's nothing I can do to make it easier for myself or for you and sometimes, I even feel guilty because you wouldn't have to be doing this at all if you hadn't met me."

"Don't say that. There's nothing to blame you for. You didn't do anything wrong." Kai shook his head and held Kyungsoo's hand a little tighter. "If either of us is to blame it's me. I knew what I was getting myself into but still wasn't prepared for the consequences."

Kyungsoo looked down at their hands for a while and then back at Kai. "Would you do it? Would you...stop being an angel for me?" He made sure to ask the question carefully so he wouldn't get his own hopes up. 

"I wish it were that simple," Kai said with a heavy sigh and Kyungsoo felt his grip on his hand loosen.

"Shouldn't it be?" Kai looked at me after having glanced away. "I know I'm just human, but if you love someone and want to be with them, shouldn't choosing them be easy?"

"It's not that choosing you isn't easy, I just don't know if it's the right choice to make for the future," Kai explained, but he had a feeling that his words weren't coming out right as Kyungsoo's facial expression changed. "I know what I want to do, but I'm having trouble following through because I can't guarantee it'll always be like it is now. I don't know if you'll wake up one day and decide you don't want to be with me anymore, in which case the entire reason I gave up my immortality will be gone. Once I give it up, I can't get it back, so I just feel like there needs to be something there in return, something I can put my trust in to be there for a long time."

"You don't trust me?" As much as Kyungsoo understood, he was still bothered by Kai's words. "I can't guarantee we'd never have problems or disagree, but I'd never just up and leave you without trying to work it out, Kai."

"I don't think you would right now, but that's now. Things could be different in a year or even a few months' time." Kai sighed, still seeing the same signs of confusion and hurt on Kyungsoo's face. "I wish I could explain this better," he said, exhaling and briefly dropping his head. "I'm not used to living in the present or living for right now and not worrying about what's to come. I've always known what will come next and there's comfort in that for me. So, while every fiber of my being is telling me to just leave it all behind and be with you, I can't help but feel scared to. Perhaps it's because I've heard for as long as I can remember, but I just feel like I should know for sure if becoming human will be worth it."

Kyungsoo found himself sighing in frustration and taking his hands back. "Everybody worries about those things, Kai," he said as he stood up, briefly bending down to carry his empty cup to the kitchen sink. "Nobody enters into relationships really knowing if they'll last forever, but they still do, they still find some value in it even with all of that uncertainty." He set the mug into the sink, creating an echo sound throughout the apartment. For a moment, he stood at the sink, wrapping his fingers tightly around the edge of the sink as he tried to take a deep breath. Once he felt calm enough, he turned around and faced Kai, who was now on his feet as well. "It doesn't have to last forever to be worth it. Being able to love someone and have someone love you back is such an amazing thing that I don't really think you should need to know if we'll grow old together to know if it'll be worth the risks. As long as you're doing as much as you can to love and respect someone, it doesn't matter how long you're together."

"You make it sound easy to just erase everything I've known up until now," Kai replied, distress clearly present in his voice.

"It's a bit of code switch, yeah, but there will be plenty of things you'll have to get used to as a human, assuming that's what you want." 

Kai sighed again and ran a hand across his hair. He didn't know what he wanted. Well, he did, but what he didn't know was if he was ready to sacrifice in order to have it. Kyungsoo let out a sigh himself after Kai didn't say anything for a while. He moved his eyes to the kitchen floor and swiped his foot across it as he sniffled and tried to push back tears. 

"I don't--I don't understand this obsession you have with needing to know for sure if we'll still be madly in love in 50 years, but I think that if you're this hesitant...maybe you being human isn't a good idea." The words were sharp and they cut Kyungsoo's tongue on their way out. When he looked at Kai again, the angel's face had become startled. "I love you and I want nothing more than to be able to fall asleep next to you every night but only if that's what you want, and I don't think you really know you want, at least not enough to act on it. And I don't want you to risk everything you've known just to be with me if you aren't sure you're willing to be prepared for whatever might happen. I only want to be with you if you're absolutely sure you want to be with me...despite the uncertainties, whether we break up in a month or we never do."

Kai's heart was beating rapidly from inside his chest now. He understood every word he was hearing, but they worried him. "What--" He tried to speak, but the lump that had formed in his throat prevented him from doing so. He swallowed and exhaled shakily. "What are you saying exactly?"

Kyungsoo sighed, his breath coming out almost as shakily as Kai's. He slowly walked back into the living room and stopped a few inches in front of Kai. "I'm saying that I love you and I want you to figure this out," he said, his voice softer in volume as more tears gathered in his eyes. He sniffled and took hold of the angel's hands. "I think you should take the next week to really think about what it is you want, regardless of how you think I'll feel or how any other angel will feel. If you come back, I'll be here waiting for you. But if you don't, I'll know what you chose."

"But I couldn't...I-I couldn't ask you to wait for me like that," Kai said, lightly shaking his head and now trying to push back tears of his own. 

Kyungsoo smiled and laughed softly. "It's not like I'm not used to waiting for you," he said. He used one of his hands to caress Kai's face, feeling warmth spread around his body when the angel leaned into his touch. Then, he leaned up and pressed a fleeting kiss to the corner of his mouth, only taking a brief moment to look at him after that before he turned around and walked toward the bedroom. Kai was left standing there, living out the worst of his dreams and feeling more pain than he ever knew he was capable of feeling. He knew he needed the time to decide, but the prospect of choosing one existence over another terrified him--almost as much as the thought of never seeing Kyungsoo again.

A/N

I've officially stopped my editing journey, so now I will be focusing on this and my other ongoing stories. This one should only have one more part if I follow my plans, so I'm hoping this story will be finished in the next week or so. I'll also be working on some new KaiSoo one shots, so if you'd like to request one, please feel free to! :)